We have a big group dinner coming up that Ryder has scheduled. His invites include Dina, Maggie, Jake, Kenna, Harrison, and me so we will all be in one place together. I need to face them, be candid, straightforward and frank with them about everything I have done. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is necessary for my future.
According to my sponsor these are all the natural progression to my long term sobriety. None of it is meant to be easy, but its purpose is to strengthen my inner resolve to not rely on drugs to deal with my problems. Getting high doesn’t solve anything it only prolongs the issue allow it more time to fester and grow. The pattern becomes a habit that soon rages out of control. I’ve lied, cheated, stolen, and hurt everyone around me. I’ve become the manipulator that no one can trust because I’ve used them all. When I was using, I would’ve done anything to keep my secret safe. Maggie questions how she missed it, but we’ve both learned that addicts of all kinds go to any lengths necessary to keep their addiction hidden. My chemical dependency controlled more than my body, it controlled my mind, and I was too blind to what I was doing to get my next fix to think of anyone else.
Chapter Twenty Five
Looking Brighter
Maggie
I’m so happy for Dina. Ryder approached me after our trip to the beach house to help him plan his proposal. Dina is going to be overjoyed especially when she sees the diamond he bought. It’s perfect for her, a simple round full carat solitaire set in platinum. Dina is not an over the top kind of girl. I drive Dina and me to the restaurant from work unable to take the grin off my face.
“Maggie, why are you so excited tonight for dinner? We do this all the damn time me and you.” Dina asks.
“It’ll be like old times to have all of us together again. It’s refreshing to feel like things are how they should be.” I reply, hoping I’m not giving too much away.
I park the car we head back to the party room I’ve reserved for our group. Everyone arrives and takes a seat. All of us are behaving casually even though each one of us knows what’s coming. Our appetizers come, I giggle looking at Ryder. He is one of the most confident people I’ve ever met. Tonight, however he is fidgety. His nerves showing. I have to look away when Dina notices.
She comments, “Ryder, are you okay? You can’t be still and you haven’t eaten a bite. You always eat babe. Are you not feeling well? Do you want to go home?”
Ryder leans over and kisses her gently but never answers her questions as our dinner arrives. We all eat savoring every delicious bite of our prime ribs, baked potatoes, and salads. Our waitress comes to take our dessert order. Dina says she is too full for anything more. Ryder looks panicked, I smile at him and wink as I order what Dina would normally order.
The waitress comes bringing the brownie delight, placing it in front of Dina. She looks at me, gently nudging the plate over to my space. I shake my head no as Ryder gets out of his seat. He kneels before my closest friend as tears form behind my eyes.
“Dina, you are my Sunshine, you are my everything. I had a speech planned around dessert but being as you’ve decided not to eat it, I’m just going to ask.” Ryder begins pulling the box out of his pocket. Dina is looking around taking in every second of what is happening. “Please, baby, I don’t want to spend one night away from you, I want every morning to start with breakfast together and end with me feeding you dessert in bed. Marry me, Dina?”
She’s crying as she nods yes, unable to form words. I’m crying so Harrison puts his arm around me. One by one we all take the time to congratulate the happy couple. Dina just shakes her head at me mouthing the words, ‘you knew’, at me. I simply smile and nod back at her. Brayden is quiet when I look over at him. He seems happy for them but lost a little bit himself.
“Brayden, we’ll still have our time one day. We’ll get back to what we had and make it even better.” I say as I lean in and kiss him.
Brayden
I’m truly happy for Ryder and Dina. The highlight of my evening came when Maggie told me we would one day have our relationship again. I love that woman. I take a moment after dinner to approach Dina and Ryder.
“Congratulations to both of you. Dina, I want to say I’m sorry I messed up so bad. I needed to be honest with you all from the beginning and I wasn’t. I’m sure by now you know, I took your company credit card. I’ve almost saved the money back to repay you. I hope one day you can forgive me and we can go back to the ease in our friendship before.”
She smiles up at me. “I’m so glad to see you clean Bray. Take care of my bestie, she loves you. I want you both to have this same happiness and moment that Ryder and I are having tonight. It’s all going to be okay. You have friends and people who care about you, learn to lean on all of us.” She hugs me and walks away. That went better than I thought it would.
Maggie and I get back to her place. I look forward to just holding her in my arms tonight. The future is looking brighter than ever before.
Chapter Twenty Six
Permission
3 Months Later
Maggie
My parents have come to visit for the week. We’re all leaving for Vegas. Ryder and Dina have decided to get married there. Dina isn’t comfortable having a traditional wedding without her parents. So we’re making a full on party of it for her so she can really enjoy her special day.
Brayden and I are doing pretty good. He still won’t have sex with me, but he’s making sure my needs are taken care of as much as he can without sex. I want him desperately but he says not until we are truly on solid ground as a couple. According to him, I haven’t forgiven him completely yet, nor has he learned to forgive himself. I’m no longer angry over what happened now. I understand his past, his fears, and insecurities. I now know why he was using. Have I forgiven him? Yes, in my mind I have. Granted, he says we haven’t hit a hard spot yet to really find out just how much I have let go of. Maybe he is walking on egg shells, so to speak, just waiting to mess up, and me flip out.
Brayden took Dina and Ryder out for dinner and made amends with both of them. Dina is actually closer now with Brayden then they even were before. Harrison seems to have bonded with Brayden through all of this. They have a real friendship. Before I think it was a relationship of tolerance, not something genuine.
Harrison and Sophia have been hanging out, both claiming just they’re just friends with benefits. I know a lot about Sophia, I can’t picture my brother being into all her kinds of kink. He is more of a knight in shining armor where women are concerned. He’s a total prick to guys, especially ones trying to date myself or Dina. The women he dates, however, are treated like queens.
I don’t know what happened in South Carolina, but he’s decided not to go back. Ryder has more than enough work to keep Brayden, Jake, and Harrison busy so he’s taken a permanent job there. He found an apartment in Brayden’s building and is moving out once we return from Vegas. I wish he would just stay with me, but he claims a man needs his own territory like a dog. I guess he didn’t want to pee in the corners here and stake claim. Brayden’s around all the time, so I honestly think Harry feels like he is imposing on me now.
My parents arrive, surprising Dina that they’ll be able to be at her wedding. She doesn’t know it but Cory will be meeting us out there. Brayden seems a little nervous around my dad which is not normal. Those two were close before, but apparently my dad was the first person Bray shared his story with so the bond they have is as tight as my dad is with my brother.
Brayden
While Maggie’s parents are here, I need to talk to her dad. The ring I recently purchased is never far from my mind. I want to get this right, make all her dreams come true. I’ve paid back my debt to Dina and caught up all my bills. The ring isn’t huge, but it’s what I can afford and still nice. I finally get a moment alone with Harold at Ryder’s house. I pull out the ring as I begin our talk.
“Mr. Lawson, you know how much and how long I’ve been in love with your daught
er. I know I’ve made some mistakes. I’ve learned from them and through it all my love for Maggie has grown even stronger. She is my better half, truly and I want to make her my wife. Do I have your blessing in asking your daughter to marry me?” He doesn’t say anything for the longest time. This makes me very uncomfortable, so I begin to ramble.
“Mr. Lawson, I know I’m not worthy to even have Maggie as a friend, much less anything more after what I’ve done. I never deserved someone as precious and loving as Maggie in the first place. The thing is, sir, you told me when the time came I would know whether to follow my heart or my head. Well, I’m following both. My heart loves that woman with every beat it makes and every breath inside of me. My head knows she’s good for me, keeps me focused on doing right. So sir, I’m not only asking, I’m begging you to give this your blessing.”
I know I sound like a complete pussy begging this man for permission to propose, but damn it I know Maggie will ask me if I got her dad’s blessing. If they don’t support the engagement Maggie will walk away from me for good and I know it.
Harold smiles at me. “Son, I know you love my daughter. We’ve all made mistakes you need to let go of that. You’re a good man, deep inside you there are issues you have to face daily. You fight those battles just to be with my princess. You’ve always wanted to take care of her. I think you’ve worked really hard to straighten out your mess, Brayden. And Son, yes you have my blessing to marry my one and only daughter.”
For a man that is a little over six feet tall and still works out daily, rides a Harley Davidson in a motorcycle club and has more tattoos than Ryder and me combined, he can be a giant teddy bear where his family is concerned. Don’t get me wrong, he still intimidates the hell out of me. I know if I screw up bad enough, he’ll make sure I’m handled appropriately. As the saying goes in small towns, they won’t find the body. Needless to say I know I don’t want to be on the receiving end of his anger.
Chapter Twenty Seven
Rejection Stings
Maggie
We’re home from the wedding weekend in Vegas. Ryder and Dina are married and my very best friend is so happy. They’ve gone to the Dominican Republic for their honey moon for the next two weeks. That’s the one place Dina has always wanted to go, not Paris, not Italy, the Dominican so as a wedding gift my parents paid for their hotel and air fare. I planned out their vacation so they could have quality time together but also see some of the area.
We have a busy schedule here at work and Dina didn’t want to leave me to do it all alone. Kenna who has become close friends with Dina and me from her boyfriend, Jake working at the garage has agreed to help at the events. When Kenna came on board, Dina finally felt comfortable boarding the plane.
Jake is in charge at the garage while the love birds are away. Ryder and Jake go way back and since they are neighbors they’re watching the house for the happy couple. Jake and Kenna are a cute couple. I don’t know how long they’ve been together just that they’re in love.
Brayden and I have both been so busy we haven’t seen much of each other. Harrison moved out and is enjoying his new apartment. Brayden and I have been staying at his apartment since our return. According to him, we need to be here, in case his new neighbor in the building needs to borrow a cup of sugar. That makes me laugh, I know he just wants to make sure Harrison is settles in because it means so much to me.
I have events Friday night, all day Saturday and Saturday night so he wants to have a brunch date for Sunday. I like the routine we’ve found, things are comfortable again. I can’t even say I have the old Brayden back. Honestly, I have a new and improved Brayden. I love this man with every fiber of my being. I’m happy, finally really happy with everything.
Brayden
Sunday brunch is here. I’m full of nervous energy. Maybe Dina was right, maybe I want to wait and do this when she and Ryder are around for moral support. I know Maggie has waited for this proposal for a very long time so I thought simple might be best.
We arrive at the restaurant and sit to eat. My palms are sweating and I don’t think I can make it through the meal without just asking her. We place our orders and I decide I should ask while we are waiting on our food.
“Maggie, we’ve been through so much together. You have stood by me through it all and helped me to become a better man. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I pull out the box, open it and place it in front of her. She begins to cry as I ask. “Margaret Rose Lawson, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
She doesn’t answer she just cries. Finally, I reach over and hold her hand. She looks me in the eye and I can see the pain in her face.
“I want to say yes, but Brayden I want to know you are clean and going to stay clean. I’m happy with the place we’re in right now. Can we just work on us? You stay clean and ask me again in a year or so when we both know with complete confidence we’re good together.”
Her rejection stings, it burns down in to my core being. I remind myself this is all part of recovery and rebuilding. I broke her trust in the worst of ways so it’s going to take time. This is to make me stronger. With that, I pay for our meal and we head out. I decide I need a little time alone so I drop Maggie off at her house and head to my apartment.
Chapter Twenty Eight
Getting Stronger
Brayden
Sitting here alone, I begin to dwell on the rebuff. There is a nagging voice in my head screaming at me to go get high, escape the pain. After four agonizing hours of fighting my inner self, I manage to not get high and realize maybe Maggie’s right. I’ll give her time, continue to work on myself and reevaluate in a year where we are. It still hurts but I have to accept how she feels right now. She has called multiple times and I know she’s worried since I haven’t answered. I send her a quick text.
I’m ok, needed time. Ur right we still need work. I love u always. No I didn’t get high if that is ur concern. Ttyl
There is a knock on my door. I open it to Harrison standing there.
“Maggie sent me to check on you. She’s worried. What happened?” He asks.
“I’m not high as you can see. I proposed she said not right now. There’s nothing more to tell.” I respond opening the door wider for him to enter.
“Man, I’m sorry B. You know my sister loves you though, right? She wants to marry you. She’s just confused with everything that has happened this past year. Give it some time.”
“I will. I’m not giving up on her or on us. It just wasn’t what I expected so I wanted some time alone to figure things out.” I say looking him in the eye so he sees I really am okay with all of this.
“Nothing to figure out, go on like things have been lately. She wants to be with you, just go on like that. You’re committed to her and she is to you. Marriage is just a ceremony and piece of paper cementing that. One day I know you two will be married, bro. So relax and just work through it.” He states as if this isn’t the biggest let down of my life.
I say nothing as we sit on the couch to play video games. I need to get lost in some Madden football for a while. This distraction is exactly what I need to keep my mind from swirling over my mistakes costing me once again.
Maggie
Harrison text me, letting me relax my nerves. Brayden really is okay just in need of some time. I didn’t want to hurt him. Now isn’t the time for us to get engaged. He’s not been sober long. We’re finally getting to a good place, I’m afraid to mess up what’s good for us right now.
When Dina gets back from her honeymoon I’m going to need her help with the surprise I want to get for my man. I want to reassure him, I’m committed to him long term. I also want him to know your past doesn’t define your future.
The next month goes by things are back to normal for me and Brayden. It’s as if he never proposed. We have been attending his meetings without fail and both of us are becoming more confident in his ability to stay clean.
With help from Dina and Ryder I was able
to find and purchase my surprise for Brayden. Unfortunately, it has incurred some damage and is in need of repair. Brayden can handle fixing this one easily. I have it hidden. I’m not sure when I’ll actually give it to him but it was something I had to have. He’s lost so much, I can’t wait to give him something back.
Chapter Twenty Nine
Salvaged
15 months later
Maggie
I think my previous rejection has made Brayden insecure in our relationship and future. He says he is doing just what I asked and fixing himself. I have been sitting on a big surprise for him for a year now. Maybe if I give him the gift he will understand that I believe in him, I believe in us.
Brayden’s birthday is next week so I begin to plan a barbeque for him at Ryder’s house. Jake and Ryder have a pig cooker, so we will have some pulled pork sandwiches smothered in a coastal North Carolina traditional vinegar sauce. My mouth waters just at the idea, add some coleslaw, macaroni and potato salad, hushpuppies and I am one happy girl. My parents are coming into town for the barbeque as well, so it’s the perfect time for my unveil.
The day of the barbeque arrives. We have my family and all of our closest friends around, well minus Valerie, she’s not is the place to be of support to Brayden. Vanessa comes with her mom and kids though. Brayden is alive again to see them. After we all fill up with some great food and a few beers, I ask Ryder to open his back garage off the house for me. I take Brayden by the hand.
“Baby, you’ve come so far. I love you, always have and always will. I wanted to get you something to show you how much you mean to me. It’s not in the condition it once was in, but I am sure you can bring it back better than before.” I say as I’m getting anxious to show him.
Love and Repair Series Box Set Page 20
