2025: This one’s probably going to be a musical. Deal with it.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Jack and Diane 2017
Little ditty ’bout Jack and Diane,
Two American folks going broke in the heartland.
Jack never was a football star,
Diane got pregnant back seat of Jackie’s car.
Cookin’ up chili dogs inside the Tastee-Freez
Diane says, “It’s all I can get, despite my two degrees.”
Jackie says, “Hey, Diane, let’s run off behind that shady tree,
Hide away from that repo man who’s coming for me.”
And Jackie say:
Oh yeah, life went on
Right up until our credit was gone.
Oh yeah, I say life went on
Right up until our credit was gone.
Jackie sits back, reflects his thoughts for a moment,
Scratches his head and looks at Diane’s pay.
“Well, you know, Diane, what’s this here big fat zero?”
Diane says, “Baby, that’s our 401(k).”
Jackie say:
Oh yeah, life was great
Until the lapse of our teaser rate
Oh yeah, I said life had hope
Until all three of our Visas maxed out.
Let the market drop,
Let it crash,
Let your zero-down mortgage bite you
In the ass,
Hold off foreclosure as long as you can,
Changes come around real soon make you sleep in a van.
Little ditty ’bout Jack and Diane,
Two American folks doin’ the best they can.
Tough Question: What would it take for a future winner of People’s Sexiest Man Alive title to go down in history as the very sexiest Sexiest Man Alive ever?
It’s not as easy as it looks. There’s a big fuss every November when People magazine names its Sexiest Man Alive. Then the hype fades and the hard work begins. Upon being sworn into office, each new Sexiest Man has only a year to implement his agenda to advance sexiness at home and abroad—while fighting to protect Americans from the ever-present threats to sexiness posed by sideburns and gravy. It’s a tall order.
This is a position that has been held by Brad Pitt (twice), Jude Law (once) and Nick Nolte (possibly an accounting error of some kind). All came to power hoping to build a sexier world. Too often, their ambition wilted under the pressures of the office.
In 2010, for instance, Ryan Reynolds’s term as Sexiest Man Alive began with great promise. The actor stood before Americans and vowed to deliver “hope,” “change” and “buttocks you could bounce a nickel off.” In a savvy nod to the past, Reynolds embarked on a tour of America’s sexiest historical sites—including the birthplace of Tom Selleck’s moustache and the nondescript diner where George Clooney first winked.
But Reynolds’s perceived reluctance to put in maximum effort—he was rumoured to pout sexily for as little as three hours a day—was his undoing. Within months, sexy rivals were working to undermine his administration: raising funds, filming attack ads (“Reynolds: soft on camouflage fleece!”) and putting on their shirts, so as to be better able to sexily remove them.
The abrupt fall from grace of Ryan Reynolds reminded observers of the ill-fated reign of 1999 Sexiest Man Alive Richard Gere. Despite being the author of the seminal Contract with America’s Pectorals, Gere saw his popularity nosedive after he admitted on CNN’s The Sexuation Room to still owning a pair of parachute pants.
Bradley Cooper, star of The Hangover movies, met a similar fate in 2011. In the early days of his term, he was widely praised for winning bipartisan support to implement a National Mullet Registry. Pundits were further impressed when he succeeded in imposing a three-day waiting period on the acquisition of a Baconator.
But Cooper’s administration was buffeted by crisis when TMZ.com published an embarrassing photo in which he, as a nine-year-old boy, wore a fanny pack. By the end of his term, opinion surveys indicated there hadn’t been a Sexiest Man Alive so unpopular since 2001, when Pierce Brosnan was spotted in public in an acrylic sweater.
As the 2013 Sexiest Man Alive, Adam Levine managed to restore dignity, professionalism and tank tops to the office. Though he too suffered moments of embarrassment. Levine is still living down his interview with Katie Couric, during which he could not name a single brand of skin bronzer.
The evidence is clear: serving as Sexiest Man Alive is one of the toughest jobs in the United States. The gulf has increased between the sexiest Americans and those who share most of their DNA with a hoagie. According to statistics from the Organization for Seduction Development, a full 90 percent of American sexiness is now controlled by just 2 percent of the population. It would take a typical family of four a full twenty-five years to achieve the sexiness of a single hair flip by Beyoncé. And yet the fit and attractive continue to press for deeper tax breaks on broccolini and flattering lighting.
But there’s still reason to believe that People’s Sexiest Man Alive can deliver on his message of hope. Sexy, sexy hope.
Where to begin?
Let me first state my credentials. I was chief of staff to Sexiest Man Alive 1987 Harry Hamlin. I served in the administrations of Mark Harmon, Denzel Washington and, briefly, Ben Affleck—until I resigned in a dispute over sideburn length.
The next Sexiest Man Alive needs to make a statement. He needs to be bold. A good first move would be to declare Vince Vaughn’s torso a sexiness disaster area. He should build on that by signing into law the controversial bill banning the sale of sweatpants and chalupas.
And he should scale back his international pursuits: People readers don’t want to know what he’s doing to reduce suffering for those in Africa—they want to know what he’s doing to reduce suffering among people who are looking at Jack Black. It wouldn’t hurt to do all this while wearing short shorts.
Take it from one who knows: achieving success as Sexiest Man Alive comes down to the first hundred days in office. Here’s a detailed plan of action that will set the next Sexiest Man Alive on the course to becoming the sexiest Sexiest Man Ever:
Day 1: Instruct your staff that you shall henceforth respond only to the appellation “Your Sexcellency.”
Day 2: It’s important to select the right Vice-Sexiest Man Alive. You want someone shares your perspective on the issues—pro-stubble, anti-unibrow—but a man whose sexiness is not quite as high-octane, universally admired and potentially fatal to heterosexual women as your own. It’s all about balance. And sexiness.
Day 5: Deliver your inspiring inaugural address while emerging from a swimming pool in slow motion.
Day 11: Convene the first meeting of your Sexiest Man Alive cabinet, including Secretary of Shirtlessness (Fabio) and Secretary of Doing Secretaries (Tiger Woods).
Day 15: Announce a national mutton-chop amnesty: turn in your old, unsexy facial hair and get $100.
Days 27–29: Pose heroically in front of a wind machine while wearing a billowy white shirt.
Day 31: “Spontaneous” touching of a homely person.
Day 38: Announce your much-anticipated “War on Back Hair.” Measures should include the legalization of vigilante electrolysis and a naval blockade of Burt Reynolds’s house.
Day 43: While riding on Hair Force One (christened by Patrick Swayze, SMA 1991), declare “Take Your Aesthetician to Work” Day.
Day 52: Introduce a constitutional amendment compelling Men’s Health magazine to tout the “secret to a flat stomach” on the cover of every issue, instead of just 97 percent of issues.
Day 55: Host a state dinner with Canada’s Sexiest Man Alive 1973–2007, Lloyd Robertson. On the menu: protein shakes and a threesome.
Day 65: Reveal your plan for campaign reform. Emphasize the importance of the institution of Sexiest Man Alive. Proposed quote: “We must ensure this hallowed office is not sullied by crass tactics, such as mudslinging, when it should be venerated by noble pursuits, such as mud wrestling.”
Day 69: Heh, heh. Sixty-nine. (Tell them to hold your calls.)
Day 88: Become the first world leader to appear on Meet the Press without pants. (Well, first since Clinton.)
Day 94: Lobby the G8 to pass a draft resolution officially recognizing that you are, as a matter of empirical fact, too sexy for your shirt.
Day 100: Stare into a mirror for five hours. Like what you see.
The Future and Why We Should Avoid It
Reason No. 8: Politics in the United States
Part of predicting the future is understanding the past. The several years before the book you’re holding went to press were tumultuous in American politics, reshaping the partisan landscape and setting the stage for a 2016 campaign that was likely to be more contentious, more divisive and more Clintony than ever before.
Let’s reflect on some of the key moments from the Obama presidency—and look for the clues they offer to the coming years of partisan rancour and Joe Biden continuing to say ridiculous things.
On January 20, 2009, Barack Obama was inaugurated as the forty-fourth president of the United States. Later that day, a quiet ritual unfolded as he arrived at the White House to find a welcome letter from George W. Bush on the Oval Office desk.
Dear New Guy:
So this morning’s newspaper tells me it’s time to move out. Also, that Marmaduke has got himself into another spot of mischief. Ha ha. Will that dog ever learn? Doesn’t look like it, but I’ll keep you up to date.
Anyway, they tell me it’s a tradition for the outcoming president to leave a letter of advice for the ingoing president. All I got from Clinton was a stack of Hustler, but fine.
Key things to know (in order):
Kim Jong-il. Big-time screwy.
Ahmadinejad. Ditto.
Steve from Canada (the country to the above of us). An okay guy in small doses. Sensitive about the hair.
The White House. Sometimes there are muffins. The ones with an apple slice on top are apple muffins.
Don’t massage the German lady president. She gets pretty uppity about it.
It’s surprisingly hard to throw a spiral with the nuclear football.
You can ask for whatever you want to eat, and the Constitution says the chef has to make it.
If your vice-president shoots someone in the face, it was probably an accident the first couple times—but then you start to wonder.
Nicknames: very important. Everybody needs one. If they’re taller than 5 foot 10, call ’em Stretch. If they’re shorter than 5 foot 6, call ’em Stretch, but in a way that’s ironical. Might help to wink when you say it. Everyone else: just put a “yee” sound in there. Rummy, Brownie, Condi. Now here’s where it gets tricky. If the name already ends with a “yee” sound, you gotta remove it—like with Kof at the UN or Tone over in England. Don’t worry—it gets easier after six months or so. Then they can all stop wearing those “Hello, My Name Is …” stickers.
Got to be honest with you, Stretch: it feels kinda weird to not be The Decider anymore. I mean, I’ll still be deciding things but not things of globalness. More like personal things like where to build my library and when to ask my Dad why he keeps muttering, “Well, there’s still Jeb, I guess.”
I’ve had some time in the last few days to look back and reflectify. And you know what? I have an issue with all these polls saying I’m the worst president ever. Really? Worse than the evil one from 24? I question that.
Frankly, I never understood why people were so critical. Take the whole Osama thing. Bin Laden once said: “Death is better than living on this earth with the unbelievers among us.” And who spent a lot of his presidency denying bin Laden death and forcing him to continue living as a free man? Bingo. Yours sincerely. Although, to be fair, I was wrong in repeatedly stating that bin Laden could run but not hide. Good hider, it turns out. Great hider.
Sometimes I wish I could just shout “Olly olly oxen free” and he’d come out. (Tried it. Nothing.)
Here’s the thing I didn’t know about being president: everyone gets mad at you if you make the slightest mistake. Like the war. Or the other war. The financial meltdown. Hurricane Katrina. Waterboarding. How was I supposed to know about things like collateralized debt obligations mortgages, emergency preparedness and basic human rights? Some people are even mad at me about Bernie Madoff and his Potsie scheme. Like I could have stopped him if The Fonz couldn’t!
Here’s a final tip for you: I didn’t read things like magazines, or blogs, or intelligence reports—anything with words, really. It’s my belief that a president must have empathy. That allows him to see into the souls of his opponents. Sorta like that brunette who was making it with Riker on the Enterprise until she went looking for strange with the Klingon.
To conclusify, it’s a pretty thankless job being in charge. Very isolating and lonely. Or so Mr. Cheney tells me. He comes with the house, by the way. I’d take him with us but we just can’t risk exposing him to daylight.
New guy: I truly believe that America is the greatest nation in all of history—better than Britain or Rome or even Mordor. So good luck with being president and maybe one day we’ll be on that mountain together. (The one with the faces.)
Well, that’s about it. Oh yeah, I was supposed to mention: UFOs are real, the moon landings were faked and Kennedy was killed by a robot from the future.
Sincerely,
George
PS: Don’t make the same mistake I did. Pardon Heather Locklear now.
On February 19, 2009, only a month into his presidency, Barack Obama visited Canada to meet with Prime Minister Stephen Harper. As with all such trips, it was meticulously planned by the State Department.
Briefing Notes for President Barack Obama
Visit to Canada: February 2009
The Country: Our northern neighbour, Canada ranks 2nd in the world in total area, 4th in total land area and 314th among favourite spring break destinations (ahead of “Greenland” and just behind “the basement”).
Canada’s population density—3.5 inhabitants per square kilometre—is among the lowest in the world, but crowded enough when you consider that one of those inhabitants used to be Howie Mandel.
System of Government: Canada is a parliamentary democracy and a constitutional monarchy. At one time a British colony, Canada asserted its political autonomy in 1982 after just 125 years of thinking it through really, really carefully. Britain, which by then had completely forgotten about the whole “Canada” thing, ultimately agreed to grant independence, though mostly to stop Pierre Trudeau from hitting on the Queen.
Electoral System: Canada’s prime minister is obligated by law to respect a fixed date for federal elections, unless he meets the legal requirement of “not feeling like it.” Meanwhile, convention dictates that upon losing the “confidence” of the House of Commons, the prime minister must either cede power or flee girlishly to the protective bosom of the Governor General, who has a formidable array of powers that baffle and confound us. She may be some kind of witch.
The Prime Minister: Stephen Joseph Harper, age forty-nine. He’s known as “Steve” among people who don’t care that he hates to be called Steve. Yes, the hair is real.
Recent Political History: In the fall of 2008, Prime Minister Harper won re-election with what’s known as a minority—or “sissy”—government. So far as we can determine, this means he must surrender custody of the nation on Wednesday nights and every other weekend. In 2011, Harper was re-elected with a majority—or “real”—government.
Political Environment: Mr. President, while it is true that you maintain high popularit
y levels among Canadians, history suggests that American leaders don’t always get a smooth ride when spending time in Canada. Consider the experiences of Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush and Michael Ignatieff.
Arrival: Because this is not an official state visit, there will be no formal military band to greet you at the airport. Respecting custom, the prime minster will instead confer a more informal Canadian airport greeting—sending the foreign affairs minister to circle the lot outside the arrivals level until you come out of the terminal. You’re instructed to “just give ’im a wave.” The $5 attached to this file should cover your share of the gas money.
The Capital: Your brief visit to Canada will take place entirely within the city of Ottawa, one of the world’s northernmost capitals and a metropolis renowned throughout Canada for its two or three restaurants that now stay open past seven o’clock. Ottawa boasts a professional hockey team and many working stoplights.
Climate: Arse-numbing.
National Symbols: The beaver, the common loon, the playoff beard.
Language: Canada is officially designated a bilingual country, meaning you can easily get by speaking either French or English in every part of the land except almost all of it.
Economy: Over centuries, Canada progressed from a reliance on the fur trade to a rich and diversified economy—but thanks to Wall Street it’s now on its way back. Yesterday, shares in BlackBerry closed down slightly at 4½ pelts.
Sensitivities: The “Buy American” provision of our stimulus bill has caused significant concern in Canada, where business leaders fear that protectionist measures could decimate industries devoted to the production and export of iron, steel and film comedians. (The Canadian government is said to be preparing draconian retaliatory legislation: Bill C-77, An Act to Force Them to Keep Mike Myers.)
Timing of Visit: You will be arriving in Canada just after Flag Day, on which Canada’s prime minister commemorates his nation’s adoption of a post-colonial flag by selecting one lucky countryman to strangle in broad daylight. Your visit will also coincide with the conclusion of a local festival known as Winterlude, the city’s annual celebration of windburn.
The Future and Why We Should Avoid It Page 18
