by Ashley John
“I feel like I should explain myself,” Caden sat his coffee in between them, “and apologize.”
“Wasn’t that your apology?”
“That wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“Do you wish it hadn’t?”
Caden thought for a second but he couldn’t lie. He couldn’t deny that it had been the best sex of his life and that it trumped anything he had ever done with Finn, or the two guys before Finn. I never knew I could be fucked like that.
“No,” Caden shook his head, “that was – I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
A boyish smirk played with Elias’ lips as he squinted out towards the sun reflecting on the calm surface. Caden was beginning to wonder how he ever thought he could turn his back on him.
“I’m sorry for everything. I freaked and I panicked. I didn’t want to ruin your chances. I thought I’d stepped over the line and I thought you’d be better off without me. I don’t even know what this is.”
They sipped their coffee in silence and Caden could tell Elias was trying to figure out what it was.
“It’s new,” Elias said, “I’ve never done this with anybody before.”
“You’ve never had a boyfriend?”
Elias bowed his head, a wry smile on his lips. Caden could sense what he was about to say next.
“I never got close. That was the first time I –,”
Caden had never had sex with a virgin before and he never had Elias down as one. A tiny part of him was starting to regret what they’d done but a louder and more vocal part was wondering how he could possibly get even better with practice. The excitement made something stir, so he studied a tiny white boat in the distance and he tried to guess how many lobsters they would have caught today.
“We can’t tell anybody.”
“I wasn’t planning to,” Elias jumped right in.
“It’s not that I’m ashamed, it’s just that I don’t want to hurt my mom. Helping Hands Outreach is her baby and something like this could ruin her reputation.”
Elias smiled again as he turned to Caden, “For a second I thought it was because I’m an addict.”
“You’re Elias before that,” Caden smiled right back, slightly hurt that he would think that, “that’s all I see.”
“You must be the first person to,” the smile saddened and Caden knew exactly who he was thinking about.
Caden’s mind also wandered to the mayor because she had played a big part in making Caden see that he was better helping Elias than anybody, because he understood. He felt like he saw into Elias and he wasn’t entirely sure why. From the first moment they’d met, it was an instinct. Caden’s mom had always said he saw the best in people and it was one of the things she loved about him. After what Finn had done to him, he had wondered if he could ever do that again. He hadn’t questioned Finn and his best friend spending more time with each other. An affair had never crossed his mind because he wanted so badly to believe that people didn’t do that. Boyfriends didn’t sleep with best friends, just like support workers didn’t sleep with the people they were supposed to be helping. That brought him back to the instinct. From that very first meeting, when Elias had wanted nothing to do with Caden, he had felt a pull towards him. Perhaps this was exactly what Elias needed; perhaps this is what they both needed.
The afternoon sun licked Caden’s skin as he picked at the plastic edges of the coffee cup lid. It was more than a need, it was a want and a desire. He desired Elias in a way that he had never desired another man. Is that because it’s against the rules?
“I like you, Elias,” Caden whispered, “I like you a lot.”
Even that didn’t feel good enough. ‘Like’ seemed too tame a word to explain the ravenous fire eating away at him. There was so much more to it than that. They barely knew each other but Elias had been enough to stop Finn even crossing his mind. Caden had noticed Elias eyeing up the photograph in his wallet and he felt like a fool for even having it there. It was burning a hole in his back pocket as he sat there, but for all the wrong reasons. Elias was no more a rebound than Finn’s adultery was a silly mistake. If he stopped to think about it, he had never desired Finn like that. It had just been something that happened. Ever since the beginning of their relationship, things had just happened and Caden had gone along with it. He thought that’s what life was about, finding somebody in your early twenties and going through the motions. As he sat on the jetty, a man quickly approaching his thirties in a situation that some would call a mid-life crisis, he had never felt more alive.
“Y’know that thing we did earlier?” Elias said casually, “I think I want to do it again. Right now.”
Caden’s cock instantly sprung to attention and without wasting any time, they headed straight back to his apartment to repeat their antics, this time in the shower. After another round on the couch and another in the kitchen, Caden noticed the setting sun and he knew there was somewhere he needed to be. He dressed, for what felt like the tenth time that day and Elias walked him to the door, a sad feeling in the air.
“When will I see you again?” there was fear in Elias’ voice.
“I’m not supposed to be here until the end of the week, but you have my number. Call me tonight.”
Caden opened the door and was surrounded by the smell of baked goods. They kissed again, both of them dragging it out, neither wanting it to end. Caden was in a pink cloud of lust and after the best sex of his life, which had been topped by each draining orgasm, he felt like nothing could bring him down.
“The second you’re free of that rehab, I’m going to shout this from the rooftops,” Caden whispered through the promise, “you’re too good to be my secret.”
“Your secret?” Elias whispered back, “does that mean I’m yours?”
“I want you to be mine.”
“I’ll have to cancel my dates with Havenmoore’s other eligible bachelors, but I guess I can do that,” Elias winked as he pulled away, his tongue running over the metal ring in his lip.
“Sorry for the inconvenience,” Caden stepped out into the darkening alley.
They said their goodbyes and the second Elias closed the door, Caden already missed him. It felt silly and immature, kind of like the high school fling that everybody should have, except for the closeted gays who are too scared to talk to the other guys they suspect are gay. It made him feel giddy and excited for the future. The consequences of what it could do to his mom were crammed up in the back of his mind, because Elias was taking up the rest.
Pulling out his wallet, he wriggled out the picture from happier times and tossed it straight into the dumpster without a second look. He walked out into the street where the baker was locking up. He shot Caden a look that said ‘I know what you’ve been doing up there’ and he second-guessed if his cries of pleasure had been as quiet as he had thought.
When he headed into the mayor’s office, Elias was still on his mind. This had been in his plan, before they jumped into bed together and he knew when the post-sex glow vanished, his mind would be back on trying to get Elias’ life into a better place. He asked the surly faced receptionist if he could see the mayor but when asked if he had an appointment he was quickly denied entry to her inner sanctum.
“Can I leave a message?” his question was met with a sigh that told him his message would probably never get to Judy James, but it was worth a shot.
The receptionist tossed him a blank notepad and a heavy, expensive feeling pen. She looked like she was thinking of ending her workday so she could go home. Caden quickly scribbled down the speech he had prepared to give to the mayor. He jotted down his phone number at the bottom and signed it before sliding it back to the receptionist. Without a second glance at the note, she dropped the pad back onto her desk and gave Caden a smile that read ‘please leave so I can’.
“What’s with the smile?” his mom looked up from the huge pan of surprise soup she was making, “You look like the cat who got the cream.”
“Am I not
allowed to smile without a reason?” he shrugged, taking a seat at the table, suddenly feeling hungry from his day of extensive cardio.
His dad glanced over the top of his newspaper and he shared the same look as the baker. Shrugging naughtily, Caden started to flick through the letters on the table. When he noticed one addressed to him, he instantly recognized the New York returnee address in the corner.
The bubble burst and he came crashing down to earth in an instant. Not wanting to sink beneath the earth’s crust and deep into his molten core, he stuffed the letter into his jeans and forced back the smile. All he had to do was think about the things he and Elias had done and it returned in an instant.
“How long till dinner, Mom? I’m starving!”
They couldn’t keep away from each other. From the second Caden left Elias’ apartment, Elias watched the small LED clock on the stove, wondering when it was the right time to call to arrange something. They spent over an hour on the phone, chatting about nothing and everything. It was nice, so nice in fact that after they finally hung up with plans to see each other the next day, Elias wanted to call him again.
He felt obsessed and completely attached to Caden. He wondered if it was his addictive personality kicking in, or something new. He wasn’t sure that people could get addicted to other people, but if it was possible, he couldn’t get enough fixes of Caden.
The next day, they met up in the town square and went to a park, where they talked about everything from school to Caden’s life in New York. It turned out, they went to the same schools as kids and they had most of the same teachers but they were years apart. Elias also learned that Caden seemed to be dreading his thirtieth birthday. He was acting like it was the end of his life, which Elias found hilarious.
They grabbed ice cream and sat on a bench, watching the rest of the world pass by. Their conversation died down, but the silence wasn’t awkward. It was nice to sit in each other’s company without forcing something to talk about. When Elias reached the bottom of his cone, ice cream running down the back of his fingers, something to talk about was walking towards them.
“Isn’t that your sister?” Caden pointed Ellie out at the same time that she noticed them.
Elias looked around for Kobi, knowing that she wouldn’t have come to the park alone. It took him a couple of seconds but he spotted his dark hair in a group of kids who were busy chasing birds around the grass without a care in the world.
He almost thought she would turn and head in a different direction, pretending she hadn’t seen him, but she surprised him and carried on walking, even if a little reluctant.
“Hey,” Elias shielded his eyes from the sun, “what’s up?”
“It’s my day off,” she hovered, keeping her distance, “I thought I’d bring Kobi to the park. I was just coming to sit on – never mind.”
“Here,” Elias moved over, cramming himself up next to Caden, “don’t stand because of me.”
She looked suspicious and he could tell she was trying to figure out why he was in such a good mood. The last time she had seen him, he had looked like death warmed over and he was begging for sleeping pills. That had only been a couple of days ago. A lot had changed since then.
“So -,” she looked out.
“So,” Elias couldn’t pull up a normal talking point to discuss with his twin and he could sense that she couldn’t either.
Caden sat on the end, blissfully unaware as he finished off his ice cream, squinting into the sun as it lit up his hair.
“You look good,” she said, “get some sleep?”
“Lots,” he fidgeted slightly and he felt Caden do the same, “yeah, I feel good.”
“Good.”
The silence continued for a couple of seconds and they both watched Kobi play with his friends and he was completely unaware that his mother and uncle were observing him. Elias was glad that he hadn’t noticed him because if he did, he had run straight over and Ellie would probably whisk him away with another speech about him being the world’s worst uncle. He couldn’t blame her. He felt the cleanest he had felt in a long time but he wasn’t giving his sister that impression. Why did I have to ask her for sleeping pills? She’ll never trust me now.
“He’s growing so fast.”
“They do that,” she nodded, “you’ve missed a lot.”
Her words were casual, but sharp. Caden sensed it too because he gently rubbed his elbow against Elias, telling him to let it slide. He wanted to let his sister in on what had changed but he couldn’t let the secret out, not after he had promised Caden he wouldn’t say anything. He didn’t even know what they were.
“It’s his birthday soon.”
“No,” she shook her head, “I mean, yes, he’s having a party and no, you’re not invited. I can’t risk it. John will never allow it.”
“I wasn’t -,” he sighed heavily, knowing it was going to take a long time to iron out the creases of his past mistakes, “I was just saying. Can I get him something? You can give it to him.”
She thought for a second, tucking her short black hair behind her diamond studded ears. A quick nod let him know that was okay. He didn’t have a clue what to buy a kid turning seven, nor did he know what kind of things Kobi liked. He vaguely remembered that he liked Hot Wheels years ago but kids never stayed liking the same things for long. He almost asked, but that would make him look even worse in Ellie’s eyes.
“You keep smiling,” Ellie said without looking at him, “what’s happened to you?”
“Can’t I smile?” Elias laughed.
“No. It’s weird. You don’t usually.”
Was it that obvious that he had sex yesterday? He felt like everybody they saw could tell but it probably wasn’t that visible to the naked eye. Two people, walking around a park with smiles on their face was probably a normal sight and nobody else could see the pink haze surrounding them.
“Things are looking up.”
She turned to look at him, her lips still pursed. It was as though she didn’t believe a single word that left his mouth. He had spent so many years lying through his teeth, he wasn’t surprised she was suspicious of his every move. Even she must have noticed that he had never stayed clean this long before after leaving rehab. Elias had already broken his own record and he only had a couple of weeks until his drug test, which would spell the end of his aftercare and the beginning of his life as a free man.
“It suits you. You need a haircut,” she tilted her head to look at him, “and you could take those piercings out. Somebody might want to employ you.”
“I like them,” Caden spoke up for the first time, following it up by a cough, “I mean, they suit him. Don’t you think?”
It was Caden’s turn to have Ellie’s suspicious eyes on him. Elias got the piercings as an act of defiance and rebellion when he was seventeen, around the same time he started using cocaine. Back then, he thought he was the one in control. It wasn’t until his early twenties that he was ready to admit it controlled him but by then, it was too late.
“I guess,” she wasn’t going to start arguing with somebody she barely knew, which pleased Elias, “have you started looking for a job yet?”
“Caden was talking about getting me in a GED program,” he wondered if that pre-argument offer still stood, “it’ll still be hard to find one but a diploma might help.”
She made a throaty grunt of agreement and she almost seemed annoyed that he seemed to be on top of things. He knew she was trying to catch him out and he liked being able to be honest about things.
“My friend Jenny, she works at that big grocery store on the other side of town. I could give her your number, if you want?” Ellie mumbled, almost silently.
“Sure,” Elias nodded, “yeah, do it.”
He doubted anything would come of it. They’d only need to look at his record to see that he was practically unemployable. Theft, breaking and entering, supplying and using drugs were hardly the traits you looked for when seeking out a new employee. The
diploma might help outweigh them slightly, but until he put some distance between him and his last offense, he would probably have to keep living off his welfare checks.
Ellie’s phone beeped and she pulled it out to check what it was. After reading a rather long text message, she sighed and crammed her cell back into her black skinny jeans, muttering curse words under her breath.
“Why is it impossible to find a babysitter in this town?” she huffed, “They always cancel. When I was a kid, we were fighting over each other to get these jobs and now girls are turning them down to go to parties with boys.”
“You and John have plans?”
“We’ve been trying to go out for a meal for months, just the two of us. Tonight is the first night in months that we haven’t both been working. He got us reservations at this really nice restaurant in Portland and - I guess I’ll have to call and cancel. I’ll never find somebody this late in the day. We’ll just have to wait until The Medical Ball to go out.”
A flicker of disappointment and exhaustion washed across her face and Elias knew his idea was bold but it was worth a shot.
“I could –,”
“No. Whatever you were about to say, don’t.”
“Fine!” he knew it was a long shot that Ellie would let him look after Kobi for a whole night, “It was just an idea.”
“A terrible idea.”
They all sat in silence again, staring at the kids playing. This was the most time he had spent with Kobi in years and Kobi didn’t even know he was there. The wall he had to jump over still felt as high as ever, even though he felt like he was crawling up it. Would Ellie ever think he was ready?
“What about me?” Caden said, “I’m free tonight.”
Ellie leaned forward, the frown vanishing. She was actually considering it. She looked from Caden to Kobi, wondering if it was a good idea. She knew he worked for a charity, so he was responsible and she probably hadn’t figured out how close Caden and Elias were from the piercing remark.
“Are you sure? He can be a little uneasy when we’re not there.”
