by Ashley John
“Ignore everything,” Caden held the door open for Elias, “I’m still trying to decide what to do with this stuff. If I unpack, everything becomes real.”
Elias squeezed into the bedroom. A window over the double bed overlooked the small back yard, a chain-link fence separating it from the neighbors. Cracking open the soda, Elias perched on the edge of the bed. Caden copied, sitting on the other side.
“I thought it’d be easier if we came up here. If my mom comes home, it’ll be difficult to explain.”
“Because I’m an addict?”
“Because I’m your support worker. We’re meant to keep a professional distance, for safety reasons.”
“What makes me so special?” Elias crossed his legs on the bed, facing Caden who was leaning against the headboard, the can of soda balancing on his jeans.
“I trust you,” he shrugged, “so, what’s up?”
Elias didn’t know where to start. Even though he hadn’t, he felt like he had done something wrong. He called Caden because he felt like he had nobody else to turn to. Did he even have to tell him what had happened? Scratching the dark scruff around his mouth, he let out a deep sigh and started at the beginning.
“Wait, this guy was trying to give you free drugs?” Caden scrunched up his face, “Why?”
Elias almost mentioned their ‘arrangement’, but he stopped himself, “We go back.”
“But you didn’t take anything?”
“I jumped out of his car and came straight here.”
Nodding, Caden carefully sipped the soda as he thought. Elias felt like he was still so weak, even if he had turned down the one thing he craved. It didn’t make him feel any better because deep down, he was lusting after the drugs, even if he had walked away. A tiny part of him was cursing his stupidity and that was the most vocal part. It was so difficult to ignore the reasoning when the Elias he had known for so long was still very much there and wanting so badly to score.
“You did good,” Caden broke the silence, “It couldn’t have been easy.”
“It wasn’t,” he scooted up the bed to lie against the headboard next to Caden, “I wanted to do it so badly.”
“What stopped you?”
Elias wasn’t about to mention that Caden had been one of the reasons. He was tired of promising people things because for an unknown reason his promises suddenly had the ability to make him feel guilty. In rehab, they had talked about becoming the person you know you are but all Elias knew was the addict. Seeing his mom before he saw Rigsy should have tipped him over the edge, but it hadn’t.
“Lots of things,” he mumbled, “I feel guilty for being selfish. I can't get rid of this feeling. I want to go back to normal.”
“You mean, you want to start using again?”
“No, I want to stop feeling guilty.”
“So you can start using?”
“Maybe,” he grunted in frustration, “maybe not! I just feel so aware.”
“That’s good. You’re aware of what you’ve done to the people you care about. That’s progress.”
“I don't have people, not really. Not like other people do. I don't have a family like you. I don't have parents who will let me move in when things go wrong, I don't have a sister-in-law I can talk to. I just have a twin who would be happier if I left her alone and a nephew I've already screwed up. Don’t try to shrink me,” Elias turned his head, “I’m un-shrinkable.”
“I wouldn’t dare,” Caden winked back, “I just think you’re over thinking your intentions. You’ve had temptation around every corner.”
“And I’ve nearly given in so many times!”
“But you haven’t,” he said, “that’s what’s important.”
Elias knew Caden was right but it didn’t make him feel any better. He knew how close he had been to sucking Rigsy’s cock, just to score a line. Why did that make him feel so ashamed when he had done it countless times?
“I’ve never thought about the future before. I never thought I’d get to twenty-six alive. I thought I’d run out of luck by now. That sounds insane, I know, but I never put value on my life. I didn't want to be here. I didn't think I had anything to be here for but now I feel like maybe I do. Maybe there is a chance for something.”
His mind flashed back to what had sent him to rehab again. He had been alone in a back room of a Chinese takeout place, snorting line after line. Even now, he couldn’t remember how he had gotten there. All he could remember was how desperately he had been chasing that high, cutting more lines than he knew he should have. Nothing was making anything easier, so he carried on. The next thing he remembered was waking up in the hospital with Ellie by his side. That’s when the mayor got involved. The police wanted to lock him up for how much drugs were found on him. She told him that they were trying to pin him down as a dealer but dealing had never interested Elias. He always wanted to take the drugs alone. Some people took drugs socially; Elias isolated himself and did it in solitude.
“I almost died two months ago. I almost died and I didn’t even care.”
“Do you care now?”
“I haven’t thought about it,” he said, “it’s too heavy.”
“You didn’t die though. You got help and you’re still here.”
“Not intentionally,” he gulped down the soda.
“Did you want to die?” the question sounded heavy and Elias didn’t want to answer it.
With the ten-dollar bill jammed up his nostril, the thought had crossed his mind. He knew he was taking too much but he wasn’t thinking logically. Was that because he had wanted everything to just stop or because he was just too dumb to realize what he was doing?
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe it was a cry for help?”
“I don’t want help,” Elias snapped instinctively, “I don’t know why I called you. I should go.”
Elias edged towards the end of the bed but Caden’s hand on his shoulder stopped him. He squeezed firmly, freezing Elias. It gave him the same tingles it had in the doctor’s office waiting room. Shuffling backwards, he banged his head on the headboard and stared up at the fan on the ceiling.
“I want to help you, Elias,” Caden whispered, “I really do.”
“It helps that you’re being paid.”
“That’s not the point. We’re similar ages. I feel for you.”
“Feel sorry for me, more like. It’s a pity mission. You don’t have to waste your breath trying to explain it. I get it. People feel sorry for me because I’m such a loser.”
“You’re not a loser,” Caden said, “you’re just lost.”
“How do I find myself?”
“Time.”
Elias turned his head to stare at Caden and Caden did the same. He caught the glint of his piercings reflected in Caden’s pale green eyes. He smiled softly and it was genuine, not the pathetic smile people usually gave him when they were trying to help.
“Before I left for New York, I did this job for a couple of months,” Caden said softly, “I only worked with one guy. Frank, was his name. I thought I could help him but I couldn’t. He died and I couldn’t handle it so I left. It wasn’t what I really wanted to do but I felt like I owed something to him to help him, even though he was beyond help. He was in his sixties and he had been living on the streets for years. You, Elias, you can be helped. I see it in your eyes and I see how you’re trying even if you don’t want to admit you’re trying. I’m going to help you.”
“Do I not have a choice?”
“Nope,” Caden smiled, “you just need time to adjust. I know you’ve got things on your mind, but it’ll get easier. The further you get away from rehab and what you’ve been through, the easier it will get.”
Elias was touched. He didn’t know how to help himself so how was somebody else going to do it for him? Looking around the room, the boxes caught his eyes. Caden needed help too, but in a completely different way.
“It looks like we’re both burying our heads in the sand,” Elia
s nodded towards Caden’s stuff, “you should unpack and forget that jerk.”
“It’s not that easy,” staring down at the soda can in his hands, he smiled so sadly that it almost broke Elias’ heart, “I wish it was.”
“Looks like we’re both in the same boat,” Elias nudged Caden with his shoulder, “we both just need time.”
“Now who’s trying to shrink who?” Caden rolled his head towards Elias, “You’re not a bad guy, Elias. You’re really not.”
“You’re not either,” Elias stared down at Caden’s lips, “you deserve somebody.”
“So do you,” Caden said, “have you never dated?”
Elias suddenly looked forward uncomfortably. Cramming the soda can up to his mouth, he thought this could be his chance to come clean about his sexuality but he couldn’t say the words. If he could tell anybody, he could tell Caden, so why didn’t he want to?
“I’ve never had time,” he said, “being an addict is a full time job.”
“When you’re ready, I’ll hook you up. My brother runs a bar so he’ll know loads of girls.”
Girls. Elias almost laughed but he didn’t correct him.
“I don’t think anybody would be interested in somebody like me.”
“Why not? You’re good looking and you’re a nice guy.”
“Why do you keep saying I’m nice? Have you ever met a nice addict?”
“That doesn’t define you. You’ve got a new start, so take it.”
Elias felt like saying the same to Caden, who was clearly staying packed because he didn’t want to admit that he was back in Havenmoore. As they sat on Caden’s bed in silence, Elias couldn’t help but think neither of them really wanted to be in Havenmoore but for some reason, they both needed to be.
“Thank you,” Elias mumbled, “for not writing me off.”
“There’s still life in you. Damn, you’re younger than me. I’m thirty before the year’s out and I’m living in my parents’ guest room.”
They laughed for a couple of seconds until their chests slowed down. Elias found his eyes darting down to Caden’s lips again. They looked so moist and inviting. I can’t remember ever actually kissing a guy. It was as if that urge took over him. When he found his head slowly leaning in, eyes wide and staring into Caden’s, he wanted to stop but he couldn’t.
To his surprise, Caden didn’t pull away. He didn’t lean in, he just stared at Elias, as though he was trying to understand what was happening. Stop it, Elias! The sound of the front door slamming made Elias pull back. Jumping off the bed, Caden headed for the door.
“Mom, is that you?” Caden called down, a shake in his voice.
“It’s just me,” she called up, “come down. I’ve picked up some lunch.”
“I’ll be right down.”
Caden closed the door carefully, turning back to Elias. He looked like he was about to launch into an apology but Elias was the one who’d tried to kiss him. Could he try and laugh it off? He had been so close to his lips.
“I should go,” Elias headed straight for the door, “I shouldn’t have bothered you.”
Pushing past Caden, he ran down the staircase, taking them two at a time. He saw Caden’s mom out of the corner of his eyes but he didn’t hang around to explain anything. Before Caden could chase after him, Elias started to run back across town.
You’re such an idiot!
***
Did he just try to kiss me? Caden shook his head as he ran his fingers over his face. He couldn’t have, could he? Was it Caden’s imagination that Elias had started leaning in slowly towards his lips? If it was, why did he run away?
“Caden, what’s going on?” his mom called up.
“Give me a second,” he snapped harsher thanhe had intended.
Caden wanted to head out to follow Elias but he knew he would probably be across town already. Should he go to Elias’ apartment to talk about it? Would that make things even more awkward? What if Caden had imagined it?
“Was that who I think?” his mom said casually as she opened up the pizza box on the table, “I got Hawaiian, your favorite.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Caden picked up a slice and dropped it on the plate in front of him but he didn’t start eating.
“So,” she sat down next to him, “did I just see Elias running out of our house or do I need to get my head tested?”
“Yeah, he just -,” Caden couldn’t even finish the lie convincingly.
Picking up a slice, his mom chewed on the end, not taking her eyes away from Caden. He knew exactly what she was thinking and she was probably right. He wanted to try and diffuse the situation but his mind was racing. Did we almost kiss?
“You know you shouldn’t give your home address to the people you work with,” she said, “you’re there to support them to move on with their lives.”
“I know, I know,” he snapped out of it, “he needed support. He almost relapsed. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Did you help him?”
“I don’t know,” Caden mumbled.
Was he really helping Elias, or was he just making things worse? He wasn’t equipped to deal with his problems, just like he wasn’t equipped to deal with Frank’s problems. Some courses and a couple of days shadowing his mom weren’t enough. He didn’t have the knowledge his mother had. She had spent her life helping people and she knew exactly what they needed. Caden on the other hand, had always been too worried about upsetting or offending people. He had always tiptoed cautiously, trying to be people’s friends. That’s why Finn walked all over me.
“It takes time,” she patted his hand, “you’ll get the hang of this.”
“How do you know when you’re over stepping the line?” he asked after finishing a slice of pizza.
“Has something happened?”
“No,” it technically wasn’t a lie, “I just worry that I’m too friendly with people.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being friendly,” she shook her red hair out, “as long as you’re not being taken advantage of.”
“Yeah,” he mused.
The problem was that he didn’t feel like he was being taken advantage of at all; it was quite the opposite. Elias was vulnerable and Caden was there to help him, which made the stupid crush he was developing feel even more wrong.
“Are you going to the festival this weekend?” she asked, “Your dad’s holding down a stall in the square on Saturday.”
“I’ll be there,” he said as he slid his phone from his pocket.
Opening his call logs he hovered over the most recent number in his history. He almost called but he opted for a text. A text is safer.
‘Hey, It’s Caden. If you still want to go to the Lobster Festival on Saturday, I’ll meet you outside your apartment at noon.’
Hovering over the ‘send’ button, he read the message over and over, hoping it didn’t have a hidden subtext. Nervously, he hit the button and dropped his cell onto the table, ready for the agonizing wait for a reply.
The phone vibrated almost instantly.
‘Sure. See you on Saturday.’
Unsure of what was going on, he saved the number under ‘Elias’ and slid the phone back into his pocket, knowing that he had a couple of days to figure out what to do next. Do I bring it up or do I ignore it and hope it goes away? I’m supposed to be helping this guy, not making things more complicated.
Elias changed his shirt again and fiddled with the gel in his black hair. He tugged at the collar of the obscure rock band t-shirt, pulling it over his head when he felt it suffocating him. A quick sniff of his armpits made him spray deodorant for the fourth time. Bundling up the shirt, he tossed it across the room, sending it crashing into the wooden blinds.
“Ugh!” he cried out as he dug through the clothes on his bedroom floor.
Clothes had never been a problem for Elias. He had always dressed for convenience rather than for fashion. Most of his clothes were stolen from department stores or from the donations bin in the rehab center.
Pulling a plain white t-shirt over his head, he examined his reflection in the floor-length mirror at the end of his bed. It was tight, but it hugged his body in a way that didn’t make him look so skinny. After a quick scoop into the pot of bright blue gel, he brushed it through his dark hair again, adjusting it, suddenly forgetting how it normally looked.
Elias hadn’t even tried to deny that he was nervous to see Caden again. It was almost noon and they were about to go to the Lobster Festival together. I should have just cancelled. He had been tossing and turning all night, hoping that Caden hadn’t picked up on what Elias had nearly done. Maybe he didn’t notice you trying to kiss him? Ugh, who am I kidding? Of course he fucking noticed.
Swiping the gel off the dresser in frustration, he watched as it blobbed across the wooden floor, landing messily on a pair of briefs. He wanted to calm down, hoping that Caden wasn’t going to mention it. The thought that Caden was as embarrassed as he was gave him hope. The reminder set on his cellphone beeped loudly on his nightstand, sending a shiver running down his spine. He had three minutes to go until noon. Was that too late to cancel?
Heading across his apartment as he tugged on a black zip-up hoodie, he peeked through the blinds. Caden was already waiting under his window, outside of the bakery. His strawberry infused hair glittered brightly in the sun, contrasting with the beat up denim jacket he was wearing. He looked different. Was he more dressed up than normal or was Elias looking too far into a jacket?
“Hey,” he couldn’t look into Caden’s eyes as he rounded the corner, “how’s it going?”
“You look nice,” Caden smiled, “I mean – new shirt?”
“It’s just something I found,” Elias tugged at it, wondering if he was showing off too much of the body underneath.
“Hungry?” Caden pushed his hands into his jeans.
Were they tighter than the ones he usually wore? Maybe this is how he normally dressed and he dressed a little more casual when he was working. Or maybe he had been standing in front of a mirror for an hour trying to find something to wear, like Elias had.
