by Ashley John
“I’m no saint.”
“So why are you acting like one?”
“I’ve told you. I’m staying clean.”
“We both know you’ll crack. Maybe not now, but one day. Something will happen and it will be too much for you to deal with and you’ll turn to your old friend and you’ll be chasing white lines faster than you can get on your knees to pay for it.”
Elias almost believed him. It was something he had done so many times, so what was different this time?
“You’re wrong.”
“You know I’m not wrong.”
“Leave.”
There was a loud knock at the door and they both looked together. He knew who he wanted to be on the other side of that door but he knew it wouldn’t be him.
“Elias?” it was his sister, “Are you in there?”
Rigsy lifted his finger to his lips, motioning for Elias to be quiet. Just as he was about to scream out, he looked at the coffee table. It wouldn’t take Ellie long to jump to conclusions.
“Elias, if you’re in there, this is important,” she banged harder on the door, “please, answer the door.”
Elias didn’t care if Ellie believed him, nor did he care what assumptions she was going to jump to. The look in Rigsy’s eyes was enough to scare him. Taking his chance, he darted for the door. His hand closed around the handle, but he wasn’t fast enough. Rigsy must have sensed what he was about to do, because thick fingers closed around his mouth, pulling him tightly into his firm chest.
“She doesn’t need to know we’re here, does she?” Rigsy growled in his ear, the coke kicking in, “Let’s just stay like this. She’ll go away.”
“Elias?” this time it wasn’t Ellie.
“Caden!” Elias attempted to scream but Rigsy’s fingers turned it into inaudible nonsense, “Caden!”
“What did I just say?” the hand tightened, “I have a job to do and you’re not fucking this up.”
Rigsy dragged Elias towards the coffee table, where two fresh lines were waiting for him. He thrashed and kicked but nothing he did seemed to affect Rigsy. He was a dealer and a dangerous one at that. He could handle skinny men in their late-twenties in his sleep. It was a lost fight from the second he let Rigsy into his apartment.
“Please,” his cries were muffled as the tears appeared on his cheeks.
***
“I know he’s in there,” Caden pressed his ear against the door, “the light’s on. Look, you can see it around the edges of the door.”
“Maybe he went out?”
“It wasn’t on when I came before.”
“Maybe he came back?” Ellie looked up and down the alley, “And left again?”
She didn’t look convinced and with each passing second, she seemed to be taking Caden’s story less and less seriously. The wine was clearly setting in and she was talking herself out of believing that her own mother would pay somebody off to set up her brother.
“This doesn’t feel right,” Caden’s fingers ran through his strawberry blonde hair, grabbing fistfuls of it, “I don’t know where else he could be.”
“Caden, when you get to know my brother, you’ll learn that he’s not predictable. As far as we know, he’s skipped town or – I don’t know – maybe he’s -,”
“I know what you’re going to say,” he silenced her with his hand, “don’t. He’s changed.”
“I’m just saying,” she shrugged, wrapping her arms across her body as a wind picked up around them, “I’ll check the window out front. I might see movement. He could be in the shower?”
“He always showers with the door open,” he mumbled, almost to himself, “Elias?”
His cries were met with silence. Desperation ran through him, making him regret every decision made over the last couple of days. I should never have walked out. I should have fought for him. I shouldn’t have left it this long.
“I think I saw a shadow,” Ellie called out from the front of the bakery, “I can’t tell.”
Caden was about to join her at the front of the bakery but the sound of smashing glass froze him to the spot. The wind was growing stronger, playing tricks on his ears. He wasn’t sure if it had come from the apartment or from the other side of the alley.
“Did you hear that?” Ellie appeared at the mouth of the alley, “Sounded like glass smashing.”
“I can’t do this,” Caden took a step back from the door, leaning against the dumpster, “he’s in there, I know it.”
Using his shoulder as a battering ram, he launched his body at the door. It creaked under his weight, but it didn’t budge.
“What are you doing?” Ellie shrieked.
“It looks easy in the movies!”
His ego wounded, he rubbed his shoulder pathetically. He was about to try again but he heard more smashing. It sounded denser than glass. He thought about the table lamp next to the couch.
“Move,” Ellie pushed Caden to the side, “the weakest part of a door is next to the lock. Everybody knows that.”
“They do?”
He guessed the wine was to blame for her sudden braveness but he wasn’t complaining. The door swung open on impact with her foot.
“See,” she stood back proudly.
“I loosened it up for you.”
Feeling like he had already wasted more than enough time, he took the stairs two at a time, hoping that the sounds hadn’t come from the apartment. Please be okay, Elias, please.
“Elias!” the deep scream from his throat was barely vocalized when he saw the man dressed in black from the alley, on top of Elias as he rolled around on the floor in the mess of broken furniture.
There was no doubt in Caden’s mind of what he needed to do. No decision-making or split second regrets. The man he loved was in danger and he would go down trying to save him. Grabbing fistfuls of Rigsy’s loose jacket, he dragged him off Elias. He had the element of surprise on his side and by the looks of it, a drug dealer under the influence of his own merchandise.
Clenching his fist, he struck Rigsy in the middle of his face. He tumbled back, landing flat out on the remains of the broken glass coffee table. His fist ached but the true pain was blinded.
“I’ll call the police,” Ellie was already digging in her purse.
“Don’t,” Elias stood up, “there’s drugs. I’ll be -,”
Before he could finish his sentence, silent and painful sobs tightened his face as he fell into Caden’s body. There was no question if this was the right thing to do. Caden was through with the questions and talking.
“I love you,” he whispered into Elias’ dark hair, “I love you so much.”
Three coffees, one long explanation and a drug flushing down the toilet later, the police finally arrived. Rigsy had already fled, bolting for the door the second he woke up from Caden’s surprising punch. It turned out that was the first time he had punched somebody, which flattered Elias.
“Wait, so you’re telling me somebody broke into your place, trashed it and took nothing?” the police officer closed his book, a look on his face that he was close to clocking off for the night, “Are you sure they didn’t take anything?”
“I’m sure,” Elias nodded, Caden’s arm still firmly around him as they sat on the couch, “I have nothing to take.”
“The TV?” the police officer nodded at the now broken 42” screen, “They broke it instead of taking it?”
“Have you ever tried to rip a TV off a wall?” Ellie’s tone of authority made the police officer back off, “My brother’s told you everything he knows. It was probably kids, drunk kids looking for a cheap thrill. You should be out there looking for them instead of questioning my brother.”
The police officer ended up apologizing before leaving.
“I can’t believe she’d do this,” Elias exhaled deeply when they were all finally alone, not wanting to believe what Caden had seen.
“She said she’d pay him the second half when he finished. She didn’t say what it was but findin
g him here made it all clear. I didn’t want to believe it either,” Caden pulled him in close, “but we know what she’s capable of.”
“Our own mother,” Ellie shook her head heavily, “I just -,”
“I know,” he clenched his sister’s hand, “welcome to the shitty end of the stick.”
Ellie busied herself with cleaning up the glass and when the vacuum was stored away in the cleaning cupboard Elias didn’t know he had, she left them alone, promising to send someone in the morning to fix the door that now wouldn’t lock. Caden jammed a side table up against the door and the bottom step of the staircase so it wasn’t opening anytime soon.
When silence finally fell on the apartment, Elias leaned into Caden’s shoulder, smelling the aftershave first hand. It felt so good to be back in his arms.
“I’m sorry,” Caden whispered gently.
“Why?”
“For leaving.”
“I told you to.”
“I knew you didn’t mean it,” lips pressed against the top of his head, “do you forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive. I’m the one who should be sorry. I drove you right back into his arms.”
“Whose arms?”
“New York boy’s. I saw you, holding hands in the square.”
Caden pulled away, a look of confusion on his face.
“You saw that?”
“It’s fine. I don’t blame you.”
“No, Elias. We weren’t holding hands! He came to town a couple of days ago, the morning I was on the front page of the paper. I would have told you, but we got into a fight and I thought he had left. I saw him this afternoon when I was looking for you. He’s staying in the guesthouse and I wanted to know why. He grabbed my hands but I pulled away. Me and him, we are as over as over can be.”
Elias pulled away from the hug, moving to the end of the couch. Dropping his face into his hands, it all sounded too good to be true. He believed every word Caden said but he couldn’t believe that he had reacted in the way he did.
“I did all of this for nothing,” Elias mumbled into his hands, “I thought you were leaving. I thought you were going back with him.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because I’m no good for you,” Elias stood up, “I read one of those letters he wrote you. I stole it from your mom’s trash. It sounded like it was perfect. You have so many memories and all I’ve done for you is ruin your life. That newspaper is as much my fault as my mom’s because I dragged you into my mess.”
He walked through where the coffee table would have been and leaned against the fireplace where the TV used to be. When he felt Caden’s hands carefully tightening around his shoulders, it was the most comforting thing he had ever felt.
“You didn’t drag me. I fell,” Caden whispered, “I fell for you so hard.”
Elias turned around, his eyes closed. Inhaling deeply, he felt Caden’s body heat right in front of his. It was a feeling he thought he would never be lucky enough to feel again. He wanted to cry, but not out of frustration or anger, out of happiness. It was too good to be real, making him clench his eyes even harder.
When he opened them, Caden’s lips were against his, forcing him to close his eyes again. His knees buckled under the kiss but Caden was there to catch him.
“I hate thinking about his hands on you,” Caden pressed his forehead hard against Elias’, “you should have a shower.”
Elias nodded, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed with Caden by his side, “Okay.”
“I’m joining you,” Caden kissed him again, “I’m not letting you out of my sight ever again.”
All of the confusion and crossed wires melted away. His mother became a problem to deal with another day because he only had one thing on his mind now. Looping his fingers around Caden’s, he pulled him toward the bathroom without breaking the kiss. They both fell into the door and Caden fumbled with the handle behind Elias’ back. Their clothes were off in seconds, leaving their bodies pressed up against each other, neither of them wanting to break the contact so they could step into the shower.
It was Elias who broke first, feeling the cold air kiss his backside. Ripping open the shower doors, he fell inside, dragging Caden in with him. Caden twisted the water tap and ice cold water shot out between them. The water quickly turned warm and then hot, filling the tiny bathroom with thick, blinding steam.
“Turn around,” the passion heavy in Caden’s moan.
Elias turned, aware that this was something new. He should have been scared, he should have been nervous, but he wasn’t. He wanted to feel Caden as close as possible. I need him. Caden twisted Elias’ neck, kissing the side of his mouth sloppily as the hand pulled his cheeks apart. He broke the kiss to spit into his hand before letting a finger slowly explore Elias.
He writhed and moaned from the new feeling and he surprised himself by not hating it. The louder he moaned, the harder Caden kissed him and the deeper the finger went. Elias was soon flat against the wet tiles, his arms searching the smooth surface for something to grip to as the finger was soon replaced with something thicker.
A couple of minutes of un-comfortableness were greeted with what felt like a lifetime of pleasure. Elias was glad of Caden’s arms gripping his body in a vice like hug because the feeling was blinding. The water cascaded between their bodies as Caden pushed himself deeper and deeper into Elias.
The intimacy was unrivaled. Elias had never felt more connected with another person, which only made the ending even harder to accept. When he was finished, Caden twisted Elias back around to send him to that same ecstatic place. He was quickly reminded of that high that he could happily spend his life chasing.
They finished the shower by taking turns washing each other and then drying each other before falling on top of Elias’ bed, with the weight of the day pushing them into the cold sheets. Elias was exhausted and not just from the sex. He wanted to believe that it was all over because he had Caden by his side but it wasn’t.
“What are we going to do about her?” Elias mumbled into the dark, not even sure if Caden was still awake.
Caden rolled over and pulled Elias’ body into his, kissing him softly on the back of the head as he cradled him in his arms, “I have an idea, we need to start communicating in a language your mother understands.”
“What language?”
“Secrets,” Caden whispered.
Elias could only spend a couple of seconds thinking about what Caden was talking about before sleep dragged him away heavily.
***
The sun was starting to rise when Caden found himself halfway between sleep and consciousness. An early morning wind, signalling an oncoming storm fluttered the curtains through the open window. The room was cold so Caden rolled over to pull Elias in closer. He rolled into emptiness.
Blinking open his tired eyes, he found out what had stirred him from his sleep in the first place. He sat up in bed, watching as Elias frantically stuffed clothes into a tiny backpack.
“What are you doing?” Caden rubbed his eyes, “What time is it?”
“Packing,” he looked like he didn’t have time to talk, “and I don’t know. I woke up and I couldn’t get back to sleep and I just wondered why we were still here. After everything that has happened, why are we still sitting in this apartment, waiting for her to do something else to us? It’ll only be a matter of time before she gets bored of my happy ever after. She hates seeing people win over her. She failed last night but that doesn’t mean she’ll fail every time.”
Caden shook away the remains of sleep as he checked the time.
“It’s half past five in the morning. Come back to bed,” Caden patted the empty space next to him, “we’ll talk about it in the morning.”
“The morning will be too late,” Elias emptied what was left in his underwear drawer onto the bed before digging for the best pairs to pack, “after what she did to you and then the whole thing with Rigsy, she’ll have something else planned.
I was thinking the reason she got him to come here was to get drugs in my system. If she was doing that, she’s planning something else.”
“What else can she do?”
“I don’t know,” he scratched his hair frantically, his naked body lighting up as the hazy, gray sky outside started to lift, “random drug test? Police raid? She’ll think of something. It will never end.”
“It’ll come back clean every time.”
“I didn’t even tell you did I?” Elias suddenly stopped, “I passed my drug test yesterday morning.”
“I know. I didn’t even doubt it.”
Elias let himself smile for a second before grabbing more clothes to pack. Caden got out of bed and pulled the clothes and the bag out of Elias’ grip.
“Where would we even go?”
“I don’t know,” he rested his hands on his head to look out of the window, “New York? You know it there?”
Caden admired the muscles in Elias’ shoulders. They were pulling up the muscles in the small of his back, making his cheeks stand out.
“New York is expensive. We don’t have any money.”
“So?” Elias looked frantically around the room, “We’ll make some. We’ll figure it out.”
“Elias,” Caden grabbed his hands, “just calm down for a second. I told you last night, I have a plan.”
“Plans don’t work with her. She always has something up her sleeve.”
Elias reluctantly let Caden pull him back into bed. Crawling under the sheets, Caden wrapped his entire body around Elias who curled up into a ball. It was a perfect fit and within seconds, Elias was fast asleep. For Caden, it wasn’t going to be that easy. Watching the sun rise on a new day in Havenmoore, he let the plan roll around in his mind over and over.
As though Elias had predicted it, they were both awoken when the sun had fully risen with a knock on the door. Caden didn’t even remember falling asleep but now he felt more tired than he had at five in the morning. Checking the time again, it was now past ten and the room had warmed up slightly.
“I’ll get it,” Caden rolled out of bed, leaving Elias to fall back asleep as he dressed.
