Next thing I knew, Rachel’s arms were around me and she pulled me into a warm embrace. “So glad you’re back safe and sound, kiddo. We were all mighty worried about you,” she said sincerely, and I could hear emotion clogging her throat.
I hugged her back tightly. I had never had a maternal figure who had actually cared about me before, who would actually get upset or worried if I was in trouble or in danger. I liked the way it felt. Of course, along with the comfort came responsibility. An extra twinge of guilt twisted in my gut at the knowledge that I’d made people worry. I had never had anyone who’d cared enough about me that I was capable of causing them pain before, and now that I did, I was determined to do my damndest to avoid causing it.
Rachel let me go and patted me on the arm. “Now, hon, you really scared our Cat,” she admonished, wiping her eyes. “Don’t you do that again!”
I nodded solemnly. When I spoke, I did my best to fill my voice with all the sincerity I felt in my heart. I wanted her to know that I was serious. “I won’t, ma’am. I promise.”
She smiled kindly. “Just see that you don’t, then. Now, I’ve laid out a tray in Cat’s room with Don’s special Irish Hot Cocoa, some water, and some snacks. I’m sure that you’ll be up talking for a while yet, and I wanted you to be well fortified.”
Cat smiled and hugged Rachel, too, whispering, “You’re the best.”
As Cat led me up the stairs, I asked, “What’s Don’s special Irish Hot Cocoa?”
She chuckled. “You’ll like it. It’s good. Let’s just say it’s something that would be far more likely to be served in the bar where you work than in someplace like Starbucks.”
“Ah. Got it.”
As I followed Cat, relief filled my entire being. Yes, I knew that we needed to talk. I needed to explain my past. Apologize. And promise her that I would do everything in my power to get well so that I would never pull a David Blaine disappearing act like that again. But something had occurred to me the minute that Cat had flung herself into my arms and told me that she loved me. Nothing else mattered. No obstacles. No crazy mothers or exes. Not the past. Not the future. All that mattered was right now. The present.
We entered her room and snuggled up on the oversized chair that sat in the corner, gazing out over the crashing waves. We held each other and wouldn’t let go. It was like we couldn’t stop touching each other just to assure ourselves that the other one was real. Cat kept whispering that she so glad that I was safe and back in her arms. I was so relieved that she still loved me and that those arms of hers were even still open to me, I kept expressing my love to her.
Part of me was tempted to simply let things lie where they were and not stir the pot. After all, she seemed happy that I was back and it certainly didn’t seem that she was breaking up with me. All I wanted to do was strip her out of her clothes, lay her on the bed, and show her just how much I loved her, just how sorry I was, over and over again. All night long.
But, in my gut, I knew that Cat deserved better. I had to, at least, try to explain. Her mother had brought up the past and filled in the blanks with her own version of events. I wasn’t sure if Cat would think that my version was better or worse than what her mother had said, but at least mine was the truth.
“Cat, we need to talk,” I said as she snuggled closer to my neck. I felt her lips brush against my jawline and my cock jumped against my zipper. Gritting my teeth, I ignored my body’s response and forged ahead. “I want to say I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you all of the stuff you heard from your mother tonight. That shouldn’t have been the way you had to learn about those things. That was my fault. I should have told you earlier.”
Cat sat up a little, enough to look me in the eye when she nodded. “I appreciate you saying that. I really do. It shows your character—what kind of a man you are. But, Jace, you have nothing to apologize for. You need to really understand something. I mean, you, really, really need to listen and hear me when I say this. None of what happened in that dining room tonight was your fault. Yes, it was difficult to hear some of those things from my mother for the first time, but that was her fault for digging up stuff that was none of her business and putting it on blast when we were all at dinner. There’s no part of that conversation that was your fault.
“Your past, especially the painful parts—they belong to you. You share them with me when you feel ready to share them with me. That’s the courtesy you have always extended to me. That’s the care you have always taken of me, and I feel exactly the same way about you.
“I don’t want you to ever lie to me—the same way that I will never lie to you. That’s something different. But as far as either one of us having some, like, blanket mandate that we have to spill every horrible detail of every terrible thing that has ever happened to us or it means that we are ‘hiding’ it? Yeah, that’s just stupid. I mean…really fucking stupid.”
I looked at her in astonishment. Then, in a reaction that surprised even me, I started to laugh. When my laughter finally died down, I pulled back. An expression of confusion covered Cat’s beautiful face.
“Damn, you are adorable. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you cuss. I think I might be a bad influence on you.”
Her face broke out into one of the biggest smiles I’d ever seen and it made my heart ache and open all at once. Cat Nichols’ smile was the most breathtakingly beautiful thing in the entire world.
“You should have heard me tonight when you left. I was cursing up a storm,” she said with a hint of pride in her voice before adding a tad sheepishly, “in my head…anyways.”
So. Fucking. Cute.
I still couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I couldn’t believe that this girl, my brown-eyed girl, was for real. But she was. And she was mine.
Knowing I still had more to say and that, if I kept sitting here with my boner pressing against her hip and her breasts covered only by her thin, cotton thermal for much longer, I would not be able get the conversation back on the track I knew it needed to be on. So, taking a deep breath, I once again completely ignored every cell in my body that was telling me to slip my hands beneath Cat’s shirt and suck her tight nipples into my mouth, suck and lick them until she begged me to make love to her.
Clearing my throat, I tried to focus on what needed to be said. “Thank you for saying what you did. You have no idea how much of a relief that is. And I want you to know that I didn’t take off because of what your mom said or that I was scared to face my past. I just… I haven’t had a panic attack in a while. When they hit me, especially so hard and out of the blue like that one, I have a fight-or-flight reaction. This urgency that I can’t even explain comes over me and it honestly feels like it’s a life-or-death situation. That if I don’t get out of…wherever I am…I will die. That’s why I left. That makes it sound like it was beyond my control, but it’s not. I’m going to get some help, make sure that I get this under control. For good, so it won’t happen again. I promise I’ll do everything I can to never do that to you again.
“And look, there is one more thing that you should know, a skeleton in my closet that your mom wasn’t able to dig up. I want you to hear it from me. Before I decided to accept my medical discharge, there was an incident. I got in a fight, at a bar. It was with one of the guys in my unit, he was running his mouth about the mission that we’d been on where we lost two of our own in friendly fire. I couldn’t believe how casually he was discussing it, like it was a movie, not real life. I hit him once, then twice, and then before I knew it, I couldn’t stop hitting him. I blacked out. Thankfully Elijah was there and he pulled me off of him, the guy ended up in the hospital, he had two broken ribs, a broken nose and a dislocated jaw. There was never a formal investigation, it basically got swept under the rug.”
I inhaled deeply as I remembered just how out of control I’d been that night, “I snapped that night, and I don’t even want to think about what would have happened if Elijah hadn’t been there. I could have kil
led him, Cat. I wanted to kill him. But, I’m hoping that whoever I see to help me with my PTSD can also help me with whatever that darkness is inside of me, so I can be the man you deserve.”
Cat grimaced, her eyes filling with tears as she shook her head and she started speaking quickly. “I’m so sorry, Jace. I’m so sorry that you go through that. Of course I want you to get help, but not for me. For you. So you don’t have to feel those things. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’ve never felt that scared in my entire life. I think terrified is actually an understatement. All I kept thinking about was Natalya telling me about how you think about killing yourself sometimes when you’re especially depressed or going through a particularly hard time. I was just so unbelievably scared thinking about you out there, with no one to support you or talk you down, thinking about killing yourself… I just felt so helpless. I feel like throwing up just talking about it…”
My mouth was dry. I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t fucking believe that my ex-girlfriend-slash-ex-best-friend had actually told Cat the one secret I held the closest to my chest. The one truly personal thing that Natalya knew about me… and she had gone and advertised it.
“Natalya told you that?”
Cat froze, her eyes got wide, and all the color drained from her face. She audibly swallowed as she nodded slowly. “Ummm…yeah. The day I came to talk to you at the bar after Halloween. She cornered me in the parking lot and was trying to prove to me how much better she knew you than I did, how much closer she was to you than I was, and how much more pull and control she had over you than I did.”
I shook my head. “Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner? Why am I just hearing about this now?” I heard the frustration in my voice and I hated that I was speaking that way to Cat. She didn’t deserve that. But I couldn’t help it. I felt betrayed, first that Natalya had told her and second that Cat hadn’t told me.
Cat’s breathing became shallow, and I could tell even before the first word left her mouth that she was going to be rambling.
Licking her lips nervously she said, “Umm…I just… It didn’t seem like the kind of thing that you could just bring up out of the blue. ‘Hey, Jace, so your ex told me you think about killing yourself all the time.’ There’s not really a good time to fit that into a conversation. And also, I wasn’t sure you wanted me to know. If she had been telling me out of concern or worry for you, that would have been be one thing. But that wasn’t her intent. She wasn’t trying to help you. She was trying to hurt me. So I figured that I would just keep that information tucked away in the back of my mind and use it to help you if it ever seemed like you were going to a dark place. I figured, hey, the intent she had in giving me that information may not have been positive, but I could turn around and use it to do something positive—to make sure you’re okay. That’s all I really want to do, Jace. I want to take care of you, to make sure that you are safe and know how loved you are. I want you to be happy.”
All of the anger and betrayal I’d felt just moments ago dissipated at Cat’s words. Of course what she’d done had been for me. In my best interest. This was Cat. She was the most selfless, no-drama, loving person in the world.
“You’re so incredible, baby. Seriously, you might be the most selfless person I’ve ever met. All night tonight, all I have been thinking about is how the only thing I want to do is to be the man you deserve, to be the guy you can depend on to take good care of you. That’s what I was afraid of—that when you looked at me, you wouldn’t see someone you could trust to take care of you anymore. And all the time, all you were thinking about is taking care of me. Damn. You are too good to be true.” Leaning forward, I rested my forehead against hers. Her warm, hot chocolate breath warmed my cheeks as I rasped, “I love you. I love you so much.”
Her eyes darkened, became more serious, and she shifted against me so that her hip pressed into my hard-as-steel cock. Biting her bottom lip, she let out a needy little sigh before she said, “I love you, Jace Butler.”
Then she pressed her lips to mine—softly, gently. I brushed her hair back from her forehead and caressed her cheek as I returned the kiss just as gently, like she was a china doll that would be easy to break if I were too rough or too intense.
Things felt different between us. Deeper somehow. Cat and I always had a sweet connection, but this felt like a completely new level of trust and love that I had never felt before—not with Cat, not with anyone. I knew that it was human nature to appreciate, even love, something or someone more, after you had almost lost it, but this was beyond what I would have thought I could feel.
When I looked at Cat, I felt full, satisfied, and complete. Being loved by Cat made me feel like I could really be the man I had always hoped I could be. It made me feel like I really was a hero—her hero.
I drew back and gazed deep into her eyes. I maintained that eye contact as I slowly moved my hands down her body, keeping my touch gentle. After my hands had slid all the way down her chest, her belly and over the outside of her legs, I slipped one arm underneath her knees and the other behind her back and carried her to the bed. I never broke eye contact the entire time I was touching her or carrying her.
I think I was worried that, if I broke the unspoken line of communication that was going on between us by looking into each other’s eyes, it would shatter the magic spell that was around us. The air crackled with electricity. I could feel it all over my skin, all the way down to my soul. It was a different feeling of arousal and intensity from what I had experienced with Cat in the past, and I did not want to take the chance of jinxing it.
When we arrived at the edge of the bed, I laid her down on top of the covers as gently as I could manage. She reached out her hands to start undressing me, but I caught her wrists before her fingers could reach my clothing and moved her hands back down by her sides. Again, I didn’t say anything, not wanting to do anything to damage the atmosphere that was building between us. Still, the message was received loud and clear—this was something I was going to do for her and her only responsibility was to relax and enjoy all of the pleasure I was about to give her.
This was going to be all about her.
Slowly, taking my time, stopping after each piece of clothing I removed to caress the bare skin I had just uncovered, I undressed Cat until she was wearing nothing at all. Even though this was not the first time I had seen her naked, I did feel like every time with Cat was the first time, in a way. It was kind of like a really great movie that you watch over and over, every single time, noticing something fresh and new that you had never seen before. Every single time I saw Cat’s beautiful body again, it was just like that—not only did it have the same erotic effect it’d had on me the first time I’d seen her, but I still noticed new and beautiful details each time that I had never seen in the past. Her body was just as complex and interesting as she was. Every curve held mysteries, every soft fold of flesh held wonders I would never get tired of sampling.
After I undressed Cat, I took my own clothes off. My instinct was to rush the process, strip off every piece of clothing in a frenzy of lust, and toss them aside with all the strength of the pent-up energy coiled inside my muscles. I didn’t do that though. I fought that impulse even though it took an incredible effort. I did not want to rush this, I wanted to enjoy every moment of this magical trance.
When I was just as naked as Cat was, I opened up the drawer in her nightstand table and removed one of the condom packages I had tossed in there the first night we got here. Cat’s gaze never left mine as I took my heavy, pulsing cock in my hand and rolled the condom onto my hard shaft. She absently licked her lips and I felt myself smile. I loved how much Cat wanted me.
Slowly, she spread her legs, revealing her perfect pussy, which was glistening with arousal. I realized that she thought I was ready to push myself inside her at that moment, but that was definitely not the case. There were a lot of things I wanted to do to that beautiful body before we got to that point—I just didn’t want to ha
ve to break the rhythm to put on a condom then. I might not have been a Boy Scout, but I was a Marine—always prepared.
After brushing her hair off her shoulders, revealing her full, bare breasts, I wrapped my fingers around her upper arms and gently pressed her back until she was lying flat on the bed. Then, as I hovered above her, I began to softly run my fingertips over every inch of her soft, caramel skin. I loved the way she got goose bumps wherever my fingertips touched her, as if her skin were water and my fingers were leaving a wake behind them. I ran my fingers over her taut belly, which shivered beneath my touch… over her perky breasts, which heaved, begging for attention… over her elegant neck and shoulders as she tilted her head to give me total access… over her graceful arms… over her long legs… and up her smooth thighs and over her damp mound.
By the time I finally got there, every muscle in her body was trembling. She was gasping for breath, and she had flung her arms above her head and grasped her headboard for dear life.
I ran my fingers over her silky wetness, spreading her juices along her soft lips, loving the way it felt—so hot, so slick, so sweet. I chanced speaking, just because I couldn’t help but say, “God, Cat, I love it when I touch you and you’re already wet. It turns me on so fucking much.”
“I’m always wet around you,” she gasped. “It would be impossible for you to touch me and me not to be wet, because every time you and I are in the same room, I’m wet.”
I knew she wasn’t intentionally trying to talk dirty to me, but that made it even hotter. She was just telling the truth. And it drove me crazy with desperation.
I just couldn’t wait for one more second.
I climbed up on the bed and spread her legs farther apart with my knees.
“Jace,” she breathed eagerly, “I need to feel you inside me. Now.”
I was more than happy to oblige. Positioning myself at her entrance, I lowered myself down so that we were face to face, her breath fanning my cheek as she let out a needy sigh—moving my hips in one swift movement, I thrust inside her. Hard.
One Day His (The Someday Series Book 2) Page 17
