by Anne Enright
I wake again and can not tell if the light outside is morning light or afternoon. I jab my thumb into the spongy buttons of the remote to find the time on the TV news. It is half past six in the evening. I have slept for eight hours. I turn to sleep again, then reach in a panic to ring the girls.
Tom answers the phone.
‘Darling. Hi. Where are you?’ Very calm and level.
‘Will you put Rebecca on?’ I say and realise, in the pause that follows, that it is quite within his power to say no.
‘Hello.’ She sounds so much younger than herself.
‘Hello, sweetie.’
‘Where are you?’
‘Are you all right?’ I say. ‘I’ll be home soon.’
‘Oh. OK.’ Quite cheerful. This is not her responsibility. Quite right too.
‘Put your sister on.’
Emily breathes down the line.
‘Hiya,’ I say. ‘Hiya.’
More breathing. It is a protracted business, for Emily, the phone. (‘You’re not here,’ she said to me once. ‘I am here.’) This time she has figured out what the damn thing is for. Just about.
‘Mummy?’
‘Yes, sweetie.’
‘I give you a word,’ she says. ‘And that word is “love”.’
‘Yes,’ I say finally. ‘Yes. That’s a good word to give.’
‘Bye bye!’ And to save me the bother, she slaps down the phone.
Emily. I do not know if the child is brilliant or odd – she can’t make things connect up, somehow, but when they do it is always amazing. So I am not worried about her, I think, before realising that, actually, I am in Gatwick airport. I have run away from my daughter. I have left her behind.
But there is no leaving the girls, they are always with me. I turn in to the covers and feel for the fine hair of Rebecca fanned out on the pillow, where she sometimes likes to curl up beside me; the cat’s gaze of her sister watching from elsewhere in the room. They are so beautiful. Wherever I touch, I can conjure the silk of their hair, and think it a great and quiet victory to have them in the world.
Rebecca Mary and Emily Rose. They stay with me now in my sleep. They are quite patient. They turn away for a while, and let me be.
I wake again, and shower. I put on new pants and leave the old ones in the bin. I discard this other life, and leave the hotel behind.
Outside, I am surprised to find that I am still in an airport, that the dream goes on. I have travelled for so long and I am still here.
Palma
Barcelona
Mombasa
Split
From the departures board, all the places I have never been are beckoning to me like streetwalkers, blank to my desire.
Fuerteventura
Vilnius
Pula
Cork
Such strumpery. The people around me, quite rightly, ignore them and shop instead. I follow them in the glass lift to the next floor, and look in Accessorize for something small for each of the girls, something sparkling or floral. I look at the people queuing at the till, and I wonder are they going home, or are they going far away from the people they love. There are no other journeys. And I think we make for peculiar refugees, running from our own blood, or towards our own blood; pulsing back and forth along ghostly veins that wrap the world in a skein of blood. This is what I am thinking, as I stand in the queue in the Gatwick Village branch of Accessorize with my two pairs of flipflops, that sport at the plastic cleft a silk orchid for Emily, and for Rebecca a peony rose. I am thinking about the world wrapped in blood, as a ball of string is wrapped in its own string. That if I just follow the line I will find out what it is that I want to know.
Towards or away.
The temptation to go back to the hotel is very strong, but I force myself to sit awhile in the concourse on the departures floor, thinking I might choose a destination by check-in zone, knowing that I am going nowhere, but home.
Nice
Djerba
Edinburgh
Dublin
Where is Djerba, anyway?
And this time the plane will land properly. I just feel it didn’t land properly, the last time I flew into Dublin. Kitty was weeping beside me, and Liam was sitting there accusing me, and the place we touched down in wasn’t the place I used to know. Perhaps none of it was real. I feel like I have spent the last five months up in the air.
I ring Kitty, suddenly.
‘Are you all right?’ I say.
‘Sorry?’
‘Are you all right?’ And for a second, I think she knows what I am talking about.
‘Yes, I’m all right. Are you all right?’
‘Yes, I am. Yes, me too.’
And we talk on about other things.
I know what I have to do – even though it is too late for the truth, I will tell the truth. I will get hold of Ernest and tell him what happened to Liam in Broadstone, and I will ask him to break this very old news to the rest of the family (but don’t tell Mammy!) because I can not do it myself, I do not have the arguments for it. I just couldn’t face Bea’s disapproval, or Ita’s dank sorrow, or Ivor, crisply saying, ‘How come you guys had all the fun?’ God, I hate my family, these people I never chose to love, but love all the same.
And what a pathetic attempt this is, at running away from them all. Gatwick bloody airport. I should be in Barcelona, looking for a sign. I should be walking the streets of Paris waiting to be found; some man who will walk up to me and say, ‘I have been expecting you for so long,’ and later, weeks later, I will watch some children playing in the Luxembourg Gardens and start up with the cry, ‘No! No! This can not be.’
But I do not want a different destiny from the one that has brought me here. I do not want a different life. I just want to be able to live it, that’s all. I want to wake up in the morning and fall asleep at night. I want to make love to my husband again. Because, for every time he wanted to undo me, there was love that put me back together again – put us both back together. If I could just remember them too. If I could remember each time, as you remember different places you have seen – some of them so amazing; exotic, or confusing, or still. If I could say this is what it was like the time Rebecca was started, or Emily made herself known. Or once, I remember, some afternoon, when he sat at the end of the bed in the white curtains’ light, and he looked like someone I knew from the very beginning, whenever the beginning might have been.
I stand in the queue for tickets and I have to close my eyes suddenly. I stand there with my lids squeezed shut, my driver’s licence tight in my hand, and my hand pressed against the lurching, empty feeling in my stomach – the future, come back to annoy me. Some new soul, with eyes like plums.
A boy.
Hey, Tom, let’s have this next baby. Just this one. The one whose name I already know. Oh, go on. It’ll cheer you up, no end.
Well, yes.
And though it would be amazing to have another child, this is not what I want most as I stand in the queue in Gatwick airport with my eyes closed: a woman with no luggage, no sharp objects, and nothing I haven’t packed myself. I just want to be less afraid. That’s all. Because it is fear that I feel as I wait to go up to the lip of the counter for a flight out today or, if the price is too extortionate, first thing tomorrow. I do not know if I can get up those tin steps and on to the plane.
Gatwick airport is not the best place to be gripped by a fear of flying. But it seems that this is what is happening to me now; because you are up so high, in those things, and there is such a long way to fall. Then again, I have been falling for months. I have been falling into my own life, for months. And I am about to hit it now.
Thanks to Sinéad for checking my Irish, and to Mary Chamberlain for checking everything else. Thanks, as ever, to Robin Robertson and Gill Coleridge.
Anne Enright
Bray, 2006
