by Susan Lewis
When nothing happened she went to open the door. The landing was empty; her mother had already gone, and now she hated herself so much she just wanted to curl up in a tiny ball and die.
Chapter Twelve
LAINEY’S SMILE WAS hesitant as she joined Father Michael on a bench not far from her mother’s grave. It was the first time she’d seen him since the funeral, and she felt guilty for never going to church on Sunday, even though she wasn’t Catholic and he probably didn’t expect to see her there.
She’d just left a bunch of lilies on Alessandra’s marble tombstone, and spoken to her softly in her heart as she’d arranged them. Love from me and Daddy, the children too, of course. If you can see us, if you know what’s happening, please tell me what to do.
Her only response had come from a faint stirring of a breeze.
Are you angry about me being here, at the church? Do you know what I’m about to do?
Though Lainey didn’t believe in the afterlife, or didn’t think she did, she felt it best to keep an open mind.
‘Thank you for seeing me,’ she said to Father Michael.
‘It’s always a pleasure,’ he replied, smiling with the reassuring mix of kindness and wisdom that had helped her so much during her mother’s final days. ‘How have you been keeping?’
‘Yes, fine, thanks,’ she said, feeling the strain of the lie stretching through her like a pain. ‘And you?’
He sighed softly. ‘Oh, I’m not going to grumble,’ he replied. ‘What news of your dear father? Is he still with you, at Bannerleigh Cross?’
‘Oh yes. It’s his home, and I hope it always will be.’ She didn’t want to believe Tom would end up forcing a sale, but with the way things were she couldn’t be sure of anything. ‘His dementia is worsening,’ she admitted. ‘He’s very detached, hardly ever speaks, apart from to recite poetry at times.’
Father Michael’s eyes softened with regret. ‘It is a tragedy indeed when such a brilliant mind falls victim to this horrible disease,’ he murmured. ‘And what about those sisters of yours, are they helping to take care of him?’
Lainey merely raised her eyebrows.
‘Ah, I see things haven’t changed on that front. It’s lucky he has you and Tom, so it is.’ He leaned in mischievously. ‘Can you tell me when the next book’s coming out? I’d like to impress a couple of colleagues with my inside info.’
Wondering what he’d make of the other inside info she could give him, she said, ‘It’s due at the beginning of December.’
Where would they be by then? How was she going to stop herself breaking apart?
Father Michael was twinkling. ‘I’ll look forward to it,’ he promised, ‘but I’m sure you didn’t come here to talk about that. So what can I do for you?’
Lainey’s mouth felt dry, her insides liquid and shaky as she said, ‘It probably won’t surprise you to hear it’s about my mother.’
‘No, I can’t say it does, may God rest her soul.’
She smiled gratefully. ‘I think you know,’ she began, ‘well, obviously you know that she came here from Italy, just after I was born.’
He nodded that he did.
‘You probably also know that she never talked about the family she left behind, at least not to me.’
He neither confirmed nor denied it.
‘Well, the thing is,’ she went on, ‘I’ve decided to go to Tuoro – that’s where she was born – to see what I can find out about her and . . . well, maybe about my father too. I mean my birth father, obviously, not Peter.’
He nodded understandingly.
She glanced down at her hands, summoning the courage to come to the point. She was sure he already knew what it was, but in his typical priestly way, he was allowing her to get there in her own time.
‘I know I’m not really supposed to ask this,’ she continued, ‘but before she died did my mother ever say anything about what had happened to make her leave Italy the way she did?’
Taking her hand, he held it gently between both of his as he said, ‘Even if I were allowed to break the seal of the confessional, which of course I am not, I’m afraid I still wouldn’t be able to give you the answers you’re seeking.’
Lainey’s eyes gazed deeply into his, absorbing his words and realising that he’d answered her question; at the last her mother still hadn’t spoken of what she’d kept hidden for almost forty years.
‘Do you think I’m wrong to try to find out about my roots?’ she asked.
He gave it some thought, tilting his silvery head to one side, while still cradling her hand. ‘I think it would be highly unusual if you weren’t curious,’ he replied in the end.
She waited for more, but it seemed that was all he had to say for now. ‘Tom thinks . . . He was all for me going to Italy a while ago, he was planning to come with me, but now he seems to have . . . reservations.’
‘Did he say what they were?’
‘He thinks my mother could have been trying to protect me from something.’
‘And you don’t agree with that?’
‘I don’t disagree, because of course it seems likely he’s right, but if she was . . . Whatever happened was over thirty-six years ago. I can’t see how it could hurt me now, and wouldn’t you want to find out who you really were, if you were me?’
He allowed some moments to pass as he considered the question. ‘Yes, I probably would,’ he replied. ‘I’d go even further and say that as they’re your roots, you have a right to know more about them.’
Lainey’s breath caught on a dry sob as she smiled. She’d had no idea until now just how much his approval would mean to her. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered.
He patted her hand and squeezed it gently. ‘Is that all that’s troubling you, Elenora?’
Lainey found her throat tightening. Only her mother called her by her full name; it was the first time she’d heard it in over a year.
‘It isn’t, is it?’ he prompted.
Her head went down as she fought back the tears. She so desperately wanted to tell him about Tom and Kirsten and Julia that it almost came tumbling out.
‘Perhaps I can help,’ he suggested.
She shook her head. ‘Thank you, but I’ll be fine. I just . . . Well, I hope some time in Italy will help to straighten things out for me in more ways than one.’
‘Then I shall pray that it does, and if you change your mind and would like to talk, you know where I am.’
As she walked back to the car she felt the phone vibrating in her hand, and opened her messages to find one from Tierney saying she was going to Maudie’s for the night, and another from Stacy confirming that she could fly to Italy on Saturday, but could probably only stay for a week.
‘The good news though,’ Stacy continued, ‘is that I’ll be back in Gloucestershire tonight, so I’ll come straight to you from the train. My car’s at the station, so don’t worry about picking me up.’
Though she’d spoken at length to Stacy over the past couple of days, telling her everything that was happening, the thought of actually seeing her was as uplifting as anything could be at this time. Things never felt quite so bad when her best friend was around.
By the time she got home she’d received several calls from Tom; she hadn’t taken them since she hadn’t wanted to speak to him while driving. She knew already, because he’d texted her this morning, that Kirsten had been released from hospital, but he hadn’t said when, or even if he was coming home again.
Surely he’d be back before they went to Italy? He knew how upset the children were now she’d broken the news, so she couldn’t imagine he’d want a whole month to pass before seeing them again. If they actually stayed for a month, and she wasn’t entirely sure at this stage that they would.
‘Mum! I’m not feeling the love,’ Zav cried indignantly as she walked through the door.
Looking up from her phone, she quickly put it down and went to give him a hug and a kiss. ‘Better?’ she asked, smoothing his hair. What had h
e been saying? Her mind was all over the place – she didn’t seem able to concentrate on anything any more.
‘Really soppy,’ he told her, but his dear, handsome face was gazing up at her lovingly, showing he wasn’t cross, only teasing – and worried, and confused and not quite as sure of himself as he’d been a couple of days ago. ‘So, are you coming?’ he asked.
‘Where?’
‘To feed the ducks with me and Grandpa and Max. They’ve already gone down to the pond, so we’ll have to run to catch them up.’
Kissing him again, she said, ‘Why don’t you go on ahead? I have a few calls to make.’
He stayed where he was. ‘To Dad?’ he asked uncertainly.
She nodded. ‘One of them, yes. Have you heard from him today?’
He shrugged. ‘Kind of. He rang to ask how I was, so I told him I thought he should come home, but then we got cut off.’
‘Didn’t he call you back?’
‘No, he texted to say he’d be home as soon as he could. Do you want to see it?’ And sliding his phone out of his pocket he handed it over.
Please don’t worry, son, I’ll be back as soon as I can. If I don’t make it before you go to Italy have a lovely time, take care of Mum and Tierney, and remember how much I love you. PS call any time you want to while you’re away, don’t worry about how much it’s costing.
Lainey’s insides were so tight with anger and despair it was hard to speak. So he wasn’t coming back before they left, or not by the sound of it, and he’d told Zav by text.
As soon as Zav had gone, she snatched up her phone. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ she cried when she finally got hold of him. ‘I’ve seen your text to Zav. He’s a child. He needs you . . .’
‘Lainey, I’m doing my best here,’ he shouted over her. ‘It’s not easy this end either, and frankly, you’re in a better position to cope right now than Kirsten is.’
‘Is that so? Well, frankly, I shouldn’t have to be coping without you and nor should the children. Have you spoken to Tierney yet?’
‘I’ve tried, but she doesn’t want to listen. Just exactly what did you tell them?’
‘What the hell do you think I told them? Isn’t the fact that you have a daughter by another woman enough to shatter their world? They trusted you, Tom, as did I. We believed in you in a way you clearly never deserved. Actually, do you know what, I don’t want to have this conversation any more,’ and before he could object she ended the call and turned off her phone.
A moment later the landline rang, but the machine was on and she left it on as she poured herself a large glass of wine and carried it outside. There was nothing to be gained from speaking to him now; they clearly couldn’t communicate civilly and hearing his frustration, knowing Kirsten might be listening, was too much for her to take.
‘I’m going to focus on Italy now,’ she told Stacy when she arrived. ‘We leave on Saturday . . .’ Her voice faltered, and Stacy putting an arm around her shoulders made it even harder to hold on. ‘I wish Tierney would come home,’ she said. ‘She’s not handling this very well, and we really need to talk.’
‘Where is she now?’
‘At Maudie’s. I spoke to Cass earlier, Maudie’s mother, to ask her to call if Tierney didn’t seem herself. To be honest, I wanted to be sure Tierney was actually there. The last thing we need is her running off to London or somewhere to try and punish her father. And me. For some reason she seems to be angry with me too.’
‘Mm, she probably can’t deal with seeing you hurt,’ Stacy commented, refilling their glasses. ‘It’s making her feel helpless, and probably guilty too, in the way kids do when their parents are having problems.’
Lainey nodded agreement. ‘Do you think,’ she began, dangerously close to the edge again, ‘that this really is the end for me and Tom?’ Please say no, please, please, please say no even if you don’t mean it.
‘What’s difficult,’ Stacy replied, ‘is not knowing what he actually wants to happen when Kirsten gets through this – if she gets through, and we still don’t know how serious it is. I take it you haven’t asked him that question.’
Lainey shook her head. ‘There hasn’t been much of a chance, and to be honest, I really don’t want to hear the details of what’s been going on all these years. Much less do I want to see him break down over another woman. I know it’s cowardly, and I’ll have to go through it at some point, but for the moment I just can’t bring myself to.’
Understanding that, Stacy said, ‘This trip to Italy couldn’t have come at a better time. The last thing you need is to be sitting around here, waiting to find out what’s happening over there.’
Not denying it, Lainey said, ‘You know, it keeps reminding me of when you and Derek first broke up. He’d never come right out and admit it was over between you. He just kept stringing you along, letting you think you could work things out . . .’ She was so tense all of a sudden that her whole body seemed to ache with it, and as a terrible sense of dread came over her she could barely move, or think past it. What had been so particularly bad for Stacy was how cruel Derek had been in the end. Was Tom going to reach that point too? Would there come a time when he really didn’t care about her feelings at all?
‘Tom isn’t Derek,’ Stacy said softly. ‘He has way more qualities and though this is going to be hard to hear, one of them is that he’s trying to be there for Kirsten and Julia at the same time as trying to keep things together with you.’
Lainey smiled weakly. ‘It’s not going to work though, is it, because whatever happens now, we can never go back. Kirsten and Julia will always be there and I guess we’ll just have to wait and see who he really wants to be with.’
‘Don’t listen to Maudie,’ Skye was saying into the phone, ‘she’s just a sad little virgin who doesn’t know the first thing about blokes.’ Tierney turned away from Maudie, afraid she could hear. ‘You’re mad about him really,’ Skye ranted on, ‘it’s just all this stuff with your rents that’s messing with your head. I’m telling you, it screwed me up big time when mine broke up, but then I realised, well someone told me, actually, that I had to stop going on like they were my responsibility. And you have to do the same. They’re grown-ups, they can figure stuff out for themselves, and if they can’t, it’s not your fault. You’ve got your own life to lead, just like I have mine, and look at me now. I’ve got all the freedom I could wish for, and it’s really helped me to grow up.’
Tierney couldn’t deny that, since Skye was the most mature person for her age that she knew. She wanted to be like that too, totally cool about stuff, never letting anything get to her, but she wasn’t making a very good job of it right now.
‘I’ll be there tomorrow,’ Skye reminded her. ‘We can have a chat then, but meantime, definitely go to see Mr Grey.’ This was what she’d started calling Guy. ‘It’s what he wants, and you know it’s what you want really.’
If it was, then how come the whole thing had started creeping her out?
After ringing off, she turned back to Maudie.
‘You’re going to go, aren’t you?’ Maudie challenged, her blue eyes glittering harshly behind their black-rimmed frames.
‘I don’t know,’ Tierney mumbled. ‘I’ve said I would . . .’
‘So what? You’re mad getting into this if it’s not what you want. He’s just a perv, really. OK, a dead-fit perv, but he’s getting off on some seriously weird stuff.’
Though Tierney couldn’t deny it, she wasn’t really thinking about him any more. Her mind was on Julia and what she might be like. Whoever she was, Tierney already hated her for taking their dad away. She had no right to, even if her mother was sick. He belonged at home with her, Zav and Max – and with Mum, who was totally destroyed . . .
Tears welled up in her eyes. She couldn’t bear to think of her mother hurting, it was the worst thing in the world, but she didn’t want to talk to her either, and she especially didn’t want to talk to her dad, who kept texting and calling.
‘Please call me back, Tierney,’ he’d urged her earlier. ‘I promise I’d come there if I could, but things are difficult here. Julia’s not as strong as you, she needs . . .’ She’d deleted the message at that point, because what the hell did she care about Julia?
All she cared about, in fact, was what she was going to do tonight. ‘I promised him I’d be outside the Hope and Anchor by eight,’ she told Maudie.
‘So text to say you can’t be there now,’ Maudie retorted. ‘Make up an excuse like you have to go somewhere with your mum, or you’re not very well.’
Tierney’s eyes fell to her phone. The truth was, the only person she really wanted to see was her dad, though she’d never tell him that, and anyway it couldn’t happen while he was with Julia, so she might as well go and see Guy. Except she didn’t really want to see him, even though she’d told him on the phone that she did, and now he’d driven all this way. He’d even booked them into a hotel for the night, and Maudie was going to be her alibi.
Opening up her messages, she pressed in a text. Really, really sorry, but crisis at home so can’t make it. Bracing herself, she hit send.
A minute or so later she received a reply. I don’t believe it. Am already here and mad to see you. Can’t you work something out?
Tierney’s eyes went anxiously to Maudie’s. ‘What shall I say?’
Maudie thought. ‘Just ignore it,’ she decided. ‘It’s not like he’s going to go charging up to the house to get you, is it?’
True, he wouldn’t do that, but all the same . . . ‘He’ll be so pissed off.’
‘And? He’ll get over it.’
Tierney started as her phone rang. Seeing it was her dad she immediately clicked on. ‘I don’t want to speak to you,’ she growled. ‘I hate you for what you’ve done . . .’
‘Tierney, we need to talk . . .’
‘About Julia, great, like I’m dying to hear all about her. You’re a hypocrite and a liar and if you think . . .’
