Contents
Title
Copyright
Proverb
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Note from the Author
Acknowledgements
Also by the Author (S)
Biography
Empath
S. Usher Evans
Line-editing by Regina West
Dragon design by Cassondra Stevens
Copyright © 2015 Sun's Golden Ray Publishing
ISBN-13: 9781310796050
Smashwords edition
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"Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is."
German Proverb
CHAPTER ONE
"So, I think it's probably best that we just cut our losses and move on."
The moping just had to stop already.
Even the dust bunnies were mocking Lauren at this point, all lined up against the wall and reminding her she hadn't vacuumed since before the break-up.
When everything was perfect.
She moaned and rolled on her belly, the mattress squeaking beneath her. Her thoughts were at war with each other as they rehashed the same old song and dance. Things weren't perfect, or else they'd still be together. She was just glorifying and catastrophizing the situation, as she always did. She couldn't just feel the normal range of emotions; she had to feel things deeply, painfully, fully.
But it was time to stop feeling that way and get the hell over it already. Everyone was tired of hearing about it. She was tired of hearing about it. It was over, done, finito, kaput, ended, credits rolled.
He was never coming back.
That thought sent a fresh wave of tears down her face, and she kicked herself for thinking it.
Because if he was going to come back, he would have come back already.
Or maybe he was—
She stopped that thought before it could continue.
She sat up in her bed and brushed the tears out of her eyes. Her mother's voice came floating into her head now, telling her she was being overly emotional. It was why she excelled at drama, before she decided to hang up her character shoes after college and get a real job. Data entry wasn't suiting her very well, and yet it did. It was dull and monotonous work, repetitive so that she didn't have to think much. She could get through an entire day forgetting that she'd just had her heart smashed a few months before.
There she went again, over-dramatic.
"GOD!" she screamed into the empty room, furious at herself. She was the one who ended it in the first place; she did this to herself. They'd been together since their freshman year of college, and after a year of beating around the bush, it was pretty clear to Lauren that they weren't going to get married. He wasn't ready, and she needed to move on with her life.
Right?
So why wasn't she moving on with her life already?
She guessed it would have been easier if they'd broken up in a fight or he'd cheated or done something awful to make her hate him. But he was a good person, a decent human being. During their five years together, they fought a grand total of three times. They were best friends and ended their relationship as best friends.
Best friends that didn't want to be together for the rest of their lives, a nagging little voice in the back of her head reminded her.
She was stuck in this limbo of knowing it was right to leave him, but being swallowed by the pain of missing him. One half of her was dragging the other half along kicking and screaming, and the depressed half was winning.
She caught sight of herself in the mirror hanging on the wall and blanched. She looked worse than she thought. Her dark hair was balled on top of her head, her skin was slick and pasty. To top off the look of total homebody, she was wearing a ratty t-shirt and pajama shorts, just now realizing that she hadn't gotten dressed all day. Come to think of it, she couldn't remember what she had done all day, other than spending too much time in the humor section of Pinterest and refreshing her Facebook over and over again. But it was Saturday night, and pretty soon her feed would be filled with white dresses and smiles of girls who were actually wanted by the loves of their lives.
She closed her eyes and stuffed that thought into the back of her mind, in the space where she kept things she was too afraid to think about. She hoped that if she buried it deep enough, beneath other, happier thoughts, she'd get over it more quickly.
She turned to her phone, hoping for a distraction, and refreshed her Facebook again. Her heart pounded in panic when her eyes ran over the name of his best friend, and she wondered if she'd see his name or his face. Unwilling to look, she quickly scrolled past and saw a post from one of her friends talking about going out to a bar that night.
"Oh shit." She slapped her palm to her head, remembering that she had agreed to go with them. Lauren wasn't looking forward to it. In fact, she would have preferred to sit at home in the same clothes she slept in the night before, rather than get into the shower and attempt to look like she cared.
Then again, maybe getting out was what she needed after all. She was so tired of crying, so tired of being sad all the time. She just wanted to be as happy as she used to be and for everything to go back to normal. There had been this dark cloud hanging over her head, and she wanted someone to make it go away.
Wandering around her room, she found something decent to wear and walked over to her vanity to find some jewelry. Instinctively, she went to grab the diamond necklace that had been her staple piece for the past few years, but she stopped, tears welling in her eyes. He'd given it to her on their first anniversary. Then the bracelet the next year, then earrings. In fact, the only piece of jewelry missing from his collection was the ring that he didn't want to buy her.
He used to think of it as a funny joke—the Josh collection, he'd called it, and she'd been too quick to point out that it was missing an integral part. She remembered how he'd get more annoyed every time she brought it up.
See? She reminded herself. It was a good thing.
She closed her jewelry box and sniffed back more tears. She was not going to cry tonight; she was not going to be pissy and moody and passive aggressive.
She was going to enjoy herself, damn it, even if she had to fake it.
***
Lauren walked into the crowded club, plastering a smile on her face as she weaved through the people. She hated going out. There were too many people and too much noise, but for tonight, she forced herself to accept that she was here. Scanning the club, she spotted the gaggle of girls that she knew and made her way over. They were all prettier than Lauren, but perhaps she was just feeling dumpy lately. They had beers and were standing around a positively beaming girl with a beautiful diamond on her left hand.
"And next week, we're going to look at different places, I'm soooooooooo excited," the girl said, her voice high and nasally. "I mean, my mom is flipping out about all of this, and it's sooooooooo much work
. I was soooooo shocked when he proposed!"
"Lauren!" Lauren's friend Aubrey, the one who had invited her out, smiled when she spotted Lauren standing outside of the group. "You came out!"
"Yeah," Lauren said, forcing a smile on her face.
"How've you been, girl?"
Lauren wondered if she should tell Aubrey about the low times, the every day crying, the way that nearly everything in her life hurt now, but she decided against it.
"I'm good, you know," she shrugged noncommittally. "Considering."
"Have you seen Josh?"
The name was enough to ignite a flame of nervous butterflies in her chest. "Nah, we haven't spoken really since…well…since then."
"Yeah, he's supposed to come out tonight."
Lauren's heart fell into her stomach and she found herself unable to breathe. He was going to be here? Was he already there? She looked around anxiously, wondering if every face in the room was his, and played out in her head a million overly dramatic scenarios of what would happen if he showed up, each one more nerve-wracking than the last.
After she had checked every person, disappointment settled on top of her. She heard the nasal-sounding girl continue her babbling about her stupid engagement.
"And I mean, I've started going dress shopping, and I started looking at monogrammed things. I can't wait to be Mrs. Howser!" she sighed, adjusting the ring on her finger happily. "I just…there's so much planning to do, and I just don't know how I'm going to fit it all in!"
Lauren forced another smile onto her face and said, "Well, if you need any pointers, I have a whole wedding-themed Pinterest board I'm not using. Spent six months on it!"
The girls paused to look at Lauren as if she were a bomb about to explode.
"Kidding!" Lauren grinned, wondering why they were looking at her like that. "Just kidding. I'm totally fine about it. No big deal."
The girls laughed at her, and Aubrey put a hand on her shoulder. "You're handling this all so well. We're all really proud of you!"
The conversation turned back to weddings, boyfriends, trips, friends, and all of the things Lauren didn't want to talk about right now. She selfishly wanted someone to ask her how she was really feeling, but she'd also just told them that she was absolutely fine.
Because she was fine. The more she told herself that, the truer it would be, right?
She took stock of everyone around her and spotted diamonds on half of the girls. Everyone else seemed to be following the same script, the one that she'd been trying to get Josh to follow. Find boyfriend, get married, have babies.
And yet, she couldn't help but wonder, if they were so perfect, why didn't Josh want to—
Fear dripped in the back of her mind as she squashed that thought before she could finish it. Hoping for a distraction, she began looking around the club for anyone who caught her eye. After all, everyone and their mother told her that they had met the love of their life within a year of ending a long-term relationship. So it was just a matter of time before Lauren found the person she was really supposed to be with.
Perhaps that's what she needed—a knight in shining armor to save her from her misery.
She sauntered over to the bar, trying her best to look attractive as she waited for the bartender to walk over and take her drink order. This was how it happened in the movies. Girl at a bar, guy comes up to her and starts chatting, and then they ride off into the sunset.
The bartender walked right by her without stopping.
She grumbled and leaned forward, scanning the room for Josh's face.
No, not Josh. Someone else.
She realized no one was noticing her, and the dark cloud of disappointment that had settled in her stomach spread across her chest. Everything suddenly was incredibly annoying, from the music they were playing to the people standing too close to her at the bar, to the damned girls with their damned diamond rings that Lauren didn't have.
She was overcome with the strong desire to go home, get in her sweatpants, and cry.
She walked back over to the girls, who were still laughing and talking about something Lauren wasn't interested in.
Lauren put a fake smile on her face. "Hey, I think I'm going to bail," she said to Aubrey.
"What?" Aubrey frowned. "Why?"
"Just…tired." This was her go-to lie for excusing herself from situations. "And this place isn't really my scene."
"Okay, are you sure?"
"Yeah, no worries," Lauren waved her off. "I worked out really hard today, and I just feel really tired."
It was a boldfaced lie, but it seemed to work.
"Oh, okay." Aubrey smiled. "Drive safe, honey!"
Lauren left the thumping club, her ears still ringing as she walked the dark streets to her car. Almost every person she passed was a couple, and it made her want to throw up. Just as the tears spilled over her eyes, she got to her car and climbed in, grateful to be in the solitude of her front seat, in the dark, where no one would know how much she was feeling right now.
She was disappointed that she didn't meet someone new, disappointed that he didn't show up, angry that nobody seemed to care that she was drowning, annoyed that everyone else in the world was getting married and she wasn't, fed up with herself and her out of control emotions, and just done.
Just.
Done.
She turned the key in the ignition and as the tears fell harder. In the silence of her car and the privacy of the night, she let herself fall apart.
***
Mondays were always shitty, but that Monday was extra terrible. The dark cloud over her head had refused to dissipate all day Sunday. When Monday morning rolled around, it was painful to even pull herself out of bed and look halfway presentable for work.
And now she was staring at a spreadsheet and couldn't find the mental focus to start typing. Her eyes drifted to the spot on her cubicle shelf where the photo of Josh had sat since she first started work there. She remembered the day after they broke up, walking in and tossing his picture in the trash (then covertly sticking it in her purse…just in case).
She looked to the clock and decided to take a lunch break. Grabbing her purse, she walked out of the dreary office into the blinding sunlight. The sun made her feel somewhat better, as it was hard to be unhappy on such a pretty day.
She walked down the lightly crowded streets, not finding any place to eat that very much interested her, and trying, but failing miserably, to not remember what Josh had said about all of them. After all, every single one of these restaurants was on "the list" of places that they'd jokingly agreed never to return to again.
She angrily turned down a side street, needing to get off the main drag and out of her thoughts. This row of shops was mostly antiques, nothing that Lauren ever found very useful. She wasn't a trinkets person like her mom, but she also never went into an antiques shop with Josh, so they probably wouldn't remind her of him.
She opened the door quietly, listening to the soft jingle of the bell. She noticed an old man standing behind a glass counter. He nodded his hello to her but didn't move to get up. Lauren liked it better that way; Josh always called pushy salesmen "hound dogs."
Damn it, she hissed at herself.
She slowly walked down the aisles, wishing she had a reason to purchase some of the unique trinkets. Nobody she knew had a birthday coming up, and nothing piqued her fancy enough to get her to fork over money.
That is, until her eyes landed on a beautiful ruby necklace.
She almost missed it, situated between china figurines in the back corner of one of the display cabinets. But a stray beam of light hit the necklace at just the right angle, drawing her toward the glass to get a better look.
"Oh, that is a fine piece, indeed."
Lauren jumped out of her skin, forgetting about the old man. He had followed her to the case, obviously hoping her interest would result in a sale.
"It's a pretty necklace," Lauren said.
"Yes, I've had that for a
while," he said, cocking his head to the side. "Perhaps it was not in a good place."
Lauren smiled, her eyes drifting down to the stone again.
"Would you like to try it on?"
"Oh, um…" Lauren hedged, checking the time on her phone. She really couldn't take more than a half hour for lunch, and she'd already wasted twenty minutes. Not to mention, she wasn't sure how much the necklace would cost, and she hated to bother this man and only to put his merchandise back.
But it was pretty. And she did need a new necklace to wear every day, since she couldn't even look at her old diamond one without breaking into tears. Maybe buying a new piece of jewelry would be just the thing she needed. A line in the sand to say, "no more sadness."
"Sure," Lauren said, even though the man had already pulled it out and was gently offering it to her. She took the gold chain in her hand and wrapped it behind her neck, struggling to fix the clasp.
"Here, let me," the storekeep said. Lauren held the ends of the necklace and handed them off to the man. As his fingers danced against the nape of her neck, a chill ran down her back.
I desperately need this sale. If I don't start making some money soon, the shop will go under and we'll have to start all over. I do hope that she—
His fingers left her neck and the strange thoughts abruptly ceased, leaving Lauren staring back into her wide eyes in the mirror, wondering what the hell had just happened.
"Quite fitting on you," the man said.
Lauren knew that he was desperately hoping she would buy it, and for some reason she wanted to buy it from him, just to help him stave off bankruptcy. But how the hell did she know that he was about to go through bankruptcy?
"Well?" he asked, oblivious to her internal conversation.
"Oh, yes," Lauren said, dropping her hair behind her back. "Lovely."
"Would you like to wear it out of the store, or shall I wrap it up for you?" Again, Lauren felt a strong urge to just help the man for God's sake. She somehow knew he was worried for his wife at home, who was sick.
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