by A V Kern
“That’s you’re mistake,” I replied. “No one is going to be reading any of this a few years from now.”
But I knew she was right. We were rapidly careening off into territory that would make anyone but the nerdiest of the clued-in nerds’ eyes glaze over, and referential success was all about relating to your audience—not trying too hard to be clever and silly. I had to regain my flow by doing what Batman, Tifa, Ryu, Goku, Ayla, Poo, Sonic, Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris and dozens of other 80s and 90s pop culture heroes would have done in my situation: ditch the weapons and fight hand to hand. It was what Lemon Demon would have wanted.
“All right Lisa,” I growled, folding away my arm cannon. “We need more violence and sex, and less literary analysis. You wanna get all kung-fu on me? Bring it!” I waved her forward with one hand, adopting a sideways martial arts pose like I’d seen people in movies do.
Lisa glared at me for a moment and then tossed aside her glitter-cannon before roaring and ripping herself out of her armor, discarding her porpoise-plate and cat suit alike and exposing her incredibly hot naked body. She stared me down, chest heaving, as her perfectly coifed blonde locks settled artfully down over her shoulders. “Real fighters don’t need armor,” she said.
“Fine,” I agreed. I deactivated my suit’s protection protocols to strip down naked myself. My breasts swayed softly and I shivered in the cool cave air, nipples hardening, as my armor peeled off of my body. “Felicia McFly fears nothing and no one. We’ll fight one another the way god intended. Buck-naked.”
Jazon Priestly paused for a moment, stunned and surprised by the two naked women in front of him, and murmured, “Whoa, chick fight. Man, I love bare naked ladies.” Ap0ll0 seized on the opportunity to deliver a roundhouse kick to Jazon’s vampiric face, sending the Angel-wannabe stumbling backwards with a pained grunt, as Lisa and I crashed into one another and went rolling through the cave dirt in a hissing, screaming, hair-pulling, face-slapping, ball of insanity.
“I hate your overly cutesy style and tiny animal entourage, Lisa!” I screamed, yanking hard on two fistfuls of her hair and kneeing her in the stomach. “Why did you have to drench everything girly in rainbows in the 80s and 90s?!”
“Take your beef somewhere else!” she replied, elbowing me so hard in the face that she nearly broke my nose, while huffing from the stomach blow. “I’m an homage, not representative of the real historical Lisa Frank, who is probably a perfectly lovely woman and prefers to keep her personal life private. I had nothing to do with any of that!”
“I still hate you!” I knocked Lisa down and grabbed her shoulders, slamming her into the ground again and again. Our breasts touched each time and our hair flew wildly around us, which all would have been really sexy if I wasn’t so focused on fighting her. “You’re representative of a design style if not the person, and you stand for everything opposing 80s male geek culture!”
She gritted her teeth and kicked me off of her, rolling to her feet. “Tiny animals are adorable! And you’re not worth fighting fair.” I gasped as she lunged for her antimatter glitter gun, and I staggered back, trying to snap my arm cannon into position but knowing I couldn’t possibly do it quickly enough to stop her blast.
As Lisa’s finger slid around the trigger, she aimed the cannon at me, grinned and said, “Bye, Felicia.”
She fired and I did the only thing I could think of: grabbed the nearby vampire Jazon Priestly’s arm and swung him into the path of the blast. His face shifted into a grimace of horror as he did the predictable thing that any Stoker-style vampire would do and shifted into an insubstantial mistform to avoid it. But what Jazon had forgotten is that antimatter doesn’t care what state matter is in—as the ball of anti-energy sizzled through the air and made contact with the mist, according to rules of physics that made no sense in the real world but worked fine in the O-Face, it instantly killed Jazon and released an exploding ball of energy which slammed the three of us that remained into the rocky walls of the cavern. The huge explosion shook the smut mines to their very foundations, bringing the whole complex to a groaning, shaking shudder that it probably would have appreciated thematically, had it been sentient, before settling down.
As veterans of the Danger Zones, Ap0ll0, Lisa, and I had all activated our emergency one-use Deus Ex Machina shields a split second before the explosion, though Lisa’s cannon had been destroyed in it, and we now climbed to our feet unsteadily in the aftermath. Some of Jazon Priestly’s incorporeal mist still hovered around the air, and glittery bits of confetti from the antimatter blast floated gently down through it. I trained my blaster on the dastardly LisaFrank90210 once again as my exo-suit’s armor slid back over my skin, and said, “Hasta la vista, baby.”
But she wasn’t staring at me. She was looking to the side, her mouth hanging open in mute wonder. I followed her gaze and was stunned to see a freestanding door in the middle of the room with a tiny ruby hole in the middle.
“The door to the Mithril Dildo!” Ap0ll0 exclaimed. “But… how? And… why?”
I realized a split second too late that we had to protect the knowledge of the door’s location from Roger Dodger now that it had been revealed, and I released a fully-charged arm-cannon mega-blast at LisaFrank90210, trying to silence her once and for all. But she’d had the same thought, and teleported out of Planet 34 with an emergency recall device nanoseconds before my blast sizzled into the spot where she’d been, blackening the stone that remained.
“Fucking hell!” I cried. “She got away!”
“I still don’t understand how a free-standing door to the third dildo could just appear here like this for us,” Ap0ll0 murmured. “It doesn’t make any sense.”
I paused to think about it for a moment and then started laughing so hard that tears came to my eyes. “It’s just like the ruby gate,” I explained. “Bartleby Shaw, you crazy, nerdy motherfucker.”
“I don’t get it,” Ap0ll0 said. “What is it?”
“We didn’t have any clues to the location of the Mithril Dildo because the name itself was a clue. I assume that you, like me, have read the entire works of J.R.R. Tolkien since Bartleby Shaw had a passing interest in classic fantasy literature?”
“Of course. What cunter worth their salt wouldn’t have? Everyone knows mithril is a light, incredibly strong metal found only in the mines of Moria, although Tolkien’s later work alleges that it could also be found in Númenor. But I don’t see how that tells us anything. Those locations aren’t present here in the O-Face.”
“You even read The Silmarillion and Unfinished Tales?”
“I’m offended, Felicia! It’s like you think that just because a work was obscure, boring, and apparently irrelevant to any conceivable purpose in the modern life of 2054 I wouldn’t have spent months memorizing every minor detail of it. Next you’ll suggest something else absurd like that I can’t beat the arcade classic Donkey Kong on a single life or recite the entire text of Shaw’s favorite book, Piers Anthony’s A Spell for Chameleon, from memory.”
“Don’t be so prickly, Ap0ll0. Jeez, it was just a question. Are you on your period or something? Yes, I know all cunters can do those things. But what I’m asking is whether you really went deep on the Tolkien stuff… did you learn Sindarin, for example?”
He stared at me with an incredulous expression. “The Elvish language in Lord of the Rings? I mean, I did read The Silmarillion, but I didn’t go so far as to teach myself Elvish… that would be insane.”
I gave him a wry smile and folded my arms, regarding him with smug superiority. “Well, if you had learned Sindarin, you would know the etymology of the word ‘mithril.’ That is, mith, which in Elvish means ‘grey’ or ‘mist,’ and ril, which means ‘glitter.’”
Ap0ll0’s jaw dropped, comprehension dawning. “You have got to be joking.”
“Nope! Apparently all we had to do to reveal the next gate was to combine mist with glitter, and boom! It appears. There we go. Now we can claim the Mithril Dildo. But we need to hu
rry. LisaFrank90210 will be bringing the same news to Roger Dodger, and it looks like you can summon the third gate from anywhere, as long as you know how.”
I withdrew the Ruby Dildo from my inventory and slammed it deep into the small, ruby hole in the door. Like the first door, it twisted open with a grateful sigh after a few high-pitched complaints, and then Ap0ll0 and I stood before a magic portal to a completely unfamiliar location.
“Ladies first,” I said, gesturing toward the portal.
Ap0ll0 paused. “What about…”
“Our climactic kiss? Later. Let’s save the O-Face first, and then we’ll bang it out once Roger Dodger has been defeated once and for all.”
“You’re so cool and smart and talented and also practical, Felicia McFly,” Ap0ll0 said. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
“Of course you are. Who wouldn’t? ”
He nodded in agreement, and the two of us walked through the portal together.
Chapter 6
“Greetings, seekers of the Mithril Dildo,” Captain Minosexaur said to us as we stepped out onto a lavish marble platform beneath a sweeping glass dome. “You may now attempt the third challenge of my game!”
“Where are we?” Ap0ll0 asked, staring at our surroundings in wide-eyed wonder as the portal winked closed behind us.
Beyond the dome that stretched overhead was a whole ocean of blue—literally an ocean. Dolphins, fish, and brightly-colored coral were visible through the thick glass, and as I stared upward the massive shadow of a blue whale twisted lazily by, high above us. The marble platform was set atop a pyramid in the middle of a city whose chalk-white buildings twisted in the fantastic architectural styles of a mad sculptor’s wild dreamscape, and far below citizens in brightly colored tunics and sandals milled aimlessly around the base of the pyramid, going about their NPC lives as they wove in and out of the buildings.
“I think it’s Atlantis,” I said hesitantly. “It must be a secret level of the O-Face.”
“Atlantis?”
“Yes… actually, I’m certain now. It tracks.”
“How so?”
“Well, you said yourself that mithril was also alleged to be found in Númenor, according to Tolkien’s later works, which Shaw would have known. He also would have known that Tolkien intended Númenor to be a thinly-veiled reference to—”
“—Atlantis,” Ap0ll0 finished with me. He whistled softly. “That is some wacky chain of connections, Shaw. Okay, Captain Minosexaur. What do we have to do to lay our hands on your Mithril Dildo?”
But Captain Minosexaur simply yawned and shrugged at us, smiling wryly.
“Hmm,” I said. “I guess that’s part of the challenge. We need to figure out what we’re supposed to do on our own. Let’s think for a moment… Did Shaw have any other connection to Atlantis?”
“That’s a tough one. I guess Aquaman and Namor were both known pop culture heroes in the 80s tied to Atlantis.”
“Yes, but neither of them featured prominently in Shaw’s past. Plus they’re both totally lame. It’s got to be something else. Both of the prior challenges were intimately tied to Shaw’s life in some way.”
“It’s really kind of sad, if you think about it…” Ap0ll0 remarked. “He wanted to be known so badly that he made the primary requirement for his contest an intimate knowledge of his private, inner life. That must have been one lonely dude.”
“Stop it! Don’t get all sappy on me now. The tragic, lonely fellowship-seeking of the creator figure and the archetypal nerd-outsider was a theme that’s already been explored in the source material. This parody is a work of comedy, not a heartfelt drama.”
“Sorry, you’re right. Maybe we should just look around?”
We walked down the massive staircase to the base of the pyramid, where the humanoid denizens of Atlantis wandered back and forth, seemingly without purpose. Why would Shaw have put people here if they weren’t going to actually do anything? I wondered.
“Excuse me,” Ap0ll0 said, grabbing the arm of one of the NPCs. “Can you answer a few questions for us?”
“Kreet,” he replied, staring at Ap0ll0 with flat, unintelligent eyes.
“What?”
“Kreet,” he said again.
“Uh… can you say anything else?”
“Kreet,” the man repeated.
I grabbed another citizen by the arm, a woman this time, and tried a different tact. “Where is the Mithril Dildo?” I demanded.
She blinked at me stupidly. “Kreet? Kreet kreet.”
“What does it mean?” Ap0ll0 asked me as we both released the Atlanteans.
I shook my head. “Not sure. But it’s got to be part of the puzzle.”
The familiar, though distant, sound of a portal opening drew our eyes to the top of the pyramid. A vertical slash had opened in the air, and Captain Minosexaur once more bellowed his greeting as black-uniformed FU Troopers began to pour out of the gate into Atlantis. They ignored Shaw’s avatar, spreading out in small groups of four, plasma rifles drawn, and began to carefully work their way down the pyramid, keen eyes searching.
“Shit,” I muttered, quickly drawing Ap0ll0 back into the shadowed archway of a nearby building. We were lucky we’d been standing amid the thick, milling crowd when they came in, or they would have spotted us for sure. “Looks like Lisa got to Dodger. Now we really have to think fast. They’re going to be looking for us… and this is probably also a Danger Zone. I do not want to eat a few dozen plasma bolts here.”
“But we’re no closer to a solution now than we were when we stepped in!”
I frowned. Things didn’t look good for us. More than twenty of the FU Troopers were now descending toward the crowd, and more came with each passing moment. Roger Dodger had far more resources at his disposal than we did, unfortunately—all we had was passion for the O-Face and a superior knowledge of Bartleby Shaw’s life. I had to believe that I was a better cunter than any of these jokers working for Dodger. I banged my head against the white, Atlantean wall. Think Felicia, think. Why does “kreet” sound so familiar?
Struck by sudden inspiration, I once again seized the arm of a passing Atlantean and yanked him into the shadows with us.
“Kreet?” he asked uncertainly.
“Kreet,” I replied confidently.
“Kreet! Kreet kreet kreet!”
“What are you doing?” Ap0ll0 asked.
“Communicating, I guess,” I replied with a shrug.
I didn’t know what I’d said, but for the first time an Atlantean’s eyes sparkled with something other than dull idiocy. The young, tunic-clad man began to tug on my arm with great excitement, urging me to follow him out of the shadows. He pointed to the twisting maze of roads that led deeper into the city, continuing to babble the cryptic, repeated word at me.
“Damn it,” I said. “I think we need to follow him.”
“But the FU Troopers! The plasma rifles!” Ap0ll0 protested.
“Can’t be helped,” I replied, snapping out my arm cannon once more. “Get your gun-sword ready, Ap0ll0. Let’s go fuck up some Family Units.”
I nodded at the babbling Atlantean and shoved him gently into the street. As soon as he saw I was going to follow him he turned and took off at brisk jog. Ap0ll0 and I dashed out after him, energy shields raised. Immediately the sharp-eyed FU Troopers spotted us moving through the crowd, but before they could even point their plasma rifles in our direction we were already unloading with everything we had as we strafed after our excited pal. Black-uniformed troopers dove out of the way of our crashing bullets and energy blasts, returning sloppy, poorly-aimed fire in our general direction as they fell prone onto the steps of the pyramid. Despite their wild shots, I still winced as a lucky green plasma bolt glanced off my energy shield with a sizzle, fuzzing the outline for a brief moment as the dispersion modulators clicked into overdrive.
We turned sharply around a corner and I shifted the energy shield to my back, like a turtle shell, trusting in my exo-suit�
�s automated defense sensors while I shoved the Atlantean into running faster.
“Hurry it up, kreet-dude,” I shouted as we all staggered into a loping sprint. “Those troopers are going to be hot on our tail now!”
Within moments we arrived at a strange ramp that led about fifteen feet beneath ground-level to a huge set of double doors. The Atlantean walked us down the ramp and then hopped up and down, pointing over and over again at the doors. “Kreet kreet kreet kreet kreet!”
“What the fuck is going on?” Ap0ll0 asked.
“I don’t know, but come on,” I said, grabbing him and throwing my shoulder into the carved stone door. It slid open with a grinding scrape, and we slipped inside and slammed it closed once more. I leaned against the cold stone, trying to catch my breath, while I studied our new surroundings. We stood in a white stone tunnel, lined by torches, with passages curving off in two directions.
“It looks like some kind of maze,” Ap0ll0 said.
“Oh shit.” My eyes widened. “You’re right, Ap0ll0! I get it! I understand everything now!”
“Well, you’d better explain fast, because I sure as hell don’t.”
“It’s not a maze. It’s a labyrinth. And they aren’t saying ‘kreet’, like K-R-E-E-T. They’re saying, ‘Crete,’ like C-R-E-T-E! You know, the Greek island?”
“Ohhh. Wait. What?”
“The island of Crete is one of the places suggested by historians as a possible location for the origins of the Atlantis myth. But it’s also known for the Minoan civilization and another famous mythological story.”
“Please, god, no.” Ap0ll0 slapped his hand to his forehead. “This is too stupid even for this book.”
“That’s right, baby! King Minos and his hungry, well-endowed minotaur at the center of the labyrinth!”
“Shaw’s minotaur? I can’t believe we managed to bring that plot point back around.”
