by Nicci French
Beyond the people, the special decorations, the bunting and the exhibition, Braxton High School was both changed and utterly familiar, as if she were revisiting her past in a dream. She walked out of the main hall and along a corridor with classrooms on either side. An extension had been built at the end, jutting out into the old playground. All the classroom doors were new and brightly coloured. The whole space had been scoured year after year by new cohorts of teenagers but something remained, a smell, the feel of the wooden floor, so that she felt herself back there, and it was no longer a memory but a vivid, queasy sense of dread and darkness. She could hardly believe that she had come back but she reminded herself that there was a reason: she had a promise to keep.
Returning towards the noise of what now sounded like a boisterous party, she saw a couple walking along the corridor. Their faces were turned away from her towards a project on the wall. As she got closer, she recognized the man.
‘Lewis,’ she said.
He turned round and smiled. ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Looks like we couldn’t keep away.’
The woman with him was tall, curvy and very dark, like a gypsy. She wore a knee-length black shirtdress, belted at the waist. Frieda saw what looked like a chain wrapped around one of her ankles but then recognized as an ornate tattoo. Lewis introduced her awkwardly as Penny, then introduced Frieda with a complicated and incoherent explanation of who she was, which made Penny look at Frieda with new attention.
‘Max has been talking about you,’ she said.
‘We’ve got some interests in common,’ said Frieda.
‘He’s being a bit mysterious at the moment. Is everything all right?’
‘I think it will be.’ She looked at Lewis. ‘He’s a thoughtful young man. I like him.’
His face relaxed. ‘Good. In fact, he’s here tonight.’
‘Here?’
‘A group of them are helping out with the catering. Roped in, volunteered, whatever. He’ll probably offer you a cocktail sausage or a mini pizza. Though you might not recognize him – he had to put on smart trousers and a jacket.’
‘I’ll keep an eye out.’
‘We’re going outside for a smoke. Some things never change. You want to join us?’
‘There are some people I need to see.’
‘So one thing has changed.’ He turned to Penny. ‘We used to go out to the sports field at lunchtime.’
Penny slid her arm through Lewis’s and smiled at Frieda. She obviously wasn’t one of those women who Chas had said were jealous of their partner’s past.
Frieda walked back into the hall, where she had to push her way through the crowd. Some still looked like children, others were her own age and a few were much older. This was where she had come from. Frieda felt a lurch at the thought, then saw Vanessa clutching two plastic glasses and looking around. She wore a dark silk dress with a flowery jacket. When she saw Frieda she gave a nervous smile. ‘I was bringing a drink for someone but I’ve forgotten who they are and I can’t find them anyway. Do you want it?’
‘What is it?’
‘White wine.’
‘All right.’
Frieda took a sip. At least it was cold.
‘Is Ewan here?’
‘He’s around somewhere.’
‘He’s right behind you,’ said a voice, and she felt his arm around her shoulders. Ewan kissed her on both cheeks, then held her at arm’s length. ‘You’re a sight for sore eyes,’ he said. ‘I’ve just bumped into Mrs Flannigan. You know, the old PE teacher. God, she terrified me. I used to pretend I was ill on days when we had PE. Cross-country runs. Do you remember?’
‘Yes.’
‘It was all right for you. You could run, which I couldn’t, and also you looked great in shorts. Which I certainly didn’t. Jeremy! Jeremy, over here.’ He waved both arms in the air. ‘I was just saying that Frieda looked great in shorts.’
‘She probably still does,’ said Jeremy. He was wearing a silvery-grey suit and a red bow-tie. Maybe that was the latest look in the City, thought Frieda.‘Where’s Catrina?’ asked Vanessa. ‘Catrina was in the year below us,’ she explained to Frieda. ‘That’s why Jeremy’s here.’
‘I think she’s in some screaming huddle near the front door,’ said Jeremy. ‘It’s really strange. As if people aren’t just remembering the past but actually returning to it. Soon everyone will be snogging on the dance floor.’
‘Speak for yourself,’ said Vanessa.
‘I won’t be snogging anyone but you, honey,’ said Ewan, patting her on the back as if she had hiccups.
‘That’s because it was Vanessa you were snogging then,’ said Jeremy, with a laugh that took everyone by surprise. ‘But who was I snogging?’ He looked at Frieda, who turned away.
‘Are you having a good time?’ she asked Vanessa.
Vanessa took a gulp of wine. ‘I’m not sure. I suppose I must be. Have you met any old schoolmates?’
‘A couple.’
‘Does it bring back happy memories?’
‘My memories of the school are a bit mixed.’
‘Max,’ said Ewan, turning with a smile. ‘What a transformation. Hey, watch out!’
Max, dressed in black and his hair brushed flat, was holding out a silver tray at a tilt. Several smoked-salmon blinis slithered to the floor and lay face down. A gaggle of teenagers, most of them girls, stood nearby, also carrying trays. They were giggling at him. Frieda saw Ewan and Vanessa’s daughter, Charlotte, among them.
Vanessa stooped and picked them up. She was wearing a dress that was slightly too small for her, her breasts almost bursting out. Frieda saw Max glance down, then quickly away, mortified.
‘How are you?’ Frieda asked him.
‘I don’t know why I’m here.’
‘I know what you mean.’
‘Have you seen my dad?’
‘He’s with Penny. Who seems very nice,’ she added encouragingly.
‘Is he … you know?’
‘He’s fine. I think he’s having a cigarette outside.’
‘I’m a bit drunk,’ he admitted. ‘I can embarrass him for once. I finish at half nine. Could we have a talk before I go home?’
‘Shall I meet you by the swings?’
‘Hello, girls.’ It was Chas again. He put an arm round Vanessa and Frieda. ‘Are you meeting up with some of your old flames?’
‘No.’ Frieda stepped out of his embrace.
‘I’ve only just arrived,’ said Vanessa.
‘I’ve already encountered a couple of my guilty pleasures.’
‘I don’t even want to know what that means.’ But Vanessa giggled.
‘I’ve had a couple of women of a certain age come up to me and, well, you know, it’s funny the things you’ve forgotten about until someone reminds you.’ He glanced at Frieda. ‘I suppose you disapprove of the idea of guilty pleasures.’
Frieda was spared having to answer when she noticed Eva standing on her own and walked across to join her.
‘Thank God,’ Eva said. She was dressed in a brightly striped dress and had put on blue eye-shadow. ‘Finally someone I recognize. I really thought I’d know more people but most of them look too young to come to a reunion. Or too old. You look nice, though – I love that scarf thing. Or is it a stole? Do I look like a tent? Is Josef with you?’
The last question was such a sudden change of subject that it took Frieda by surprise. ‘You mean with me at the reunion?’
‘He could have come. He said he might. People are bringing people.’
‘He’s got a job on a big construction project in London.’
‘Good for him.’
‘Look, Eva, if you want to talk about it …’
‘Because that’s your job, isn’t it? But there’s nothing to talk about. It was one of those modern adult sort of relationships. No commitment on either side. Just two people having a good time.’ She raised her glass, then saw that it was empty. ‘Can I get you another drink?’
‘I’
m fine.’
‘Now, look over there. Do you remember Mr Hollesley?’
Frieda saw him talking to the two women she had failed to recognize earlier. They were gazing up at him adoringly. ‘Greg. Yes. I met him the other day.’
‘Greg,’ said Eva, admiringly. ‘I would never dare call him that. He’ll always be Mr Hollesley to me. He’s still so handsome. But there were some people who called him Greg even when we were at school. Do you remember Teresa Marland?’
‘I remember the name.’
‘Do you remember the school trip to Belgium?’
‘I didn’t go on school trips.’
‘If Teresa Marland is here, ask her about the hotel room in Ghent and Mr Hollesley and see if she goes red.’
‘I don’t think I will.’
‘Things were different in those days,’ said Eva. ‘They couldn’t get away with it now.’ She looked more closely at Frieda. ‘Am I shocking you?’
‘No,’ said Frieda, slowly. ‘It’s just hearing you talk about what happened with you and Josef. It was painful for you. Then, hearing you talk like that about Greg Hollesley and that girl, as if it was just fun.’
‘Well,’ said Eva, ‘we’re at a reunion. We’re meant to be laughing about the past. All of us have things we’re not proud of.’
‘Like what?’’
‘We just do. This isn’t the evening to talk about it. Or then again, maybe this is the only evening to talk about it.’
From then on the evening was like a series of snapshots, flashes in a dream. Greg Hollesley came up to her and gave her a kiss on both cheeks, wine breath and aftershave. Max reappeared, and this time he was clearly drunk, swaying on his feet, his tray tipping and wine spilling over the brim of the glasses. Lewis and Penny came back into the room, looking blurry. He whispered something in Penny’s ear and she laughed. Was he telling her something about what Frieda was like as a teenager? Was it funny? Then she saw Eva go up to them. She looked a bit drunk and she put her arms round Lewis’s neck while Penny watched with a bemused expression.
She saw Vanessa and asked her where Ewan was. She wanted to ask him something about the evening, that other evening when they had been together, most of them, most of the time. So many alibis. So few opportunities.
‘He went out with some of the gang for a cigarette. They’re probably behind the bike sheds.’
‘He doesn’t smoke.’
‘He did when he was sixteen, though.’
She saw Chas deep in conversation with one of the women she’d met early on, not Paula, the other. He raised a hand and pushed a strand of hair away from her face, and then touched her lip with his thumb, very gently. It was like watching him at work at a party many years ago. Where was his wife, rail-thin, wretched Clara? She found her in the Ladies. She was standing in front of a mirror, absolutely immobile, staring at her reflection as if she’d seen a ghost.
‘Should I leave him?’ she asked Frieda, as if they were continuing a conversation they’d started earlier.
‘Leave Chas?’
‘Yes. You tell me.’
‘I have no idea. It’s not something anyone can decide for you. And I don’t even know you.’
‘You know Chas, though.’
‘Not really.’
‘I think I have to leave him. But I know I won’t.’
Eva and Vanessa burst in. ‘Guess what?’
‘What?’
‘There’s a fight going on in the playground.’
‘Between who?’
‘I don’t know. Men with fists. It doesn’t look like in the movies, though, more like a messy, undignified scramble.’
Frieda touched Clara’s thin arm. ‘You don’t have to stay, you know,’ she said, then walked back into the noise. The music had started up.
‘Want to dance?’ asked Jeremy, appearing at her side. His head was shiny with sweat. ‘For old times’ sake?’
‘No.’
‘Can’t you even say, “No, thank you”?’
‘I’ll dance,’ said Vanessa.
‘Where’s Ewan?’
‘Probably talking about computers,’ said Vanessa, with a laugh. ‘He was never a great dancer. He just sort of bounced.’
Frieda saw that Maddie Capel had arrived, in a shiny, short red dress with red lipstick like a gash across her face. As she looked at her, Frieda thought, This is what this is all about, people coming here and dressing themselves up and performing in order to say, Here I am. This is what I’ve made of myself. This is what time has done to me. This is what I’ve become.
And then she thought, Someone in this room raped me, raped and killed Sarah May, raped and killed Becky Capel. He’s here.
The music got louder, the lights were turned down lower, people were dancing, at first just a few pairs, then a thickening crowd. It was like a teenage party performed by a middle-aged cast. She saw Eva dancing with a man she didn’t recognize, Greg Hollesley dancing with a woman she didn’t recognize, then with Maddie, holding her close. Maddie’s eyes were shut and her mascara had smudged: she’d been crying. She saw Jeremy standing at the side with his wife, who was saying something in his ear, angrily. His bow-tie had unravelled. She saw Chas walking out of the hall with the woman who wasn’t Paula. She saw Clara leave, car keys in her hand.
‘Aren’t you going to dance?’ Frieda looked around. Lewis was there, but not Penny.
‘No.’
‘Not with me?’
‘Not with anyone.’
‘Why did you come this evening?’
‘Why did you?’
He shrugged. ‘A trip down memory lane?’ he suggested. ‘Look at us all.’
‘I like Penny.’
‘You think she can save me?’
‘I think only you can save you.’
‘Same old Frieda. You shouldn’t have come back.’
‘People keep saying that.’
Eva broke away from her partner and made her way towards them. She’d taken off her shoes and her hair had come loose. She looked absurdly young. ‘Come and dance, Lewis,’ she said, holding out her hand to him.
‘Not just now.’
‘Please. Just once.’
He took her hand and let himself be led into the crowd. He’d always been a good dancer.
‘All alone?’ It was Vanessa again, breathing slightly heavily.
‘Hello. Are you enjoying yourself?’
‘Well,’ Vanessa began, then stopped. ‘Wait here,’ she said, and disappeared into the crowd. A couple of minutes later she re-emerged. She was clutching a bottle of white wine and two plastic glasses. ‘Let’s go outside for a moment. I can’t talk in here.’
The two of them walked out of the front entrance of the school, the one that was normally reserved for teachers. They sat down on a low wall. It was dark now and they could see shapes of people around them. Some had their arms around each other, kissing, murmuring. There was a glow of cigarette ends, the smell of smoke.
‘How old are these people?’ said Vanessa. She poured wine into two of the glasses and handed one to Frieda. Then she took a cigarette packet out of her pocket. She offered one to Frieda, who shook her head. She lit one for herself. ‘For one night only,’ she said. She took a deep drag, then coughed.
‘I was going to ask you,’ said Frieda, when Vanessa had got her breath back. ‘Max told me about Becky giving you a package to keep.’
‘That’s right. He seemed very agitated about it.’
‘Why did she give it to you?’
‘I have no idea. I imagine she didn’t want Maddie finding it.’
‘Do you know what it was?’
‘It was all taped up. She obviously didn’t want anyone prying.’
‘You weren’t tempted to look?’
‘Of course I was tempted. But she trusted me so I couldn’t. One of the things you learn with having children is that they have to have their secrets.’
‘There are good secrets and then there are secrets that are better told.’
‘Yes.’ Vanessa sighed. ‘Now I wish I’d made her confide in me more, but at the time it seemed like she was just another adolescent. Like Charlotte. Or Max – he’s another one I fear for.’
‘He’s very upset about Becky.’
‘That’s complicated, of course.’
‘Why? They were friends.’
‘Is that what he told you?’
‘Yes.’
‘He was more like her stalker. I think he scared her a bit. That’s why I was a bit taken aback when he came storming round to our house asking for that bundle she left. It seemed odd.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘I don’t think I’m saying anything in particular. Just that you shouldn’t believe everything Max tells you. He’s very like his father was, isn’t he? I know you and Lewis went out, but that was decades ago. He always was a bit of a strange one.’
‘Who isn’t?’
Vanessa laughed. ‘That’s true. Anyway, I feel sorry for the young ones. It makes me remember what it was like at that age. So intense. So easy to go off the rails.’
‘You were close to Becky.’
‘She was a sweet, vulnerable girl and she was friendly with my girls. I was fond of her. I wish I’d been able to help her.’
‘I’m sure you did what you could.’
‘I don’t know.’ Vanessa said. ‘And I worry about the effect on others. I do feel anxious about Max, though.’
‘In what way?’
‘I think he let Becky’s suicide get to him. He seemed distraught. I’m afraid he may do something stupid.’
‘He seems all right to me,’ said Frieda.
‘He’s so unstable, like his father. I talked to him this evening and something about him really scared me. It reminded me of her.’
Frieda started to say something but then a man stumbled past them, brushing up against Frieda so that her wine spilled.
‘That was Jeremy,’ said Vanessa.
‘I know.’
‘Where’s he off to?’
Frieda just shrugged.
‘You hate this place, don’t you?’
‘That’s not right exactly.’
‘You know, people can surprise you, even at their worst.’
