by Jenn Burke
Felix never wanted to move. Ever. He wanted to stay right here, in the secure circle of Zed’s arms. It had been so long since they’d lain like this. Not that they’d ever formed the habit of cuddling half naked, semen cooling between them. But they’d shared a room for two years, and even after, they’d often spent the night together, squashed side by side in the same bed, Zed making music and Felix reading comics. Conversation had been optional, because so often they hadn’t needed words. Just being together had been enough.
Tears pricked Felix’s eyes. He tucked an arm around the back of Zed’s neck and pulled him close. “Going to miss you,” he said to Zed’s neck.
“Going to miss you too.” Words felt more than heard as they rumbled through Zed’s chest. Zed’s arms tightened around him. “But I know you’re going to do great. Gonna make us all proud. The fleet needs engineers like you.”
“And heroes like you.”
“Flick— ”
“Don’t say anything else.” Felix pushed upward, against the circle of Zed’s arms, and pressed a hard kiss to his mouth. “Let’s just keep this, okay? Let this be…” What? He so desperately wanted to tell Zed he loved him again. Speak it against his lips with the taste of sex. “Let this be our night. Like you said.” Zed had said one night, but whatever. “Can we… can we not talk about what’s next for a while? Can we just remember what was?” Damn, his throat was closing. “I don’t want to forget all the fun things we’ve done over the last six years.”
“Last ten,” Zed murmured.
“Right, like the time I talked you into stealing those strawberries from the Upper Market on Pontus.”
Zed’s sudden laugh quickly softened into a chuckle and his cheeks bunched up just like they always did when he found something very amusing. He moved a hand up to muss Felix’s curls. “You are such a bad influence on me.”
“Pfft.” Felix leaned away and stood so he could pull his pants up properly. Idly, he picked at the drying mess on his stomach. Ugh. “We should probably clean up and get dressed before Marnie decides to rescue us.”
No matter how they wanted to keep reality at bay, the fact was, they couldn’t. It intruded, an unwelcome interloper slipping between them as they sat, sides pressed together and arms over each other’s shoulders, watching the stars. Zed didn’t mention what awaited them in the morning. No more talk of training or what the future held. Instead, he delved into memories, every single good memory he could think of, and tried to pretend that the pain in his chest wasn’t his heart breaking.
Maybe he did love Flick like that— God, he didn’t know, not for sure. He needed to think, to study the emotions from all angles. He didn’t say anything, didn’t let on about the turmoil roiling around in his chest. It wouldn’t make things any easier and Flick already knew how much Zed cared for him. That counted more than three little words that may or may not be true.
Three little words that would hobble Flick.
They had fallen silent by the time the sky lightened with false dawn. Flick leaned on Zed, his breathing even, and Zed had fallen into a sort of not-quite doze. Rattling at the roof door made him jerk fully awake.
Flick snorted and sat up, blinking blearily. “Wha?”
The door opened. Zed wasn’t surprised to see Marnie, Emma and Ryan spill through— really, the only surprising thing was that it had taken this long for their friends to find them.
Or— by the way Marnie was smiling at him and Flick— maybe not so surprising after all.
“Prop the door!” Flick shouted.
“I got it, I got it,” Ryan said, fitting the brick back into the doorway to keep it ajar. “You guys have a nice night?”
Zed glanced at Flick and hoped the darkness and his olive skin tone helped to mask his blush. He cleared his throat. “We had a great view of the fireworks.”
“There were fireworks?” Emma flopped down beside Flick.
“With our names and everything,” Flick told her.
Marnie and Ryan settled on the other side of Zed. “That would have been cool to see,” Marnie said, glancing at Ryan. “Really romantic.”
“Uh huh.” From Flick’s tone— and the glare he shot in Marnie’s direction— he clearly thought she still had something to do with stranding them up here. Which was ridiculous, because how could she have known Flick would come up here, or that Zed would come after him and be too stupid to make sure the door could be opened from this side before letting it close? “Figured you guys would all be fast asleep by now.”
Ryan snorted. “Hell no. We’ve been— ow.” Rubbing the ribs that Marnie had elbowed, he continued. “Looking for you.”
“There were so many places you could have disappeared to.” Marnie’s brown, almond-shaped eyes were all innocence.
“Marn, I really hope Mil-Int teaches you to have a better poker face,” Zed said. She caught his gaze, hers questioning, and he gave a little shake of his head.
He didn’t know what he meant by the gesture, but Marnie seemed to understand. She was good like that, seeing beneath façades and words to get to the truth. And the truth was… he just didn’t fucking know where they went from here.
No, that was kind of a lie. From here, they went to specialist training. After specialist training, they would do their first postings. And then…
And then, who knew. He couldn’t see that far into the future, couldn’t even imagine it. Trying to out-think it, out-plan it, wasn’t going to happen. They would all just have to live it.
He squeezed Flick against his side and brushed his lips over Flick’s temple. “You’re not going to lose me,” he whispered. It was a promise— not the one he wanted to give Flick, but the only one he could.
Flick shivered, whether from the breeze or Zed’s words, he didn’t know. “Ditto,” he murmured.
It would have to be enough.
+++
The CHAOS STATION series:
Chaos Station
Lonely Shore
Skip Trace
Inversion Point (2016)
Phase Shift (2016)
Visit our website for chapter excerpts.
http://chaosstation.com
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GRADUATION
Copyright © 2015 by Jennifer R.L. Burke and Kelly Jensen
