Before There Was You

by Denise A. Agnew

  “Did you used to exercise too much before you retired?” Addy asked.

  “I was diligent. When I got back home, I guess I used it…I use it to blow off steam.”

  Addy tapped her chin with the pen again. “You had some deployments to war zones how many times?”

  “Two.”

  “During that time, did you see any marines killed?” Addy asked.

  Aaron winced as a stab of hot agony went through him. Not physical pain, but mental. Tears sprouted in his eyes unexpectedly and caught him off guard.

  He swallowed the moisture withe difficulty. “One.”

  “Only one? I’m surprised considering the mayhem there.” Roxanne’s voice cut through.

  Aaron’s gaze shot up to hers as shame started to erode him. “Yeah. But maybe that was enough.”

  Aaron looked for Lana, hoping the sight of her would help him keep on the straight and narrow. Lana caught his eye and gave him a soft smile. Her face, her presence, calmed the jumble of thoughts in his head.

  Addy scribbled on her notepad. “Can you tell us about that death?”

  Aaron swallowed hard again. Can I? He’d managed to tell Lana, but that was…Lana. He’d become comfortable over their short acquaintance. These people were a different story. Step up to the plate, marine. You’ll get out of this one alive only if you confess to the interrogators.

  He jumped off the ledge. “A marine committed suicide in front of me and five other marines. A sergeant with no previous record of mental problems.” He rattled off what he’d told Lana that one day, but he said even less. Just spill what you can manage. “I dream about it sometimes at night. Him pointing the gun at me first.”

  “So you think he meant to shoot you?” Addy asked.

  He shrugged. “Maybe. It runs in my head sometimes that he considered it.”

  Everyone stayed silent, and Aaron waited for their responses. He’d always been a confident man, but as his words hung in the air, he harbored fear. Fear of what, he didn’t know.

  “What a horrible thing to happen.” Richard’s voice came from the silence. “That totally sucked, man.”

  “Do you think it might be your fault he offed himself?” Magnus asked.

  A savage surge of anger boiled up inside Aaron at the man’s question, but he restrained the impulse and threw Magnus a hard look. “Family and friends never blamed me. But yeah…maybe I do blame myself a little.”

  Aaron watched Magnus’s reaction, and Magnus was true to form as he gave Aaron a tiny smile.

  “That’s ridiculous.” Lana hadn’t spoken during Aaron’s confession until now. “It wasn’t Aaron’s fault.”

  Addy cleared her throat. “There’s an exercise I’d like to propose you try at home, Aaron. Write a letter to the group. Get all the things you want to say out on paper. Bring it with you Tuesday and share it.”

  Oh, hell no. “It’s not enough that I’m telling you now?”

  Addy shifted back in her chair. “You’re giving us the unemotional aspect. I’ve seen a lot of military shut down in PTSD. Emotions can pack down and refuse to surface. It’s one of the reasons you’re dreaming what happened. You haven’t dealt with what happened. As soon as you work through those feelings, the PTSD might ease.”

  “What if all the things he saw and did during the war keep the PTSD going?” Roxanne asked. “My father was a royal mess after the Korean War and they never figured out why he was wacko.”

  Aaron winced at the woman’s wording. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

  Disapproval filled Addy’s face as she threw an impatient look at Roxanne. “There’s always the possibility that his PTSD will persist, just as it is for all of you here. But I have more hope than that. I think all of you have an excellent chance of pushing through if you keep working on it.”

  At those words, Aaron felt hope. When he glanced over at Lana, the sensation grew stronger. Maybe if he kept up this crazy gig, he could fix whatever the hell haunted him.

  Addy moved forward with the discussion. “How does that sound, Aaron?”

  Aaron groaned “I’ll do it. I’ll hate it, but I’ll do it.”

  “Should we all do that? Would it help?” Lana asked. “I mean, to write down our experiences?”

  Addy pondered a moment. “All right. It sounds good. Everyone do the same as Aaron, even if you’ve already told us part of or most of your story.”

  “Do we have to?” Magnus asked.

  Aaron gritted his teeth, but he kept quiet.

  Addy turned a patient look on Magnus. “Yes.”

  Satisfaction struck Aaron. He half-expected Addy to let the asshole get away with it.

  Lana said, “I’m looking forward to doing it. It’ll help.”

  Addy clapped her hands. “Okay, let’s move forward. Lana, I know I said we’d continue with you next week, but do you think you could finish up and tell us a little more?”

  To Aaron’s surprise, Lana answered in the positive.

  Relief eased into Aaron. Not because Lana would have to relate more of what happened to her, but that he could stop talking awhile.

  Lana shifted on her chair, discomfort of some sort on her face. He wished he’d sat close to her instead of across the room. “First I’d like to relate something I think is far more important than what happened to me in Costa Rica. Some of you may have noticed that I’m driving again. I’m no longer afraid to drive.”

  Aaron smiled and started clapping, and everyone else followed suit.

  Magnus’s voice broke in. “So how did this happen?”

  Aaron almost said something, but Addy spoke first. “I understand that Aaron was instrumental. He went with her and also followed her so she would feel comfortable driving.”

  “It’s a wonderful feeling. Thank you, Aaron.” Lana beamed at him.

  Aaron didn’t know whether he wanted the feelings swelling inside. The feeling of pride and pleasure in Lana’s accomplishment. After all, he’d vowed not to overdo their relationship when they were both so screwed up. Yet another part of him loved that she acknowledged him this way.

  Damn, MacPherson. You are so fucked.

  *

  Lana saw emotions fly over Aaron’s face, chief among them embarrassment. Damn. She’d thrown him under the bus. In a sense. She’d let everyone know they had a relationship of sorts. She reevaluated that thought. Addy knew already and others in the group probably realized it a long time ago. Still, he didn’t look pleased that she’d outed their situation.

  Addy quieted the discussion that had risen around the room. “Now that we’ve discussed your driving situation, let’s proceed. Lana, tell us about your experience in Costa Rica. Start where you left off, if you could.”

  Reality check. Time to talk about the rest of Costa Rica.

  Lana launched into the tale, feeling easier with what had happened. Her throat wasn’t tight or her heart racing. She relaxed into the chair. “Every day or so I heard that woman scream, and it sounded as if someone was torturing her. I don’t know Spanish well, so when she was actually begging, I didn’t understand everything she was saying. Every day it reminded me that if I didn’t play my cards right, that could be me screaming. Raul started to talk to me like I was human. So I drew him out. Asked him personal questions. I gauged how much I could get away with. He eased up on restrictions over time.”

  “Restrictions? What kind?” Elliot asked.

  “Much of the time they kept me handcuffed with my hands in front of me, which was at least better than behind my back. But you can imagine what a pain that was. After I’d been there a few days, Raul took the handcuffs off. My wrists were sore and it looked like I was getting an infection. He brought in an old woman with herbal medicine, and she took care of my wrist and bandaged it.”

  “That was fortunate,” Roxanne said.

  Lana had thought over and over how fortunate. “I was lucky. So damn lucky in a lot of ways. Of course I didn’t feel that way at the time. One day I heard the woman screami
ng even more than she had before. It sounded like someone was killing her. I couldn’t take it anymore.” Lana closed her eyes as she remembered pounding on the door of her hut, begging whoever to stop hurting the woman. Lana recalled the tears pouring from her as she felt the woman’s agony. “Finally I heard a shot, and the woman never screamed again.”

  “Oh, my God,” Richard said. “Oh, my God.”

  Once more the room went deathly quiet, and Lana didn’t know whether to continue. She brushed away more tears. She forced herself to continue. “That day was one of worst for me. I just heard a woman get shot and probably killed when one of Raul’s goons tried to…he attacked me inside the quarters.” Despite the seriousness of what had happened, she didn’t feel the grinding panic that had first threatened to unseat her mind whenever she thought of the incident. “I don’t know what happened.”

  “You don’t know?” Magnus sounded incredulous.

  Lana locked eyes with Magnus for a second, but switched her attention to Aaron. Aaron’s gaze caught hers and held. She saw only understanding in Aaron’s eyes, and she grasped onto that. “I fought him. I fought the man with everything I had. He didn’t have a weapon, but he was so strong. The man shoved me to the ground. I was sure he’d rape me but…”

  How did she finish this? People thought they knew the awful conclusion to what had happened to her that day. But they didn’t. No, they didn’t.

  “But?” Addy pushed the question.

  Lana shook her head and stuffed her hands into her hair. “I passed out. Went totally blank.” Lana returned her gaze to Aaron and saw the anger broiling in his eyes. He thought she’d been raped by the goon. “I woke up and the man who’d jumped me was lying on the floor of the hut. Raul had pulled him off me and broken his neck.”

  “Holy crap,” Elliot said.

  When Lana glanced around the room, it seemed as if everyone was balanced on the end of their chairs in anticipation. “I was half naked. No T-shirt or bra and my shorts pulled down my legs with my panties off. I assumed the guy had tried to…rape me.”

  “You said you weren’t raped,” Richard said.

  “Later, when I was given a medical exam, there was no evidence I had been. No signs of violence. But based on what happened next…” Discomfort returned. The faster she completed this story, the faster she’d get this whole mess behind her. “Raul saved me from rape.”

  “Fortunate that Raul pulled him off of you.” Elliot’s voice was hushed. “Very fortunate.”

  Lana glanced at Aaron. His face was solid with anger, with a desire for revenge. She knew if Raul had been there now, Aaron would have sought vengeance at the risk of his own life.

  “What happened after that?” Addy asked.

  Lana pushed herself forward, knowing she had to find a way to speak the awful truth. “Then Raul…he told me if I didn’t let him…” Shame crawled up and bit her right where it hurt. She swallowed hard. She couldn’t falter now. “He told me that if I didn’t give him oral sex, he’d…he would turn away the next time one of his men tried to rape me.”

  “Son of a bitch.” Aaron’s voice cracked like a shot. “Son of a bitch.”

  Lana flinched and tears came to her eyes. Right then a torrential rain started outside, and Lana wondered if the Earth would just open up, send a deluge, and sweep her away. Lana closed her eyes but tears escaped anyway. She wiped them from her cheeks.

  She swallowed hard and continued. “Every day after that I was required to give him oral sex. He threatened me with starvation, with beatings…everything. More than once I considered denying him, but with the brutality I’d seen him use, I decided he probably meant it.”

  Lana glanced at everyone, saw their varying degrees of reaction to the news. Elliot and Richard frowned, their expressions showing deep thought as they stared at the floor. Magnus looked almost satisfied. Bastard. Roxanne’s face didn’t show much reaction as she stared at Lana. Addy’s sympathy was clear in her creased brow and frown. Aaron looked angry enough to beat someone. As if he wanted to find Raul and personally torture him.

  Addy broke the hush as she glanced at her watch. “All right. That’s enough for today. I think Lana needs time to process this. All of us do. Besides, the weather outside is getting nasty. You all need to get home and stay safe.”

  Addy closing the session a little earlier than normal surprised Lana, but she was grateful at the same time. As people left the room and the building, Lana felt a renewal of shame that she thought she’d banished after her first round of individual therapy. She plunged into the torrential rain and hightailed it down the steps and headed for her car. She was instantly soaked.

  “Lana!” Aaron’s deep voice carried across the parking lot. “Lana, wait!”

  She reached her vehicle and turned to face him. She plastered her back against the driver’s side door. As he approached, she found tears returning to her eyes. He stopped near her, but not too close, as if he feared proximity would scare her. Shame held on, its talons sharp. She half expected him to speak, to offer platitudes. His eyes were tortured, a mix of misery she’d never seen in a man’s eyes before. Her feelings turned outward, the shame slowly ebbing as she wondered what awful thing he was experiencing right this minute. Rain ran down his face, but he didn’t seem the least fazed. And why would he be? He’d suffered through the desert, through days of heat, dust, and the stress of battle. A rainstorm wouldn’t mean much to him. Instead of speaking, he held out his right hand. She reached out and accepted it, loving the sensation of his big hand engulfing hers in heat and comfort.

  “Aaron.” What did she say? How did she explain the feelings jumping around inside her when she didn’t understand them herself?

  He drew her closer and closer, until he’d nestled her against his chest. She drew in a deep breath and released it as his hands barely pressed her against muscles taut with strength. He held her as if he could shelter her from every drop of rain. Gentleness and patience radiated from him. She nestled there, savoring his strength and taking in the beautiful comfort he offered. Then his arms came up and curled around her shoulders like a sanctuary, and he pressed his head to the top of hers. She circled his waist and held on tight. Tears rolled down her face, but in this rain he’d never know. Thunder cracked overhead, and she flinched. A sob escaped her. Damn, damn.

  Rain battered them, but in that moment she couldn’t have cared less.

  “Lana,” he said softly, barely above the sound of rain. He tilted her face up. “Come to my place and talk.”

  With no hesitation or worry, no fear that she was doing the wrong thing, she accepted. “All right.”

  Chapter 12

  Lana had never been to these apartments before. As she drew into the parking space across from Aaron’s reserved covered parking, she was grateful the rain had stopped not too long after they left the medical building. Night had fallen, and driving in heavy rain like that wouldn’t have been her favorite adventure. Aaron had given her directions to the apartment, and she’d punched it into her cell phone’s GPS. Now that she’d calmed the turmoil inside her on the drive, she wondered if she should’ve come. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him. She did. Her instinct to follow him to his apartment had been instant and certain. Second guessing herself never worked out. She drew in a deep breath and soon she was out of the car. She looked at the apartment complex with its multiple three-story buildings. The apartments were only a few years old and had a clean and upscale look.

  Aaron met her halfway across the parking lot and took her hand. While that surprised her—the holding hands part—she also loved the safe feeling.

  “How did the drive feel?” he asked.

  “Perfect. I wasn’t nervous.”

  “Good. How about entering my apartment? You’re okay with that, right?”

  “I trust you.”

  “Excellent.”

  He let them into his apartment and entered first. He flipped on the lights, and two lamps near the couch threw a soft glow ac
ross the room.

  A trashed room.

  Okay, it’s not trashed, but it’s…a mess.

  She stopped in the small foyer and glanced around with a smile. So the slightly anal, uptight super-fit marine didn’t keep a tidy place. Magazines and books littered the big dark wood coffee table, and a half-full laundry basket sat on the loveseat. A mug with a dark liquid sat on the coffee table as well. Even soft lighting couldn’t hide the non-military appearance. The open-plan kitchen, with its nice dark granite countertops and upscale stainless appliances, didn’t look too bad. No dishes stacked in the sink. The place smelled clean and fresh.

  “Crap.” He sighed. “Forgot that my place would look like an IED hit it.”

  “You said something about this in one of the sessions or when we were talking. So I’m not surprised.”

  One corner of his mouth tilted upward in a bashful smile. “You looked a little shell shocked just now.”

  She returned his grin. “After what you said, I figured it would be worse. This isn’t any worse than my apartment when it’s time to clean it up.”

  He sniffed. “Well, then. I feel better already.”

  His levity made her laugh softly, the feeling genuinely liberating. “Good. In the meantime I’m practically dripping on your foyer.”

  His gaze danced over her, hot and appreciative. Not the look she’d expect to receive considering she probably resembled a drowned rat. “Come this way. I’ve got sweats you can wear and some socks. We can hang your clothes to dry.”

  “Good idea.”

  She shucked her boots first so she didn’t track dirt across the blue carpet, and he did the same. His green T-shirt clung to his muscled torso, and his jeans were wet enough to mold his sexy backside. Her mouth practically watered as she watched him bend over slightly to pull off his athletic shoes. Muscles shifted and rippled over his back. Those long, strong thighs…God. She imagined touching them, feeling the power under her fingers. She wanted that with a strength that practically staggered her.