Before There Was You

by Denise A. Agnew

  Roxanne’s eyebrows lowered. “Yes. Tell me your sins and regrets. Don’t dally around.”

  Elliot’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, and he licked his lips. “I regret every day that I didn’t tell my wife and child how much I loved them. I was too busy running from place to place doing my own thing. I…my sin wasn’t keeping my mind on my business. If I had paid attention, I wouldn’t have hit that truck. I could have swerved and…I don’t know. They might have been hurt like I was, but I’m sure they’d be alive.” Tears suddenly washed down his face like a waterfall. Drop by drop they fell, and he didn’t lift a hand to fix them. “Maybe I deserve to…die.”

  “No,” the word slipped from Lana.

  Roxanne swung the weapon toward Lana and pointed dead on. Oh, God. Lana’s heart banged in her chest.

  Aaron said smoothly, “Easy, Roxanne. She didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “Shut up,” Roxanne said. “Your time will come soon enough.”

  Roxanne returned her attention to Elliot, the gun once more centered on him. Lana realized she was breathing harder than normal. Her chair wasn’t as close to Aaron’s as she’d like. She wanted his touch. Wanted—

  Aaron reached out and clasped Lana’s hand. Warm and strong, he squeezed her palm gently before letting go. Their gazes clashed for a moment, and Lana saw emotions flash through his eyes. Caution. Understanding. Concern. Affection. She wanted him to hold her hand, but another thought occurred to her. He would want that hand free—for what she didn’t know. What could he do against an armed woman? This wasn’t an action flick where he could whip out a hidden knife or pistol in his boot.

  “Continue, Elliot,” Roxanne said.

  Elliot shook his head. “I just…” He wiped the tears away with one hand. “I regret every single day that they’re not with me, and I’m responsible.”

  Roxanne nodded. “Very good. I like that in a person. You’re taking responsibility for what you did. But let me tell you this. It was just an accident. Probably not your fault. I’ll give you that.” She smiled. “Congratulations. You get to live.”

  When she turned the gun onto Richard, Elliot’s face visibly relaxed. Elliot propped his elbows on his legs and lowered his face into his hands. Lana couldn’t relax because Roxanne wouldn’t approve of the way someone answered and it would be lights out for them.

  “So, Richard,” Roxanne said. “Tell us like it is. What do you regret and what are your sins?”

  Richard looked even more petrified than Elliot had. He sat as stiff as a mannequin. “I…I regret that I didn’t say I love you to my wife today.”

  Roxanne wagged the gun at him like a disapproving finger. “Lame, Richard. Be original.”

  Richard’s mouth tightened in obvious anger. “It’s true. We’ve got our problems, but I’m doing this therapy to keep us together. To work on myself so I can be a better husband and a better person.”

  “That’s all you’ve got Richard?” Roxanne sounded disdainful. “You can do better.”

  Richard drew in a deep breath—Lana saw his chest rise and fall with it.

  “All right. There’s a sin I haven’t mentioned. When they…when my parents first adopted Akiko, I hated her. I hated her more than anything. It…” Richard swallowed so hard Lana heard it. “When she died, I thought maybe I was responsible. That I’d caused it by the way I thought about her. The hate was so powerful. If I could, I’d go back and change all of that. I didn’t hate Akiko, I was just jealous of all the attention she got.”

  Roxanne looked impressed. “Very good, Richard. That’s honest. I can tell you’re telling the truth. Congratulations. You also live.”

  Roxanne shifted and sat casually, as if she was attending a high tea. She leveled the gun on Addy. “You’re next. Though I imagine it will be hard for you to acknowledge regret or sin. You’re a saint, aren’t you?”

  Addy wagged her head in disagreement. “No, of course not. Everyone has regrets and sins.”

  “Don’t try to psychobabble your way out of this one. Put down the damned notepad and pen. You can’t possibly be making notes about this.” Roxanne’s eyes turned hard as stone chips. “Tell us your regrets. You’ve got to have a bunch.”

  Addy’s expression stayed calm, if you didn’t look at her eyes. In her eyes Lana saw unbridled fear. Addy complied and placed the notepad and pen down on the floor next to her chair. “As you wish.”

  “Don’t give me the high and mighty, Addy. Just tell me your regrets and sins. And don’t screw it up,” Roxanne said.

  Addy held up one hand. “Of course.” She licked her lips. “Well, I’m sure I have a multitude. I suppose there’s one I can count as a huge regret and a big sin all at once. When I was six, I almost smothered my baby sister.”

  A collective intake of breath went around the room. Even Lana couldn’t believe that one. Was Addy making it up to sound good?

  “Really? That’s juicy. Tell us more,” Roxanne said.

  Addy looked at the floor, and when she lifted her gaze, determination and fear resided there. “It’s true. I was so jealous of her and all the attention she got, I went in her room one night when everyone else was asleep. I’d taken one of my pillows with me. I placed the pillow over her mouth and nose, but she woke up and let out this bloodcurdling scream. It terrified me so much I ran back to my room next door before my parents showed up. I crawled into bed, disgusted and sick to my stomach that I’d almost done something so horrible. I realized then I loved my baby sister and that I could never try and harm her again. For years afterward my sister couldn’t sleep with the light off, and to this day she has a phobia of…smothering.”

  Roxanne smirked, but her aim at Addy never wavered. “I’ll bet you never told her, did you?”

  “No. How could I? That was my sin. The worst thing I’ve ever thought of doing.”

  “Hmm.” Roxanne appeared to be pondering. “I suppose that’s a good enough regret. It sure as hell is a sin. Call her.”

  Surprise ran across Addy’s face. “What?”

  “Call her right now. And don’t try calling the police or some other stupid number. You do, and I’ll have to shoot someone,” Roxanne said.

  Lana’s stomach tossed, and for a moment she felt physically ill. She put a hand to her mouth, afraid she’d toss her cookies. She looked at Aaron, but he was fixated on Roxanne’s every move.

  Addy reached into her tote bag and brought out a cell phone. She pressed a couple of buttons and held the phone to her ear. She waited, licking her lips again and again. Lana felt her nervousness from across the room.

  A second later Addy held the phone away from her ear. “It’s going to her voice mail.”

  Roxanne reached out. “Give me the phone. What’s her name?”

  “Dana Cuthbert,” Addy said as she complied.

  After fumbling with the phone a minute, Roxanne actually put the phone down in her lap. For a wild second Lana wondered if anyone would try and tackle the woman. Probably a bad idea. Just as quickly Roxanne lifted the gun again while she put the cell to her ear and listened.

  A few moments later, she handed the phone back to Addy. “Oh well. Can’t win them all. I think you’re telling the truth. Interesting tale, though. You’re every bit as screwed up as the rest of us. Did you become a therapist to atone for your sin?”

  Addy nodded. “Maybe.”

  “Hmm. Maybe. Gotta love how you answered that. You’re just as obtuse as all the other people in this room, aren’t you?”

  Addy kept her voice quiet, almost too low to hear. “Yes. I’m human.”

  Roxanne shook her head and made a sound of disgust. “La de da. Let’s move on. I’m tired of you. But you’re lucky. You get to live.”

  Next the gun landed on Magnus. “Your turn, darling boy.”

  Magnus blanched again, his face a mask of fear. “What? I mean, I’ve told everyone here—”

  “That’s shit, darling boy, and you know it.” Roxanne pointed the gun at him and waggled it lik
e an accusing finger. “All you’ve done is bitch, moan, complain, and act like a toddler who thinks he deserves all the toys. I’ve listened to enough of it in this group to know.”

  Lana couldn’t believe this. Especially Roxanne’s hostility toward Magnus. After Roxanne’s original defense of him, it took Lana by complete surprise.

  Magnus’s shell-shocked expression didn’t change. His mouth stayed open, his eyes wide with fear. “I swear, Roxanne, I’ve never disrespected you.”

  Roxanne laughed. “Disrespect. I’m starting to hate that word. It’s way overused. Dissed. Disrespected isn’t really a word anyway, did you know that? It’s trendy. I hate when words are overused and trendy. Stop saying it or I’ll just have to shoot you on principle.”

  Magnus nodded vigorously. “Okay. Okay. Whatever you want.”

  Roxanne’s eyes glittered with wicked amusement. “You really are a pathetic man.” She turned her gaze to everyone else but kept her weapon on Magnus. “Talk about needing to confess. You wouldn’t believe what he did for me.”

  “Don’t tell them.” Magnus’s plea sounded desperate and hoarse.

  Roxanne chuckled, the sound rife with genuine amusement. “I love it when a wimp gets what he deserves. Here’s what he did—”

  “No!” Magnus stood up.

  Lana’s heart leaped as Roxanne leveled the gun on him with both hands. “Sit. Down. Or die.”

  Magnus dropped into his chair like a stone from a great height. His face filled with panic. Lana half expected him to start whimpering. Hell, she felt like whimpering.

  “Now,” Roxanne said as she relaxed her arm, “this is what he did for me. We started talking, and I realized how crazy he is. How weird. He’s totally messed up, but then I’m not telling you anything you don’t know, right? I’m good, always have been, at telling what weaknesses people have and capitalizing on it. It was obvious he’s one of these narcissistic chumps who thinks that because bad things happened to him everyone should feel sorry for him. So I pretended to be sympathetic to him.”

  “Why would you do that?” Addy asked, puzzlement in her eyes.

  Roxanne snorted in contempt. “I figured I’d get some sex out of it, but it wasn’t even worth it. I’ve had affairs with much younger men before. This sex was awful. I threw him off me and he had to go jack himself off.”

  Lana winced at Roxanne’s brutal and tactless words. Magnus looked devastated, as if she’d just taken a teddy bear away from him. For a second Lana almost felt sorry for him.

  “It doesn’t matter.” Roxanne shrugged. “This whole thing is over now, anyway. It’s not like I can fix what’s happened. I amused myself with him, and now I’m taking drastic measures to get out of this mess.”

  “Why?” Aaron asked, his deep voice quiet.

  Roxanne kept her weapon on Magnus, thank goodness.

  “Because you all heard the truth, that I wanted to ruin this little pea-brained idiot of a man and smear him for being the creep he is. Because I’m damned tired of therapy not working, for people not understanding me, not understanding my pain. So I have to end it right here.” Roxanne’s voice dropped. “End the misery.”

  Sweat trickled down Lana’s back. She rubbed her right palm against her jean-clad thigh to wipe away the stickiness. Her throat was tight. “How?”

  “You’re worried about that, aren’t you, little girl?” Roxanne shrugged. “You’ll have to wait and see with everyone else. You know, I actually like you a bit. You’re pretty genuine. And so is your boyfriend here. He seems like a standup guy. It’s the rest of you that are fake as hell.”

  “I don’t think anyone here is fake,” Lana said, almost wincing as she challenged the older woman. “Everyone has suffered. All we want to do is find our way out. To heal.”

  Roxanne shook her head as she turned the gun away from Magnus. For a glimmer Roxanne’s eyes reflected equal understanding and a humanity Lana didn’t expect.

  “You might be here for that reason,” Roxanne said. “I think there’s at least two of us who aren’t trying to heal. We’re too screwed up. I think we need to finish this very soon. But you and Mr. Marine here haven’t told us your biggest sin. So tell us what your biggest sin is, Lana.”

  Lana thought she might choke on fear as Roxanne leveled her weapon on the center of Lana’s chest. What if Roxanne thought her explanation was lame? Cold chills raced across Lana. Aaron’s hand tightened on Lana’s gently, and a semblance of calm settled over her. She swallowed the tension.

  “My biggest sin is that I couldn’t save the woman who was murdered in the camp in Costa Rica,” Lana said. “I often feel like there’s something I could have said to save her. I asked about her a couple of times, I begged Raul to let the woman come into my hut so we could talk. He refused. I guess you could call it survivor’s guilt.”

  Roxanne nodded, the gun still steady on Lana. “I could see how that would happen. Someone like you would feel bad. And you aren’t embellishing this with tears and extra drama. That’s good. You get to live.”

  Lana trembled, her insides gelatin as Roxanne announced the verdict. Aaron’s hand caressed hers gently as he released it. She glanced over at him, wondering why he’d let go. His gaze tangled with hers a second before he returned his attention to the gun-toting woman.

  Roxanne shifted her gun to Aaron. “So it’s your chance now, Mr. Marine. Tell us your biggest sin.”

  Tingles of dread raced up and down Lana’s body. God, please let whatever he says be good enough for Roxanne.

  Aaron kept his solid-as-stone face. He didn’t look the least fazed by the threat of death. “My biggest sin is not seeing that Fillman needed help. I fucked up. So did everyone else who knew him. We didn’t see between the lines. There weren’t any overt signs, but it goes to show how disconnected we were from each other.”

  “Oh, come on.” Roxanne’s doubt came across in every syllable. “I’ve always heard marines would die for their buddies.”

  Aaron folded his hands in his lap, a very passive and non-threatening look as he stretched his legs out and crossed them at the ankles. “We would. In a firefight, any one of us would have put ourselves on the line for the other. We just didn’t see the little things that may have warned us he planned to off himself. He stayed to himself a lot. He was quiet, he did his job extremely well. We just didn’t take our time to reach out to him, to include him.”

  Roxanne narrowed her eyes. “So he was the poor baby and you all should feel sorry for him? Maybe, maybe, maybe this and maybe that? Give me a break, Mr. Marine. You can’t fix everyone. You can try your best, but that’s it. I’d say you did your best. So stop guilting yourself for what happened to him. Get a life and keep it. You get to live.”

  Aaron’s brow furrowed a little, but he didn’t speak or move. Relief spilled into Lana and shook her to the core. Aaron reached for Lana’s hand again.

  “What now?” Aaron said.

  Roxanne’s eyes turned almost sad, as if she was sorry the game had ended. What amazed Lana the most is that they’d survived. So far.

  Roxanne turned toward Magnus. “I should kill you.”

  “Wait.” Aaron’s voice rang around the room. “Have mercy on him. He doesn’t deserve this.”

  Roxanne didn’t take her attention off Magnus. Tears trickled down Magnus’s face, and he started to sob. Sympathy welled inside Lana for Magnus’s fear, the same gut-wrenching emotion that made Lana’s stomach roll and pitch from side to side.

  “Yeah, you’re right.” Roxanne sighed. “He’s too pathetic. It would make me look like the bad guy.”

  Aaron held his other hand up. “You can walk away from this. You can get help.”

  Roxanne snorted loudly. “Yeah, right. What the hell does it look like I was trying to do?”

  “You’re hurting.” Aaron’s tone was even and soft. “Stay in this group with us and we can help each other. Give me a chance. Give everyone a chance to help.”

  Roxanne laughed. “Mr. Marine, that’s a g
ood try. I’ll give it to you, you really are trying to help. It’s a little too late, though. But don’t worry, don’t blame yourself. This isn’t a situation where you need to take responsibility for the outcome when it’s over. Like I said, some people are broken and can’t be fixed. Congratulations to all of you. You get to live. I don’t.”

  Lana saw what Roxanne planned to do, rolling out in slow motion as Roxanne brought her weapon up to her temple.

  “No!” The collective denial burst from several people at once.

  All of it mixed together as Lana turned her gaze away and hid her eyes with her hand. A shot rang out. The sound of a body slumping and falling to the floor.

  “Oh, shit!” Elliot said something first.

  “Oh, my God.” Addy’s voice trembled. “See if she’s still…”

  “She’s not,” Richard said in a clipped tone.

  Voices mixed together, Aaron’s order that no one touch anything. Magnus sobbed louder. Richard’s voice telling 911 what had happened. A second later Lana lowered her hand from her eyes, but looked only at Aaron’s tight face. He turned toward her, and as he stood, he drew her up and into his arms. She buried her head against his shoulder. His hand covered the back of her head. Big gulps of air came in, but she couldn’t slow her breathing at first. She soaked in the heat and strength of his embrace.

  “Easy, baby.” Aaron’s voice rumbled softly in Lana’s ear. The strength of his arms wrapped her in safety. “We’re safe now.”

  * * * *

  Aaron’s phone rang, and he snagged it out of his jeans pocket. His mother’s name flashed on the screen.

  Nine p.m. had come and gone and the detectives hadn’t released anyone from the therapy site. They’d all been sequestered in a room away from Roxanne’s body and questioned individually in another room. Everyone learned Magnus had a toy gun in his pack. He’d planned on getting sympathy by holding a fake gun to his head. Roxanne had obviously ruined the plan when she’d preempted him with the real thing. The cops had stayed cool and hadn’t said what Aaron knew they had to be thinking. Magnus and Roxanne’s relationship had been truly fucked up.