Or maybe it was about her because she couldn’t remember her own mum, could only remember an ethereal figure tucking her in and singing a lullaby she couldn’t remember the words to. But she knew mothers were special. She’d always wanted one and Finn’s had sounded magical. Someone who talked to angels.
For Trina there’d been a succession of foster homes in her childhood, the quiet child, the plain one with her hair pulled back tightly, the one people were briskly kind to but nobody became interested in, except the younger children she seemed to gather around her every time she ended back in the home.
Many kids had it a lot worse, and she’d come to a stage where she’d asked not to be fostered, not to raise her hopes that she’d find a mother to love, and she’d stayed and helped in the home until she could leave. Had worked for a scholarship, always determined to do her nursing.
A nice sensible profession followed by her glimpse into midwifery—and that was when she’d seen it.
The families. Starting from the glory of birth, the connection to the child, the true beginning of a mother’s love. The journey she’d make one day because she knew in her bones this was her destiny and then she’d be home. She had so much love to give.
‘I’m sorry your mother died. I would have liked to meet her.’
He looked at her thoughtfully and then nodded. ‘She would have liked you too.’
The thought warmed her melancholy and she appreciated his kindness. ‘Thank you.’
He was the one with the questioning look now. Weighing the difference of needing to know and being too forward. ‘Where did you meet your husband?’
So they’d reached that stage. She’d started it. Gingerly she began to unpack it a little. ‘Edward was a nurse like me. At uni. We both worked at a restaurant waiting on tables and we laughed a lot. Then we both graduated and went to work at the same Sydney hospital. We married just before I started my transition to midwifery year. He was my knight in shining armour, my soulmate, an orphan like me and a man who understood my need for family.’
She had to admit Finn looked less happy. ‘He sounds a great guy.’
She breathed in slowly. To control the tickle of sadness in her throat. ‘He was.’ Gone now. They’d been so full of plans. ‘We were saving up for our family that never came. Because Ed died. Killed by a fast brain tumour that robbed him of speech before we could say much, and his life before we could properly say goodbye.’
She saw the empathy for her sudden loss. Not as sudden as his. But worse.
Finn said, ‘That must have been devastating.’
‘It was. I sold our flat and came here. Watching the sea helped.’ She’d been adrift, swamped by the withdrawal of a future again, the loss of her love and her husband. She’d sworn she would not risk broken dreams again. But then she’d stumbled into Lighthouse Bay and the warmth of her midwifery family had helped her begin the long, slow journey to heal.
‘But it seems I’m resilient. Maybe all those foster families in the past made me tough. Because now I’m scuba diving and I’ve even had lunch and dinner with a man and his daughter. It took two years but I’m becoming braver.’ She looked at him. ‘But I’m still wary.’
‘I understand that.’ He grimaced. ‘I’m a little wary myself.’
One more question then, Trina thought as Finn put the last of the pasta into his mouth. She waited for him to swallow. ‘So how did you meet Clancy?’
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Finn
FINN GUESSED HE owed Catrina that. He remembered the day vividly. Puffy white clouds. Brilliant blue sky. Painted ponies and unicorns. ‘At a fairground, of all places. She was riding the merry-go-round with a little girl my sister had taken there. A distant relative she’d asked my help to mind for the day. We were introduced by a five-year-old. Clancy knocked me sideways. Her hair—’ he shook his head ‘—just like Piper’s, a daffodil cloud around her head.’
He saw Catrina’s wince and mentally smacked himself up-side the head. Idiot. Don’t tell one woman another is beautiful. He moved on quickly. ‘I should never have married her. She wasn’t that young but she was a child, not a wife.’
‘Do you think Clancy knew what she was doing when she ran away? That she planned to stay hidden?’
‘I hope so. That has kept me sane. She ran away for a couple of days twice during the pregnancy. I was frantic. Then she reappeared as if she’d never been away and I told myself to stop making a big deal of it. That nobody owns anybody. But to leave straight after the birth?’ He shrugged. ‘It was a quick labour, but physically it was still a labour. So why would she leave her recovery time and make life hard on herself?’
‘What happened?’ He heard the gentleness in her voice, the understanding, and, despite his reluctance to talk about a time he wanted to forget, Catrina was a midwife and understood women, plus—he’d kissed her. Planned on doing more. She needed to know.
‘Clancy stayed very focused during the birth. Distant, when I look back on it. As if she’d already pulled back from me. Even when Piper was born Clancy pushed her to me and of course I was over the moon. I scooped her up whenever she wanted. Clancy said no to breastfeeding so I gave Piper her first bottle.’
He remembered those first precious moments with his daughter in his arms. ‘I’ve wondered how long she’d known that she was leaving.’ He shook his head. Felt Catrina’s eyes on him and was glad she didn’t interrupt. He just wanted it out. ‘So I changed the first nappy, gave Piper her first bath. And when I came back in on the second day to take them home she’d already gone. She’d left Piper with the nurses.’
He saw Catrina’s hand cover her mouth but now he was there—in the past—remembered the incomprehension and disbelief. The beginnings of anger and how he’d expected her to walk back in at any moment.
How could Clancy possibly leave her day-old baby? How could she leave him when they were just starting as a family? And the worst. Selfish really. The innuendo that he had been impossible to live with and for what dark reason had she left?
Finn found himself opening his mouth to let those words out too. Ones he’d never shared with anyone else. ‘I could feel the sidelong glances from the midwives—domestic violence must have run through their minds. Why would a new mother leave her baby? Was I the sort of man who looked loving on the outside yet was evil on the inside? What had I done to her to make her do this?’
‘I don’t think so,’ Catrina said softly. ‘If that were the case, I imagine the mother would take the baby and not leave a child at risk. The staff would have seen how you cared for Piper.’ She reached out and laid her fingers on his arm. ‘I see how you care for Piper.’
He appreciated that. He really did. But maybe he had done something Clancy couldn’t live with. He’d rehashed their short marriage but couldn’t see anything. If only he knew why she’d left. ‘I don’t want the guilt if something happened to her. But I’m well over waiting for her to turn up every morning. My biggest regret, and it still rips out my heart thinking about it—is how am I going to explain to Piper that her mother walked away from her? That’s what makes me angry. I can survive but how does a young girl understand her mother doesn’t care enough to at least ask how she is going?’
‘Every child needs a mother. But Piper has you. I guess Clancy knew you would make Piper your world. You’re a paediatrician so you must love kids. Could keep her safe.’
‘Maybe. But to have no contact? Just disappear?’
‘You don’t know why?’
He shook his head.
‘Then you may never know. And it’s no wonder you wanted to hide and start again.’
Start again. The words repeated in his head. Yes. He wanted to start again with Catrina. Instead he said, ‘Moving here helped with that. Living in our house was pure hell. She wanted the big house, but it wasn’t as much fun as she thought it would be. She didn’t want
a baby, just wanted to enjoy life without worries. She didn’t want to be a doctor’s wife or a stay-at-home mum. She wanted to be seen with a man on her arm. And I was busy. I guess I did let her down.’
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Trina
TRINA LISTENED TO Finn and tried not to judge Piper’s mother. Tried not to hear the reverence in his voice when he spoke of her hair. He was right. Of course people would ask why she had left. Would wonder if he’d been the monster to force her into such a desperate act. Would harbour suspicions that somehow he had harmed her. She wondered if Finn knew how lucky he was she’d left the hospital and not when she’d got home, when the innuendos could have been worse. At least he hadn’t been the last person to see her.
She tried to comprehend a mental imbalance, or a strange delusion, or just plain selfishness that had made it possible for a woman to leave her day-old baby. To leave without warning, or explanation except for a brief note, but no assurance of her well-being and expect her husband not to suffer with doubts and worry and loss of the family dream all under a cloud of suspicion. It proved difficult to imagine. Poor Finn.
‘You said you tried to find her. The police?’
‘The police agreed the note was real, didn’t find anything and then other cases took precedence. They didn’t have the resources for runaway wives.’
‘You said you hired a detective?’
Finn waved his hand. ‘The detective finally tracked down her last known contact before I met her, an older man, an uncle, but he’d gone overseas recently. The trail stopped there.’
Trina couldn’t imagine how hard that must have been. ‘She never wrote? Or phoned you?’
‘Her phone went straight to message bank and eventually even message bank disconnected. Her credit cards or bank accounts that I knew she had were never touched. She didn’t drive so they couldn’t trace her through her driver’s licence.’
Poor Finn. ‘How can someone just disappear?’
‘I’ve asked myself that question many times.’
‘Do you think she went with her uncle? Overseas?’
He grimaced. ‘It’s possible. Or he set her up somewhere. I never met him. Didn’t know of his existence until the detective told me.’
‘What about your wedding?’
‘She wanted the register office. My mother was in her last month and very ill. Half a dozen people came on my side. None on hers.’
It all sounded very sterile and unromantic. Quite horrible really. Not in keeping with this man who adored his daughter and made cupcakes and sandcastles.
She wanted to ask if Finn still loved Clancy. Started to. ‘Can I ask...’
Finn’s phone rang and they both looked at it vaguely and then reality hit. He was on call.
Finn dug it from his shirt pocket and said, ‘I did not plan that.’ Then he stood up to listen. Trina tried not to strain her own ears.
Finn left a minute later. ‘One of your buck’s night boys has cut himself on oysters.’ He kissed her cheek. ‘Thanks for dinner. And for listening. My turn next time.’
He said next time. So she hadn’t scared him away. And, despite that harrowing story of his wife’s disappearance, he hadn’t scared her away either. And he kissed her before he left. Trina hugged herself briefly and began to clear the dishes away. There were lots of reasons not to rush this.
* * *
Friday morning Finn met her on her walk and invited her down to his cottage backyard for a barbecue. Despite her need to prepare for the next week of work—washing, sorting, a little shopping—the day dragged until it was time to go over, and her stomach was knotted with excitement when she arrived. This was not being wary.
He looked so good when he opened the door.
He bowed her in. Then he kissed her. Twice. Piper was toddling across the room stark naked and put her arms up to Trina. Wow. She scooped her up and hugged her.
‘Well, that’s a hello anyone would be happy to get.’ She met Finn’s eyes over the top of Piper’s head and her cheeks warmed at the smile Finn sent her. She hoped he didn’t think she wanted him naked to greet her at the door. Her face grew warmer.
‘Welcome,’ Finn said softly. Then changed the subject away from the charged atmosphere of how fast this was all going. ‘It’s fresh-caught fish tonight. As soon as I bath Piper.’
‘Let me.’ Trina laughed as the little girl played peek-a-boo around her neck at her father. ‘You go ahead. I’ll bath her.’
Piper wriggled to be free and Trina put her down. The little girl toddled towards the bathroom. Finn laughed. ‘She’s getting smarter and faster.’ Then he gestured with his hand. ‘Her clothes are on my bed.’
So Trina bathed Piper in the little shower tub Finn had made. The enchantment of ceramic tiles with starfish, animals, moon and flowers around the walls of the shower cubicle, a mishmash of words that Piper tried to say when Trina pointed them out.
She loved that Finn had created the novelty for his daughter. Loved the way Piper watched her father with sometimes wise eyes. Loved them both. She sighed.
She was in trouble and she knew it. She’d fallen for him and he was still married. Fallen for the idea of joining their family as pseudo mother and she had no right.
Somewhere there was a woman who did have the right and until that dilemma was sorted she should be spending less time with him, not more—but she couldn’t seem to say no. She didn’t even want to ask if he still loved Clancy. She didn’t want to know.
* * *
On Saturday morning she met Piper and Finn at the rock pools on her way back from her scuba lesson. ‘What a surprise!’
Finn laughed when she teased him about being predictable and they bickered pleasantly about who was paying for lunch this week after a pleasant half an hour splashing.
After lunch Finn took Piper home for her sleep and Trina went home to make a cheesecake.
She’d been invited to Myra and Reg’s for another barbecue; they’d arrived home from their cruise excited about the fun they’d had and eager to talk about the adventure.
Reg was impressed when Trina told him of Finn’s assistance during Rhiannon’s baby’s birth and patted himself on the back for finding such a useful fellow. He rubbed his hands and winked at Myra and then Finn arrived and the story was repeated.
Finn came to stand beside Trina with Piper on his hip. Piper leaned towards Trina so naturally she put her hands out and took her from Finn.
‘It’s a great unit. I was glad to help,’ Finn said as Piper’s soft little hands reached up and touched Trina’s hair on her cheek. Pulled it experimentally. Absently Trina lifted her fingers to free herself and caught Ellie’s raised brows as she adjusted the child on her hip more comfortably. It was clear Piper felt at home with Trina and, judging by Ellie’s expression, she was wondering why.
Finn went on, oblivious to the unspoken conversation between the two women. ‘Catrina was as calm as a cucumber, as was Faith, of course.’ She saw him glance around and was glad he’d mentioned Faith. Faith, Trina and Ellie had been the original three midwives and Faith wasn’t there to hear. But it was nice to be mentioned. His gaze settled on Ellie. ‘You have great midwives.’
Ellie’s questioning gaze finally shifted off Trina, who gave a little sigh of relief. ‘I know. Though it’s the first time we’ve actually had to give fluids by a UVC in our unit.’
‘Happens a couple of times a year where I worked,’ Finn said and took a ginger ale from Ellie’s husband. ‘What about you, Sam? Seen many babies need IV fluids at birth?’
‘Nope. And don’t want to. That’s one of the benefits of working at the base hospital. Paeds do all that stuff. Give me a nice straightforward obstetric emergency every time and leave babies for the paeds.’
Finn laughed. ‘Each to their own. I’m the opposite. Though Catrina’s been letting me sit in on births fo
r the week as a refresher and we even had a water birth.’ He smiled at her and she felt her cheeks heat. Ellie winked at her and she tried unsuccessfully not to blush.
Quickly she decided she might as well join the conversation and try to look normal. ‘He’s converted. It was Sara and you know how calm she is.’
Ellie nodded. ‘I was there for her last baby. Gorgeous. I’m hoping to have a water birth,’ she told Finn. Then glanced at Sam, who pretended to sigh.
‘I’m just the father. But, as an obstetrician, I’d like to go to the base hospital and feel like I have every conceivable back-up plan in place—but I’ve been outvoted.’ He didn’t look too worried.
‘When’s your baby due?’ Finn asked Sam and, seeing the expression on his face, Trina wondered if he was remembering the feeling of being a father and knowing too much—but not wanting to say it.
‘Three weeks.’ Sam grimaced. ‘I’m more nervous than Ellie.’
His wife took his hand and kissed it. ‘You’re excited, dear, not nervous, and it could take five weeks if I go overdue.’
Sam looked at her, his face softened and he squeezed her hand back. ‘I’m very excited.’
Trina decided he was manfully suppressing the and nervous addition to that sentence and she remembered that Sam’s first wife had miscarried many times. Everyone had their past and their crosses to bear. She should be thankful that she had good friends, wonderful support around her, and now she had Finn. Be thankful. And stop worrying.
* * *
The night held lots of laughs, tall stories and excitement from Myra and Reg about their cruise. And a few hints that they’d go again soon if Finn was happy to take Reg’s on-call roster.
Myra and Trina had shared a bottle of lovely champagne they’d brought back from Tasmania and Trina glowed with good food, good wine and the joy of having a male dinner partner who fancied her for the first time in two years and didn’t mind letting others know.
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