I thanked Mr. Wright for everything and left his office. And as soon as I got back to my desk, I went online to check out some of the other positions available at the college. After almost fourteen years of not needing a job, I had to update my résumé, so I sat at my desk doing just that. I also checked out other job opportunities online and jotted down a few that I was interested in. My head started to hurt so I downed two aspirin and headed for the bathroom. My urine just kept on flowing, but the discharge had lightened up a bit. Under enormous pressure, I splashed water on my face and rubbed my temples. My life sure was getting shitty, and for a forty-year-old, I expected it to be so much better. God promised not to put any more on me than I couldn’t bear, but I had my doubts. I felt as if I was at my breaking point and the stress was unbelievable. Yes, I’d brought some of this on myself, but a lot of it had been put on me by some of the people in my life. If push came to shove, I’d have to ask Reggie for a job at his business and pretty much go from there. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but it was still an option.
When I got home that evening, I sat in the family room, searching for more job opportunities on the Internet. I occasionally sipped from my glass of wine and ate on the cheese and crackers that were next to me. Because of my situation, I’d gotten up enough nerve to call Reggie, just in case I needed him.
“Something has to be wrong. You haven’t called me since—”
“I know. I’ve been busy and I haven’t had time to reply to any of your messages.”
“That’s why I stopped leaving them. I was calling about your alimony payments, and I hope you’ve been getting them in the mail.”
“Yes, I have. And thank you for being on time, it really helps.”
“No problem. So . . . what’s been up with you? You still hanging out with you-know-who?”
I was not about to tell Reggie the truth. “Sort of. We’ve been cooling out for a while because I’ve been so busy with work. My job is coming to an end, and Mr. Wright’s been having me kind of busy.”
“What? You’re losing your job?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Dee, I’m sorry to hear that. You know I’ll do what I can to help you, but the housing market hasn’t been doing well either. I had to lay off some folks, but I just sold one of my rental properties. Years ago, it was worth $145,000 dollars. I had to sell it for almost half of that. You know you got some money coming from that, and when the deal is finalized, I’ll make sure you get it.”
“Thank you. I can use all I can get.”
“Well, look at it this way . . . the house is paid for and you’ll always have a roof over your head. If there’s one good thing we can account for during our marriage, it’s that we had sense enough to pay off our home. Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of good things about our marriage, but that was one of the smarter moves.”
I nodded, and since Reggie was making cutbacks at work, I changed the subject. “I agree. And while we’re on the subject, if there were a lot of good things in our marriage, how did you manage to fall out of love with me?”
My question must have caught Reggie off guard. I rarely questioned him about his decision, and when he asked for a divorce, I in no way fought it. I didn’t understand why I was asking now, but I guess a part of me wanted to know why I was having such difficulties with men.
“Let’s just say that you did your part, but I didn’t do mine. We got married at a young age, Dez, and I always felt as if I was missing something. I wasn’t proud about it, but I starting cheating on you and basically had no regrets. I may have fallen out of love with you, but I loved you enough to end it. I couldn’t go on living that way, and you didn’t deserve that.”
“Why do men cheat, Reggie? Give me your honest opinion and maybe it’ll help me understand things a little better.”
“To sum it up, fear. I always had this fear of being a man, taking care of my wife and being there for my son. There was something inside of me, and it’s still inside of me, where I can’t get the concept of fully committing myself to a woman and being all that she needs me to be. See, this wasn’t about you. We’re not together and I’m still dealing with this. Most men have that same fear, but they won’t admit it. I know that I will not be 100 percent fulfilled until I find a woman who is capable of helping me overcome my fear. Will that ever happen, I don’t know. But my hat goes off to the men who’ve overcome. There’s a certain aura about those men, and they tend to live some of the happiest and most fulfilled lives. Look at our president . . . he’s a good example. I wanna get there too, baby, but unfortunately, I’m not there yet.”
“So, I didn’t help you overcome your fear.”
“No. And even though you put everything you did into our marriage, I cannot answer why that fear of mine never, ever went away. It’s something about me, Dez, which I have to figure out. I got six months to do it, and I’ll be giving this marriage thing another shot.”
I wasn’t sure that I heard him correctly. “Did you say you’re getting married again?”
“Yeah. I—”
“But you just told me that you haven’t overcome your fear.”
“I haven’t. But I can’t let that stop me. I gotta try.”
“Reggie, you’re going to wind up back in the same situation. Is Yvette the lucky one this time, or the Asian woman you’ve been seeing? Lord knows who else.”
“It’s somebody else. You haven’t met her, but we’ve been dating for about a year.”
I couldn’t believe what Reggie was telling me. He was all over the place and I hoped like hell that Latrel wouldn’t wind up like him. And even though his news was a surprise, my failed marriage was starting to feel better as time went on.
“Congrats. You know I wish you well.”
“Same here.”
We ended our call and my headache was going even stronger. I headed for bed and slept like a baby.
The day of reckoning had finally come. Thus far, my week had delivered major setbacks and the news about Reggie getting married had me on edge. I was so angry, and when I thought about all of the years I’d put into my job, I was upset about that too. I was definitely on a roll, but did my best to prepare for this moment.
I sat on the examination table with my hands clinched together, praying that everything would be okay. During the examination, my gynecologist talked about STDs and wanted me to get a HPV test. She had me nervous as hell and I started to bite my nails one by one. I envisioned Roc having sex with many women and wanted to kill him for what he’d done to me that day. No doubt, my insides hadn’t felt right since then and I had to face the fact that something was up.
Finally, my doctor came back into the room, exposing a smile on her face.
She pulled up a chair beside me, crossing her legs. “I’m sorry it took me so long, Desa Rae, but the office is pretty crowded. I’ve sent your specimens out for lab work to be done, but in the meantime, sweetie, you’re going to have yourself a baby.”
Now, I know I didn’t hear what this woman had said. My face scrunched up and I shook my head from side to side. “A what? No, I’m not pregnant. There’s no way. I just got off my period, and haven’t been sick or anything.”
“The tests revealed that you are. You said yourself that you’ve been having headaches, you’re discharging and urinating a lot. Women have many different symptoms, but all of those apply. It’s possible for you to have your period and still be pregnant. Eventually, that should stop or began to get lighter.”
“But Dr. Gray, I am forty years old. How could I—”
“It is very realistic for a woman in her early forties to have babies. Some women wait until then. I recommend that you increase your exercise a bit and give up on eating so much chocolate,” she laughed. “At this point, I don’t see this pregnancy being a huge risk for you. You gotta keep your stress levels down, though, and like any woman, I know how much the changes in your body concern you.”
I dropped my head into my hands and clos
ed my eyes. “Trust me, my body is the least of my worries.” God, why are you doing this to me, I thought. Are you punishing me for something I did? What?
For a while, I stayed and talked to my doctor about my options. I had always been against abortions, but being faced with a situation like this, I wasn’t sure what I’d do. I left her office more worried than ever, and with me losing my job, how could I even provide for this baby? Besides that, I didn’t want to do this alone. I had to restore my relationship with Roc, and I couldn’t believe how lonely I felt without him around. I missed having fun, and my boring life made me feel as if I were getting older. No, he was in no way perfect, but our baby needed a father. I had doubts about what kind of father he would be, and the more I thought about it, he was on my shit list for putting me in this predicament. I should have taken my butt back to the office that day, instead of going inside of that car wash complaining. Or I could thank Monica for dragging me out to the club that night. The moment I saw him again, I knew he would serve some kind of purpose in my life. Good or bad . . . I wasn’t sure yet.
It was Friday, and I had to motivate myself to get up and go to work. Since Mr. Wright had hit me with the news about losing my job, I really didn’t want to be there. Basically, I had no choice, and each time I touched my belly, I knew I had to keep it moving. The incident with Roc took place in late January, so I figured I was almost two months or a little more. I had an appointment set up with my doctor for an ultrasound and that would give me an idea as to when to expect my baby. Since the doctor had hit me with the news, I hadn’t been getting much sleep at all. I hadn’t told anyone yet and I wasn’t even sure how Latrel would feel about having a sibling. I wasn’t sure about telling Roc anything, and the last time I’d heard from him was when we were at Target that day. I guess our discussion about STD’s scared him away, because he sure hadn’t reached out to me since then.
As the end of the day neared, my assumption about Roc was short-lived. The receptionist transferred a call to me and it was him.
“Is the verdict in yet? Am I in trouble or not?” he asked.
“Big . . . gigantic, massive, gargantuan, colossal trouble.”
“Ah, shit. That bad, huh?”
“I’m afraid so. Tell me this . . . how many women did you have unprotected sex with when you were with me? I really need to know the truth because you may have to contact a lot of people.”
He was silent for a moment, then spoke up. “I—I, uh, shit I ain’t have unprotected sex with nobody. I had sex with three, four, maybe five women, but nothin’ was on the regular. Those were stick-and-move situations and I was always strapped up. Why you puttin’ me on the spot, though? We ain’t never make no commitments, did we? I don’t see how you got somethin’ and you might want to call up old boy.”
“No need to because I hadn’t gone there at all. You know I’d only been with you, and for the record, if all of those women gave you head, you could still have something, you know?”
Roc’s response was delayed again. “A’ight, stop with the lecture. Did I give you somethin’? Man, you got me over here feelin’ like shit. I don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah, I got something. And it’s something I can’t get rid of.”
“Herpes?” he shouted.
“Nope. Why don’t you do me a favor and start asking around? Maybe one of your multiple sex partners can tell you what it is.”
“Dez, don’t play with me. I’m coming over tonight. I don’t care what you say and you gon’ tell me what the fuck is up.”
“Good, I look forward to seeing you. When I leave here, I’m stopping at Schnucks and I should be home by six.”
Roc hung up and I couldn’t help but laugh. I was so sure numerous phone calls were being made.
Traffic was crammed, and by the time I made it to Schnucks, it was already five o’clock. Because of the baby, I had to be even more health conscious than ever. I had already made my grocery list, which started with the fruit and vegetables section. I picked up two bags of mixed fruits and made my way over to the packages of lettuce so I could make a salad. As I sorted through them, I felt someone rub my butt, causing me to quickly turn around. It was Roc and I instantly let out a sigh of relief.
“Are you stalking me? Every time I turn around, you’re there.”
“Nice ass, and hell no I ain’t stalkin’ you. Didn’t you tell me you were comin’ here?”
“Yes, but I also told you to meet me at my place, not at the grocery store.”
“I was already in yo’ hood, so why wait?”
I rolled my eyes and got back to my shopping. Roc followed me around, throwing things in my cart as well. He even tossed in several boxes of condoms.
“Can’t forget those,” he said.
“Yeah, right. I’m not convinced.”
He laughed. “You should be. Now, what you gon’ cook for me tonight? How ’bout some of those steaks and shrimps you cooked that day?”
I stood in the frozen food section, looking over the Hungry Jack dinners. “I’m not cookin’ at all tonight.” I put one of the dinners in the cart. “You can eat this.”
“No thanks,” he said, putting it back. He went right to the meat and seafood sections to get his steak and shrimps. “I’ll cook these for me and you ain’t gettin’ nothin’.”
I tossed my hand back at him and went into the cereal aisle. I contemplated on Special K or Froot Loops. “Which one?” I said, folding my arms in thought. Roc grabbed both boxes, including a box of Apple Jacks for him. The same thing went down in the ice cream section. I couldn’t decide on chocolate or strawberry. I know my doctor told me to cut back, but if she thought I was going to give up my chocolates, she was crazy. If anything, I had to commit to spending more time at the gym.
Roc put both containers of ice cream in the cart and added a gallon of black walnut ice cream. I looked at the full cart and snapped my finger as I turned to him.
“Say, I forgot to ask, did you get a chance to find out about what we discussed earlier?”
“No. And we ain’t gon’ talk about that up in here. Keep switchin’ that ass up and down these aisles so my dick can keep smilin’. It damn sho ain’t contaminated, and like I said before, you might wanna start diggin’ those skeletons out of yo’ closet.”
I had one more aisle to go to, and I was sure Roc would be able to assist me with this one. I stood with my hand on my hip, scanning over the numerous rows of baby food, formula, and pampers.
“Let’s see,” I said as if I were in deep thought. “What kind of formula do I—”
“What you drinkin’ baby formula or somethin’? Or you tryin’ to hook up one of yo’ friends?”
“No, nothing like that.” I picked up a can of formula, turning it to read the label on the back. “Yep, this would be for newborns,” I said, putting the can into the cart.
I looked at Roc and smiled, but he seemed clueless.
“What?” he said. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
I picked up a bag of newborn pampers and whistled as I tossed them into the cart. “Do you think those will work? If anything, I just hope they’re affordable,” I asked.
Roc shrugged his shoulders. “Shit, I guess they’ll work. And affordable for who, you?”
“No, not me, you.”
I looked into Roc’s eyes again, but this time he stared back. His hands went up to the back of his head and he turned around. “Ohh, shit! How could I be so stupid!” He swung around to face me. “Earlier you said that you got somethin’ you can’t get rid of. You fuckin’ with me in this baby aisle and shit—Dez, baby, please tell me. You pregnant?”
Roc was so loud and I now figured this was a pretty bad idea. It was too late to change my mind, so I slowly nodded. He tightened his fists and turned back around. “Hell, yes!” he shouted as if he were Tiger Woods putting the ball in at the eighteenth hole for the win. “Fuck yeah, ma!” He swung back around to face me. “Why—when—why you fuck with me l
ike that? Baby, I’ve been goin’ through some shit all day, and this the kind of shit that brings happiness to a nigga! Yes!”
I hadn’t gotten a chance to say anything, and it was interesting to watch Roc express himself. He picked up several bags of pampers, throwing them into the cart. “Hell yeah I can afford this shit. And then some. I ain’t gon’ argue with you ’bout this either and my li’l nigga will have nothin’ but the best.”
Problem numbers one and two had already arose. I was sure there were more to come, but I wasn’t going to accept Roc’s money to take care of our baby, and my child was not going to be referred to, especially by his father, as a nigga. For now, he was so happy and I wasn’t going to steal his joy.
“What’s wrong?” he said, easing his arm around my waist. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I’m just glad to see you so happy, that’s all.”
“I’m ecstatic,” he assured, then licked his lips. “Ca—can I kiss you right now? I know you still got some issues with me, but I promise you—”
I wasn’t up to hearing broken promises, so I leaned in to kiss him. Admittedly, I enjoyed our kiss together, and his soft lips felt perfect against mine. We were known for having lengthy kisses and this particular one was not cut short. My eyes were closed and when Roc held the sides of my face, that’s when I opened my eyes.
“You changin’ my life for the best, ma. I love you for that shit and I know my baby gon’ have the best mother in the world. It gon’ have a good daddy too and I know I gotta start makin’ things right. I’m workin’ on it, but give me some time, a’ight?”
“I plan to. But please don’t disappoint me, okay?”
Roc nodded and we headed to the cashier, along with all of the things he’d put in the cart for our baby.
“Say man,” he said to a white man standing in line with us. “She havin’ my baby. I just found out and that shit tight, ain’t it?”
The man gave Roc a pat on his back and smiled at me. “Congratulations. That’s good news.”
I cut my eyes at Roc, and as the cashier waited on us, he announced the news to her as well. “Yeah, she just told me and I got a li’l shorty on the way,” he said, pulling out a wad of money to pay for the items. His hand could barely stay gripped around the stash.
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