I waited, humiliated, unable to even look at Theron as he got behind the wheel. After a moment Jay emerged with Verlan in tow. Verlan hurried to the truck, a rueful smile on his face.
“So you’re going gallivanting, huh?” he said. “Weren’t you going to at least tell me goodbye?”
He leaned in the window and kissed me. Then straightening, he said, “Jay promised you’d be back in two weeks. Take care of yourself, dear. Give my mother a kiss for me.” He squeezed my hand and swiftly stepped back, only stopping long enough to open the door for Jay. “You have a good visit. I’ve gotta get back in there, Joel’s waiting for me.” He turned and quickly walked toward the house.
“Verlan. Verlan,” I called, suddenly overcome with love for him. I reached past Jay and out the window, desperate to tell him my news about the baby, desperate to know that he loved me.
He stopped on the porch long enough to call out, “Drive careful, Theron, you’ve got a precious bundle with you that belongs to me.” He waved and hurried through the door.
As we started down the road, Jay slipped his arm around my shoulders. His gesture of sympathy threatened to snap the last threads of my control. I wanted to collapse, fold up against Jay’s chest, and sob out my hurt and humiliation. Don’t cry! I commanded myself. I stiffened on the seat as my pride warred with the emotions that knifed at my insides.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Just as we hoped, the Prophet Joel reinstated Jay into full fellowship. “He not only restored my priesthood; he told me that he plans to put me in the bishopric,” Jay told Theron and me. “He thinks I’ll be an asset to the handling of church funds. Can you believe that?”
“I can,” I said confidently. “Jay, you’re a sincere, good man, and you’ll show that old Alma that he was wrong to doubt you and to judge you. He’ll have to work beside you, and soon he’ll have to acknowledge your talents. The whole church will benefit.”
Jay glanced over at Theron and me. “We are so very blessed to be living during these last times!” he said fervently. “It’s something, isn’t it—to personally know a living prophet of God! To listen to him talk! Man, oh man. We are so lucky.”
Theron nodded. “Joel’s got his own way of handling things. He just lets them take their course, like with the problem between you and Alma. He just lets it happen, then he turns it right.”
As the men talked, I settled sleepily in the seat. I refused to allow myself to think about Verlan as we rolled along the highway. Instead I concentrated on how great it was going to be to see my parents and sisters.
It was just past dawn as we covered the last lap of our journey, followed the gentle incline of the hill above the colony, and dropped into the valley. Colonia LeBaron sat before us, looking bleak and lifeless in the still winter air. Even the Blue Mountains in the distance seemed to have lost their majestic beauty. Their royal blue color had dulled to a drab gray. Trees on either side of the main road reached black witches’ claws heavenward into the cold February sky, accenting the barrenness of the little town. But still, it all looked wonderful. In my heart Colonia LeBaron would always be home. Inside the adobe buildings scattered across the valley were the people I loved—my friends and family. I wiggled with impatience as Theron guided the pickup through the morning mist toward my parent’s house.
We had scarcely stopped when Jay opened the pickup door. Through the living room window I could see my mother’s face peering out at us. As she and the girls dashed out of the house, Mom called exultantly, “Oh, Jay, you’ve brought her back!”
She threw her arms around me, seeming loath to let go so Fara and Ramona could have a turn. As I looked around at the old homestead, my heart wanted to burst. It had never looked so good.
Dad had been away for some time now, embarking on a new venture. He had moved Maria to a small Mexican village about a hundred miles from Colonia LeBaron. They were working a parcel of land, trying their hand at farming. Mom seemed skeptical about the whole thing as she told me about it. “Can you imagine your dad as a farmer?” she scoffed. “Oh, well, Maria wanted to try it. Maybe they’ll surprise me.”
For the first few days of my visit to Colonia LeBaron, I blocked Verlan and the others in Baja from my mind. I soaked up my family’s love and attention. It came so natural to fall into the routine of home life. Helping Mom with the chores was so much easier than helping Lucy, and I enjoyed her company more than I ever had before.
“What a difference to see you pitch right into cooking and housework,” she marveled. “You’ve changed, Susan. You’re all grown up.”
“I got plenty of practice at Lucy’s,” I assured her.
The days swiftly passed, and I dreaded the trip back to Ensenada and reality. One afternoon Mom casually said, “You know, I wish Verlan would just let you stay here with us. I doubt he’d notice your absence in Ensenada much.”
Her words embarrassed me and made me wish I hadn’t said anything to her about my life in Baja. But I knew that she had only voiced my own thoughts. Mother was right. Verlan would hardly miss me if I decided to not return to Ensenada. His life would go on as before, filled with his work in Las Vegas and his numerous wives and children to come home to. I began to wonder what he would do if I refused to go back.
I toyed with the idea of staying in the colony as I renewed acquaintances with friends and relatives. Franny was still faithfully going to school and still dating Alma D. She told me Debbie and Ervil finally had a real wedding ceremony, the ceremony that married them for time. Debbie had returned to California and was staying with her parents until Ervil decided where she would live. I spent several hours with Carmela in the little house across the road. Carmela was extremely happy and contented in her marriage to Jay. He came home from his job in Deming, New Mexico, every weekend, and constantly brought new items for their home. He was even wiring their house for electricity, anticipating when the government would bring power from Casas Grandes.
I coveted the nonchalant way Jay gave money to Carmela. In almost five months of marriage, Verlan still hadn’t given me a single peso. I had secretly hoped he would offer me spending money as we were leaving Ensenada. But he hadn’t, and I hadn’t dared ask. It was humiliating that I had to rely on my brother or mother to pay my way if we went somewhere.
A new resolution was forming. I was going to insist that Verlan start giving me an allowance. He was supposed to be the provider, wasn’t he? Wasn’t that his end of this deal between us? Well then, he could just start providing, and I certainly wasn’t going to accept Charlotte’s hard-earned money.
I had been in the colony a full week before I got the courage to visit Grandma LeBaron. I knew she would question me about Verlan and married life, and I didn’t want to confess how neglected her son’s families were, or how hurt I was at Verlan’s new romance with Lillie. How could I admit to her that already I had serious doubts about my ability to endure and serve the Lord?
Grandma was so sure of her duty in life. In her own quiet way, Grandma was the strongest, most spiritual woman I knew, and she thought the sun rose and set for Verlan. She believed he was a great man of God. I couldn’t say anything about my unhappiness—it would break her heart. I would have to bluff my way through our visit.
I set out the following morning, determined to be cheerful and upbeat about my life, for Grandma’s sake. I stopped for a while at Franny’s, where her mother was teaching a German cooking class to my old schoolmates. I stayed long enough to taste the spaetzle and listen to the laughing and joking of the old gang. Gradually the realization dawned that while the girls were still the same teasing bunch of adolescents, hardly changed in five months, I was different. I no longer fit into the lighthearted crowd of teenagers. Their laughter seemed silly to me now, hollow and humorless.
What’s the matter with you, I asked myself crossly, as I trudged through the bare peach orchard.
Don’t you know how to have fun anymore? Have you completely lost your sense of humor and become a bitter old woman? I knocked on Grandma’s door, then boldly swung it open and entered. “Grandma, you home?” I called.
Ervil’s wife, Kris, peered at me from behind the dining room wall. Her hazel eyes widened as she recognized me. “Susan!” she shrieked, dashing toward me. “I was wondering if I would get to see you. Heard you were in town—in fact, Mother LeBaron and I were just talking about you.”
Grandma’s blue eyes were swimming as she hastened toward me. I stepped back from Kris’s embrace, once again in awe of Grandma’s poise, of the dignified way she held herself in spite of her arthritis. Her eyes were glued to mine, and filled with love and pride in me, her darling son’s new wife.
I reached out my arms, and she silently walked into them. Her shoulders shook as she hugged me. Then she pulled back, smiling up at me through her tears. “I was afraid you weren’t going to come see me,” her voice quavered as she mopped at her eyes. “I was just telling Kris . . .” Grandma stopped, squeezing my hands. “I’m so glad you came.”
Kris glanced at me over Grandma’s head, and she gave me an understanding smile. “I’m going to go, Mother, and let you and Susan visit. But first—Susan Ray, I want your promise that you will come and see Anna Mae and me before you leave. We miss you! We’ve talked about you several times. Will you come?”
“Kris,” I began. “I’d love to see you both, but . . . perhaps Sunday at church . . .”
“Oh,” she said quickly, “You don’t need to worry about Ervil. He’s in Chihuahua City for a few days. He’s not even around.”
I grinned at her. “Okay. Then I’ll come.”
“Kris, dear, I’ll walk you to the door,” Grandma said. She twined her arm through Kris’s as they strolled across the tile floor.
I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. But as they stopped on the threshold, Grandma’s soft words reached my ears. “You know I love my son, Kristina. I’d give my life for him in a minute. But I can’t encourage you to stay with a man who is leading you astray. Sometimes, my dear, we women are forced to choose between love and loyalty to our husbands, and what our conscience tells us is right. Sometimes in a woman’s rebellion there can be found wisdom and beauty. Perhaps Ervil will be jolted enough by your actions to think, really think about what he is jeopardizing.”
I turned my back to the two women and quickly walked into the kitchen. So Kris was rebelling against Ervil! It thrilled me. Ervil didn’t deserve a wonderful woman like Kris—or any woman, I thought contemptuously, remembering Lorna.
Soon Grandma closed the door and joined me in the kitchen. She bustled about, pouring me a cup of mint tea and slicing a loaf of banana bread. “Tell me,” she began, “How’s Verlan? How are the other girls doing?”
“Everyone’s well, Grandma, all of them.”
As we visited I tried to force enthusiasm about the circumstances in Baja. Grandma watched me closely, a pleased smile on her face. Suddenly she said, “Are you going to tell me when the baby is due?”
I almost dropped my cup. “How did you know?” I demanded.
She chuckled, her fine eyes twinkling. “You glow, dear, you positively glow.”
Abruptly she changed the subject. “Susan, I wonder if you have any idea what a blessing you are in Verlan’s life. If my son ever needed strong, supportive women behind him, it’s now. I’m sure you’re aware of the tension going on in the church.”
I nodded, avoiding her eyes as I spoke. “Ervil wasn’t at the meeting in Ensenada. I’ve heard the rumors, and I know that Verlan is worried. Do you think there will actually be a split, Grandma?”
She sighed and stirred her tea, gazing into the steaming liquid. “I pray not. It breaks my heart to see the way my boys are picking at each other, fighting over who’s above the other one, who’s right and who’s wrong. I never thought such a sad day would come. Ervil knows that his father gave the Mantle to Joel and he can’t stand it; he’s so jealous. I pray, Susan, every day, every hour, that they can resolve their differences, and united, go on with the Lord’s work. If they don’t, Satan will prevail. The Lord can’t use men who want their own glory above all else. Sometimes I wish Ervil were small again, so I could give him a sound walloping and make him behave.”
Grandma took a bite of banana bread, chewed it thoughtfully, then looked at me and said, “We need to go on, to be strong. We can’t let Satan get a foothold.” She set her cup carefully on the saucer. “Susan, dear, I realize being married to a man like Verlan is a challenge to a young girl like yourself. In the days ahead he is going to need you like never before. Trust his judgment! Stand firmly behind him and let him know that you’re his and that he can count on your support. You must forget your own needs, put those of your husband high above your own. Be a prayer-warrior in his behalf. Prayer is a woman’s mission if she’s married to a leader in the Church of God.”
I studied her face as she spoke, concentrating on the words. Somehow I felt like they were words of wisdom straight from the Lord. It was as if Grandma were His messenger. I tucked her message firmly into the recesses of my mind.
It was growing late when I finally said goodbye. As usual, Grandma had given me lots to think about. She never failed to amaze me—today more than ever. It was almost as if she could read my mind! I hadn’t breathed a word, and yet she knew. She knew, and in her own way she had tried to bolster my faith and guide my steps.
I shook my head and breathed deeply of the crisp afternoon air. Grandma’s advice to me was certainly different from the advice she had given Kris. She had encouraged Kris to leave Ervil, yet she had insisted that I completely trust Verlan. Grandma was a wise woman, who recognized the weaknesses in her sons but also knew their strengths. The only problem was, Grandma hadn’t walked in my shoes. She didn’t know the extent of my loneliness or realize that Verlan didn’t even have enough time for me to tell him about the baby. She didn’t realize that I felt like I was just another mouth to feed in Ensenada, just another burden on Charlotte. And she didn’t know about Lillie.
Maybe the reason I had dreaded seeing Grandma was that I knew she would try to bolster my faith in Verlan again. Every time I thought of Verlan I saw Lillie’s laughing face, with her eyes flashing up at him.
I was supposed to be packed and ready to go to New Mexico with Jay on Sunday night to catch the bus back to Baja. But as the time approached, I knew I wasn’t ready to face Verlan and the rest of the family. In the back of my mind my mother’s words replayed, how Verlan wouldn’t miss me in Ensenada. He wouldn’t care if I didn’t return.
“Jay,” I said, avoiding his eyes, “I just want a few more days. Verlan won’t know the difference—he’s not around there anyway. I can get someone to take me to the bus in Casas on Wednesday.”
Jay shrugged, trying not to show his uneasiness. I knew he felt responsible because he had promised Verlan he would get me home. But I also knew that he understood my reluctance. He opened his wallet and handed me two twenty-dollar bills. “This will buy your ticket, Sis. Do what you think is right.”
I stayed close to home Monday and Tuesday. In spite of Grandma’s strong advice, thoughts of rebellion battled inside me. I wandered around in a stupor as I tried to decide what to do with my life. Nausea nagged at me, reminding me of the growing life in my body and adding to the burden of my depression. Was I being a spoiled, self-centered child, feeling sorry for myself and unwilling to do my part to serve the Lord? How could I think of my own unhappiness when Verlan’s other wives were faithfully doing as he asked? They weren’t complaining or looking for a means of escape. They were quietly supporting Verlan, just as Grandma insisted I do.
Grandma was right, of course. The last thing Verlan needed right now was problems in his own family. I had foolishly reasoned that I could stay in Colonia LeBaron, but the memory of Verlan’s teasing, laugh
ing eyes brought emptiness and longing to my heart. I loved Verlan. Oh, what should I do?
“Mother, I’m going to go see Anna Mae and Kris,” I said abruptly. “I promised I would.”
It was almost dark as I set off. A star or two twinkled above, already bright in the frosty desert sky. I pulled the collar of my jacket higher around my mouth, blowing against the wool collar to feel the warmth against my lips. Smoke from several chimneys along my path spiraled upward into the darkness, and I was glad that the people in the colony had wood to burn, so they could keep their homes warm. I shuddered. How I hated the thought of going back to the big drafty house in Ensenada!
I had to make a decision, and I was hoping Kris could help me. She loved Ervil, yet because of his lack of support for Joel, she was thinking of leaving him. Perhaps she would have words of wisdom for me—different words—more earthy words than Grandma LeBaron’s idealism.
I knocked on the door of Kris’s house, then pounded again, louder. When she failed to answer, I hurried toward the dim lights at Anna Mae’s. I remembered how inseparable Kris and Anna Mae had always been, spending every spare moment together. The ideal sister-wives. Suddenly I wondered if Anna Mae, like Kris, had finally had enough of Ervil’s nonsense. I couldn’t even imagine it. She practically worshiped Ervil, was one of his “soldiers.” Instinct told me that she backed Ervil’s rebellion against Joel, which would mean that she and Kris weren’t in harmony.
It was fully dark as I tapped on Anna Mae’s door. She threw it open immediately, her broad, freckled face breaking into a smile as she saw me. “Well, I declare! She did come, Kris—Come in, Susan, come in!”
Soon the three of us were seated around the kitchen table. As I looked from Anna Mae to Kris, I realized how much I had missed their friendship, and how badly I needed more friendships like this. Around us, children played, giggling and squealing, making it hard to hear. Anna Mae had to excuse herself several times, shouting at the kids to get ready for bed.
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