As soon as his face floated up into my mind the arousal I’d felt slipped away. One moment I was climbing the mountain to orgasmland and the next I’d crashed back to reality.
“Shit.” I pressed my forehead to the wall. That was anticlimactic.
And that thought got me giggling. Then I started to cry.
Okay, maybe I wasn’t quite ready for this. I rinsed the conditioner from my hair and turned the water off. The towel was warm and dry wrapped around me, offering me a small measure of comfort for my failure.
2
Nikki invited me to go to the farmers’ market with her the following Saturday morning. The summer air was already warm despite the early hour and I’d been forced to pull my hair up into a bun. I loved my sister for so many reasons, but right now it was her ability to make me laugh that was winning me over.
“Dude, oh my God, look at this.” She picked up a cucumber the size of an arm and started waving it around. “You could kill someone with this. Or have a really pleasant night in.” She turned to the vendor and handed over her money. “This baby is mine. Hello, my darling. I shall take you home and make sweet, sweet love to you.” She kissed its tip.
“You’re such a pig.” But the thought of my sister doing the nasty with a cucumber got me thinking about my own dilemma. Though I wasn’t about to follow her lead and buy my date from a farmer.
“What’s wrong?” She bumped my arm as we walked through the thinning crowds. “You were all smiling there and now you’re not. I need my baby sister happy.”
“I’m happy.” No, I wasn’t.
“No, you’re not. Don’t try to pull that shit on me. I’m a trained professional and know when people aren’t telling me the truth.” That was the downside to having a psychologist as a sister—she always knew when something was wrong with me.
She hooked her arm in mine and pulled me over to a coffee vendor. Only once a large black coffee was firmly in my grasp did we find a table to rest. Nikki patted my hand before she guzzled down half of her drink.
“I don’t know how you can drink that when it’s still hot.”
“I’m a freak.” She grinned. “And you’re trying to deflect the conversation. What’s up?”
My family had made it a point not to bring Rob up with me anymore. They would talk to me about him if I started the conversation, but that was it. I never knew if it was because they didn’t want to upset me, or if they didn’t know what to say.
“This is a bit weird.” I’d started carrying Rob’s last letter to me since I’d opened the envelope. While I didn’t break down into tears anymore, I still felt a bit adrift. Having Rob’s words close to me somehow made everything a bit easier. Nikki didn’t say anything when I pulled the note from my purse and slid it across the table. “It’s from Rob.”
Her eyes widened. “And you just found it now?”
“Not really. He told me about it before . . . at the beach. He said it was for a time when I thought I was ready to move on.”
Nikki had loved Rob like a kid brother, even though she was only two years older than him. He’d been around so long we teased him about changing his last name to Wood instead of me changing mine to Barrow. “And are you? Ready to move on.”
She sounded skeptical, which really wasn’t surprising. Nikki had once claimed that Rob and I gave her hope that she’d find her soul mate someday. She was currently on the hunt for husband number four.
“I’m never going to forget him. And no, I’m not sure about getting back out there. But this isn’t so much about dating as it is about sex.”
Nikki cocked her eyebrow and carefully picked up the letter. “Should I be reading this?”
“Would I give it to you if you shouldn’t?”
“You totally would. Perv. Oh my God, he gave you sex cards.”
I burst out laughing at the look of horror on her face. “You do know that I’ve had sex, right? Many times.”
“Shut up. Eww.” She carefully set the note down. “Dare I ask what was on them?”
“Not unless you want to be scarred for life.” This was good, being able to talk about this and not feel the urge to cry. “I’m not about to start dating, but . . .”
“But you . . .” Nikki gave my hand another squeeze. “You’re ready for something. He’s right, you know. You should get out there and have some fun. Sex doesn’t have to be about love. It can be about needing to feel something. To be touched. To get all those happy endorphins running through your brain so you don’t kill someone.”
“Been awhile for you, too?” I grinned at her when she stuck out her tongue. “I know. You’re right and Rob’s right. I just can’t help worry that I’m going to suck at sex. I knew what he liked. He knew my body and what got me off. We figured all that shit out together. I can’t imagine trying to find someone new and learn all that over again.”
That had been the crux of my problem. Maybe it would have been different if I had dated before, had been intimate with another person, but that wasn’t what had happened. My life had been flipped on its head. I could either continue to live a solitary life with my head and heart stuck in the past, or I could do what Rob wanted me to and take a step out into the big world on my own.
As much as I wanted to remain loyal to him, I was lonely.
“You know what? I think you should do it.” Nikki leaned back and looked over at the passing crowd. “I mean, you and Rob were perfect together. He’s also right that you shouldn’t jump into another relationship right away. We could have some fun, hit the bars, do a singles’ cruise, anything that will get you out there in the path of some hot guys. I wouldn’t worry about figuring out what they want. Most will tell you ad nauseam.”
Rob hadn’t. He’d been surprisingly quiet in bed throughout our marriage. “His first card was something simple, but I haven’t even been able to do that.”
“What did it say?”
Shit, I really didn’t want to be having this conversation in public. I took a breath and ignored my rising discomfort. “He told me to masturbate.”
Nikki blinked several times. “You mean you haven’t been?”
“No. Sex wasn’t exactly on the top of my list in the past while.”
“I know but . . . seriously?”
I rolled my eyes. “I know this is hard to believe, but I don’t normally have sex on the brain.” The antidepressants I’d been on after Rob’s death hadn’t helped either. Being off them at least made the idea of sex more appealing.
“Shit.” She shook her head. “I would have gone insane.” She shoved the bag holding the giant cucumber over to me. “You clearly need this more than I do.”
“Don’t be an ass. I’m not going to use that.” Well, maybe to make a nice cucumber salad, but that would be it.
“Do you have something to use? A decent vibrator and some porn?”
I knew my face was bright red. Blushing at the drop of a hat was something I hated about myself. “I have something in the nightstand. I think.”
Nikki grinned and leaned in close. “We should go to the sex shop. Even if you have something, this is all about new beginnings. You need to have new toys, ones that are just for you. And lube. And other stuff.” She got to her feet and gathered everything up. “Come on.”
“No.”
“Now, Alyssa.”
“No.”
“Listen to your sister. You need this.”
“I’m not going to—”
“Yes, you are.” I was on my feet before I knew what was happening. Nikki pulled me along behind her, pausing only long enough to talk to a couple with a small child. “Need a table? We’re all done here.”
“I hate you.” I didn’t. In fact I was finally starting to feel as though I might have a handle on this. That with Nikki’s help I’d be able to take my first step into my new life.
Apparently there would be lots of vibrators in my future.
But no cucumbers.
3
I would like to say that
I’d handled myself admirably at the sex shop, but that would be a lie. My face had been flushed and I’d fumbled my way through looking at the packages on the shelves and in the bins.
Whenever we’d needed stuff in the past, it had been Rob who’d made the trip to the store. Alone. I’d always been too embarrassed to go in with him. Well, it was more than that. I was worried that I’d run into someone I knew there. How does a person explain to a coworker why they’re looking at a butt plug? Or a strap-on? Not that we’d ever used either of those, but the potential for even having that conversation was enough to keep me away.
I no longer had the luxury of making someone else do the purchasing.
Nikki laughed at me the entire time and took perverse pleasure in shoving silicone cocks in my face. She’d always been more self-assured than me, even as a little kid. It was one of her more annoying qualities.
Nikki placed into my hands a giant cock so big that it couldn’t possibly fit into a human body. “I think I found what you need.”
An older man turned the corner and walked into our aisle as I held the cock. We made eye contact for the briefest of moments before his gaze slipped down to what I held. Then he grinned.
I dropped the cock and turned to face the shelf in front of me. Vibrators. Yeah, and this one looks good. The package claimed attachments of some sort and new multidirectional vibrating action. Sure, fine. I turned and ran for the checkout. Nikki laughed as she trailed behind me. “You are the biggest chicken.”
“Shut up.”
“That might not even be a good one!”
The last thing I could handle right then was a dildo lesson from my sister. “It’s fine.” I didn’t stop moving until I reached the checkout.
“Is that everything?” The clerk was a young girl who didn’t look old enough to work here. Her brown hair was pulled back into a tight bun and her makeup was impeccably done. She smiled as she scanned the dildo, as though this wasn’t the single most embarrassing purchase I’d ever made. “Do you have our frequent buyer card?”
“Yes and no.” I wanted to die.
Nikki dumped a pile of things onto the counter. “She’ll take these as well. Oh and this, too.” A DVD was tossed on top of the pile. “That’s a good movie.”
The girl picked it up and her eyes widened. “Oh, I love this one. It’s a bit low-budget, but you know the sex was great.”
Nikki made the strangest noise, one that I could only classify as a purr. “The pirate. With the attachments where the hook should go.”
“Yeah. He’s fucking hot.” The girl clicked her tongue. “You’ll love this.”
Yup, I’d actually died and this was hell. “Thanks.” I glared at Nikki, who only smiled. “That’s everything.”
I only saw as far as the bottle of tingling lube before I handed over my credit card. I doubt I could return any of this stuff, so I prayed Nikki hadn’t screwed me over. Proverbially speaking.
Now, having survived the trials of the sex shop, I was faced with the monumental task of opening yet another door, which proved to be challenging. Someday I’d relearn this basic skill. As I stood searching through my purse for my keys to the building, a bag filled with sex toys and various things tucked under my arm, I counted the minutes until I could lie on my bed and have a nap.
“Hey, can I get that for you?”
I jumped at the sound of the distinctly male voice behind me and my keys fell to the ground by my feet. Turning, I came face to face with Mr. Nice Ass. Unlike the brief glimpse I’d gotten of him the day before, I had nothing blocking my view of his physical perfection. Tall, built like a runner, with rich brown eyes and neatly cropped black hair. As he got closer, the scent of his aftershave and a hint of coffee washed over me. A pang of desire burned low in my belly, and my pussy took notice. He was easily one of the most attractive men I’d even gotten this close to in my life.
God, did that make me a bad wife? Sorry, Rob.
“I didn’t mean to startle you.” He reached down and picked up my keys. “I recognized you from the other day when I moved in and wanted to say hi. I haven’t had a chance to meet many of my neighbors yet.”
“No worries. I’ve just . . . it’s been a weird day.” I readjusted the bag beneath my arm and prayed he wouldn’t notice the sex shop’s logo. “I’m Alyssa Barrow.”
“Harrison Kemp.” He grinned. “My mom was a Star Wars fan.”
“Nice.” I turned and managed to find the proper key, sliding it home. It didn’t help ease the tension building in my body. It was hard to take a deep breath and not be aware of my proximity to him. “How are you finding your place? Are you all settled in?”
The air was tremendously cooler than what it was outside and the T-shirt and lace bra I had on did little to cover my now hard nipples. Great, I could use the bag I had to cover up the perky evidence, but then I’d be showing off my purchase. Or I could do nothing and let the girls advertise their presence.
Aw, fuck it. I decided to borrow a lesson from Nikki and try not to care what Harrison might think, no matter how awkward it made me feel.
“I’m still surrounded by boxes. I learned long ago that I suck at unpacking. With luck I’ll have everything where it should be right before my contract is up and I have to move again.” He kept pace with me, his gaze dipping only briefly before returning to my eyes.
I straightened my shoulders and kept walking beside Harrison as we made our way toward the condos. “That would drive me nuts. My husband used to keep things in boxes just to get me worked up.” I stopped walking and took a breath. “Rather, my late husband.”
Harrison frowned. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Thanks.” There were many people I talked about Rob with, but it didn’t seem right sharing anything with Harrison. “Well this is me. We usually have a condo association meeting once a month in the old cafeteria. It’s coming up in a few days. I’ll see you there if not sooner.”
“I’ll be in and out of my place a lot for the next little bit. I keep buying stuff. I’m sure I have it in a box somewhere, but you know. It was nice to meet you, Alyssa.” He smiled, but didn’t linger long at my door. “Have a great evening.”
The air in my condo was still and filled with the scent of my air freshener. The urge to laugh was only slightly stronger than my urge to puke. Hot cute guy had chatted me up while I had sex toys in a bag and intended to go to bed and get myself off.
Or as I now called it in my house—Friday.
The one positive thing about running into Harrison was the added rush of adrenaline that now coursed through my veins. It would hopefully help ramp up my arousal so that I could garner some success with my Day One task. If I ever wanted to move on with my life, then I needed to get over my guilt. I had given myself permission to explore new things, feel fresh emotions. I had to conquer card number one.
Damn card number one.
I didn’t bother to go into my bedroom this time, instead dumping the contents of my bag across the coffee table. Two bottles of lube—one heated, one regular—one silicone dildo, a DVD, a box containing a vibrating . . . egg? “Shit, Nikki.” Beneath the other items was the one thing that I’d picked out for myself, albeit in a hurry, the package containing a blue metal vibrator.
I’d had a vibrator back when Rob and I had first gotten together, but it was nothing like this one. Long, thick, with a curve to the shaft that the clerk claimed would press directly against my G-spot. Guaranteed to make me scream and stars to appear before my eyes. I closed my eyes and emptied my mind of everything. It was hard to acknowledge the torrent of emotions spinning around inside me, but I did. Then I pushed them aside and prepared myself. I needed this. I owed it to myself.
Time to get this show on the road.
Setting the package on its edge, I stood and stripped off my T-shirt, shorts, and socks. My bra and panties were mismatched—not that I cared much about that these days—chosen for comfort rather than looks. Dropping my discarded clothing aside, I p
icked up the DVD and made my way to my entertainment center. I’d watched some porn in the past, but it wasn’t a regular thing for me. I knew Rob had some videos on his computer, stuff he’d put on when he was horny and I was too tired or sore to do anything to help him out. Until today, it wasn’t really something that I’d considered necessary in my sex life.
The case of the DVD proclaimed that this was some sort of parody of a big blockbuster movie. Nikki assured me on the drive home that this was a female-friendly flick and that I’d enjoy it. I don’t have a freaking clue about the difference between porn for men and women, so I was going to have to trust her on that one.
After slipping the disk into the player, I grabbed the package with the dildo and went and fetched a pair of scissors from the kitchen. It only took a few minutes to free it from its prison and clean it up for use. By the time I’d returned to the living room the movie was in full swing.
Pirates. There were sexy pirates on my screen. And they were getting naked.
Okay. I could work with this.
I set the vibrator beside me on the couch and turned my attention to the action on the screen. The man had dropped to his knees in front of the pirate queen and was kissing his way down her body. The appreciative noises coming from the woman were plentiful, soft moans punctuated by the occasional gasp. I braced my feet on the coffee table, letting my legs fall apart. While I was determined to enjoy myself, I suddenly didn’t want to rush things. There was no pressure to hurry and finish. No one else I needed to take into account. There was only me, my body, and two sexy pirates. If I wanted to do nothing but watch the show, then that was fine. I could get myself off super-quick and get back to other business. I could be selfish and not worry about a thing.
30 Days Page 2
