My oldest brother is, six foot tall, built like Ryder, all muscle and Mr. Badass ripples off him. Harrison followed in our Dad’s footsteps joining the Marines. When he was injured, he settled down in South Carolina working construction for a friend of ours. Unlike Ryder, Harrison’s tattoos don’t peek out of his shirt. No, they scream, in your face boldly. He has a back piece, forearms, and biceps, even the back of his neck, his calves, his ribs, and his chest. After getting out he rebelled a bit and grew his black hair out to add to his look. Nothing about him says military anymore. Harrison has dark almost black eyes and a serious face that can scare you with just a glance.
He showed up, conveniently as Dad and Brayden were out in the garage, and took Brayden off for a ride in his 1977 The Bandit Special Edition Pontiac Trans Am. I don’t know what was said in that car ride, but when they returned Brayden looked frazzled.
Harrison was smiling in accomplishment. “No sis, we’re not gonna be friends, but for now he’s okay for you to date. Mark my words he screws up, I’m all over it. Even by picking you up late once, you might as well tell him to hit the road Jack. I find out he treats you wrong, Maggie, I’ll teach him how wrong he was. You got me?”
“Yes, Harry, I got you, but whatever.” I replied sharply, knowing just how much my big bro wished he was the one named Cory. He detests being called Harry but I secretly think he loves it from me and Mom. He prefers to be called by our last name, but I never have and never will use that.
He and I have always been super close. When I was little and would have a bad dream, he would be the one to wake up and come tell me it was just a dream, go back to sleep. When I was in high school, he was already gone off in the military, but when he was home on leave, he would pick me and Dina up just to scare the boys. I know he takes his role as big brother seriously. I dread telling him what a mess I’m in, but I have to. Plus, he and Dina are tight so if I don’t she will.
Brayden
Well, it’s all out there now. They have all left without a single word. Damn it, I’m so screwed. They’ve all turned their backs on me. I’ve lied, I’ve stolen from them, and I’ve cost them all differently. Did I really expect anything different?
Dina is on such a high horse over this accident. I get it, her parents are dead, but she’s not the only one who has lost a family member. She’s not the only one that feels loss and sadness.
Rehab can’t bring Bianca back, rehab can’t bring me back. Now, I have this lawyer all over my ass, just fucking great. I tried to tell her, I’m a lost cause, this is hopeless. This Wendy chick, isn’t listening, just telling me to shut up and do as she says. She needs a man to put her over his knee and teach her when to chill the hell out. Simmer down now, simmer down. Damn, she is going to get on my last nerve.
My phone rings, I cringe when I see the number. “What mom?”
She sighs in exasperation. “Well, obviously you’re alive. I got a call from some hospital about you being in an accident, something with contacting next of kin. Just wondering if you were alive or finally dead? Since you picked up the phone I have my answer.”
Before I can say anything else she’s gone. Damn it! I need my escape even more now and I’m stuck in a fuckin’ hospital. Her voice has my heart beating out of my chest. Her disdain and disgust in her tone make me need a fix. My body trembles in withdrawal. My anxiety peaks as I have nothing here to numb the emotional pain and handle my physical needs.
They release me from the hospital. Having nowhere else to go, I take a cab to the shop. Ryder is there, almost like he’s waiting on me. Without even a hello, he starts.
“You gonna get your shit straight now, man?”
Sarcastically I respond. “Not much of a choice with that shark your woman has set on me.”
Then I see a flash of something in his eyes. Regret, remorse, forgiveness, I don’t know exactly. He stands there just shaking his head for a bit.
“Bray, talk to me, damn it! Talk to someone, face whatever is haunting you, and get clean man. You’re good people Brayden. You screw up a hell of a lot but that’s because of the drugs though not you. Get clean and it all will get better, bro.”
Ryder…he thinks it’s so damn simple. Oh just get clean Bray. He doesn’t have to look in the mirror every day and see Bianca staring back at him.
Chapter Thirteen
Change in Scenery
Maggie
Thursday arrives; Dina and I are packed to head to her beach house. I have not spoken with Brayden since the hospital. He has text me multiple times, but I haven’t responded. I don’t know what to say to him.
Dina’s lawyer, Wendy, has stepped in to represent Brayden for his DUI charges. She has also arranged for him to go to an eight week treatment facility in Arizona. He leaves on Tuesday for that. In the four years we have been together, I have never gone more than a week without seeing him. I don’t know how I feel about all of this. I know he needs to go to rehab and get clean. I just don’t know how I didn’t recognize that he was even using. Am I that naïve and blind?
The insurance company totaled out my car, I have a nice check, but can’t decide what I want next. Dina, of course, offers daily to take me car shopping, but I’m not in the mood. Honestly, Dina would rather go look at cars than shoes and has always been like that. She’s the chick that proudly pumps her own gas, changes the oil in her car, and knows how to change a tire, all without the aid or influence of a man.
When we were sixteen, our dads who were friends, made us take Dina’s 1986 Camaro out in the driveway and change the tire. They also taught us to carry a small hammer in our purses on dates. We knew just how to tap a starter on a car with that hammer. We knew how to jump a cars’ battery, and our dads always handed a full gas can to our dates when we would go out. This would eliminate most causes for a car not to start. There would be no getting stranded with a boy in a car for the two of us. And, boy the one time I was late for my curfew, my dad went to Dina’s house to get her dad. The two of them took their Harley’s out and went to find me. Needless to say, that was the last date I ever had with that Landon kid. I just learned the stuff because I had to, Dina, on the other hand, has always had a passion for cars. In high school and college she could always talk shop with the boys. She may have even known more than some of them.
I think that’s why she and Ryder are such a fit; they both share such a passion for old American muscle. When we graduated college, Dina took me to the Chevy dealership and had picked out a really nice new sports car for me. I know her heart sank when I couldn’t get comfortable driving it. Much to my dad’s disappointment I have always liked foreign cars. Dina, seeing the fear in my eyes for the Chevy, instead looked at me and said, pick out whatever car you want for college graduation. They had an Audi dealership next door and an A4 with my name all over it. Now that baby that called out to me from the car lot is gone. I can’t even think of driving anything else.
We get everything loaded in Dina’s Mustang, ready to be on the coast with our toes in the sand. Dina stops by the garage to say goodbye to Ryder. He’s got some work to finish so he couldn’t leave and come with us, but will be coming to the coast tomorrow.
Brayden is at the shop and he looks dreadful. He’s pale, has lost weight, and his eyes look sunken in. Ryder was telling the truth about the withdrawals taking their toll on him. He looks lost and completely disheveled.
He’s approaching the car, so I decide to get out and meet him. I put my hands up so he knows not to hug me. I don’t know how I feel about everything. I don’t want to have a moment of weakness causing me to melt into him.
“Hey, Maggie,” He says and I can sense the trepidation in his voice. “I know you need time to sort through the mess I’ve made for both of us. It’s just… I leave Tuesday for rehab and I’d really like to talk to you. Just think on this… you don’t need to answer me right now. What if I come to the coast with Ryder tomorrow night? I need to face you and your family for my mistakes. We can talk, clear the air, and s
ee what to do next. I love you, Maggie. Just think about it please. If you decide I can come text me later so I know whether to pack or not.”
Before I can form a thought or answer, he turns and walks off, leaving me confused. Part of me wants him at the beach house, the comfort of what I know I have with him. The other part of me says here’s my middle finger, asshole, and move on.
Dina comes back to the car and we both climb in. We spend the five hour drive to beach house in deep discussion of the pros and cons to continuing my relationship with Brayden. Even after that conversation, I still don’t know what to do. I decide to text him, that yes we need to talk. I leave it at that, not telling him to come to the beach but not denying his request. I need to talk with Dina about it but right now I want to see my parents. The change in scenery is exactly what I need to get my mind wrapped around everything. Maybe the change in scenery is the best thing for us to be able to talk if I do let him come.
Brayden
What was I thinking to intrude on her weekend plans? Here she is going away because of me and yet the selfish bastard I am I ask her to let me come. Well, I put it out there, now I guess I’ll wait to see what she decides.
Ryder has been supportive since I got out of the hospital. He has not given me a moment alone. I know this is so I don’t have an opportunity to get high. I’m thankful for his friendship. He has never seen this side of me. By the time we met and became friends in college I was getting clean from my high school drug use, determined to make something of my life. I was clean for a while but I can’t escape the nightmares of my past so I cave and the drugs numb me for a little while. Ryder has never asked me about my family and I make it a point not to question his so he won’t get curious. I haven’t even talked to Maggie about Bianca. Val is the only one that knows.
I know Ryder is concerned about going away this weekend and leaving me behind. There is good reason to be, I don’t know that I can resist and stay clean with Maggie and him away. I leave for rehab Tuesday and I’m pretty ticked off about some of it. The withdrawals already have begun. It’s been awful. I’ve become quite acquainted with the bathroom floor having spent so much time there. I know I need to get clean. It’s not something I can do on my own. I admit, I need to go to a facility, but I don’t need this lawyer breathing down my neck the entire time.
Having to walk away from everyone and everything for eight weeks so that I can be sick from long term withdrawal and psychoanalyzed, that’s just what I’ve always wanted to do. Not. I don’t have flipping daddy issues. I have a damn ghost chasing me. You can’t escape ghosts no matter what you try, that I know for sure. Rehab won’t cure my chemical dependency. And I don’t want to give up my crutch of drugs without having my life back in order. My life won’t be in order without my crutch and with my crutch it’s still falling apart. I’m stuck on the hamster wheel called addiction. The vicious cycle that won’t end. When I’m sober, I don’t want to give in to the power of the drugs, but the reality of my failures stares me in the face. During the high, I can forget that it should’ve been me. I can forget that I’ve spent all my money on dope. I can forget that I tarnish everything I touch. During the high, I’m finally free from the burdens of merely existing.
Chapter Fourteen
Needing to Talk
Maggie
We’re all settled in at the beach. It’s always a set of mixed emotions being here. Dina and I have some great memories here but a lot of those remembrances include her parents.
I told Brayden that yes I’d like him to come. I still don’t know what I want in my future with him, but the thought of him being left back in Charlotte without Ryder concerns me. Ryder hasn’t given Brayden a whole lot of space trying to keep him clean.
Friday is here, Dina and I are out on the beach taking in the peace and tranquility of the ocean waves gently rolling onto the shore. We both sit silently for a while just lost in our own thoughts.
Dina starts to speak, her voice trembling form holding back the tears. “Maggie, what are you going to do about Brayden? This is so awkward for me. I want him to get clean whether you two stay together or not. After so much deception I don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes. What’re you feeling, sweetie?”
So glad she brought him up. “Dina, I don’t know what the future holds for him or me. He leaves for rehab Tuesday.” I pause before continuing. “Dina, please don’t be mad at me, Brayden asked to come here with Ryder. I told him to come. I need to sort things out with him. I also, didn’t want him to have an opportunity to go get high again before rehab. He said he wants to talk with me but also face everyone including my dad about his mistakes.”
I never expected the reaction I get from Dina. Her look turns cold and harsh. “You really want him here? Fine, but it’s on you, he’s not welcome to stay in my parents’ house. I want him clean and sober, but I’ll be damned if he is going to rest his sorry ass comfortably in my dead parents’ house. They’re gone, never to come back because of an irresponsible asshole like him. There’s no difference between him and the man that killed my parents to me. Do you understand that? I want you happy, Maggie, I really do, but I am struggling with Brayden. Wanting him to get clean is one thing; welcoming him with open arms to my house is another completely.”
I start crying, never having seen such bitterness come off my best friend. “Dina, I understand, he’ll be staying at my parents’ house with Harrison and Tiffany. I wish things were different. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but after four years I can’t just turn my back on him.”
“Maggie, I understand that. I’m sorry if you think I’m being a total bitch. But I need you to know where I’m coming from. When Ryder and I were concerned that I might be pregnant, I thought about a lot of things. If I had been pregnant, my mom isn’t here to talk to about it. Ryder loves me, I love him, but my parents don’t get to see that. If Ryder proposes, my dad is gone, he can’t ask for my hand in marriage, my mom won’t be able to go dress shopping with me. At the wedding, the bride’s side will be empty of family except yours. Do you know the level of emptiness that leaves? It’s an emptiness that wouldn’t exist if the asshole would have never gotten behind the wheel of that truck, or wouldn’t have taken even that first drink. Brayden has to get clean above everything else. Imagine if he had hit another car instead of a concrete wall, he could have killed someone else’s parents or kids or siblings. He needs to overcome his addiction and then rebuild his life before you two really can be back together. He’s lost everything by his own doing. He’s cost you, a car, a house, your savings, your trust, and your security, all for the sake of his selfish high. Just think on that Maggie when the time comes to talk to him.”
She is sobbing; I can feel the heartbreak this conversation has stirred in her. “Dina, I’m sorry this is so in your face. I just don’t know what to do. I love him, I want him clean and for both of us to be happy.”
She stands, dusting the sand off of her, “I’m going back to the house, and you do what you need to where Brayden is concerned. I can’t bring myself to see or speak to him right now. When he’s clean and sober then he can face me. I’ll be in my room waiting for Ryder to come. I love you, Maggie. Take time to figure out what it is you really want in life and in a relationship whether it be with Bray or not.”
With that she walks off leaving me alone on the beach with just my thoughts, the smell of the salt from the sea, and the noise of the oceans rhythm. What is it that I really want out of life?
Brayden
Maggie text for Ryder to drop me off at her parent’s house that Dina is still coming to terms with everything. Oh the drama, but I get it. I screwed up royally. Is this really that serious? I guess to her it is. We arrive at the coast. Maggie’s dad, Harold, is waiting for me on the front porch. He greets Ryder first.
“Hello son, good to see you again. You heading to Dina’s now?”
Ryder shook his hand. “Yes, sir, I just wanted to drop Brayden off and say hello to you and
Mrs. Lawson real quick first.”
“Marguerite and Maggie are both inside, Dina’s at her house. Harrison will be in late tonight and wants to have lunch with us tomorrow if you’re available.” Mr. Lawson states still speaking to Ryder.
“Yeah, that sounds good. Dina says I need to try that restaurant with the bar inside that has those honey croissants she loves so much, let’s go there say noon?”
They confirm the plans and with that Ryder goes inside to see Mrs. Lawson.
“Brayden, lets you and me chat for a few before you go see Maggie.” Harold says, leading me to his back shop.
“Mr. Lawson, sir.” I begin, but he cuts me off.
“Brayden, you and Maggie have spent four years together. I’m Harold to you, not Mr. Lawson.” He smiles a genuine smile.
I relax and begin again, “I’m sorry for the mess I’ve gotten your daughter into. I really do love her. I’m just messed up right now. I’ve had it under control before and will again, I promise you that.”
He looks at me and stays silent for a while. He goes to his shop refrigerator and pulls out two beers. He hands me one ice cold Miller Light. We both lean against countertops on either side of the space.
“Brayden, are you getting clean for yourself or for Maggie?” He asks me.
“Maggie, of course, I would do anything for her. I’m not worth fixing myself but to have Maggie secure and happy again, I’ll gladly fix this mess and get clean.” I reply.
“Wrong answer son. I know you love my daughter, I know she loves you. Drug addictions aren’t about loving someone; it’s about running from something. What are you trying so desperately to escape that you’re risking your life with every high?” He asks firmly.
Love and Repair Series Box Set Page 16
