Chapter Twenty-Eight
Dylan
I arrived at the studio feeling all kinds of distracted.
We were recording the new Dirty album at Left Coast Studios, and today was our second day. Yesterday had gone well. We’d recorded the title track, “To Hell & Back,” in a matter of hours, by candlelight, and it felt surreal and powerful and fucking amazing being in a room together again, just Zane, Jesse, Elle, Seth and me. Playing our music together.
Woo, our longtime producer, was producing the album, and Jesse was co-producing. If you asked me, it was shaping up to be our best album since our debut, Love Struck. I’d voiced that opinion to the rest of the band, and while they wouldn’t all admit that they were as sure about that as I was, I knew we all felt it.
We had a kind of magic going on in the room that we hadn’t felt, on that level, in years—now that we had Seth back, and Jessa’s input on the songs again.
I was as sure as I’d ever been that the album was gonna be killer.
What I wasn’t so sure about was what was going on at home.
When I walked into the studio and saw my band there, my drums, I relaxed a little. This was my second family. My second home. Other than being on the road, onstage, the studio was my favorite place to be with my band.
Of course, my band life had its limitations. Because the two people I cared about most weren’t here. They weren’t a part of this, and for the first time in my life that felt off—that someone I was intimately involved with wasn’t a part of this.
I’d been able to tour with Ash quite a bit, so he was often part of the picture. Sometimes I even brought him to gigs or events with me, even if the Pushers weren’t involved. He’d been my plus one more often than a woman ever had been. The Pushers were coming on the next tour with us, too; at least, part of it.
But what about Amber?
I had a shitty feeling about what was gonna happen with her once things ramped up with the band and promo got crazy and we took off on tour.
And she went to fucking Thailand or wherever without me.
When I met her, I didn’t even want a girlfriend. Now, I definitely didn’t want a long-distance one.
I wanted her.
But I definitely didn’t want to hurt him.
I was kinda dreading heading home at the end of the day, facing those two people I cared about so much. Knowing that one of them might get hurt by what I was gonna have to do, if things continued like they were.
The problem was, I wanted Amber to myself in a way I hadn’t wanted a woman since Ash and I started doing the threesome thing.
Maybe I’d never really wanted a woman this way.
Getting serious about a woman had always seemed to get in the way of the other things I wanted.
But not Amber. She just fit, in every way.
And then there was Ash…
Putting his hand on me the other night.
Fuck.
What the fuck was I gonna do?
I flopped onto a couch, barely listening as the band talked about the song we were planning to record today, “Blackout.” It was one of my favorites, but I really wasn’t tuned in. There was some breakfast stuff laid out on a table, but I didn’t touch it. Didn’t put in a coffee order when Maggie asked what we wanted.
I just tried to look like I was here, when in reality, my head was gone.
I never realized until now how much I could want this. A woman who understood me. Who gelled with me like Ash did, but challenged me, too. Kept things interesting. Held my attention.
I’d never had a woman in my life who just fit the way Ash did. Someone who I just had that easy, effortless chemistry with.
I knew Amber had chemistry with Ash, too.
But the fact was, I couldn’t be with Ash in the way I was starting to suspect he really wanted me to. It was never about that, for me.
“You okay, man?” Zane asked, tossing a bagel at me. I caught it and nodded.
“I’m good,” I said. “Let’s get going on this song.” I wanted to play so I couldn’t think about this anymore.
“Still waiting on Jesse,” Woo said.
Right. I glanced around… I hadn’t even noticed he wasn’t here yet.
Elle frowned at me and patted my leg. She was sitting next to me, and I hadn’t even noticed that either.
“Rough night?” she asked. She was with me last night, here at the studio, so I could only assume she meant whatever happened to me after that.
“Just tired,” I said, and I got up to go tinker with my drums. I tossed the bagel back in the box and grabbed an apple, stuffing it in my mouth. Figured maybe if my mouth was full, no one would try to get me to talk.
Why did I let it go that far?
Let Ash touch me like that?
Because you want him to be happy.
I knew that much was true, in my own defense. Stupid, maybe, but true.
And the way I felt about Amber… I knew I couldn’t share her with Ash forever.
When did this shit get so fucking complicated?
I sat down behind my drums in the drum room, and tried to shut out all the noise. The noise in the studio. The noise in my head. But I couldn’t quite tune it out. It was consuming me, in a really fucking bad way.
When Amber walked into my life, I really didn’t see this coming. I really wasn’t looking for a relationship. Now, I didn’t know what to do about it—or what I’d do without her.
I’d just seriously never been in this position before.
Kinky threesomes were one thing. Even committed with Kitty between us, it was all about sex.
With Amber, it was about so much more.
It was about everything.
She fit into my life in every way a woman could… so much so, that now it was starting to feel like Ash was the one who didn’t fit the same way he used to.
The worst past about that? I was pretty fucking sure that Ash was starting to feel it. That’s why he was pushing it. Why he accused me of falling for her, of planning to leave him.
Why he touched me like that, while I was fucking her.
Just… fuck.
Everything was changing.
And the most fucked up part was… I didn’t even want to stop it.
That night, I got back to the house before Ash did. Amber said he’d gone into the city mid-day, but I didn’t ask for details. I just swept her up in my arms, carried her upstairs, dumped her on my bed and stripped her naked. There was an urgency building in me, this need to be inside her, to fuck her before Ashley came home.
So I wouldn’t have to share her.
“You’re home… um, early,” she said, kinda breathless as I went down on her.
I had her crying out, begging for cock, within minutes, and then I gave it to her. Hard and fast and for a long fucking time. I couldn’t get enough of her. The idea of making her mine was making me fucking crazy.
I’d never lost my shit like this over a girl.
Ever.
I had her on her back on the bed, her legs spread around my waist, her hands pinned beneath mine, and I fucked her like that until she came. I didn’t touch her clit with my fingers. I had to make her come with nothing but my dick driving into her, my body slamming against hers.
She gasped and half-screamed and fucking shivered, and I watched her face. The way her mouth dropped open and drifted closed. The way she licked her soft lip. The way her eyes softened as she melted, her body going limp beneath me, and she looked at me the way she did.
Gone.
I was totally fucking gone for this girl.
Had been, for a while now.
No way was I giving her up, or sharing her with fucking anyone.
“So good…” she murmured in her soft, sexy voice.
My balls tightened and I felt the pressure building, creeping down my spine. Rushing toward her…
“Amber… fuck, I’m gonna come.”
“Yeah… baby…” she breathed, her hands smoothing down ove
r my ass and squeezing. Her whole body tightened around me as I rammed into her, deep.
And the most intense orgasm I’d ever had tore through me.
It was all I could feel, every-fucking-where, as I shot into her.
I groaned as the pressure released, as I fucking melted over her. My brain swirled. I saw black.
I drew a ragged breath and collapsed against her, just trying not to crush her in the process. My whole body had turned to jelly. “Holy fuck.”
“Yeah,” she sighed and kinda giggled, her hands drifting lightly up my back, then into my hair.
We lay like that for a long while, breathing hard. I couldn’t think. My brain had finally shut down.
Thank fuck.
Eventually, Amber slithered out from beneath me to take a quick shower. “I’m all covered in come,” she said, kissing my cheek. I smacked her ass as she went, and watched her dash into the bathroom, naked.
While she was gone, I tried not to start brooding and fucking sulking again. It was pretty much all I’d done today. We didn’t even finish recording “Blackout” because the drums needed to be laid down again. I kept fucking it up, and I never fucked up. I had the song nailed in rehearsal, could play this whole album backwards and forwards, but today, I’d fucked up.
Woo had finally called it and sent me home early.
And everyone had definitely seemed a little concerned and confused by my performance.
Why so tense? Elle had asked me gently as I left.
He just needs Ash and their girl to polish his knob, Zane had cut in. He’ll be good as new tomorrow.
I didn’t even bother responding to that. Zane had been making juvenile jokes about Ash polishing my knob for the last five years. Was probably just jealous we’d never invited him in for a gang bang.
When Amber came back to bed, she collapsed against me, all soft and warm and smelling of my shower gel, and I put my arm around her. She lay her head on my chest. I could’ve fallen asleep, I was that comfortable, even though it was barely seven p.m..
I laid my hand on her bare hip and ran my thumb up and down the curve of her hipbone.
“I’ve been thinking,” I told her. “You asked me to tell you about my gnarly stuff. My worst qualities. And I realized I never really answered you on that. So I guess that’s one of my worst qualities.”
“What is?”
“I just tend to avoid confrontations and drama and, I dunno, upsetting people.”
“That doesn’t sound like a bad quality to me,” she said.
“I can be pretty laid-back.”
“I noticed.”
“Some people find it aggravating.”
She peered up at me. “Why?”
“I dunno. Maybe you get mad about something, get worked up, and I don’t. Instead, I check out. That can infuriate some people.”
Her lips twitched in amusement. “Bet it infuriates the shit out of Ashley.”
“Sometimes.”
“So why don’t things upset you?”
“They do. I just don’t dwell on them. Or I avoid them. I disappear.” Even as I said it, I knew I wasn’t being fully honest. I’d be upset as hell if she walked out of my life right now, got on that plane to Thailand or wherever.
“So what does upset you?” she asked me.
“People I care about being upset, I guess.”
She shook her head, rolling it back and forth on my chest a little.
“What?”
“No one’s that perfect, Dylan. You have to have some shitty qualities. Everyone does.” She gazed up at the ceiling. “Like me, for example.”
“You?”
“Me. I’m impatient, flighty, sarcastic, and I can be overly judgmental. Hard on people as a way of driving them away. Pretending I don’t care as much as I do.” She looked at me. “That’s pretty shitty.”
I just stared at her. I heard what she was saying, and I’d definitely seen evidence of all those traits in her. But if I told her they honestly didn’t bother me, would she believe me? How did I make her see that, without her thinking I was just trying to be “perfect” or something?
“Well,” I said carefully, “you’re strong. You’re independent. You’re so passionate about your photography. I respect all of that. You have ideals and you stand up for them, and for yourself. You’re also beautiful and sexy and intriguing as fuck. When I’m not with you, I think about you way too fucking much, and when I’m with you, I don’t want to be anywhere else.”
“Really?” she said, kinda trying not to smile, but her eyes were sparkling.
“Really. And… this thing happens, when you smile at me. I feel it, deep. I feel you, even when you’re not around. Does that sound lame?”
“It’s not lame, Dylan,” she said softly.
“I want more of it,” I told her honestly. “Even if I just had you, I want more. That’s some intense chemistry, Amber.”
She just gazed at me.
“And you’re brave. You were willing to take a chance on Ash and me.”
“Okay… have you seen the two of you?” Her lips quirked. “I wouldn’t be the only woman to take that chance, you know.”
“But you were scared. And Ash was a dick to you at first. And you still took the chance.”
“Because you’re that hot.”
I shook my head, smoothing a thick lock of her hair off her cheek and admiring her. Her delicate cheekbones and her freckles. And that blend of sass and fear in her eyes. “Man. You are so like him, you know?”
“What?”
“That self-protective thing. Making jokes. Saying stupid shit to avoid admitting how you feel.”
She kinda rolled her eyes. “It’s not stupid to point out how hot you are. It’s factual. And don’t think I haven’t noticed how you keep avoiding shit, too.”
“What shit am I avoiding?”
“I don’t know. But you just told me that’s what you do. So, you tell me. What exactly are you avoiding telling me right now?”
I didn’t answer that. I honestly didn’t know how to say it.
I’d never said those three words to a woman before. I was all nervous and worked up about it, like some virgin—afraid I was gonna blow it by rushing it too hard and too fast.
What if I scared her right onto that plane?
“I mean, if you don’t want to tell me,” she said, her tone taunting, “I could always ask Ashley. See if he knows what’s up. Surely he knows your most annoying qualities, if anyone does…” She sat up, swiping her phone from the bedside table.
I didn’t stop her, even though my heart was pounding, wondering what Ash would tell her. She texted something, presumably to him. I couldn’t read it from where I lay.
When her phone pinged with an incoming message, she read it, but she didn’t turn it to show me. She looked at me, though, her green eyes wide.
I took the phone from her hand and read the conversation on the screen.
Amber: What’s the most annoying thing Dylan’s done lately?
Ashley: Fell in love with you.
By the time I looked up, Amber was getting out of bed. I watched her slip on her little lace panties with the flowers on them. She was so fucking sexy, even when she was running scared.
“Where’re you going?”
“Just getting dressed,” she said, too brightly.
“Why?”
“Because we’re done here. Right?” I watched her put on her bra, getting the straps tangled up. She swore, tore it off and started over again, trying to pretend like she wasn’t totally flustered. “I’m gonna throw together a salad and make some balsamic dressing. Ashley said he’d do steaks for you guys when he gets back—”
“We should talk, Amber.”
“Yeah. Should,” she said, pulling on her jeans. “But you know, I’m an avoider, and you’re an avoider, so for now, let’s just go have dinner.” She slipped on her blouse and fluffed her hair. “Ashley will be home in a few, and we’ll have some beers.” When I didn’t
move, she tugged the sheet off of me. “Come on! It’ll be fun.”
Then she gave me one of those smiles of hers that hit me right in the heart—with just a glint of terror in her eyes—and bolted out of the room.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ash
I rolled over in bed, stretching, and found myself pressed up against Amber’s naked body. I was naked too, so I rubbed up against her a bit, enjoying the feel of her warm, soft skin. I slipped my arm over her. Then I glanced across the bed.
“Where’s Dylan?”
“Gone,” she said, sleepily. “He got up early and went to do some stuff, then head to the studio.”
Fine with me. I would’ve liked him to be here, but hell, I was glad to have Amber alone.
Lately, I was growing more and more afraid of losing her completely to Dylan… and losing Dylan in the process. I didn’t even want to admit to myself how much that fucking terrified me. But it was starting to creep in through the cracks in the walls I’d put up to shield myself from it all.
Any day now, it was all gonna come crumbling apart around me.
I knew that. And all I knew how to do to prevent it from happening was hold on tighter.
So I pulled Amber close now.
“You kiss him goodbye for both of us?” I asked her.
“Of course.”
I let my hand drift over the soft curves of her body, over her tits. She stirred and kind of whimpered. It seemed to me that she’d been getting softer with me all along the way, opening to me, letting me in, the way she’d done with Dylan in bed from the start.
In the beginning, when I’d first fucked her, I’d definitely seen her as a way to get closer to Dylan. Maybe I’d used her, just a bit. I was always afraid that he was gonna fall for her. And now, I knew that he had.
But along the way, I’d definitely started falling for her too.
Which just complicated the fuck out of things. But who was I to know? The girl annoyed the shit out of me. Or so I’d thought. I really didn’t think I’d end up liking her so damn much.
Truth was, I really didn’t think I’d let myself like her so much.
Dirty Like Dylan: A Dirty Rockstar Romance (Dirty, Book 4) Page 33
