Heart in a Box

by Ally Sky

  "You're so sure . . ." he mumbles in what seems like insecurity. I think I'm the only one who knows this side of him.

  "Make love to me." My eyes shine and my heart thumps wildly. "I'm ready."

  He looks at me for another moment, in hesitation, then reaches back and pulls his shirt and throws it to the floor. I lie down and watch him taking off his jeans, then climbing into the bed in his underwear. His lips find mine immediately, and he kisses me and takes my breath away.

  I lie in bed staring at the ceiling. Midnight. Vivian has been asleep for some time now and I'm turning from side to side and finding no rest. What happens now? Where do we go from here? And why of all things am I thinking about our first time?

  I have to think about our last morning and the promise he broke. I have to think about the day when he didn't answer my calls, and I made up all those explanations: he must have forgotten it at home, probably forgot to charge it. I have to think about the white dress I tore from myself and the note he left, the hours and days when I thought he would appear and apologize and plead for my forgiveness and explain himself.

  But the weeks passed and he had disappeared as if the earth had swallowed him, and my belly continued to grow and grow until I stopped counting the days and stopped waiting.

  I reach to my belly, my fingers brushing over the scar. How could you not be there, Colin? How could you let me go through it alone? I close my eyes and try to silence the thoughts that insist on invading my mind and chasing away my sleep.

  My mother freezes, her coffee cup midair, as we sit in her kitchen at five in the afternoon. She seems to be making an effort not to let her slumped jaw drop even further. Vivian is at a friend's house and I'm going to pick her up in an hour.

  "So…that's pretty much everything we've been through," I finish updating her on all the events that took place last night. Today was probably one of the worst days I’ve had. I walked around restless, trying to fend off all the fears that have arisen in me since Colin left my house.

  "And how was seeing him again?" My mother gets over the shock.

  Of all the questions, that's the one that interests her the most?

  "I leaped into his arms and showered him with kisses, and I told him I always knew he'd come back," I reply sarcastically.

  "Elizabeth!"

  "How do you think it was?" I roll my eyes. "You should have seen him sitting on the rug with Viv, playing with dolls, as if he'd done it all her life."

  "Maybe he won't be a terrible father, after all," she mumbles.

  "Come on, he could be on a plane on his way to the other end of the world, and I wouldn't have a clue."

  "You'll have to go one day at a time," she uses one of her clichés. "Did you two talk about what happened? What happens next?"

  "Barely," I shake my head. I didn't tell her about the meeting at the cafe or the phone call that followed.

  "You know he won't make do with this one visit." My mother puts her hand on my shoulder, "It was just the beginning. It sounds like he wants to build a relationship with Vivian."

  "We'll see," I shrug.

  "Liz, stop fooling yourself, you have to have plans."

  "What plans, Mom? How many days a week he can see her?"

  "For a start."

  "You're not serious, he came back three minutes ago, and you take his side?"

  "I'll never take his side, I'm thinking about your daughter," she answers quietly.

  "Thank god you remember she's my daughter," I continue. "What are you going to say next, that he's her father, that he has rights?"

  "I'm not saying anything, you're jumping to conclusions, and if I were you I'd think good and hard how to tell your daughter her father is back."

  "Don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself?"

  "How long will you pretend? A month, two months, a year?"

  "Until he leaves again?"

  "Is that what you really want?" She glares at me hard. "Would you rather he leave and Vivian not have a father?"

  "I don't trust him!"

  "Of course you don't, and no one blames you, but you have to put your child as your number one priority and not let your fierce hatred blind you!"

  "Why do you love him so much?" I stand up angrily, pushing my chair back. "Dad hates him, he warned me, and you . . ." I wave at her.

  "I what?" She doesn't get riled "I Should have hated him because he played football in high school?"

  "It worked for Dad," I remind her, not that she's forgotten.

  "And that would have brought Morgan back?" The words spill out of her in pain. "Would turn the wheel back, if I hated Colin so you weren’t with him? So you could have suffered in the name of Morgan’s memory?"

  "Dad expected me to punish myself for something I don't even remember," I almost whisper. "I can barely remember what he looked like."

  "Your father didn't want pictures of him anywhere, and I respected his wish."

  "He didn't want to talk about him, he didn't want us to mention him, and in the end, I had a brother I hardly knew. I don't remember any other life. From the age of four I was an only child, and I fell in love with the wrong guy."

  "Do you think Colin was the wrong guy?"

  "I think Dad was right."

  "Your father was the one who found Morgan," her voice shudders. "He just wanted to protect you, he never stopped blaming himself for what happened."

  "I don't want to upset you," I try to interrupt the conversation.

  "You don't upset me," she dismisses my attempt with a wave of her hand. "I live with it every day, every hour, but Colin isn't guilty, you have to talk to him."

  "Why are you pressing and pressing and not respecting the fact that I need time?"

  "Are you planning on staying alone?"

  "What?" I cross my hands, still standing in the middle of the kitchen, unable to move or sit. Is that what matters to her now? That I find someone?

  "Alone, for the rest of your life?" She stares at me sternly.

  "Of course not," I snort.

  "Than what are you waiting for?"

  "You know why I'm single." I shrug my shoulders with false indifference.

  "You don't trust anyone, and you don't trust yourself to cope with it," she says.

  "I think I've proved my coping skills, thank you very much," I defend myself.

  "You're twenty six years old, you have no friends, and your life revolves around a four-year-old girl, and working in a furniture store." She hits more than one sensitive point.

  "That's what there is." I can't tell her that even the work in the store is about to be history.

  "That's what you choose, and the moment will come when it blows up in your face. You'll be resentful and take it out on someone. I'm guessing it'll be on the child."

  "What?" I shout in shock.

  "If you keep telling yourself that you are putting your life on hold because of her, you'll believe it in the end. Let him be a father, that's all he wants." Her gaze seems to ask wordlessly if any of the things that were said are getting through to me.

  "You know what, I don't need this." I grab my bag from the back of the chair and hurry my steps to the door. Damn you, Colin!

  "What do you want for dinner?" I ask Vivian as I park the car in front of our door. I turn off the engine and release the seat belt. For the past ten minutes she has not stopped telling me about her afternoon experiences with Tania.

  "Pancakes!"

  "All right," I open the car door and walk out, wait until Viv comes out of the back and lock the car as she runs forward.

  "Mama, look," she pauses at the door, waving a package wrapped in colorful paper. "A gift!"

  I approach her, take the gift, and my blood begins to bubble as I read the attached note.

  To Theresa, hope you love the new company. Happy Birthday.

  He didn't sign. How nice of him, as if I don’t know who it’s from. He's such a manipulator. Oh, he'll hear from me! About this and about the conversation with my mot
her and about . . . everything else he deserves to hear about!

  "What does it say? What did they write?" Viv jumps around. I read the greeting to her with a false smile.

  "Who sent it?"

  "Santa?" I try to get away with it.

  "Mama!" she laughs. "It's from Colin. He has to come over," she announces in her squeaky voice.

  "He's busy." I open the door of the house and Viv runs past me, throws the wrapping paper to the floor and sits down on the carpet, staring at her gift.

  "It’s . . ." she falters. "It's a singing Elsa, like Tania's!" Her eyes widen in amazement at the doll.

  "Is it?" I approach her, pick up the box and curse my ex for the thousandth time. He bought her the Elsa doll whose dress glows, and she sings and talks. If he thinks he can come here and wave his money . . .

  "Get her out, Mom!" Viv commands me. I take the box to the kitchen and look for a pair of scissors with which I can . . . stab Colin!

  We're going to have a serious conversation about this!

  "It was really dirty of you," I shout into the phone five minutes after Vivian falls asleep. I spent the afternoon with ragged nerves, having to listen to Elsa singing again and again. I could barely separate her from Vivian for shower time, and she barely touched dinner.

  "I'm sorry, it was impulsive. I saw the doll and . . ."

  "And you thought you could buy Vivian's heart for thirty four dollars?" I can't control my anger.

  "You know how much it cost," he mumbles.

  "Of course I know, I know how much everything she wants costs!" Tears choke my throat.

  "It's only thirty four dollars."

  "That's what you think. The doll is just the tip of the iceberg, and if I agree to anything she wants, there's no end to it. Thirty four dollars here, ten dollars there, you know how much a trampoline costs these days?"

  "I have no idea," he whispers.

  "I've been refusing her for weeks, making her promises, and you've just come out of nowhere and . . ."

  "Fuck," he curses loudly. "I didn't think."

  "No, Colin, you didn't think!" I can't stop the crying. "You left me a note, you just stopped loving me!"

  "I never thought you'd stay with me!" he fires back. "I waited for the moment when you’d realize who I was! I was sure it would end when you got your scholarship. You’d leave me!"

  "I got the damn scholarship, you piece of shit!" The words stream out before I can stop them.

  "What are you talking about?" His voice becomes stiff and cold.

  "UT Southwestern Medical School." My heart breaks when I think of my foolish concession.

  "Elizabeth, do not tell me . . ." he threatens.

  "I was accepted. Full scholarship, as I wanted," I murmur the words in tears.

  "You got the scholarship?" he asks hoarsely.

  "Yes."

  "And you didn't think of telling me?" I hear the accusation in his voice.

  "I made my decision."

  "To hell with that, Elizabeth! What were you thinking?" He falters in despair. "I'm so pissed at you right now, that was your future!"

  "Silly me," I reply sarcastically, "I thought my future was with you."

  "Fuck that!"

  "It was my decision!" I yell back. "I was the one who chose to stay with you. I loved you more than I knew I could, so excuse me if I was eighteen and I didn't want to lose you!"

  Without warning, the conversation ends. He hung up. I lean against the wall and let my hand fall. Defeated and exhausted by the emotional jolts of the past few weeks, I can't stop the overwhelming weeping that threatens to drown me.

  My fingers fumble with the white page I hold, as if my brain refuses to accept its authenticity. Sitting on my bed, my heart beats rhythmically. This is what I wanted. This is what I’ve dreamed of, all that I've been working for for years. A full scholarship…and now these doubts won't leave.

  Am I really considering giving up all this?

  I'm not normal. No one should give up such a golden opportunity. This is my future, but what about my future with Colin?

  God, the pain in my chest.

  I know it's not that far, but how will we survive it? The distance, the brutal hours, followed by my residency. My future wants to take me in a new direction, one in which Colin has no place.

  What did I think would happen?

  My life no longer revolves around grades and hours in the library. My life is no longer a regular route from home to school and back. Someone got into it, someone I can't imagine my life without.

  No one should know.

  They'll say I'm wrong. They won't understand. They can't understand that I won't leave Colin behind. It has to remain my secret. Forever.

  Chapter 11

  "Elizabeth," Mr. Blunt calls my name just as I finish wrapping one of the mirrors I've removed from the wall. I really hope he has no more serious tasks for me, because I'm exhausted after not sleeping all night. I woke up late, rushed with Vivian to the clinic so that she could finally get her stitches removed, dropped her off at daycare and from the moment I got to the store, I’ve worked myself to the bone, trying not to think.

  I look up and freeze in front of my boss. Beside him stands the wicked Mrs. Danielle Cole and . . . my ex. His hands are tucked into the side pockets of his gray canvas trousers, a white button shirt clutches against his chest, the top button open, and his smooth skin sticks out from under the shirt's neck.

  What the hell is he doing here?

  Lately I've been seeing Colin dressed so differently than he used to and, even I have to admit it's a crime. The button shirt, the canvas pants, and the dark brown shoes make him look like a serious businessman. Only the look in his eyes is somber, and I shrink in front of him like a little girl.

  "Elizabeth," Mr. Blunt wakes me up from my daze. "The trucks will be arriving this weekend and I want to make sure everything is packed and ready."

  Danielle tilts her head sideways with a fake smile and examines me from head to toe. What are you looking at?

  "Everything will be packed," I manage not to stammer, to my delight.

  "Everything will be cleared by Monday, Mr. Young." Mr. Blunt smiles at Colin, who doesn't move a muscle in his face.

  "Did you hear that, Danielle?" Colin asks without looking at her. His eyes are focused on me, and only me.

  "I heard very well, Colin. We'll bring in the goods on Tuesday."

  "Excellent," he answers sharply.

  "Excuse me," I manage to get a word out of my mouth.

  "Yes, Ms. Heart?" Colin decides to be formal and remote.

  "I thought you . . ." I turn to Danielle in confusion.

  "I'm not," she raises an eyebrow. Pointing to Colin, "He, however, is."

  He is the new owner? He is the reason I'm losing my job?

  "You said you were a liquidator," I remember, "buying cheap stuff and selling it for profit or something. Why do you need the store?"

  "I need a display area to reach private customers." He refuses to thaw, the cold coming from his direction driving me crazy. "I have items that are closed up in warehouses, I'll be happy to get them out of there."

  "And the only place you could find is the store where I work?" I question in growing fury.

  "This is the only place that was big enough and it’s in the best location. If I had not rented it, someone else would have."

  "I understand."

  "I'm sure we can use your skills as a saleswoman when the store re-opens." The words come out of Danielle’s mouth in a tone I don't like.

  "Over my dead body!" I shout without thinking.

  "Elizabeth," Colin's voice warns.

  "You think I will come work for you?" I laugh contemptuously. "Rely on your kindness?"

  "It’s too bad you don't have a college degree, don't you think?" He takes his hands out of his pockets to cross them on his chest.

  "If I had a husband who shared my livelihood, I'd have no problem, don't you think?" I sting, regardless of the a
udience we have. "Enjoy the new store!"

  "I'm not firing you, if that's what you think," he says between clenched teeth.

  "You never hired me, Mr. Young," I retract to the formality he opened. "Therefore, I'm not working for you."

  "I'm sure we can talk about this next week," Danielle tries to calm the situation, and Mr. Blunt looks confused.

  "There's nothing to talk about." I throw the tape in my hand on the nearest couch. "I'm done."

  Without waiting for an answer, I flippantly turn my back on them and hasten my steps to the door. He really came back to town to make my life miserable. To leave me destitute, dependent on the money he deposited in my account. Is that how he plans to force me to introduce him to Vivian?

  "Elizabeth." A strong hand grabs me from behind. I fail to shake Colin off me, untamed tears rising in the corner of my eyes.

  "Leave me alone." I'm suffocating.

  "Why did you do it?" He drops his hand from my arm, his voice full of resentment. "Why the hell didn't you go to UT?"

  "Because I loved you." I can't stop the silent crying. "I couldn't imagine my life without you, I didn't want to live without you, but you forced that reality upon me."

  "You were accepted to medical school, it was your dream, and it was within your grasp."

  "Which only proves what an idiot I was," I sob.

  "Because of me." His jaw tightens.

  "For you," I correct him, "and especially for me."

  How much I loved him. I'm not at all sure that one can overcome such love, that one can let someone else fill the void. What if my mother is right? What if our history will haunt me until my last day? How can I sell another man the illusion that I'm not flawed, that my heart and my body are intact?

  Colin's damn phone rings and he's rushes to silence it.

  "God, how do you run a business, if you never answer?" I stare at him with teary eyes.

  "Danielle takes care of it," he answers in a matter-of-fact, cold tone.

  "Danielle takes care of it," I imitate him, as jealousy lifts its head and attacks me from nowhere. "Is she taking care of other things?" Now I envy other women in his company. Where does this come from, what do I care who takes care of him?