by Stuart, Amie
In our own way, her and I became a little family. Her solitary existence worried me. She never dated, and she never went out, except with me, so I made a point for us to do more than cook and shop together. I made her show me San Antonio and the Hill Country, and we went to the movies often. I scolded myself, sometimes wondering if half the reason I stayed in Bluebonnet was because of her.
I continued to date Tim who, surprisingly, was the perfect gentleman. He treated me like the Creole Queen he’d named me, his impeccable manners never failed to surprise me, and he suffered only the occasional sexual lapse.
And nothing ever as profound as our evening at the blues bar happened again.
Though he acted the perfect gentleman, I found myself unable to open up with him—afraid of the consequences if I did. I’d never told a soul, other than Miss Rose, about Nichole. I couldn’t open up to Kellie either.
Frequently, we talked of Rene, and his lack of attention toward her also worried me. I rarely saw her. It seemed like Tim did his best to keep us apart. I wasn’t sure if that was by design or just cosmic intervention. And of course, when Rene was at the dancehall, she ignored me in the most painfully obvious way. I suppose it was the mother hen in me. Like with Kellie, I wanted to take the little one and shake her, hug her, and yes, feed her. She continued to glare at me every chance she got. We never spoke, but if looks could kill...
Sometimes I wanted to shake Tim, but I knew what he’d say. As far as he was concerned, I wasn’t a parent. And in the strictest sense of the word, he was right. So I continued to bite my tongue, especially after a particularly painful encounter with Rene shortly after her birthday. I found her sitting alone in a corner of the beer garden.
I stepped closer but didn’t take a seat. “So, your Papa says you got a horse for your birthday.”
She rolled her eyes. “If this is your pathetic-ass attempt at bonding, spare me.”
“I told you, don’t cuss at me.”
“You should just sleep with him. Get it over with.”
I sighed and shook my head, then turned away, a part of me wanting to run back inside and hide in the break room. But I wouldn’t be chased off by a child. I turned back to her, and said, “It’s just not that simple.”
She snorted and looked me up and down. “Yeah, it is. You sleep with him, he gets bored, you get clingy and cry, and then he dumps you for good. See? Simple.” Her head bobbed left and right as she spoke. “He’s not going to marry you.”
At that, I smiled a little. “Is that what you think? That I want to marry your father?”
“I don’t think.” She stood and started to walk away. “I know.”
She was wrong. In every conceivable way she was wrong. I reached for her arm, wanting to stop her so I could tell her so, but she snatched it back and yelled at me to leave her alone. That’s how Tim found us.
“What the fuck?”
I backed away, my hands in the air. “I was just trying to talk to her.”
“She’s lying,” Rene said.
I frowned at her, but so did her dad. “Tim, you know I would never hurt her.”
“I think, in the future, it’d be best if you stayed away from her.”
It took me three days to get him to listen to my explanation, and even then, he still insisted that keeping Rene and I apart was for the best.
He was wrong but I didn’t know how to tell him so.
SUMMER FLEW BY, and Tim found himself happier than he’d been since Charlene had walked out on him. Something in him prevented him from throwing his ex-wife’s letters away, so instead he shoved them to the bottom drawer of his nightstand and forgot about them until the next one arrived and he shoved it on top of the growing heap.
He spent his mornings training his cutting horses—three more of which he sold for a tidy profit—his afternoons working with his dad and brothers, and some evenings with Toni while keeping an eye on his daughter and trying not to get too sucked into Toni’s spell.
He played it cool on all fronts as the two most important women in his life caused him near-heart attacks more than once. He watched his daughter begin to fuss with her hair—not much, just a little, and only if she had plans with Bobby. He watched them go out and figured she’d probably been kissed. She still snarled and snapped, but not when Bobby was around. Then, she just got real quiet, and for the first time in her life, blushed, and occasionally glared at Tim. As a matter of pride, Tim refused to ask his mother or aunt for advice and stayed closed-mouth about the whole thing—not even telling Rowdy—until after Bobby had dumped her and broke her heart.
She’d gone unusually quiet, but he’d seen the sulking, the scowls, and her red nose. Covered with powder. Rowdy’d wanted to beat the shit out of poor little Bobby Marshall. Tim silently struggled to find the right balance with her and prayed he did alright. Likewise with Toni. Four months of celibacy began to take its toll. It wasn’t just the sexual frustrations that got to him, either, but the personal ones. He’d offered more than once to introduce her to the rest of the clan, but she’d refused. When his father probed, he’d become tight-lipped, unable and unwilling to answer his questions. Neither Zack nor Jessa commented, so caught up in their own world of expectant parenthood and preschool and horses and art shows.
Rowdy just shook his head, and Ty buried his in the sand, holing up in his house, despite Tim’s best efforts to draw him out. One hot July night he’d even managed to shove Betti Blanchard Ty’s way. Betti was hot, and a smart cookie, she’d know the routine. At first, he’d thought Ty getting his itch scratched had helped, but his brother quickly withdrew back into his shell. Come October and Ty’s thirtieth birthday Tim and Delaney roped the family into a party—though Zander only sent a gift and made his excuses—some big FBI case. More than once, Tim had felt a twinge of guilt over the possibility that he’d usurped Zander’s place in the family.
Ty’s birthday party was over, the presents opened and cake demolished, and Tim, Zack and Ty sat out on his back porch drinking beer and winding down.
“How come Toni didn’t come?” Ty asked from his place in the corner, his face hidden in shadows. He lost weight and he was way too thin.
Tim sighed and let his legs straighten out, crossing them at the ankles. He’d asked her, she said no—just like with Rene’s party—and he’d let it drop, afraid of what would happen if he’d pushed her too hard. “Said she didn’t want to.”
“Damn, Ty, I think this is a record for Tim.”
“If I wasn’t barefoot, Zack....” he let his words trail off.
Zack who sat on the steps, just out of reach, chuckled and sipped his beer. “So how come she didn’t come, seriously? Afraid to meet her maybe future in-laws? Hell, she’s met most of us. All that’s left is Mom and Dad.
“And Delaney and Zander,” Ty threw in. “By the way, what was that punk’s excuse for not coming home now?”
“Said he had some big case cookin’.”
“Momma’s upset. I heard her telling Daddy she wanted to go up and see him soon.”
“Thanksgiving’s coming,” Tim said with a couple slow nods.
“So, enough about dickwad. Back to Tim’s woman. How’s it going?”
“Fine.” His shoulders knotted up. He couldn’t stand it. He certainly didn’t want them knowing how many cold showers he’d been taking. He didn’t want to get into it, about being happy and sad, but he’d reached a breaking point. Monday night had marked the official start of month five. Zack was right. This was the longest relationship he’d had since Charlene, but sometimes he felt as if he was being punished.
“Just fine?” In his corner, Ty rocked, the chair squeaking.
He sighed. Maybe it was time to take an opinion poll. Which probably wouldn’t end well. Monday night he’d made it to third base, but not by much. The encounter had left them both breathless and shaken as she’d squirmed away, growling at him in her throaty, accented voice. “She won’t put out,” he finally confessed.
The squea
king of the rocker stopped, and Tim found his foot covered in beer as Zack spewed a mouthful in his direction. “Boy, were you born in a barn?” He wiped the back of his wet foot on his jeans, shifting his feet out of his brother’s line of fire.
“You haven’t had sex in four months? Damnation, Tim, that’s almost as bad as me.” A wide-eyed Ty leaned forward, elbows on his knees, bottle clutched in his hand.
Tim snorted. “It’s only been three months since you had your little free-for-all with Betti. You should’a hung onto her, at least for a while.”
“You ever sleep with her?”
Tim debated the wisdom of being honest with his brother. Men were weird about women—territorial weird. Hell, and he was one of the worst. “Long, long time ago,” he said, turning his head to meet his brother’s gaze in the dark. “Betti was a lot of fun, but I don’t see her around Bluebonnet much—you idiot. You could have at least gotten a fuck buddy out of the deal.”
Ty shrugged and finally leaned back in his chair, retreating again to the shadows.
“So, your lady love, turtle dove ain’t puttin’ out.” Zack snorted.
“Right.” Tim was glad he couldn’t really see the smile in his brother’s voice.
“Why you still seein’ her then?” Ty set his rocker into motion again.
He drew his knees up and propped his forearms on them as he argued with himself over the truth. Over what to say. He swallowed hard. He wasn’t ready to give up on Toni. Crazy as their relationship was, he wasn’t ready to give up on them.
“Earth to Tim. Come in .” Zack snapped his fingers a few times.
“I suppose just saying she’s fun to take to dinner won’t cut it?” he finally admitted.
Ty snorted with laugher and Zack joined in. “No.”
Ty leaned forward in his rocker again. “Honest to God, low down dirty truth, why is Tim—lady’s man extraordinaire—if-it-twitches-I-can-nail-it-Caldwell takin’ cold showers?”
“You forgot jacking off,” Zack quipped, howling with laughter.
While his brothers laughed at his expense, Tim wracked his brain.
“Well?” Zack asked between snorts. “Why?”
“Cause I like jacking off?” He chuckled at himself, and they did, too, and then he held up his hands for quiet. “Okay, okay,” he sighed. “I think it’s some...sort of…cosmic payback. Maybe. I don’t know,” he finished with a half-assed shrugged.
“What?” Zack frowned and started laughing all over again.
“Down and dirty truth?” He looked at his brothers and waited for them to settle down, knowing his next announcement would set them off again. “She...makes me feel like a woman.”
He set down his beer bottle, instantly regretting his choice of words, as he waited, again, for them to calm down. Zack huddled on his side, almost curled into a ball from laughing so hard, and Ty doubled over in his chair, barely able to catch his breath. Laughter rolled across the darkened arena that made up his backyard. Thank God, Rene was sleeping over with Delaney. “Are y’all done? Or should we call Daddy out here, so he can get a good laugh, too?”
They both nodded and settled in, finally quieting.
“You know how women, like, chase you, and try to get you to commit, or you chase them, and once you catch them, the novelty wears off, and you move on?”
“No, but continue,” Ty said, ducking his head, shoulders shaking with more laughter.
“Tell us, Oh Swami, how do women chase you begging for a commitment, you big stud?” Zack got a high five from Ty for that one. After yet another round of laughter, Zack settled down. “Okay, now, seriously, you’re saying Toni makes you feel like you’re the woman because you do all the chasing and wanting and needing and stuff, and she’s just, like, indifferent...”
Tim hung his head and mumbled.
“What?”
“Yeah. She won’t open up to me.” While his brothers stared at each other and shook their heads, Tim ducked into the kitchen to get them another round of beers. He took his time twisting off all three tops and digging out another bag of chips before heading back outside, where they both now sat wiping tears of mirth from their faces. He passed out the beers, unable to meet their eyes, and reclaimed his spot against the house’s back wall. Once they quieted down, he began again.
“I don’t know anything more about her then I did four months ago when I met her. I know she’s Creole, left Louisiana when she was young, and she came here from Vegas, but for all intents and purposes, that’s pretty much it.” He threw up his hands in frustration. “She never talks about her family, she never talks about her past. Hell, she’s never even invited me to dinner—” he shook his head thoughtfully, “—but she never turns down a date, and we always have a good time. She’s not affectionate, she’s not touchy-feely. She’s afraid of intimacy, that I do know,” he added with a nod. “But the question is why.” Once he was finished thinking out loud, he relaxed against the wall and sipped his beer, waiting for his brother’s responses.
“And you put up with all this?” Ty asked. “For four months?”
“Yup.” Tim nodded.
“Why?” Ty frowned at him in confusion. That was the question of the hour.
Tim shrugged, unwilling to look too closely at what her fear of intimacy might mean.
“It’s not about sex,” Zack pointed out as Tim nodded, “it’s about her letting Tim in.”
“She’s never even asked about Charlene.” He sighed, staring unseeing and his feet.
“So why bother?” Ty grabbed the bag of chips and shoved his hand inside. “Why not just move on?”
“As to why bother, she probably doesn’t dig into your past so you won’t go prying in hers,” Zack said.
“So, what do I do?” Tim finally asked.
From behind them came a female voice. “You’re asking them for advice?” Jessa stood on the other side of the kitchen screen door, arms crossed over her chest.
“Why the hell do you think I’ve been sitting here telling them all this. So they could gloat?” He scowled in her general direction.
“Give her an ultimatum,” Ty said. “Like y’all did Rhea.”
His head snapped up and he frowned at his brother. “You know we did that for your own good,” he said softly. Ty’s ex-wife had spent the first half of their marriage wearing him down, and the second half beating on him. She’d sucked him dry like a vampire and left behind a shell of his laughing, fun-loving brother.
Ty shrugged. “That don’t mean I’m real happy with my life right now. But you ain’t happy either, ‘cause she won’t talk. So what do you have to lose by telling her to put out, open up, or get lost?”
Jessa pushed open the screen door and stepped outside. “I hate to say it, but he kind of has a point. According to the dancehall rumor mill, other than hanging out with Kellie, your lady friend keeps to herself. Which is both good and bad.”
“What you mean?” Tim frowned up at her.
“Well—” she took a seat beside her husband, “—keeping to yourself is kind of a double-edged sword, especially when you’re a stranger in a new place.” She paused to give them all a pointed look. “She’s friendly to the other wait staff and bouncers, and of course Susie, but she is not friendly friendly, if you catch my drift. She’s not nosy, she minds her own business, but she doesn’t go out of her way to make friends. So some of the waitresses just put up with her because she’s good at her job. Hell, she won’t even let Susie in, and you know keeping your Aunt Susie at arm’s length is nothing short of impossible. But somehow she’s managed it.”
“She hasn’t even met Mom and Dad,” Zack added.
“Maybe you’re onto something.” Tim turned it over in his head, relieved, but at the same time unsettled at Jessa’s revelation. All Toni could do was tell him to get lost, but at least then he could move on and quit mooning over her. He dreaded it. Getting over her could be as bad, or even worse, then getting over Charlene had been.
“For what it’s
worth,” Zack said, “I’m with my wife on this.”
He was too damned old to moon over a woman, wasn’t he?
“I wouldn’t be quite that blunt, but yeah, he could have something there,” Zack agreed, snagging the bag of chips from his brother’s lap and shoving a handful in his mouth.
“Hmmm, I may have to give that some thought.”
“You’re not getting anything now, so what do you have to lose?”
Her. He had her to lose.
But he didn’t say that to them.
Tim slept on it, and the next night at the dancehall he confronted Toni in the beer garden on her break.
They sat together on their usual bench, her bare feet on his lap, as he slowly rubbed small circles in the arches. “I’ve been thinking.” He spoke before he could chicken out, hoping she wouldn’t notice how nervous he was.
“About what?”
“Us.” No turning back now. He stared ahead, unseeing, even as he felt the tension in her feet increase. She struggled to sit up, and he could feel her eyes on him, but he couldn’t look at her. So he focused on his hands.
“What about us?” She jerked her feet from his lap and sat upright, curling them beneath her and breaking contact with him. Her voice was husky and thick.
“We’ve been together four months now.”
“Tha’s right.”
“I want you to move in with me.” He knew he’d blown it the minute the words left his mouth. He finally turned his head to look at her, trying to gauge her reaction in the poor lighting, even though he already knew the answer. What he really wanted was for her to open up to him, to trust him, and to give him some sign that his feelings really were reciprocated. What he really wanted was for her to let him in, just a little.
“I have a lease.” If anything, she seemed to draw even further away.
“I’ll buy out your lease.”
“So in the other words, you think if I’m living with you, I’ll sleep with you.”
