Lauren slid the necklace around her neck and hid it in her dress, hoping no one would see it. The presence felt good against her skin, like coming home. But she now had other problems to think about—namely, how she could get out of this carriage?
She heard another noise, the same one, in fact. It sounded like something crashed in the village. Two soldiers ran up to the carriage, looking around for something, before another sound from the village sent them running.
"Damned children!"
"Children?" Lauren blinked, and she heard an explosion in the distance, followed by yelling. Could it be Eddy causing problems? But why?
"Lauren!"
Lauren's head nearly swiveled off of her neck. Aerona rushed up to the carriage and grasped at the iron bars. She looked relieved and anxious to see Lauren.
"Are you all right?" she asked.
"I…yes…" Lauren stammered. "Confused, but all right."
"Eddy is helping Siors distract the guards while I get you out of here," Aerona said, fussing over the lock.
"I don't understand. I thought you hated me?" She swallowed and felt the old fear creeping back into the back of her mind. "I almost got Mairwan killed—"
"You saved Mairwan," Aerona corrected.
Again, fear gripped at her, but she finally pushed out the words. "I called the Anghenfil to me."
Aerona stopped her fussing with the lock. "Why?"
"Because…it told me that it could solve all of my problems and…" Lauren pressed her forehead against the bars. "And to be honest, it sounded nice."
"And you believe this would make me hate you?" Aerona tutted. "My darling, I'm offended you think so little of me."
Lauren's eyes popped open, and she stared at Aerona as if she'd never seen her before. Aerona was the kindest, most gentle person Lauren had ever met. She had taken Lauren in when she had no where else to go, and had become a calming presence in her life. What possessed Lauren to think that Aerona would reject her for something out of her control? The worry that she had been holding onto for weeks evaporated from her body like tyllwyllwch.
"I…I'm…" Lauren stammered, at a complete loss for words. "I'm a coward." She pressed her head against the bars again. "And an idiot."
"Fear is rarely rational," Aerona said, with a look behind her to the village where more yelling echoed.
"So what's your plan?"
"Just waiting on, ah, there he is," Aerona said, as Cefin appeared out of the bushes with his sword drawn. Some of his long hair had come out of the tie, and he had a cut on his cheek.
"We have to hurry," he said, without acknowledging Lauren's shocked face. With a mighty heave, he brought his sword down on the lock on the cage breaking it. Lauren scampered out of the cage and stood in the clearing, wavering between shock and appreciation.
"We need to get you out of the village," Aerona said. "Cefin will take you to the edge of the village, and then—"
"No," Lauren said, feeling the weight of the necklace around her neck.
"No?" Cefin looked stunned. "Lauren, they're coming for you—"
"I'm going after the Anghenfil."
Their stunned faces grew even more so and Aerona and Cefin launched into tirades about why that was a terrible idea. But Lauren held up her hand, a knowing calm settling over her. With all of her worries freed from the back of her mind, she could hear her intuition, that inner compass that always steered her in the right direction. It was the quiet, knowing voice that had spoken for her when she'd ended things with Josh.
Then, as now, she felt like a different person, as if someone were pulling the strings and she was merely doing what they instructed. She had fought reality for so long that now it was time to accept the truth. And although she was scared, shaking, terrified—this was the right thing to do.
"I know how to defeat it. I just…" She swallowed. "I needed to find the courage to do it." She tugged on the chain around her neck and pulled Cassidy's empath stone out.
"Your necklace," Cefin gasped.
"No, not mine. The other empath…it's a long story." She stared at the ebony stone and remembered the pain that Cassidy felt, the loneliness and desolation knowing that no one was ever coming for her. Lauren closed her eyes and imagined herself banishing the tyllwyllwch from Cassidy's soul, helping her to see that she was not as alone as she had thought.
The stone began to glow in her hand, and she concentrated on this feeling of control and determination. The glow grew white hot until the stone seared her skin, but she held on to it.
"Lauren…" Aerona gasped.
Lauren opened her eyes and shut them again, nearly blinded by the light from the stone. It dimmed as she lost her concentration; not to black, but to a beautiful bright red. The same clear color as Lauren's had been when she'd purchased it.
"How did you do that?" Cefin asked.
"I think it became dark because I allowed it to." She rubbed the stone again, the familiar ridges providing the same comfort that hers used to. "Because I let myself fall into the darkness. And that's what the Anghenfil wanted."
"D-darkness?" Cefin said, exchanging a confused glance with Aerona.
"Sadness," Lauren whispered. "Loneliness. Whatever you want to call it."
Cefin made a noise. Lauren was startled to see a tear fall down his face.
"My love, I'm sorry that—"
"It wasn't you, Cefin," Lauren said. "It was…well, it was my fault."
Aerona cleared her throat and took the signal that she needed to walk away for a moment.
"But I'm the one that left you when Probert…" Cefin stammered.
"Cefin, if Probert had never shown up, I would have been keeping this secret inside of me until it ate me alive. And it was close, let me tell you," she added with a wry smile. "I don't blame you for thinking that I was nuts."
Cefin looked at the ground.
"I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. Trust me, I wish I had been honest with everyone up front."
"Why weren't you?"
"Because…" Lauren trailed off and looked out into the village. "Because I wasn't honest with myself. I was afraid to be. And that is why all of this just blew up in my face… as usual." She sighed heavily, closing her eyes and forcing herself to speak. "If I had just been brave enough to face reality in the first place, I might have gone home weeks ago."
The word home caused Cefin's head to snap upright. He suddenly realized what defeating the Anghenfil was going to mean for her.
"No," he said, grasping her hand desperately. "No, I don't want you to go. Lauren, I love you…"
"Cefin," Lauren said, feeing the familiar tug of uncertainty. It would be great to stay here with him. He was a guy that loved her.
And that was it.
She looked at him and realized she knew absolutely nothing about him. She may have read his hopes and fears, she definitely knew him physically, but she had been too wrapped up in her own insecurities to see the man in front of her. And somehow, she knew that he had done the same to her.
"How can you possibly love me when you don't even know me?" she heard herself ask him.
His mouth opened in shocked hurt. "You said you loved me."
"I lied," Lauren said. To Cefin's stunned face, she added, "If it makes you feel better, I was lying to myself too."
"This is…I don't understand why—"
"Cefin, you can't possibly love me. Maybe…maybe one day you could have, but not until I was brave enough to let you see me as I am—"
"Then let me see you!" Cefin exclaimed, stepping towards her. "Please, don't go."
"Cefin, I don't belong here," Lauren replied, brushing away the hair from his face. "I've never been happy here—not truly happy. If you look inside your soul, you'll know that's true."
He stared at her and she appreciated his handsome features one last time. She would never be completely impervious to them, but she could now see her own reactions for what they were, and what they weren't. And now that she had put aside her own fabri
cated love story, she could see the one that had been staring her in the face the whole time she'd been there.
"You need to make a move with Aerona," Lauren said.
"What?" Cefin seemed to get the gist of what she'd said, but the concept left him bewildered.
"Aerona and you—I think you two belong together."
A blush spread across his face. "I don't—"
That was all the proof Lauren needed. "She loves you, really loves you. Better than I ever could, actually."
"I don't deserve her," Cefin said, taking Lauren by surprise.
Lauren laughed, realizing that she and Cefin were more alike than even she realized. Everyone seemed to be living in fear, the way she had been. But just as she had come to realize her own foolishness, there wasn't anything she could say or do to get Cefin to understand. He would have to face his own demons and come to his own realizations the hard way.
Instead of speaking, she pulled him into a hug. It was more intimate and real than any physical contact they'd had before.
"I'm going to miss you, Lauren Dailey," he whispered into her hair.
"I would despair if you didn't." She winked at him as she stepped back, craning her head back to take in the mountain. "Go face your Anghenfil, Cefin," Lauren said, "now I'm going to go face mine."
***
Lauren stepped into the dark cave and alarm bells went off in her head as fear bubbled inside of her. But she now knew the difference between fear of the unknown and the quiet knowledge that she was about to do something wrong. These bells, and the accompanying butterflies that exploded in her chest, this was simply fear. And she was no longer letting fear dictate her life.
As if emphasizing a point, her ruby began to glow, lighting her path in the darkness.
"Come on, you scaly son of a bitch," Lauren called, her voice echoing in the cave. "Show yourself."
She could hear it breathing, the same way she heard it moving in her mind. She saw the fire in the distance and kept walking as it grew brighter. Ash and smoke filled her nostrils, and she continued to fight the urge to turn tail and flee.
She could do this; she could defeat it. She had all of the tools in her arsenal, she just had to remember her purpose.
The cave opened into a cavern, tinted red by the fire glowing in the Anghenfil's stomach and crackling at its mouth. It was curled up in a ball, reminding her of a cat the size of a dinosaur. The long, serpentine tail was still, save the tip, which brushed against the floor lazily. Cefin had cut it off, and she never considered when or how it regrew. Perhaps her fear was its sustenance, the thing that allowed it to live for millennia, and why it feasted on a new empath every half century.
She could see one of the four giant, clawed feet, like a monstrous hawk's claws, relaxed on the floor. The neck was long and scaly, and perched on top of it was a long head with red eyes glinting in the low light. Smoke swirled from its jaw, where huge, bone-crushing white fangs jutted out. It surveyed her like a snake about to devour a mouse.
It did not move, but Lauren heard the familiar hissing in the back of her mind.
"There's no need to pretend."
Her body screamed to run away, but this time, she did not let it win. Running, she had learned, never solved anything, and the problems usually caught up to her sooner or later. She would see this to the end. She had all the power in the world over this beast.
"You have no power…it is easier if you give in to me."
"Right, because that worked so well with Cassidy," Lauren barked, her voice echoing in the cave. She wasn't sure why she spoke aloud, since the monster could very well hear inside of her head, but she had always had more control of her tongue than her mind. She kept her focus on the stone, and it grew brighter in the face of the Anghenfil.
"Cassidy was in pain…I took it from her…she suffers no more…"
"She feels no more, you mean," Lauren cried as the stone glowed even hotter. "She's an empty shell! You took her heart!"
"I take the hearts of those who give it freely, those who no longer wish to suffer. As you did."
Lauren's heart began to race, and she narrowed her eyes. "Why did you bring me here? To Rhianu, to this world?"
"You know the answer to that, but you are afraid to speak it aloud…"
"I'm not…" Lauren shook her head, but she couldn't finish the sentence. Not when the monster very clearly knew the truth. The chink in her armor was enough to dim the stone slightly, but she wasn't giving up.
"You are here because you asked me to bring you here. You asked me to take away your pain…because you aren't strong enough to overcome it…"
"I am s-strong," Lauren replied feebly as the panic exploded between her ears and the stone dimmed even more. The Anghenfil laughed at her attempts to lie in the face of her open mind.
"You cannot even be truthful with yourself about what it is you fear. But the Anghenfil knows the darkest places of your mind…You know why he did not return."
Her eyes widened and she swore she saw the stupid monster smile. Why did the Anghenfil have to bring him up? Her fear swirled within her like Probert's cleansing; the sensation was unexpected and unnerving. Almost instantly, the box of forbidden thoughts exploded like fireworks, and her stone, now completely dull, grew blacker by the second.
"Yes…you know in your heart…and you fear it…"
"This isn't about that," Lauren said, struggling to keep the tears from spilling down her face.
"You wonder why he did not come for you, but you know why. You don't wish to believe it…and so you pine for him…"
She bit down on her tongue.
"You know you were never good enough for him. So good at lying to yourself…"
The stone was dark now and so was her soul.
"You are afraid no one will ever love you…even he didn't love you…the one person whom you trusted above all others to be there…left like everyone else.."
"S…stop…" Lauren cried, but the dam had broken, and she was on the edge of slipping again. All of these terrible, horrible, forbidden thoughts that she had been so afraid to think were in the open, taunting her and hissing at her the way the Anghenfil did.
"Yesss…now let the Anghenfil take that pain…you will never have to run again…you will never have to be rejected again…"
She hated the merciless glee in its eyes. It had broken her by speaking what she was most afraid of—the fear that she would never find someone to ever truly love her. The fear that Josh was her only chance at happiness and he left because she wasn't good enough.
And yet…vocalizing it, putting words to the fear, suddenly made it seem… ridiculous.
Thinking about it didn't hurt as much as she feared, not really. Just like in the dream with Mairwan, the flames were all in her mind. The ideas that she had been too afraid to even consider—these things that haunted her from a distance—they were just ideas.
Josh wasn't her only chance at happiness, he was a chance. And while they were happy, when she really thought about it, there was more to their dissolution than a lack of a diamond ring.
That one realization broke the dam of other thoughts—rational thoughts, and she felt the stone warm at her neck.
She was afraid of being alone, but being in a bad relationship wasn't much better. The end of her relationship with Josh was rocky and unfulfilling; not the romantic love story she'd painted it out to be in her mind. Even before they broke up, she had fooled herself into thinking that Josh was someone different, that he was ready to commit when he was obviously and vocally against it. But she'd been too afraid to see the truth, too afraid to face the reality that as much as she loved him and as much as he loved her, they were not right for each other.
She was too afraid of being alone, of having to risk the fear never finding another person to love her. So accepting their less-than-fulfilling relationship was less scary than the alternative.
She opened her eyes and the stone grew brighter. The Anghenfil hissed in anger and rage as it
recoiled from the light.
"Yes…they will reject you…And there is nothing you can do to change it…"
She couldn't change it. She couldn’t prevent getting hurt by someone else, that she would put her fragile love and faith in someone and they would break her heart. But to risk pain was also to enjoy love, and good, deep relationships with people. She had just spent a month in this land and she hadn't met one person she'd consider a friend—not because they'd rejected her, but because she'd assumed they would.
And when she finally allowed someone to see her for who she really was, they stood beside her.
The stone was hot now, and warmth spread out across her chest. Sparks flying from the monster's nostrils as it grew more agitated.
"YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CONTROL YOUR MIND!"
"You're right." Lauren smiled and the Anghenfil roared louder as the stone grew brighter.
Before she could ask others to accept her, she needed to accept her own imperfect self—that she had periods of depression—yes, depression—and could not control her anxiety. She had a mental illness and it wouldn't go away if she just buried it under the surface and hid from it. The very same way she was confronting this demon, she would have to take control and not suffer in silence.
It was all right to admit that she wasn't perfect all the time. It was all right to admit that she was anxious and sometimes low. It was all right to lean on someone else when she needed a friend. It was all right to ask for help; it would come when she needed it.
Even if came from within.
"You cannot defeat me—"
"I already have," Lauren said, and everything flashed a brilliant white.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Lauren's eyes blinked open and she saw white, nothing but white. Her eyes adjusted to the brightness of the room and focused on ceiling tiles and fluorescent lights. She became aware of something in her nose, and on her arm, and the beep-beep-beep of a machine nearby.
"L-Lauren?!"
Empath Page 20
