by Ava Miles
Grace put her hand to her mouth as pain flashed in her heart. Oh, Mom. They hadn’t talked about it, but did her mom still hope she and Jordan could reconcile? Of course, she did, Grace realized.
“But mostly, Ella,” her mom continued, “I hope you can teach them how to laugh with each other again. They used to laugh so much when they were together, and somewhere in this whole hullabaloo, they forgot how.”
When her mom resumed humming, Grace padded to her bathroom, thinking over what she’d said. She and Jordan had stopped laughing. When he’d put her on the back burner to focus on his dream job as the starting quarterback for Atlanta, they’d stopped laughing. And as more people had started watching them and photographing them, Grace had forgotten how to laugh altogether.
She’d felt like every moment of their shared life was being dissected. But it had gotten worse. While she’d always been complimented for being pretty in a tomboy way, the media had declared her “Too Dull for Dean.” She wasn’t thin enough. She didn’t dress well enough.
Pretty much, they’d said she wasn’t good enough.
And the fear that Jordan would one day agree with them had drilled down to her very bones.
As she undressed, she looked in the mirror. She still had a little baby tummy, and her breasts really were huge, but it was her body—the body that had brought Ella into this world—and there was beauty in that.
She’d allowed other people to start telling her who she was toward the end of her relationship with Jordan. That was going to have to stop. She needed to be more empowered for her daughter. As she stepped under the spray, she made a pledge to be herself—and not care what anyone else had to say about it.
Easier said than done, perhaps, but it was a start.
A couple hours later, her mom was ready to go. When Grace caught sight of Jordan jogging over, she felt like she’d grown a new skin. It might still be thin, but it was there.
“Not too late to change your mind, Meg!” Jordan called out as he approached. “How are we going to putter along without you?”
“Get a golf cart,” her mom quipped, rocking Ella. “I’m only a phone call or a text away. For both of you.”
He put his arms around her, careful not to squash their daughter. “Thanks for everything, Meg. You’re the best. First, last, and always.”
“You’re welcome, kiddo,” she said, kissing his cheek. “You give it to San Francisco this weekend, okay?”
“Already done,” he replied with his Jordan flare. “Let me have Ella so you can say goodbye to Grace.”
“I need to give this little one a special kiss,” she said, repositioning the baby so she could look at her. “One that’s gonna last your grandma.”
Ella squinted in the sunlight, and it made Grace smile when Jordan immediately raised his hand to shield her from the bright light.
“You’ve got good daddy instincts,” her mom told him. “And you, precious little girl. You’re going to be so much bigger when I see you next. I’m going to miss you like you wouldn’t believe, but I know you’re in great hands. I love you, pumpkin.”
She gave her a kiss and then snuggled their cheeks together, closing her eyes. Grace thought her mom might cry, but then she smiled and handed the baby to Jordan.
“All right,” her mom said, turning to Grace. “Now you.”
She closed the distance and wrapped her arms around her mom. “I’m going to miss you too. So much.” She felt tears leak out from her eyelids.
“Yeah,” her mom whispered, rocking her. “Me too.”
“Tell Dad and the boys I love them,” she told her mom as she hugged her tight one last time.
Her mom gave an audible sniff and nodded. “Count on it. Pretty soon, it will be the holidays, and we’ll see each other again.”
She and Jordan hadn’t discussed that yet, and she saw him glance over sharply. “Can’t wait.”
Her mom gave Ella another peck before heading to the car. “I’ll text you when I land. Love you!”
“Love you too,” Grace replied.
After the car pulled away, Jordan came over and gave her a gentle nudge.
“Are you going to be okay?” he asked, bouncing Ella gently. “You know you can go and see them anytime you want. I’ll make it happen.”
Already he was anticipating her needs. He’d always encouraged her to visit home more often when they were together, but she’d rarely taken him up on the offer. Work kept her busy too. Honestly, she could buy her own ticket, and he knew it. He’d wanted to do it for her because it made her happy.
“Thanks,” she said as a few more tears streaked down her face. “I must still be a little hormonal and overtired.” Man, she hoped that crap would be over soon.
Jordan transferred Ella to the crook of his arm and wrapped his other arm around her. “If that’s why I’ve been so emotional lately, I must be hormonal too.”
She elbowed him in the side, and he gave a reluctant laugh. “Funny.”
“No, I’m serious,” he said. “I take one look at Ella sometimes, and I get all choked up. She’s…amazing. I knew I’d love her, but…”
She looked up and found herself falling into his arctic blue eyes. “What?”
He lifted his shoulder. “I never imagined loving anyone like I love her. She’s everything. You know?”
It took Grace a moment to swallow. “Yes, I know.”
“I mean…you were everything too,” he said, his eyes meeting hers for a split second before darting away.
Once. Before all your football dreams came true.
“You don’t have to be embarrassed,” she said, feeling that all-too-common tension return. “I understand.”
“Do you?” he asked, his grip on her tightening.
Suddenly Grace was all too aware of the male strength he exuded. Its power to liquefy her insides with desire hadn’t abated—if anything, it was stronger than ever. It had been a long time since he’d touched her like this. It didn’t matter that he was only trying to bestow comfort.
“It’s less complicated with her,” he continued, his gaze flicking back to her.
The heat in his eyes told Grace she wasn’t the only one remembering what it had been like between them.
All too quickly, his eyes fastened on their daughter. “Ella is just…this precious little person I’ve been given to cherish. I can’t imagine what I’ve done to deserve her, but I’m grateful for her. Man, my teammates were right. When you become a daddy, you blabber like a moron over your kid.”
Jordan had always been emotional. It was what drew people to him, Grace included—and it had made him a great football player. When it came right down to it, there had always been a sweetness in him.
“I’m glad you’ve fallen so hard for her,” Grace said softly. “I have too.”
“Did you think I wouldn’t?” he asked, his brows slamming together.
She eased out of his grip because…well, if she didn’t, it might mean something. “No one could have told me how much love I’d have for her. I don’t think we had a clue.”
He held up one hand. “Clueless. Yeah, that’s me. But I’m starting to feel more confident about doing daddy things. Your mom was a great teacher.”
She stilled for a moment, surprised by his choice of words.
“What?” he asked, always tuned in.
“It’s a little strange, hearing you talk about being confident. You’re so confident I never think you worry you can’t do something. Even those six years you rode the bench in New York, you still thought you could be a marquee quarterback. You were right.”
His eyes darkened. “I put on a good show. Maybe that was part of the problem between us. I never told you when I wasn’t feeling up to the task. Some days back in New York, I had to force myself to get out of bed and go to practice. And when we moved here, I…worried all the time about making you happy…once things took off for me.”
His admission hit her full force in the chest. “Why didn’t you say anything
?”
He shrugged. “Because I’m a guy. I try to fix things. When I could be a free agent, I left New York for Atlanta. Heck, that’s why I tried to give you things. That’s why I built your dream house as a surprise. I hoped you would be satisfied being here with me since I wasn’t going back to Deadwood. And I was right to be worried. In the end, I couldn’t make you happy—despite everything.”
“Oh, Jordan,” she said, feeling tears spring into her eyes.
Ella started to cry softly. “Look, she’s already got a knack for timing,” Jordan said, bouncing more now.
Grace wished she could find a way to soothe the tension emanating between them. Her chest was tight, and his ears were red with emotion.
“She’s hungry,” she said softly.
He kissed their daughter’s forehead and then handed her over. “That’s your department. I can burp her when you’re done. I’d actually really like to—if that’s okay. I was hoping I could spend the rest of the day with her. Even when she’s asleep. That’s weird, right?”
“Not a bit,” she said, watching as he took a few more steps back to give them both space. “I love to watch her too.”
Ella’s cries were increasing, so Grace bounced her a little, but she knew that wouldn’t appease her.
“Okay, I’m off,” Jordan said, turning around and walking backwards toward his house. “Text me.”
He turned around and took off toward the yellow gate between their houses. “Jordan!” she called out.
As smooth as a cat, he spun around.
“Thanks for telling me that. What you said earlier.”
He nodded and then he was jogging off. When he reached the gate, he gave them one last look. His shoulders seemed to sag, like he had lost his mojo.
This time she found herself transferring Ella so she could wave.
Even in the distance, she could see him smile.
Chapter 15
While their family wasn’t exactly conventional, Jordan didn’t think they were doing too badly. He measured his weeks by two dates: Ella’s checkups—which he’d asked Grace to schedule for Tuesdays so he could attend—and game day.
So far his team was winning decisively, but it was only early October. They’d be facing tougher opponents later in the season. Grace seemed happy to be back at work, even though she said she missed Ella like crazy—something they had in common. She’d decided to work the lunch shift to ease into the transition, especially since Ella was still nursing, but she covered the dinner rush on Tuesdays, the nights he could come home early to be with Ella.
They were balancing schedules, and so far, it was working.
The baby monitor lay next to his bed every night. He listened to it like Grace’s grandfather used to listen to the police scanner.
Then, a few days before Jordan’s weekend game in Buffalo, Ella went from being a good sleeper to an insomniac overnight. For two solid nights, Ella woke up almost every thirty minutes. She’d cried before, but these weren’t cries. They were wails. And they broke his heart as he listened to them in the confines of his house. How could something so little, so beautiful, cry like that?
But Grace didn’t call him, so he stayed put, unable to sleep but powerless to do anything. Grace was the one who brought it up the next morning—she’d talked to her mom about it, and Meg was certain Ella was just going through a spell. There was nothing physically wrong.
On the third night, Ella kept to her new crying schedule. Jordan came awake, as if in a fog, and glanced at the alarm clock. 3:33 a.m. Deciding it was time for the reinforcements to arrive, he reached for his phone and called Grace.
She picked up on the fourth ring. “What?” she asked, Ella’s cries piercing in the background.
“I’m coming over,” he said simply.
He pulled on a T-shirt and boxers. Stuffed his feet into some tennis shoes and headed out of the house. He let himself into Grace’s house with his key and turned off the alarm. Ella’s cries hadn’t abated, so he took the steps two at a time. He found Grace in the rocker with their daughter. Lamplight from the princess nightlight they’d bought her colored mother and daughter like pink champagne.
Grace had a blanket over Ella, covering everything except for her little feet. Clearly his daughter wasn’t interested in nursing if she was making that racket, but he gave Grace points for trying.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, frowning at him. “Go back to bed. I have enough on my hands right now.”
Jordan stood over the rocker. “You’ve been up like crazy the last couple of nights. Let me help. She’s my kid too, and I take that responsibility seriously. So, from now on, we take shifts. Maybe then we can both get some sleep.”
Grace shifted Ella closer when she started to cry again. “If Ella’s keeping you awake, why didn’t you shut the monitor off?”
He leaned over her, seeing the bags under her eyes in the soft light. “Like I said, she’s my kid too. I’m not turning her off at night.”
“But that’s silly. You can’t help.”
He gestured to her chest. “I might not be able to nurse her, but I can damn well help out. And don’t tell me not to cuss. I know! But Ella’s not herself, crying like this. She doesn’t seem hungry.”
“No, she doesn’t,” Grace said with a heavy sigh. “I’ve tested her belly for gas and checked for a fever. Nothing.”
“Then maybe you take her to Dr. Madison tomorrow just to make sure,” he said, seeing she was close to tears. “Despite what your mom said. I love Meg, but she’s not here.”
A piercing cry erupted from under the blanket, and then a little hand thrust out angrily across Grace’s lap. She eased Ella out of the blanket with one hand while reaching for her nightgown with the other.
Jordan nearly ground his teeth. “For heaven’s sake, let me have her if you’re going to be so damn modest. It’s not like I haven’t seen your boobs. And I’m sorry I swore again, but I’m upset.”
He reached for Ella, and his hands brushed Grace’s stomach and chest. His skin burned from the contact, but Grace actually recoiled. He fought another curse word.
Jordan cradled the crying baby to his chest and started bouncing in the soothing motion she liked. Her cries pierced his ears. She didn’t settle down.
When Grace had her nightgown buttoned up, she stood. Her short hair looked wild and matted at the same time. “You’re being stupid,” she snapped. “I’ll just have to nurse her later.”
“I understand that, but I’m going to pull my weight. Especially when she’s like this.” He patted her tiny back in a consistent rhythm and brought up a solid belch. “Good one, honey.”
The cries reduced to fussing.
“It’s not gas,” Grace said again, and Jordan decided it would be best not to reply.
She made no move to leave.
“Go to bed.” Jordan inclined his chin toward the door, but she kept hovering like a worried mama. “Look, we’ll work this out. We just need to be creative. I’ll come over when I hear you get up to nurse her. Or you can text me when you’re finished if it’s that big of a deal to you. I still don’t understand why in the hell you have to be so private about it. Women have been nursing babies for centuries.”
She put her hands on her hips. “Well, that’s too bad. I think it’s private, so it’ll stay private. And stop cussing!”
Sometimes she made him so mad. “Fine, you do what you have to, but I’m still going to help.”
She blew out an aggravated breath. “You can sleep in one of the guest rooms. It’s stupid for you to shuttle back and forth every time I nurse her.” Grace put a hand to her side and stretched her back, yawing. “Plus I’m too tired to text you.”
Jordan tried not to watch the way the nightgown tightened over her petite shape, which was quickly returning to its normal curvature, with one exception—her glorious new breasts. The shadow of her cleavage was visible, and he started to sweat.
Oblivious to his sensual regard, she crossed t
he room and ran a hand over Ella’s soft head. “Since you’re going to be stubborn, I’m going to bed. She’s all yours. There’s breast milk in the freezer if you want to give feeding her a try.”
A smile started to creep across his face at the thought, but then another struck him. “Hey wait, how am I going to know when she’s hungry?”
“Trust me, you’ll know. She’ll start rooting around, looking for her next meal.”
Since Jordan had already experienced that first hand, he calmed. Ella’s fussing and grunting continued after Grace left. He tried everything. He sat in the rocker. They laid on the daybed. He danced with her on the soft carpet and sang lullabies from his childhood, mixing up many of the words.
When she finally fell asleep against his chest what seemed like hours later, he was afraid to lay her down in the crib. He eased into the rocker and closed his eyes. When she started to cry again, he wanted to weep. If some baby whisperer had offered to lull Ella to sleep in exchange for the secret game plan for this weekend’s contest against Buffalo, he would have coughed it up. How did people get through this?
Ella continued to cry on and off. As morning light appeared under the window blinds, she went to sleep again. After thirty minutes, she was heavy in his arms, and he thought it was safe to put her in her crib. He transferred her with the care of a man holding a stick of dynamite and then gently covered her up. When she stretched her fist over his head, he silently chanted, oh please stay asleep, baby.
She settled, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He barely made it to the daybed. The guest room was too far. His feet hung off the end, but he didn’t care. It was a flat surface. He needed to catch some Zs before he headed to practice.
