by E. E. Cooper
Beth used to joke about how she’d protect me if Melissa so much as tried to steal the basket of goodies I was bringing to Grandma’s house. But now Beth had left me alone in the woods.
I stapled the last of the student council packages together, staring down at them as if basic office tasks took 100 percent of my attention. I could feel Britney watching me closely.
“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” she said. “I just thought you should know. Don’t get me wrong, Beth loves you now.” She smiled as if she thought this would make it better. “I chose you because I knew you and I were alike. Beth is awesome, but sometimes she’s so . . . scattered. It’s great to have fun, but sometimes you need the other person to be reliable. I knew you’d be the kind of friend I could count on.”
I pushed down the desire to blurt that Beth could count on me too.
“All I wanted to say is don’t take Beth, or the fact she only sent you one lame text, personally. That’s just how she is. After her brother died, she sort of shut down with other people. She’ll laugh with everyone and sleep with everyone, but she doesn’t let anyone too close. I’m the only person she’d really reach out to in a time like this.” Brit gave me a meaningful glance. “She has trust issues, to say the least.”
I stacked the piles of paper, tapping them so they lined up perfectly. The clean edges relaxed me. “You didn’t hurt my feelings,” I said.
Britney’s eyebrows drew together in concern. “I know you have a crush on Beth.” Adrenaline flooded my system and I opened my mouth to explain, but she waved off whatever I was about to say. “Don’t deny it. Everyone gets a crush on Beth. It’s apparently impossible to not fall for her charms.” She smiled and shook her head like she found it adorable, but her voice sounded annoyed. Even with Beth gone, I felt like they were still somehow fighting in front of me. “Look, I’m only bringing all this up because I don’t want you to feel like Beth singled you out for rejection. She didn’t want anyone to know she was leaving, but in fairness did she ever really tell you anything?”
“Actually, I knew she didn’t want me to hang out with you guys at first,” I said. “She told me that.”
Britney’s pitying look broadcast that she didn’t believe me and thought I was lying to save face.
“I asked her once why you guys picked me. Beth told me she didn’t, that it was all you. She said you guys fought about it before you invited me.”
Britney blinked. “Oh.” She busied herself with organizing the already organized things on the counter, lining up the bowl of cashews with the edge of her magazine. Apparently my OCD was catching. “Well, that doesn’t change my point. I wanted you to know that you can count on me. And that I trust you back. Beth let us both down by taking off like this, but we have each other. No matter what happens, you’re my Kah-bear.”
I smiled at her. “I know.” And I knew she meant it.
But I didn’t tell her the rest of what Beth told me that day.
I wanted Beth to say she was joking. When I asked, I’d been hoping she would tell me she’d seen something special in me, something that made her want to be near me the way I wanted to be near her. But now I was discovering it wasn’t that at all.
“It wasn’t anything to do with you,” Beth said. She stopped her bike and it slid a bit on the sand that had blown across the cement. We’d been riding on the path that ran along the bay. It was the first time we’d hung out without Brit. Now I almost wished we’d invited her along. Beth pushed her hair out of her eyes. “You seem so . . .”
I held my breath, waiting to hear how she would define me.
“You seemed so good.” She saw my expression. “I don’t mean like a goody-goody. I mean . . . you’re this fresh, honest, nondamaged person. I didn’t want you to get sucked into our messed-up dynamic.”
“I’m not that innocent,” I promised. “I’m actually pretty screwed up.”
Beth tilted her chin. “You’re screwed up in all the right ways.” She turned her handlebars so her front tire tapped mine. “Trust me, I would have been doing you a favor if I’d kept you away from us.”
“And now?”
She turned back to the wind and the seagulls. “I guess now I’m hoping you’ll be my way out.”
Before I could respond, she pushed off and pedaled away. She looked back over her shoulder. “First you have to catch me!”
I watched her for a second and jumped back on my bike. Her hair blew behind her, just slightly beyond my reach.
CHAPTER SEVEN
As I pulled into the school parking lot the next morning, I saw Zach waiting for me with a weird expression on his face.
“I called you like three times in the last fifteen minutes,” he said as soon I opened the door.
I hoisted my bag from the passenger seat. “I was driving. You know I can’t pick up the phone when I’m in the car. If my parents ever found out, they’d revoke my car privileges and skin me alive to make a giant Kalah puppet that would go on the lecture circuit talking about driver safety.”
Zach didn’t laugh. He grabbed my elbow and squeezed it gently. “I need to talk to you about something.”
He knew. He knew about Beth and me.
It was as if I’d suddenly swallowed a thousand-pound lead weight. I hitched my bag up on my shoulder. “Okay,” I managed. “What’s up?”
“The police are here.” Zach yanked his head to the side and I noticed a cop car parked in the no-parking space right in front of the school. “They’re taking Jason to the station to ask him some questions.”
“Questions about what?”
“About Beth.”
My brain scrambled trying to figure out what he was saying. It was like he was suddenly talking in pig Latin. “What does Jason have to do with Beth?”
“Someone saw Jason and Beth together before she left.”
I pushed down a wave of annoyance. “So? They’re friends. He’s been dating her best friend for two years.”
Zach gave me a look. “Not together like hanging out. Together like, you know, together.”
My skin prickled. “Wait. Someone is saying Beth and Jason were screwing around?”
Zach flushed. There were times when he acted like he was in the 1800s and some things could not be said aloud in case we all got a case of the vapors. “Some freshman saw them out in Lighthouse Park having a fight. Beth was crying and yanked away from him, but Jason pulled her back and then they were kissing. Full-on making out. Then they got into Jason’s car and took off. This was on Friday afternoon.”
“No way.” But my mind flashed an image of Beth bending back as Jason kissed her, his hands winding into her hair, her mouth tasting like cinnamon gum. I started tapping my foot in rapid beats to stop my heart from racing. I stopped when I saw Zach glance down.
We watched as Jason walked out of the school with Officer Siegel, our official school liaison officer. She gave the yearly talk on how we should all avoid drugs, and let her know if we knew anyone was planning to go all video game crazed and shoot the school up. Every so often she wandered the halls like a sheriff in an old Western movie, minus the white hat and jangling spurs.
Jason wasn’t wearing handcuffs, but he looked scared. His shoulders were up around his ears. He saw me standing in the parking lot and he stopped. Officer Siegel followed his gaze. I had an urge to drop to the ground behind my car so she wouldn’t see me. I didn’t want to be connected to any of this. She took Jason’s elbow and guided him toward her car. People were standing by the front door, staring and whispering.
The reality of what was happening hit me like a door being slammed in my face. God, Brit must be freaking out. “They can’t really think he did something to Beth, can they?” I watched the cop car pull out of the lot, the tires grumbling through the gravel. “Beth texted me. She’s fine. She just wanted to get away. Why are the cops involved?”
Zach shrugged. “He was the last person to see Beth and they were fighting. I think it makes people wonder if the
ir fight had something to do with her leaving. Or maybe the cops know something about Beth that we don’t.”
My brain screeched to a hard stop. “No.” Panic nibbled on the edge of my thoughts. It’s my nature to assume the worst, but she had to have taken off on her own. She’d used her ATM card. She’d talked to Britney. She’d texted me. She had to be okay.
I wanted to believe she’d come back when she was ready. But if the cops were questioning Jason . . .
I swallowed hard. I felt like I might throw up.
Zach rubbed my back in slow circles. His hand was the only thing keeping me from flying apart in a million jagged pieces. “I don’t think anyone believes Jason did anything bad to Beth. Her parents just want some answers.”
I pulled on my sleeves so they covered my hands. Zach kept talking. “Maybe they were fighting about if they should tell Britney about the two of them. Maybe Beth wanted to and he didn’t, or the other way around.” Zach tugged me closer. “I’d run off before I’d tell Brit I was messing around with her boyfriend.”
“Beth was not messing around with Jason,” I snapped. “Why is everyone believing some stupid freshman?” But even as I said it, I realized how much it would explain. Beth and Brit had been on edge for weeks. Beth had always kept me at arm’s length, never pushing me to drop Zach. And if Brit suspected anything at all, that explained her bitterness when we’d talked yesterday, and why she’d asked Jason on Monday if he’d seen or heard from Beth. And more than all of that, it explained why Beth hadn’t bothered to answer my calls.
I was falling for her, and she was fucking Jason. Beautiful.
I wanted to believe that what Beth and I had was real. But if she felt what I felt, or anything even close, there was no way she’d be hooking up with someone else.
Except, who was I to talk? How could I be mad at her when I’d done the same thing? My relationship with Zach was proof that it was possible. Confusing, but possible.
I should have told her that I love her and made her tell me what she felt, whether or not it was the answer I wanted to hear. I’d thought I could float in the middle, not committing to her, not letting go of Zach. I’d thought I could keep my heart safe until I knew what I wanted, but now I was stuck in this horrible place, wondering where I stood.
“I didn’t mean anything against Beth,” Zach said. He tucked my hair behind my ear. “All I meant is it’s possible Beth and Jason fell for each other. You can’t always control who you fall in love with. They wouldn’t have set out to hurt Britney. It might have just happened.”
I closed my eyes. Zach had no idea. I doubted he’d be as understanding if I told him the reason I wanted to insist Beth and Jason weren’t hooking up was because she and I were. He wouldn’t be so likely to pontificate about not being able to control who you fall for then.
The bell rang. Zach hugged me and I held on tight. He felt like the one thing that still made sense in my life. Something I could count on. I’d been so stupid to risk everything with him.
“Hey.” Zach pulled back so he could see my face. I didn’t want to look at him. I just wanted to burrow into his chest. “I’m sorry about all of this.” He kissed me gently. “I wanted to tell you before you heard it from someone else. I know everything about this sucks for you.” He took my bag and steered me inside. “I’m guessing everyone’s going to be talking about it.”
I wished I could run back to my car and drive home. I wanted to be in my room with the door locked and the blinds down. I felt as if there was too much space around me. I wanted to make the world small and safe and in my control. My skin felt clammy and I couldn’t get a deep breath.
“You okay?” Zach’s face was too close to mine.
“Not really.” I tapped my index finger to my thumb in beats of six until I started to feel my breath even out. I knew I shouldn’t give in to the tapping. I hadn’t seen a therapist in two years, but I hadn’t forgotten what she’d told me: giving in to the compulsions only makes them worse. That I needed to let the anxiety wash over me and remind myself that I’d be fine. Except it didn’t feel like the anxiety would wash over me; it felt like it would wash me away.
Zach stopped in front of my locker. “Look, maybe now that the truth is out Beth will come home.”
One of the things that I love about Zach is that he always believes in the bright side of things. He’s like a bundle of silver linings tied up with a rainbow, carried by cute puppies riding on unicorns. “You’re going to be late for class,” I told him.
He curled his lip and spoke in one of his character voices. “Darling, you’re worth it. Of all the dames and all the gin joints, I’m glad you walked into mine.”
“What’s happening to your lip?” I asked. It sort of looked like his mouth had epilepsy.
“It’s my Bogart impression. Casablanca. I’m still working on it.” He bent low and offered me his arm. “May I escort you to class?” He saw me hesitate. “C’mon. It’s not going to be that bad.”
I wanted to believe him. But maybe it was going to be worse.
CHAPTER EIGHT
As soon as my first class was over I bolted to Britney’s locker. I had to find her. Not only because I was the best friend she had left, and she must need me, but also because I wanted to see her reaction to everything. If Brit called bullshit, then there was a chance none of it was true. And if it was true, she was going to be devastated. We’d either beat the rumors back together or get each other through this betrayal.
As I wove my way down the halls I could hear people buzzing about the news. Their voices chased me like a hive of angry bees. I wanted to stuff my fingers into my ears so I couldn’t hear anything.
I rounded the corner, but Britney wasn’t there. I clenched my teeth together and forced myself to nod to people as they walked past, pretending everything was fine. I paced back and forth in front of her locker. The bell rang. I waited another few seconds, even though I knew she wouldn’t show.
I slipped into World History class. Our teacher, Mr. Brandt, raised his eyebrow at me as I dropped into my seat. Maybe he could see I was upset, because he mercifully didn’t say anything or ask me for a note. He just continued talking about the English Reformation.
Melissa turned to look at me, her eyes wide with questions. I stared at her blankly until she turned back around. From the seat behind me, Zach slid his foot forward so it was next to mine. His touch made my heart slow slightly. I focused on my breathing, feeling my chest rise and lower. I’d catch Brit later. If I was freaking out, she must be nearly apoplectic, whether the rumors were true or not. Even if she believed Jason was innocent, I knew she’d be furious about the gossip. She did not tolerate dents in her carefully controlled image. Even if outwardly she was rolling her eyes at the ridiculousness of the claim, she had probably already figured out a plan to get the rumor-starting freshman’s head on a pole.
Britney and Jason had been together almost two years. They were more than just the future prom king and queen, more than a high school match of two pretty, popular people. Brit really loved him. She was the type to be over-the-top with affection. She was always hugging people and talking about how she loved this or that, but it was different with Jason. You could see it in her eyes. The way she leaned into him, as if she knew he would hold her. Brit had their whole lives planned out, and it always seemed like Jason wanted to be with her forever too. They were solid. They were real.
My chest hurt, like there was a deep bruise. I raised my hand. “Can I have a hall pass?” Mr. Brandt looked at me. “Please. I’m not feeling well.” I swallowed hard.
Mr. Brandt tore a pass off his pad and scribbled his name at the bottom before handing it over. I could feel Zach and Melissa and everyone else’s eyes following me as I ducked out of the room. Now Melissa would have something new to chatter about with her friends. And Zach would have one more reason to worry.
Britney had AP Physics this period. I slipped down the hall and walked slowly past the lab and peeked in the narrow w
indow in the door. My adrenaline spiked when I saw Brit. In that instant I realized part of me was afraid that she might have taken off too.
I backed up and leaned against the wall in relief. She was there. It would be okay. I had no idea how she would fix things, but the one thing I knew about Brit was that if something wasn’t going the way she thought it should, she did something about it.
I peeked back in the window and tried to catch her attention, but her gaze never moved. She looked almost like a mannequin. She sat totally still in her seat, her hands in her lap as she stared blankly ahead.
The guy next to her noticed me. I pointed at Brit. He looked at her, and then back at me. I wanted to fling open the door and scream at him not to be so stupid. After a beat he leaned over and tapped Brit and she turned slowly to face him, like she was moving through mud. He jutted his chin over to the door and Britney finally saw me.
I could tell, even at this distance, that her jaw was clenched. She raised her hand and I heard her muffled voice asking for a pass. I moved back from the door so the teacher wouldn’t see me when Brit opened it.
Brit came out and grabbed me by the wrist. She was walking like the blood in her veins had turned to brittle glass. I opened my mouth, but she cut me off before I said a word.
“Not here,” she said.
After the bathroom door swung shut behind us, Brit pushed on the stall doors to make sure we were alone, and sank onto the heater that ran along the wall.
My heart was breaking all over again to see her like this.
Britney made a small sound, almost like a whimper. “Everything is spinning out of control,” she said softly.
I looked down and noticed her hands were shaking. I touched her shoulder. “It’s going to be okay,” I said.
“You have no idea.” She stared down at her lap, shaking her head as if I were arguing with her.
“I’m here for you. Whatever you need.” I wanted to tell her that Beth had betrayed me too, but I couldn’t. Brit had lost her best friend and her boyfriend in an instant. That trumped my loss. I didn’t want her to think I was competing with her about who had it worse.
