by Ashley John
“Elias?” he pushed his mouth up to the door, “Are you in there? It’s Caden. I’m – we need to talk.”
Clenching up his fists, he hit the wood hard, pressing his ear firmly against the green peeling paint. There was no answer. When he turned, Billy the baker was leaning against the dumpster with a cigarette hanging from his lip, all of the words from the newspaper article written all over his face.
He was about to offer an explanation to the greasy, little man but he tore away, the need to find Elias growing in his chest every second. Walking around the corner into the small town square, he stared at the town hall but he knew the mayor wouldn’t know where Elias was anymore than he did. Turning on the spot, he scanned the faces in the crowd, looking for somebody or something familiar.
Caden found that familiar face, but it wasn’t Elias. He watched as Finn opened the door to one of Havenmoore’s tiny guesthouses. In the summer, the town attracted a small tourist crowd but in September, they were usually empty, waiting for the hot weather to roll around again. Almost not believing his eyes, he bolted across the square, heading straight into the guesthouse.
The noise of the square disappeared to be replaced with the soft hum of violins, crackling from an old radio behind the counter where an elderly woman was sitting on a stool, a book wedged in her hands.
“Where did that guy go?” he asked the woman, who finished her page before looking up.
“I don’t want any trouble,” her voice was husky and aged, “unless you’re looking for a room.”
“I need to speak to the guy who just came in here. Finn’s his name. Is he staying here?”
The woman didn’t look like she was going to tell him but before she could tell him that, Finn appeared at the foot of the stairs, summoned by Caden’s voice. He had a soft, nearly smug smile on his face as he stood with his hands casually hanging from the pockets of his too-tight jeans.
“Looking for a room?” he smirked, “I’ve got a twin if you want to share?”
“You’ll have to pay for that,” the old woman coughed, “I’m not running some kind of hotel. You pay per person in these parts.”
“I’m not looking for a room,” Caden snapped, “I want to know what you’re doing here.”
Finn narrowed his eyes on Caden and Caden could tell that he was trying to think up a story to excuse his presence. Caden was sure that Finn would have ran straight back to New York with his tail between his legs the second Caden told him that he wasn’t interested in the heartwarming reunion Finn had planned.
“There’s a small coffee shop next door if you want to talk,” Finn stepped down from the step, taking a small stride towards Caden before bouncing back on his heels with a carefreeness that Caden envied, “or we could do this here?”
The woman snorted without looking up from her book, which she was back to reading even though it was obvious her ears were pricked to listen to every single word. The thought of having coffee with Finn didn’t sound fun but neither did starting an argument in the reception of a guesthouse with an eighty-nine year old audience member.
“Fine.”
Caden told Finn that he didn’t actually want to drink coffee because he didn’t plan on sticking around for long but Finn came back with a drink for each of them. Caden was even angrier that he got him his favorite, a Salted Caramel Latte. A latte wasn’t going to be a big enough Band-Aid. They sat at one of the tables on the sidewalk outside the coffee shop. The sun was already starting to set and there was a chill in the air but Finn didn’t seem affected as he smiled, looking around the square as though nothing strange was going on.
“Why are you still here? You always hated coming here with me. What was it you called this place? The waiting room to hell?”
“It’s quiet here,” Finn sipped his coffee, “maybe I’ve changed. People can change.”
“Oh, I know people can change. I’ve changed since I got back here but you’re not getting away with pretending you have. Why are you really here?”
Finn narrowed his eyes across the table, his firm and solid chest pushing through the tight red t-shirt he was wearing. As the sun lowered in the sky, it cast a golden glow on Finn’s pale hair.
“There’s been a water leak at the apartment,” he said with a tightening in his jaw, “I found out when I was about to drive back, so I thought I’d stick around for a couple of days until it was fixed.”
“Liar,” Caden sighed, “you always do that jaw thing when you’re lying.”
Finn smirked, clearly caught out.
“Would you believe me if I told you I just wanted a couple of days here to see why you were so sure you wanted to stay for the rest of your life?”
“Nope.”
“You obviously know me inside out,” Finn leaned in, “because I still think it’s the waiting room to hell.”
Caden could see right through what Finn was trying to do. He was trying to show Caden how much they really knew each other but he felt like the version of Caden that Finn thought he knew was still in New York, where it would always stay.
“If you’re here to try and convince me to come back with you, it won’t work.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ve moved on.”
“With that addict?”
“Don’t even pretend like you know him.”
“I know that he’s got a little coke habit,” Finn sipped his coffee innocently, “bad habit to kick.”
“And yet he’s kicked it. He’s clean.”
“How can you be sure?”
Caden wasn’t. He hadn’t seen the results from the rehab and he suddenly had a dark thought that Elias was avoiding him because the results weren’t what they’d expected them to be. No, he hasn’t relapsed. I’d know.
“We’re not here to talk about Elias.”
“He’s the problem,” Finn’s bright blues rolled around in his sockets, “he’s what’s stopping you from seeing how stupid all of this is, Cadey. If it’s a mid-life crisis, we can work through it, together. We can pretend this last month didn’t happen. It was a blip.”
“Our relationship was a blip. A long, blind blip. Elias is the reason I’ve come to my senses,” there was a bite in his voice, “why are you here? Don’t make me ask again.”
The sweetness and light vanished from Finn’s face and his head lowered slightly. Peering under his perfectly groomed brows at Caden, he almost looked genuinely upset.
“I can’t make rent,” he exhaled deeply, “New York is expensive. When I was driving back, Adam told me that he saw the super knocking on my door talking about eviction.”
“Adam?” Caden laughed, “Still hooking up with him? Why come back here? Why not go to New York and stay with one of your friends until you worked something out?”
Finn’s silence said it all. He had a look that cried ‘a man has needs’ written all over his face.
“Because I’m two months behind with the rent,” he whispered, leaning across the table with the cardboard coffee cup clenched tightly in his hands, “do you have any idea how difficult is was to keep up that lifestyle when you were practically earning nothing? When you left me, it became even harder and I couldn’t keep up.”
“I’ve only been gone for a month.”
“The bills have been piling up for months.”
“So? What does this have to do with me?”
“Because you didn’t complain when I was buying all of that expensive stuff for the apartment. You helped me get into this situation.”
Caden had grown used to the life that Finn supplied but now that he was out of it, it felt like all of the lavish things he liked to do were just distractions so Caden didn’t notice that he was fucking Adam and probably other men behind his back.
“I still don’t get why you’re staying here.”
“Because,” he sighed, “I wanted to convince you to come back with me. We could work things out and we’d move past this.”
“You mean my tiny rent contribution will
keep your head above water? I’m sorry that I didn’t earn as much as you but it’s not my fault that you have expensive taste.”
“It’s not just about money, Cadey,” Finn let go of his coffee cup and darted his hands across the table, grabbing Caden’s, “I really do miss you.”
Looking down at the hands, he could almost believe him.
Elias didn’t know how long he had been standing on the corner watching Caden and Finn talk but he couldn’t look away. When he saw Finn’s hands grab Caden’s, he waited for Caden to pull them away, but he didn’t.
He instantly felt sick and dizzy as the pieces of the puzzle started to slot into place. This is why he didn’t call you. This is what he’s been doing. He felt his heart clench tightly in his chest as his legs suddenly reanimated. Running around the corner to his apartment, he paused before opening the door, leaning against the wood as he stared up at the darkening sky.
He waited for the sickness to pass but it didn’t. Just thinking about how quickly Caden could move on made him want to throw up. Billy, the baker appeared at the door, tossing a tray of burnt muffins into the dumpster. He looked Elias up and down, shook his head and headed back inside.
Elias felt pathetic. Love had blinded him and turned him into a fool. Caden had helped him get clean but had he just been a project until the ex decided to run over from the big city? Elias knew he had been a distraction, but he didn’t know how much of one he had been.
When he finally found the strength to dig his apartment keys from the bottom of his pocket, he headed up into the darkness, the optimism and hope he had felt when leaving the party suddenly draining away, leaving him completely empty.
In a fit of rage, he started tossing around the clothes in his bedroom until he found the suit jacket from the ball. With shaking fumbling fingers, he felt the inner lining of the jacket rip under his touch as he searched for the letter he had fished out of Caden’s trashcan. The envelope was crinkled, the artfully neat handwriting addressed to Caden mocking him. Maybe Caden finally read one of those letters and realized what he was missing out on?
Heading into the kitchen, he dug under the sink, knocking everything all over the floor. The washing detergent box split, sending white powder across the white tiles. Elias didn’t care how much of a mess he was making because he found what he was looking for. A bottle of vodka was buried deep in the back. It had been one of the first things he had done when he got the apartment. A habit he had always found hard to break. Always hide something in case they think they’ve taken everything. He had forgotten about it, letting it mingle in with the spray bleach and fabric softener. When he really needed it, it was the first place his mind went.
With the unopened bottle in one hand and the letter clenched in the other, he crashed on the couch. First things first, he cracked open the vodka. It was odorless but he could practically taste it. Taking once quick swig, he was surprised at how strong it tasted. Had vodka always been that strong? Screwing the cap back into place, he let it fall onto the couch as he felt his mouth and throat burn.
Next, he ripped open the letter, pouring over two double-sided computer-typed pages of Finn’s deepest feelings. The first half of the first page was filled with apologies, the second half with excuses, the second side with the great memories they had shared and then a whole page dedicated to begging and promising to change if Caden forgave him.
How could I ever compete with this? All of Caden’s memories with me revolve around my problems.
Scrunching up the letter, he tossed it across his apartment. It didn’t make him feel any better. The vodka was next to go. Letting out a deep and angry scream, he launched it at the wall. It drastically missed where he was aiming for, hitting the wall mounted TV. It cracked and tilted, creaking desperately as it hung from the wall with one remaining bracket.
He could break everything in the apartment but it wouldn’t make him feel any better. He could drink every bottle of vodka he could get his hands on but it wouldn’t make him feel any better. The one thing he knew could make him feel better was the one thing he had been stupid enough to lose.
Pulling the drug test from his back pocket, he let the results mock him for a second before ripping it into as many tiny pieces as his crumbling fingers could.
***
“I’m leaving. I’m not listening to this anymore,” Caden stood, leaving his coffee untouched, “there’s somewhere I need to be.”
“You’re going to him, aren’t you?” the sweetness had turned to begging and the begging had turned to rage, “When are you going to grow up? You’re nearly thirty and you’re running around like a lovesick teenager.”
“So?” Caden shrugged, “I’ll take that any day over a fool who stays with somebody who cheats on them.”
“Mistakes happen!” Finn stood and started following Caden across the square as he headed to the line of taxis on the corner, ready to search the entire town for Elias if he had to.
“They do. It was a mistake for you to stay here.”
Trampling through the flowerbeds of the grassy common area, Caden zipped up his jacket as the night slowly crept in early, signaling the end of summer and the start of fall. Soon the town would be filled with pumpkins and for once, he would be around to see it. Nothing was going to drag him away from Havenmoore as long as Elias was there. A damning newspaper article and a desperate ex-boyfriend were not going to be the things to stand in his way.
“Caden!” Finn’s shriek was so loud, Caden felt the busy town square silence suddenly as everybody turned to see what the drama was, “Stop running away from me.”
“I’m not running away, I’m walking away. Stop following me.”
Finn caught up with him and a hand wrapped around Caden’s arm, dragging him roughly around. He looked into those crystal and cold eyes as they searched for something to say to make Caden change his mind.
“Cadey, Cadey listen to me,” Finn ran the back of his hand up and down Caden’s stubbly cheek, “we can get through this. I’m sorry. I fucked up. I wasn’t thinking.”
Caden looked down to the hand gripping him as perfectly manicured nails tightened around his jacket, digging into his skin.
“Let go of me,” Caden struggled, “you’re hurting me!”
“What you’re doing is hurting me,” Finn lost all control of his volume as he entered hysterical territory, “why don’t you want me?”
Caden stared at his soft, tanned skin. When they’d first met, Caden was convinced that Finn was out of his league. They’d met at a party, both of them with dates they didn’t like. They found each other in the kitchen, searching for alcohol and they ditched the party and were soon back at Finn’s apartment, in his bed. He had wanted him so much then, but that was just physically. Finn was beautiful but he was emotionally empty. Like a technically good painting missing that little extra sparkle, Finn was missing the extra that Elias had in abundance. It was nothing to do with want, it was all about need.
“We’re over,” Caden cried back, “I’m not telling you again.”
With his free hand, he grabbed Finn’s wrist and yanked him off with so much force that Finn stumbled backwards, falling into the flowers, squashing them even more. A crowd had lined the edges of the square, all gasping dramatically as they watched the scene unfold in silence.
“Get up,” Caden crouched to help Finn up, “just go back to New York.”
“Get off me!” his loudest screech yet, “Just leave me alone.”
Caden knew Finn better than he would like to admit. Finn would happily put himself in a situation to be made fun of, that’s what made him the life of every party. One thing he didn’t like was when somebody else put him in that situation. He was a man who hated losing control and embarrassment was his Achilles’ heel. Scrambling to his feet, he wiped the dirt off the back of his skinny jeans and headed straight for the guesthouse with his head down. Caden knew that he wouldn’t see Finn again. This was his version of a retreat and if Caden was right, Finn woul
d be packing his bag and jumping into his car the second he was back in his room.
The crowd all watched to see what Caden’s next move was going to be. When he remembered the front page of the newspaper he had adorned, he could see the recognition in the eyes of most of the people staring at him. They were probably waiting for the next scandal to emerge so they could watch his downfall. Let them wonder, I have somewhere I need to be.
Turning back to the cabs, somebody caught his eye. Not because he recognized them, not at first, but because they were hurrying along the sidewalk with a phone pressed into their ear. They were so engrossed in their call, they hadn’t noticed the public show that was happening right under their nose. When the crowd reanimated, Caden noticed who the person was. Judy James. Anger bubbled up inside him as he watched the woman who had ruined his life walk by without a care in the world. He would have let her vanish out of sight but she did something unusual that caught his eye. Instead of running up the steps of the town hall, she stopped outside to drop her cellphone into her bag.
Walking forward slowly, Caden mounted the sidewalk and stood next to one of the taxis.
“Where to?” a voice in an accent he didn’t recognize mumbled through the window, “Hey, you, do you want a taxi or not?”
Caden looked down to the man for a second before looking back up to watch the mayor. She was pretending to look in her purse but her eyes were darting around the square from underneath her angular haircut. She was looking to see if she was being watched.
“Dude?” the driver asked, “Get in or get off my patch.”
“Sorry,” Caden stepped back without making eye contact.
The mayor had him transfixed because she looked like she was up to something. After a couple of seconds of watching her, it became obvious that she wasn’t just looking to see if she was being watched, she was waiting for somebody. Creeping along the sidewalk with his head down, he got as close to her as he dared. Leaning against a lamppost as it flickered into life, he watched her out of the corner of his eye.
