by Susan Lewis
‘He belongs to Grandpa really,’ Zav informed Kirsten, ‘but he doesn’t mind us playing with him, do you, Grandpa?’
Peter smiled as he patted Zav’s head.
‘Would you like some coffee, or tea?’ Tierney offered Kirsten.
Kirsten managed a smile. ‘Water is fine for me,’ she replied. She watched Tierney go to the fridge. ‘She’s a lovely girl,’ she commented, almost to herself. ‘Very like her father.’
Understanding what must be going through her mind, and how difficult it must be, Lainey tightened the hold on her hands. Though there was nothing she could do to change the way Julia was, or to make up for the time she’d lost with her father and siblings, she was already determined that her new stepdaughter was going to be a huge part of their lives from now on.
‘Julia, sweetheart, only one biscuit,’ Kirsten chided as Julia grabbed a handful from the plate Tierney held out. ‘You know what we’ve said about your weight.’
Obediently putting the extras back, Julia stuffed the remaining one in her mouth and grinned widely as Tierney did the same.
‘It looks easy when she’s being like this,’ Kirsten said quietly, ‘and on the whole she has a very sweet nature, but there are times when she can be very challenging.’
Not doubting it for a minute, Lainey concurred, ‘Show me a child who isn’t, but I understand her needs are different. I’ll make sure I know what they are for when she comes to stay. You can tell me, and I’ll get advice from specialists too, so please don’t worry. We’ll manage, I promise.’
Kirsten’s eyes followed Tom as he went to pick up the biscuit Peter had dropped into his lap.
‘Daddy,’ Julia said, beaming up at him.
‘Julia,’ he said, smiling down at her.
‘He’s my dad too,’ Zav told her.
Julia nodded, up and down, up and down.
Without saying where he was going, Tom turned away and left the room.
‘I’m still not sure how well he’s coming to terms with being the father of a Down’s child,’ Kirsten admitted. ‘Men often think it’s their fault.’
Realising that was something else she’d have to learn about, Lainey said, ‘I’ll go and talk to him. Will you be all right here for a moment?’
‘Of course,’ Kirsten assured her, and patting the seat next to her she said to Tierney, ‘come and tell me all about you.’
Finding Tom in his study, Lainey closed the door behind her and looked across to where he was standing, staring out of the window.
‘Why didn’t you tell me about Julia?’ she asked.
He didn’t answer, and realising he was too choked with emotion to utter a word, she went to rest her head on his shoulder. ‘She’s a lovely girl,’ she said softly.
He nodded.
‘It can’t have been easy for Kirsten, bringing her up alone.’
‘A thought that almost never leaves me,’ he responded hoarsely.
More minutes ticked by as they felt the burden of Kirsten’s struggle, and the guilt of not having been around to help her. Finally Lainey braced herself to ask the question she knew she couldn’t avoid any longer.
‘Did you get the letter Kirsten sent all those years ago?’
When only silence followed she knew, with a horrible, wrenching dismay, that she had her answer. ‘Oh God, Tom,’ she murmured, pulling away. ‘And when you cancelled seeing her . . .?’
‘Before you start jumping to conclusions,’ he broke in, ‘I didn’t open the letter, so I never knew Julia had Down’s.’
‘And if you had known?’
Pressing his fingers to his brows, he said, ‘I keep asking myself that question, and honestly, I don’t know what I’d have done. Obviously, I couldn’t have turned my back on her . . . I’d never have done that, and yet now it’s like that’s exactly what I did do.’
‘Without realising,’ Lainey reminded him.
‘It’s no excuse. To think, all these years, when we’ve been so happy, so blessed with our children . . .’
‘You surely can’t think Kirsten’s any less blessed. Julia’s as special to her as Tierney and Zav are to me.’
‘But Kirsten needed me there. She shouldn’t have had to bring her up alone. I know you, you’d have embraced her as warmly back then as you have today. We could have made such a difference to their lives.’
‘Of course, but it’s not too late. We can be there for them now, and God knows Kirsten could do with our support while she’s going through this, especially if, God forbid, she doesn’t pull through. She’ll need to know that Julia’s going to be loved and cared for in a family that’s genuinely hers.’
His eyes were gazing wondrously into hers. ‘You are so generous,’ he responded, ‘but I don’t think you realise what an enormous commitment it would be if we did take her on. No, hear me out,’ he objected as she made to interrupt. ‘You’ve already given me so much of your life . . . When I met you, you were so young, so fresh and full of possibilities. Yet you were willing to give up your studies, all the travelling you’d planned, the adventures every young person should have, the wonderful, exciting risk of just living, in order to be with me. And God help me, I let you because I couldn’t bear the thought of being without you. You meant everything to me, you still do, always will, but I can never reconcile myself to all you’ve missed out on because I turned you into a wife and mother before you even had a chance to be yourself.’
Lainey could hardly believe what she was hearing. ‘Are you crazy?’ she cried. ‘After all these years of knowing me, of living with me, have I ever seemed to you as though I felt I was missing out, or not being myself? I love being a wife and mother. It’s who I am, what I do, how I think, even, and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m proud of it, because what I do here, taking care of our children, of you and all that comes with you is, for me, the best career in the world.’
With love shining in his eyes, he said, ‘But Tierney’s going to be leaving home soon, and it’s not so many years until Zav will too. What’s going to happen then if we do have Julia with us? You’ll be stuck here with a husband who’s turning into an old man before your eyes, and a stepdaughter who’s never going to be able to leave. She could be your responsibility long after I’ve gone, do you realise that? You’ll have sacrificed your entire life for me and a child who’s not even yours. I can’t let you do it, Lainey. You deserve your life . . .’
‘Tom, will you please listen to me,’ she cut in forcefully.
‘No. You’ve taken care of your mother, and your father . . .’
‘You will listen,’ she insisted. ‘You’re my family, all of you, and that’s what matters to me. Maybe it’s the Italian in me. OK, I wasn’t set much of an example, but taking care of you all, Max and Julia included, loving you, being with you and doing what I can to make you happy is what makes me happy. So please don’t keep going on with all this nonsense about sacrifices and what I deserve. I love you, Tom Hollingsworth, more than I know how to put into words, and sadly I can’t rely on you to provide them because you can’t seem to say it at all.’
Laughing past his frustration, he caught her to him and held her tight. ‘I’ll find the words,’ he promised.
Tilting her head back to gaze up at him, she said, ‘It’s not really about words in the end, is it? It’s about being together, getting through the bad times and enjoying the good, sharing everything of each other and knowing we’ll always be there for each other.’ She wrinkled her nose. ‘That was a lot of words, wasn’t it?’
Losing his kiss to another laugh, he suggested, ‘Maybe you should be the writer in the family.’
‘I have my job, thanks, and I happen to think I’m quite good at it.’
‘You’re certainly that,’ he told her softly.
Their kiss was long and tender, and might not have ended there if they hadn’t been forced to remember their visitors.
‘I’ve been giving this some thought,’ she said, linking his arm as they started for the door.
‘OK, not for long, I admit, but I’m pretty sure about it already. I think Kirsten and Julia should come here to stay while Kirsten’s recovering. That way she’ll be able to see Julia settling into the family, and will be able to feel a part of it herself.’
Tom’s eyes closed as he shook his head in quiet amazement. ‘I don’t know why I’m surprised, when I know you as well as I do,’ he murmured, turning her to face him. ‘In fact, I should have seen this coming.’
‘Do you think Kirsten will go for it?’
‘I’ve no idea, but I do know that this is why I find it so hard to tell you I love you, because where you’re concerned the way I feel goes so far beyond those three words that they’re not even beginning to express the strength of it.’
Chapter Twenty-Four
THOUGH KIRSTEN WAS perfectly able to see the merits of Lainey’s suggestion, she still didn’t prove easy to persuade. As far as she was concerned, she couldn’t possibly allow herself to become such a burden. However, for Julia’s sake, she finally agreed to come for a few weeks, which ended up turning into a couple of months, then three, then four, as Julia seemed so settled and Lainey was so insistent that they really ought to hang on till after Christmas.
By then Kirsten’s recovery was making some progress, and since Max was now in London, renting a studio flat from Nadia while he helped out at the agency by day and gigged around town by night, she and Julia had taken over the annexe.
Though Lainey and Tom were seeing little of Max at Bannerleigh Cross, hardly a day went by when he wasn’t in touch with his father, or Lainey, usually because he needed something, while his Skyping with Tierney, Zav and Julia was solely because Julia seemed to love it so much.
‘I suppose there’s hope for him yet,’ Tom was occasionally heard to sigh, after he’d watched Max serenading his half-sister with lyrics written specially for her. Her pleasure at being made to feel so special, coupled with the sheer joy of having brothers and a sister, was as heart-warming to behold as her delight in being an extra in the Christmas panto. Or as touching as watching her running out of school with drawings for everyone clutched in her hands, and marks that showed the very real worth of her inclusive education. Though she wasn’t able to go to Tierney’s school in Stroud, she’d fitted in straight away at The Farnaways, where Lainey and Tom had both recently become governors.
Julia also had a desk in Tom’s study where she was allowed to do her homework if she was quiet, and her beloved horses were in stables the other side of the village. Since they’d been moved there the whole family had taken up riding, and because of how much they enjoyed it Tom and Lainey had set about building a stable block of their own.
Next to riding her horses, rehearsing for the panto, Skyping with Max, reading to her mother or father, and hanging out with Tierney and Maudie, Julia’s greatest pleasure in life was taking Peter and Sherman for walks – either down to the duck pond, or over to the stables. Quite what Sherman thought of his new lead, since he’d almost never worn one, was impossible to tell. However, he never seemed to mind when she clipped it on, and there was definitely a wag in his tail whenever the three of them – four when Zav or Tom joined them – set off down the drive. For his part Peter rarely failed to smile when he saw her, much as he did with his other grandchildren, though it was doubtful he really knew who she was. The only names he’d spoken in a while now were Lainey’s and Sandra’s, and it was evident he had them confused.
November came, and Tom’s new book was published. As usual it went straight to number one, both sides of the Atlantic, and because this was the first time Kirsten and Julia had been around to celebrate with them they’d thrown an especially big party. However, a week after publication other matters once again overshadowed Tom’s fictional world.
Now, as Lainey surveyed the neatly kept gardens of the crematorium where more mourners than either she or Tom had imagined were starting to gather, she was remarking the colours of the trees and how bare some were, while others still seemed slow to shed. The sun was bright, glistening in puddles and flashing off windscreens like laughter. The sadness of the occasion seemed to be passing nature by.
There were many faces she recognised, some only by sight or from TV, others whom she knew fairly well, mainly through Tom. She felt touched by their need to pay their final respects, saying so softly as she shook their hands. Everyone was welcome at the reception following the service.
There was a marquee in the field where caterers were even now setting up for the event, while the gardener and his assistant were clearing pathways through the piles of fallen leaves.
As time ticked on more people arrived, dressed in black and carrying memories they were already starting to share. She wondered what Tom would make of so many luminaries when he saw them. No doubt he’d know who they all were. She could see the hearse turning into the crematorium now, with a black Mercedes behind that she knew was carrying Tom, Max, Tierney, Zav and Julia. Lainey had come on ahead with Stacy and Kirsten’s sister Rosa. Rosa’s husband was here too, as was Nancy, many teachers from Julia’s school, and most of the village including the owners of the stables. Her sisters, Sarah and Esther, had turned up a few minutes ago with their husbands; even her own self-appointed Italian family had flown over to lend their support: Marco and his wife, Adriana and Lorenzo.
As the hearse came to a stop beside the low red-brick building, Lainey looked at the coffin, covered in flowers, and tried not to think of the body inside. It wasn’t a person any more, only the remains after the spirit had soared. She wasn’t going to break down, she really wasn’t, but she was close, and seeing Tom and the children getting out of the second car she felt a tear splash messily on to her cheek. Their grief was so evident it was impossible for her not to feel it too.
Tom’s eyes found hers, and for a fleeting moment it was as though all sounds stopped and no one else existed.
Feeling Stacy’s arm go through hers, Lainey pressed it to her side and watched Tom joining his brother, Grant, and four more dark-suited men to hoist the coffin on to their shoulders. The children were surrounding her now, struggling with their emotions, needing to be close.
‘Are you ready?’ Stacy whispered as the pall-bearers began edging forward.
Lainey nodded, and holding Julia’s hand she started to follow, but stopped as she saw Sherman, loyally walking behind the coffin.
‘It’s all right, Mum,’ Tierney sobbed as Lainey buckled. ‘It’ll be all right.’
Max’s and Stacy’s arms were around her, holding her up.
‘I’m fine,’ she tried to say, but the words wouldn’t come. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, she wanted to scream, but of course she couldn’t.
He was gone. Her wonderful, gentle, devoted father had left to be with her mother. It was where he belonged, she knew that, but how was she going to bear being without him?
The service passed in a blur as she sat with her head on Tom’s shoulder, her hand resting in his. Her eyes only left the coffin when Tom got up to speak, at length, about Peter, his friend, mentor, father-in-law and inspiration. He stirred up long-forgotten memories for many of those present, making them laugh and cry and laugh again. He spoke about Lainey and how special she had been to her father, while tactfully, if not truthfully, including her sisters. He said something about how much the best father in the world was going to be missed, and she wanted to tell him that he was that person, but realised it would have to wait until they were alone.
Two of publishing’s top executives spoke about Peter too, saying how valuable and inspirational he had been to the industry, and emphasising the importance of his legacy. Even Father Michael from her mother’s church stepped up to say a few words, followed by Bannerleigh’s local vicar. Then Max, with his guitar, sang a song he’d composed specially. Lainey could only imagine how many tears were falling; she could tell by how stiffly Tom was holding himself that he was finding this the hardest part of the service so far.
When it was finally all over and time to leav
e, Sherman was once again Lainey’s undoing, since he couldn’t be moved. He simply stood by the coffin, waiting for Peter to need him. In the end Tom had to carry him outside, and when the dear dog turned his tragic brown eyes up to Lainey, she could only hug him and sob into his fur.
‘We’ll take care of you,’ she promised brokenly, ‘just like you took care of him.’
By the time they returned to the house the sun had yielded to a bruising sky and a fine mist of drizzle. Kirsten, who’d received the devastating news, only yesterday, that the cancer had spread to her lungs, was, perversely, looking stronger than she had for some time as she waited in the marquee, having overseen the arrangements in Lainey’s absence.
Seeing her, Lainey walked into her arms and held her tight. They’d become good friends these past few months, and knowing that she was going to lose her soon, too, was proving especially difficult today. ‘Thanks for doing all this,’ she whispered, drawing back to look at her. ‘Are you OK?’
‘High as a kite.’ Kirsten tried to twinkle through her tired eyes. ‘How did the service go?’
Lainey grimaced. ‘Probably best not to ask, and definitely don’t mention Sherman.’
‘Did he go too?’
‘Yes. Poor thing, if he could have jumped into the coffin, he would have. He’s going to miss him so much. We all are, except of course he hasn’t been the dad I knew for quite some time.’
Kirsten looked up as Tierney and Julia came into the tent, followed by Tom, Zav and Sherman.
‘I didn’t feel right about leaving the dog on his own,’ Tom admitted, ‘so he’s come to join us.’
Loving him for thinking of it, Lainey stooped to give Sherman another hearty hug, while Julia went to link hands with her mother.
‘We said goodbye to Grandpa,’ she told her. ‘It was very sad.’
