by Ashley John
The waiting area was completely dark, aside from a light above the desk highlighting the different posters. At the end of the corridor, a bright light beamed from beneath his sister’s door. He had no way of knowing that she would still be there but she had a habit of always being the last out of the building at the end of the night.
“Sorry, we’re closed,” she mumbled when the door opened.
When he closed the door, she looked up from her paperwork and jumped back in her chair when she saw her brother’s face. The bright bulb in her lamp burned his eyes as he pulled his hood back.
“What do you want?” she looked down to her paperwork, “I’m not giving you anymore of those pills, if that’s why you’re here. Make an appointment with another doctor and go through the motions like everybody else.”
She was already starting on the attack but he knew he could work around that. She would have to listen to him. This time was different, surely she could see that?
“Nice to see you too,” he forced a smile but he didn’t feel like smiling.
“Stop the niceness, Elias,” she arched her brows as she scribbled away, “dilated pupils, bags under the eyes, oily hair and skin, it doesn’t take a genius to work out what’s happened here.”
“I’m not using,” he stepped forward, “I swear I’m not using.”
Pinching between her eyes, she laughed softly, shaking her head with disappointment.
“Why should I -,”
“I swear on Kobi’s life, I haven’t touched anything. No coke, no alcohol, nothing. I want to, so bad, but I haven’t.”
Ellie dropped her pen and leaned back in her chair to assess her brother’s face again. He yanked back the patient chair and sat on the edge of it, his fingers scrambling together frantically as his tongue probed the metal in his lip. He wasn’t helping his case. He knew he looked like shit.
“You’ve sworn on his life before,” she sighed heavily, “it’s a miracle he hasn’t dropped down dead a dozen times with an uncle like you.”
“I swear,” he said, “I promise you. I just can’t sleep.”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t.”
“Because you’ve been snorting coke all week and your mind won’t shut up?”
Elias had done that enough times to know that’s how he looked. After enough of the drug, you eventually stop getting tired and become a walking zombie, only semi present. This time was different.
“I haven’t touched it since I left rehab, I -,” he swallowed hard, “it’s different.”
“Make an appointment if you have nothing to hide,” she got back to her paperwork, “I’m not losing my job for you.”
If he could have, he would. He wasn’t allowed any prescribed medication until he had finished his follow up and that could last for months depending on his drug tests. Even if she would never believe him, he hated putting his problems on her. It just showed how stuck he was. I always end up here, begging for her help, pleading to the tiny part of her that can’t say no.
“I just need something to sleep,” he pleaded, “I just want to sleep. I just need to sleep.”
As the words left his lips, his thick and dry lids batted in a rhythmic fashion. Sitting in his sister’s office made him feel like he could sleep at any moment but he knew the second those lids dropped, they’d spring right back open again with no idea how to process the swirling thoughts in his mind.
“What about those other pills I gave you? They should help you sleep.”
“They don’t. They just make me restless and they make my skin itch. I just want to sleep.”
Elias was starting to feel like a broken record.
“What’s happened to you? I thought you were past this stage. Are you still withdrawing? You can’t be, not now.”
I’m withdrawing from something.
“It’s complicated.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” she shrugged, “maybe it’s time you started telling me your problems instead of expecting me to just hand over the stuff.”
It was the last thing he wanted to do. He felt weak. I am weak. Why couldn’t he understand the pain in his chest or the thoughts in his own mind? One kiss. It meant nothing to Caden. You’re just a mistake.
“I kissed someone.”
Ellie frowned in disbelief before a smile tickled her nude painted lips, “Is that all?”
“I told you, it’s complicated.”
“Welcome to the real world, brother,” she almost seemed relieved, “I’m not giving you anything. You need to ride this one out. Us normal people don’t medicate ourselves up to the eyeballs every time we want to avoid facing our problems. Face them, because I’m all out.”
“Please, I -,”
He slapped his hands on her desk, immediately regretting it when he saw the bloody mess he had turned the knuckles on his right hand into. Ellie’s eyes caught it before he could pull them away.
“I punched a wall,” he said before she asked, “I was angry, okay?”
“Is that going to solve it?”
“No?”
“Did it make you feel better?”
“Not really?” they still hurt.
“Who was it?”
Could he tell her? Should he tell her? Did she know that he wasn’t attracted to the opposite sex? Had she always known? Ellie had always avoided talking about relationships and love with him but he had never known if that was because of the awkwardness it would present or just because she had no interest to discuss such things with her brother. Caden was the first person he had officially come out to and it was hardly the joyful and freeing experience the movies painted it to be.
“Nobody. It doesn’t matter. It’s not going anywhere.”
She pursed her lips tightly, resembling their mother in a flash. Ellie was racking her large brain for a possible suspect but they hardly moved in the same circles.
“Ice cream helps,” she shrugged, “and chocolate.”
“For real?” he scooted even further to the edge of the seat, “I’ve barely slept in three days and you’re prescribing ice cream?”
“The sugar picks you up. It’s called comfort eating. That’s what normal people do.”
“I’m clearly not a normal person, am I?”
“Have a bath, listen to music, cry, call them, watch a sad movie, get it out of your system. You’ll feel fine. You’ll get over it. You’re not the first person to go through this.”
Feeling like he was getting nowhere with his sister, he collapsed back in the chair, closing his eyes heavily. For a second, he felt like he could actually fall asleep but the familiar feeling of falling took over him and he jolted back to reality.
“I’ve never liked somebody before,” Elias muttered, almost to himself, “I never thought I could.”
“Just tell me who it was. I won’t judge.”
He almost did. She had been keeping things gender neutral and her eyes were open and kind. I can’t, not like this.
“Ice cream?” he stood up, “Will any flavor work?”
“Chocolate Brownie is my favorite,” a soft smile tickled her lips.
Feeling beat, Elias headed towards the door, wondering if even talking about it had made him feel better. Maybe it was a good thing that she wouldn’t give in to him so easily? Maybe this is what I need.
“Elias, I’m sorry,” the words sounded alien leaving her mouth.
“Why?”
“For jumping to conclusions. The brother I know would have cracked under the pressure. I think I need to get to know this new one better.”
Hand gripping the handle, he felt a little warmth enter his heart. Turning, he smiled and she smiled back. The twin bond was still there, under it all.
“Me too,” he nodded his thanks and they didn’t need to speak to know what the other was thinking.
Pulling his hood over his hair, he headed out into the chilly night. Bars and restaurants buzzed around the town square as Havenmoore’s nightlife started to kick in
, but all Elias could think about was putting his sister’s sugar theory to the test.
***
“Are you sure everything is okay with you?” Caden’s mom asked for what he was sure was the tenth time that day, “Ever since – well – you’ve been acting a little strange. Has Finn called? Has he said something to you?”
Caden slammed the laptop shut, his word count no different to what it had been two hours ago when he had finally dug the dreaded machine from one of his bags.
“Finn hasn’t called,” standing up, he pulled off his t-shirt and pulled on a crisp shirt, “I’m fine, honest.”
“People who are fine don’t keep saying ‘I’m fine’,” she folded her arms in the doorway of his bedroom.
“Stop asking me if I’m fine then,” he buttoned up the white shirt.
“How are you and Mary getting along?” she seemed to be totally unaware that Mary was part of the problem.
“We’re great,” he lied, “I think she’s starting to trust me.”
“Mary? Trusting you? Are you sure she is not just – never mind. I’m sure you’re great at what you do. I don’t know how you and this Elias kid got along, but it’s like pulling teeth.”
“How is he?” he asked a little too quickly.
“He’s hard to read,” she sent a long, red nail into her pulled back hair, “he’s always on edge. It’s so hard to even talk to him. One word answers, grunts. I think he just needs more time.”
“Yeah, more time,” he agreed, hoping that time would make things easier.
His mom left him to finish getting dressed and after a quick spritz of aftershave he was heading into town with his mom where they were meeting the rest of the family for his dad’s birthday meal in a new restaurant next door to Bruce’s bar. It was a little more upmarket than where they’d usually go and his dad insisted that it was completely unnecessary to make such a fuss over his sixty-third birthday, but Bruce insisted. He was trying to build up a good relationship with his new business neighbors and he had been promised a healthy discount off the price of the meal.
They pulled up outside of the restaurant, where Bruce and his dad were already chatting over a shared cigarette. The cigarette was quickly thrust back into Bruce’s fingers when he noticed them jumping out of the car. If his mom noticed that he had been sharing, after quitting nearly ten years ago, she wasn’t mentioning it. It was his birthday after all; he would just probably pay for it in the morning.
Before they headed inside, Bruce pulled Caden to one side and started to quiz him about Elias and if everything was okay. Caden had become an expert at smiling through the pain and he made sure to let his brother know that everything was fine and moving in the right direction.
“Welcome to Buffitos,” a charming and handsome young man greeted them all at the door, “table for Buster? Right this way. Some of your guests are already here.”
Lucy and Becca were already sitting patiently at the table. Lucy was going over the menu while Becca scribbled delicately over a coloring sheet, her tongue poking out of the side. When they all sat, Caden chose his place next to Becca very carefully. She was probably the only one on the table who wasn’t going to start quizzing him about his love life or complicated situation.
“Do you like it, Uncle Caden?” Becca held up the sheet, which she was already halfway through, “It’s a donkey.”
“It’s very pretty,” he ruffled her hair as he squinted, trying to see a donkey but only seeing a cat, “you’re so good. You’ll have to teach me how to color.”
“Okay,” she nodded proudly, “but mommy says we can’t color on the walls, even though there’s more space there.”
“Silly Mommy,” Caden winked at Lucy, “I think mommy should let you.”
“And I think Uncle Caden should stop trying to make my life a living hell,” she winked back.
When the entire family was in one room, there was never an awkward silence. He had been to dinners with Finn’s parents and it was like pulling teeth trying to search for conversation. The difference was, his family all genuinely liked each other, so there was always something to talk about. The problem was, they all liked to know each other’s business too intimately and he could sense that Bruce had told Lucy everything that had happened with Elias and she was itching to start quizzing him about the details. When Bruce promised not to tell anybody, Caden knew he would tell Lucy but that didn’t bother him.
“Caden, help me at the bar?” Lucy stood up, “Can’t have empty glasses on Buster’s birthday.”
He knew that if they called over their server, he would bring wine straight away but he wasn’t going to argue. When they stood at the bar, she ordered the drinks before turning to him and waiting for him to speak.
“What?” he laughed, “Is there something on my face?”
“You know what!” she slapped him on the arm, “Why didn’t you tell me about this new guy?”
Oh, God. Elias was hardly the ‘new guy’. He was ‘no guy’, after what Caden had done. No matter how many times he told himself it was a pointless and dumb kiss, he couldn’t ignore the strange feelings the memory conjured in his stomach.
“Really, there’s nothing to tell. It was a mistake. I’ve drawn a line under it.”
“So, he was just a rebound?”
“I guess so,” that didn’t feel right.
“If he wasn’t, there’s no point saying he was,” sometimes Lucy could read him as if they were the ones who were actually siblings, “if you don’t grab love by the balls, it won’t grab you.”
Lucy clenched her fingers tightly together in a ball grabbing motion.
“Woah, hold your horses there,” Caden ran his hand over his beard scruff, “who said anything about love? It was one, ill-judged kiss with somebody I should never have kissed.”
“If you say so,” she rolled her eyes, accepting the bottles of wine and handing over the cash, “Finn is ancient history. If he’s what’s holding you back, let it go.”
Finn was the last thing on his mind. Caden arrived in Havenmoore expecting Finn to be on his case about getting back together, but he hadn’t heard a peep from him. He was glad of it and it only confirmed how bad they really were for each other. On paper, they should have worked, but when it came to it, distance only confirmed that Finn wasn’t the settling type.
“It’s bad timing. Timing is everything and -,”
“Listen to you,” she put the wine bottles back on the bar, “you’re trying to come up with excuses why you can’t date this guy. If there’s nothing concrete, I say go for it! Don’t try and talk yourself out of it. Even if you just have some great sex with this guy, what’s so bad about that?”
“It’s not that simple,” he couldn’t even imagine using Elias like that, “he’s troubled.”
“You’re scared of his past?”
“No,” he meant it, “I’m scared of what I’m going to do to his future.”
And there it was. The very words he had been searching for but he had been unable to say.
“The future is a book none of us have read. Stop pretending like you know what’s around the corner.”
“But what if I send him back to rehab? What if we kiss again and we keep kissing and then it gets more serious? What if that doesn’t work out? What if I break his heart? What if I push him so far over the edge that he breaks and –,”
“Like Frank, you mean? That wasn’t your fault. That was different.”
She really could read his mind. I can’t lose another one. Caden knew he wasn’t cut out for this job, not in the same way his mom was.
“Just consider this for a second,” Lucy picked up the wine bottles, “what if none of that happens and you just live happily ever after?”
She headed back to the table and Caden mumbled something about needing to go to the bathroom. Staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, he looked every inch the coward he felt. He had never been scared of the future until he found his boyfriend in bed with his best fr
iend. He watched the future he had been so sure about, crumble before his eyes. He didn’t want to crumble Elias’ future. He wanted Elias to be the best version of himself but could he get there with Caden by his side, messing with his emotions?
“What do I do?” he cried at his own reflection, but it stared back blankly.
A surly looking guy appeared from a stall behind him, making Caden smile awkwardly like a fool. The guy gave him an awkward smile, before heading out without washing his hands, clearly thinking Caden was crazy. He quickly washed his hands and headed back into the restaurant. He was still in such a confused daze, he didn’t notice the woman he was about to walk straight into.
“Watch it!” she cried out, a cellphone pressed into her ear.
It took him a second to realize that he was staring into the angry eyes of Judy James, Havenmoore’s beloved mayor.
“I’m – I -,” he mumbled, her dark gaze burning into his pale skin.
She had Elias’ eyes, or rather, he had hers, but they were different. They were the same dark color, but they were devoid of the same vulnerability and softness. They were cold and shiny, like the exoskeleton of a beetle. She had the same smiling face of the woman who was on the front page of the newspaper every other day, but he suddenly felt like he knew her in a different way to everybody in the restaurant.
“You’re Elias’ mom,” he pointed at her, unsure of why he said that.
“I’ll call you back,” she mumbled down the phone, not taking her dead eyes away from Caden, “who are you?”
“I work with your son. I mean – I worked with your son. I do some work with Helping Hands Outreach and –,”
“If you’re about to ask for more funding, save your breath because I’m not working,” she cut him off with a wave of her manicured fingernails, “now if you don’t mind, I was in the middle of something.”
“Wait,” he reached out and grabbed her arm, which he quickly let go of when she looked like lasers were about to shoot from her eyes to slice off his wrist, “Elias, he’s -,”
