by Ava Miles
He pounded his chest. “I understand the feeling. All I wanted to do was comfort you both, and you shut me out.”
Pain shot through her, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “You didn’t tell me about the tabloid bounty—”
“I told you why,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Are you going to blame me for this too?”
She knew it wasn’t fair, but she wasn’t feeling magnanimous right now. “You didn’t even come home last night,” she whispered. “What does that say?”
“I couldn’t come home because I had curfew,” Jordan said in a hard tone. “Coach said he couldn’t make an exception for me even though I wanted one. Dammit, Grace. You’re punishing me for something completely out of my control.”
“Did you watch any of the videos on the web?” she shot back, deciding not to correct his language this time. “I’m sure someone videoed us being surrounded by your fans. Ella screamed, Jordan. Screamed! Her little fingernails dug into my shirt.” She tore back the neckline to show him the red marks on her skin. “Some wonderful older man had to come to our rescue and get us out of there. How can you ask our daughter to go through that again?”
“Why did you even go to the store? Especially when it’s crowded like that? Why didn’t you take a guard with you? I made a mistake by not saying anything, but you up and ignored the protocols I set in place to protect our family. Dammit, Grace. You’re tying my hands behind my back!”
“Stop swearing!” An angry burn shot through her stomach. “Yes, it’s partially my fault, and I take full responsibility. I told my mother it wasn’t a good time, but she said it was just the grocery store. I didn’t push back. She couldn’t believe I hadn’t taken Ella anywhere except the restaurant. She made me feel like a bad mother, Jordan.”
His eyes narrowed. “Your mom would never do that. She knows you’re a great mother.”
“But she didn’t understand what your fame is like.” Grace stared him down. “She does now.”
“So, what? Are we supposed to keep our daughter in some ivory tower for the rest of her life, away from people and places, all because of one bad moment? I had all night to think about this, and while I want to destroy every one of those people who made her scream, keeping her hidden isn’t the answer. That’s no kind of life for anyone. We have to figure out a different way.”
Oh, God, she was going to have to tell him now. She’d hoped to wait. She crossed her arms to protect herself from his reaction. “I know it’s not the way. I think I should take her away from Atlanta and raise her in a different city—one that doesn’t care so much about their quarterback.”
“No way!” he yelled immediately. “You are not taking my daughter away from me.”
“I’m not taking her away,” she said, trembling to her toes. “You can see her anytime you want. I swear. But this way, she can grow up and have a more normal life. No one is going to be gunning for a picture of her to win a thousand bucks.”
“No!” he said in a hard tone. “I won’t allow it.”
“Please, listen,” she said, reaching out a hand.
“No.” He shook his head. “Not this. If you move, I won’t see her except in the off season. Dammit, Grace. Don’t take away my baby girl. I love her more than anything. Taking her away isn’t the answer. She needs her dad. I know. I…grew up without one. It fucking sucks. Don’t do that to her.”
Tears slid down his face, and she took some deep breaths to quell her own rising urge to cry. His swearing was only making her tremble more, but she knew it was a sign of how upset he was that he couldn’t control himself right now. “I know you love her, and I do too. I know how much it hurt you when your dad left, but you’ll still be in Ella’s life. It’s not the same as it was for you. Jordan, you need to do what’s best for her.”
He planted his feet. “Being in Ella’s life every day is the best thing for her, Grace. I know you’re a great mom, but I’m a pretty awesome dad. She needs both of us. I don’t want Ella to ever think you left because I didn’t want her.”
She took the punch to her solar plexus. “I would never let her think that, Jordan.”
“You don’t know what kind of things a kid thinks,” he growled. “How you blame yourself for your dad not being around. How you think you must have done something to make him leave. I won’t have her thinking those things, Grace. Jesus! How did we get to this place? You talking about taking our daughter away? What about us? How can you even talk like this when you say you love me? When you know how much I love you?”
“It’s not enough!” she cried. “Do you think this decision is easy for me? I love you too, but I have to protect our daughter—because you can’t.”
He swiped angrily at the tear that leaked out of his eyes. “We’re back to this, are we? I can’t protect her—or you—because I’m the cause. That’s bullshit, Grace. Other players in the NFL find a way to make this work. Why won’t you work with me? It’s our life, Grace. It’s us and Ella. Our family. I was hoping we were finally getting to a place where you’d believe I want to marry you. Not because of Ella. Are you really going to let your fears ruin that?”
So he had planned to ask her. Pain exploded in her heart, but it couldn’t matter. She couldn’t let it. “You weren’t there yesterday,” she said again. “You’re not hearing anything I say. This is not my fault.”
“No, and it’s not mine either.” He held up a hand. “I’m not saying yesterday wasn’t awful, but why can’t we use it as a lesson and agree it won’t happen again? I promise not to keep things like tabloid bounties from you.”
“And you accuse me of wanting to put her in an ivory tower?” she said, locking her arms tighter across her chest. “You can’t have it both ways.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose before lowering his hand. “Do you love me?” he asked, locking gazes with her.
The hurt slashed through her, and she squeezed her eyes shut again. “You know I do.”
His hands curled around her arms. “Open your eyes and look at me. Do you believe I love you and Ella more than anything? That I would do anything for you? That I want us to be a real family and live in this house?”
Her throat closed, and she made herself shrug. “I know you love us, but this is bigger than that.”
He stared into her eyes, as if struggling for words. “I’ll leave the NFL and move back to Deadwood with you like you always wanted…if that’s what it’ll take to keep us together.”
Her mouth parted, and she took a step away from him. “Jordan.”
“If this is the only way to keep us together, then I’ll do it.” He sniffed and wiped his nose. “I would only ask to finish out the playoffs. I…God, I don’t want to let my team down.”
Her mind was reeling. “I’m not asking you to give up the NFL.”
“No, you’re not,” he said harshly. “But you’re not giving me any choices I can live with. I can’t live with you moving away with Ella. What you decide about us is your choice. I…would want us to be together.”
She took a ragged inhale. “It would kill you not to play.” He’d wither in Deadwood, building houses with her dad. She could see that now.
“It would kill me more not to be a father to my daughter,” he said. “I could lose you and survive—I did once—but I can’t lose Ella. Can I go see her now? I…Grace, I really need to see her.”
Her control was shattering. “Of course you can. I know you don’t believe me right now, but I would never keep you from her.”
The look he gave her before he walked off cut her to the core. He didn’t believe her, and after what she’d said to him, she couldn’t blame him.
* * *
When Jordan let himself inside Grace’s house—the house he’d built for her and started to think of as theirs—he rapped on the door and called, “I’m coming in.”
Meg was holding Ella, bouncing on her feet in a soothing rhythm. “Hello, Jordan,” she said gravely, looking as exhausted as Grace.
His daughter
immediately let out a wail and reached for him.
“Hi, Meg. Can I hold her?” he asked, feeling tears burn his eyes again.
“Of course,” she said, crossing to him.
Ella turned her head to look at him, and from the way she didn’t raise her head or smile at him, he could tell she was exhausted too. His heart broke as she gave another weak cry.
When he put her to his chest, he could feel the ache spread. Ella curled her little body into him, and he closed his eyes, rocking her slowly. Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.
“How bad was it yesterday?” he asked Meg.
Meg had always given it to him straight, and after hearing Grace talk about moving away with Ella…
“Pretty bad, honey,” she said, patting him heavily on the back. “I’ll be in my room if you need me.”
“I’ll head up to the nursery with her,” he said, desperate to have some privacy. He was going to break down now that his little girl was in his arms, and he didn’t want an audience. “I’m sorry, Meg.”
She leaned her head against his shoulder and ran a hand down Ella’s soft head. “It’s not your fault, honey. It’s just…in all my days, I haven’t experienced anything like it. I don’t know what to say. But I’m sorry for you guys. This situation… Go be with your daughter.”
She patted him on the back, and he started toward the stairs. Before he could climb them, Meg added, “You’re a good father, Jordan. Never forget that.”
As he walked to the nursery, holding Ella close, he tried to find some peace in Meg’s words despite the turmoil swirling inside him. Maybe he should have told Grace about the bounty, but there was no use falling into self-recriminations. He could only do the right thing now, and if being a good father to Ella meant leaving the NFL, he’d do it. However he looked at it, his heart was going to break.
But being Ella’s daddy was the most important thing in his life.
He shut the door to the nursery—even though they usually left it open—and sank into the rocker with her. Her little body was warm and heavy, but listless. The pain in his heart spread until he felt tears leak out of his eyes.
“Daddy’s so sorry he wasn’t there for you and Mommy yesterday,” he said hoarsely. “I’m so sorry you got scared. I wish…” His voice broke.
She shifted in his arms and raised her head, gazing at him with those blue eyes he’d given her in the miracle of life. Drool ran down her chin, and her eyes were crusty from crying.
He kissed her cheek and cupped the back of her small head, marveling at how fragile she was. Grace was right. He had put them in danger. What if the fans had gotten more aggressive and hurt Ella? She was too little to protect herself.
“I love you,” he told her, smiling at her through tears. “Do you know how much? You’ve changed my whole life. There isn’t anything Daddy wouldn’t do for you. Okay? I know you might be too little to understand, but I promise you that I’m always here for you. That you’re the most important person in my life. Everything else pales in comparison.”
She raised her little hand and patted his cheek, and he pulled her close again, pressing her little face next to his.
“I’m not letting anyone keep us apart,” he said hoarsely. “I’m never going to leave you. You’re my girl now, and I’m your dad.”
He couldn’t hold back his tears, so he cried softly while she cuddled against him, vowing he would do whatever it took to stay in her life. Even if it meant giving up the game he’d once loved more than anything.
While he held her, he came to terms with his decision. When Ella finally fell asleep against his chest, he continued to rock her, unable to bear the thought of setting her down in her crib.
The door slowly opened sometime later, and Grace poked her head in.
He whispered, “She’s asleep.”
She walked hesitantly forward and laid her hand on Ella’s head. “I thought she might want to nurse, but maybe we should let her sleep.”
He rose with his daughter in his arms, feeling the awkwardness hovering between him and Grace. “I’ll get out of your way. If she has another tough night, just text me. I want to help—if that doesn’t bother you.”
His mind flashed back to the early months after Ella was born, how he’d had to push to help with the night shift. It seemed as if they’d come back full circle.
“Let’s hope she sleeps,” Grace whispered, and in the soft light, he could see the grooves in her face from exhaustion and stress.
Ella wasn’t the only one he was hurting.
“I really am sorry,” he whispered, his chest aching. “When I saw her, it all hit me. You’re right. She didn’t smile at me. She just…lay against me all curled up. It broke my heart, Grace.”
She nodded, her face bunching up with grief. “I know.”
“I’m sorry I got mad earlier and swore at you,” he said, filled with regret. “You caught me off guard, talking about moving. Grace, you need to know. Regardless of what you decide about us, I’m going to leave the NFL. I won’t let anything happen to you and Ella. We can talk whenever you want.”
He handed Ella over to Grace and stooped to kiss her round cheek.
“I love you, little one,” he whispered. “Sweet dreams.”
There were tears shining in Grace’s eyes when he straightened. He nodded and let himself out quietly.
Meg wasn’t downstairs, and Jordan noted the time on the clock in the family room. It was well after ten o’clock. He needed to be at the stadium in the morning to recap how they’d played today. He also needed to talk to Chaz and the other members of the front office about setting up a press conference.
Apparently NFL commentators had even mentioned the incident with his family during the broadcast of today’s game, speculating that it had driven him to deliver a punishing defeat to Dallas and get into a fight with one of the defensive linemen who’d tackled him after a play. What no one knew was the asshole had called him out for not being able to defend his family. Jordan had lunged at him, but he’d been pulled back by two of his own players. Otherwise, he would have decked the guy and potentially gotten thrown out of the game.
It was a freaking mess. He’d never shown such bad sportsmanship, and the media had run with the story.
After the game, Chaz had told him the front office was getting requests for interviews about the grocery store altercation with the Rebels’ fans. Apparently, a majority of Rebels’ fans were up in arms about it and had been sending condolences to Jordan and his family. Media commentators were discussing the ethics of tabloid bounties for children, which was prompting a hot debate about celebrities’ privacy. The media had even identified the Good Samaritan, and Jordan planned to call him tomorrow to thank him for looking out for his family.
He hadn’t told Grace about any of it because she’d pretty much cold-cocked him with her talk of leaving Atlanta to protect Ella. But he’d have to—even though he was planning on retiring—because he wouldn’t keep anything concerning their daughter from her again. Tomorrow was soon enough.
Digging out his phone when he reached his house, he scrolled through the texts he’d received from his Once Upon a Dare brothers. The general theme was the same: were he and the family okay?
He didn’t have the energy to respond to everyone individually, so he sent back a group text.
Things are pretty bad, but I’m working on changing that. Tell you more deets when I have them.
Jordan couldn’t sleep that night, kept awake by thoughts of leaving the sport he loved, but the memory of Ella’s sad, listless body cuddled against his chest was enough to reaffirm there was nothing he wouldn’t do for his little girl.
Chapter 29
Grace didn’t know what to say to Jordan yet, so she left Ella with her mom and drove to Tony’s apartment in Midtown after Jordan had left for work. He’d come to the house to say goodbye to Ella, who had thankfully only gotten up once in the middle of the night. The baby had still been asleep when he’d arrived, but Grace had heard
Jordan’s words loud and clear over the baby monitor.
“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” he’d said softly. “Daddy’s going to take care of everything today.”
Was he planning on announcing his retirement? Her stomach was clenched in knots at the idea. Not this soon, surely? After a sleepless night, she was all tied up with indecision. Had she been wrong to suggest that she and Ella move away? Jordan was a good dad, and living in different cities changed things between a parent and a child. His willingness to leave the NFL to stay with Ella had moved her fiercely. With that one move, he was showing her his daughter was truly everything.
And that wasn’t the only thing tying her into knots. After all this time, he wanted to marry her. She’d spent plenty of time sobbing into her pillow over that.
Surely there was some other way for them to stay together as a family—one that wouldn’t require Jordan to give up the game he so loved. Tony was one of the people she knew best, and his separation from the situation meant he could give her impartial advice. That was something she desperately needed right now.
When she reached Tony’s penthouse, he greeted her with open arms. “I would have come to you,” he said, hugging her tightly. “You have enough on your plate right now. I’m surprised reporters didn’t follow you here.”
“They did,” she said, letting him lead her inside. “I ended up having Jordan’s driver bring me here.” It was her acknowledgment that Jordan had been right about her following the protocols he’d put in place. But her heart had pretty much pounded the whole way considering all the news vans and other cars in hot pursuit after they cleared the gate.
He narrowed his eyes at her. “You should have stayed inside.”
She’d thought about it. “Things…got taken care of.” The guards had been super angry about the incident, and they’d encouraged her to let them do their jobs. She’d assured them it wouldn’t happen again.
