She swished out of my office, taking my last hope with her.
What the hell was my next move going to be?
*****
Blair
Okay, so quitting my job when I was pregnant was probably not my best idea, but I found it impossible to be around Jason, knowing that I was carrying his baby inside of me, and I couldn’t even tell him.
It had been exhausting! To be quite honest, not having to go through that anymore felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I had a few missed calls from him on my phone, but I was currently ignoring them while I paced my apartment in confusion, wondering what the hell I was going to do next. Sure, I knew that I didn’t want to be around Jason anymore, but I couldn’t do nothing!
How was I going to afford this child?
How was I going to afford to keep on living here? My apartment might not be the biggest or best in the world, but it was a roof over my head and I needed that! I couldn’t even go back to live with my parents after this. They were devout Christians and already hated that I didn’t practice their beliefs. This might just send them over the edge.
An illegitimate child. No, I was going to have to try every option first, before I resorted to them.
Knock, knock.
“Oh God,” I muttered, wondering if I could ignore him. Somehow I already knew that it was Jason, without even having to go and look. He was coming here to persuade me to work for him once more, even though it was obviously a terrible idea. Even before all of this it hadn’t been much fun!
Knock, knock.
“Blair?” he called through the door, confirming my suspicions, and proving that he had absolutely no intention of giving up. “Are you in there? I need to talk to you.”
I sighed deeply, deciding to get it over with quickly before he started yelling. I had a feeling that he was in this for the long haul, so there was no point in hiding.
I was going to have to be strong. I couldn’t allow weakness to overcome me this time. This was serious, there was no screwing this up.
I would just get rid of him before he started asking too many difficult questions. I’d make it clear that he needed to go and never speak to me again.
I swung the door open, and leant against the doorway, blocking his way in. I needed to have this conversation outside, where nothing untoward could happen and where it could be done within minutes.
“Blair, thank you for speaking with me.”
I looked down in his arms, and noticed flowers and champagne. My heart started to race – clearly this wasn’t about work, I’d been very wrong to assume that.
“What are you doing here?” I snapped, sounding harsher than I intended.
“I just…” He glanced down at his feet, making me feel a little guilty. “I want you to come back to work, obviously.”
“I can’t.” The thought of being back there, with him, filled me with dread. I shook my head emphatically, needing him to get the hint.
“Okay,” he sighed, smiling widely at me. “If that’s the case, then surely it’s okay for me to ask you on a date?”
I felt the color zap from my face. Was he serious? Could he actually mean that? The look on his face suggested that he really wanted that.
Under any other circumstance I would have jumped on that opportunity right away, after all I really liked this guy. But I couldn’t. I was pregnant and I needed to keep that in the forefront of my mind.
“I thought we could discuss it over a drink?” He indicated the very expensive bottle that he was holding, trying desperately to encourage me.
“I… I can’t.” I said, backing away. “I’m sorry.”
“Why not?” he insisted, starting to step in my door.
I began to feel overwhelmed, dizzy, nauseas, and the words just spilled uncontrollably from my mouth. I needed him to understand me, and that was why I said it even though I definitely hadn’t planned to.
“Because I’m pregnant with your baby, that’s why!”
Shit!
*****
Jason
Pregnant?
Her words instantly brought back the faces of the numerous women who had done this to me before – lied to me about carrying my child for money – and panic well and truly set in.
It had happened with my very first love, and that had well and truly broken my heart, and it was happening all over again.
I began to step backwards, my heart racing with terror as I realized that Blair was no different than the rest of them. She was just another bitch out to use me for all that she could. My judgment was way off once again – and that damn near killed me.
I stared at her, trying to find some honesty there, but my vision was blurred with fear and all I could see was someone else who wanted to ruin me.
No, no, no.
I could see her white face fixed upon mine, desperately wanting me to say something, to speak, but I couldn’t. It felt like my mouth was firmly zipped shut.
Everything began to swim, and I began to stagger on my feet. I became convinced that I was about to throw up at any moment, and I knew that I needed to make some sort of decision of what I was about to do before that happened.
But what?
What the hell did she expect? What the hell could I do?
I needed to be smart this time. I couldn’t get sucked in again, I couldn’t allow myself to be fooled. More than once, and it was my fault.
So I did the only thing I could. I turned and I ran, moving quicker than I ever had before.
*****
Blair
I clutched the ultrasound picture tightly in my hand, smiling to myself. In only ten short weeks I would get to meet my baby boy, and I couldn’t wait for it.
The doctor at the hospital had said that all was fine, and the baby was healthy, and that was more than enough for me. I just couldn’t wait until I finally got to know him a little better. I would have plenty of time to do so; it would be just me and him after all.
Just the two of us.
I couldn’t help but wonder if Jason had a right to know that he was having a boy, but then I recalled his terrified face as I told him the news. Before he abandoned me, running off to never speak to me again. No, he most definitely did not deserve to know anything.
A freak out, I could handle, but this complete radio silence – no. He obviously didn’t care about me or his child, so tough. He would know nothing, and that would be his choice.
His loss.
It had been a struggle to get to this point, but with a bit of financial help from my parents – who had been surprisingly cool about the whole thing – I was getting there.
I’d been forced to tell them in the end, when I couldn’t get through it anymore alone, and they’d been too happy about their grandchild to be upset with me. I’d even been back to visit them for a couple of weeks at one point, and it had been amazing. I felt like I was closer to them now, then I’d ever been as a kid, and that was a wonderful progression.
Not close enough to want to go and live with them again, but close enough.
They were going to come and visit me when the baby was first born, to help me out, so at least I wouldn’t be totally by myself!
I just couldn’t wait for all of this to progress now. I already loved this baby with all of my heart and I couldn’t wait to meet him. I knew that I would do anything within my power to ensure that he had a healthy and happy life.
I snapped a picture of the scan photo with my phone, and posted it online, excited for all of my friends to see where my life was headed next.
*****
Jason
After that fateful day where I ran from Blair like a fool, I buried my head in my work, not wanting to even think about how badly I’d screwed up. I did that typical ‘Jason’ thing of completely ignoring my problems and focusing on something else entirely. It never did me any good, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from doing it all the same.
Although this time,
it wasn’t going quite as well as usual.
Every so often, a weakness would overcome me and I found myself looking at Blair online, just wanting to see where her life was at, but for months she was silent. Her online accounts never changed, but I found a joy at looking at the older pictures of her, just enjoying seeing her face.
I wished desperately that I could talk to her, that I could see her, but I’d messed up too much. There was no going back from that.
Until one day, I found myself on Blair’s Facebook page once more, staring blankly at a photo of her with a huge baby bump, next to an ultrasound photo, with the caption ‘Not long now! Xx’
She was pregnant.
She hadn’t lied and I was a total idiot for not believing her. I allowed my past experiences to taint my decisions, and that was absolutely stupid.
That picture, that bump, there was a baby in there.
My baby.
I was a damn fool.
How the hell was I going to make up for that?
There was no way I could keep away now! Not knowing the truth. But the fact that I’d left Blair, completely abandoned her as she’d told me the news, was going to work against me.
I smacked my palm against my head a few times, praying for an idea to pop into my brain. I needed a Goddamn time machine! But as that wasn’t possible, I was going to have to do something…
*****
Blair
As I lifted what felt like a thousand shopping bags from my shitty car, it took all that I had not to fall apart. I had sweat pouring down my face, a stomach heavier than anything that I’d ever carried before, and tears were unwittingly streaming down my cheeks.
This damn baby needed to come soon, before I lost my freaking mind!
“Blair?” I heard a familiar, yet strange voice call out meekly from behind me; giving me the last damn thing I needed on the entire planet. Was I not pissed off enough? Had the last few weeks not been stressful enough for me? Why this? Why now?
I spun around to face him, seeing the familiar sandy hair and green eyes that had drawn me in all those months ago. I tried to ignore the way my heart literally skipped a beat at the sight of him.
I couldn’t let him suck me in. Not again. He didn’t deserve me, or our baby. He was horrible, a complete and utter bastard, and I needed to remember that.
“I… I’m sorry,” he finally said, shoving his hands awkwardly in his pockets.
I was so near to my house, I could turn and run if I wanted to, but I knew that I wasn’t getting anywhere quick enough with this massive bump, so I was going to have to face this. However much I really didn’t want to.
Urgh, Goddamn it!
“What do you want Jason?” I replied wearily, shrugging my shoulders at him. I wanted to seem dismissive, like I really didn’t care. I really wasn’t keen on my true emotions shining through. I didn’t want him to see how off balance he made me. “I’m kind of busy here.”
“I just… I’m sorry, let me help you.”
Pride was screaming at me not to allow him to, but damn it I was exhausted sorting this all out myself. The baby was due soon, and I was trying so hard to be prepared. I didn’t want to have to race out for diapers and wet wipes with a newborn. I wanted it all done now, which was why I’d gone on this mad shopping spree.
“Fine.” I replied glumly, refusing to really look at him.
He followed behind me, carrying everything, doing exactly as I needed him to, but it all felt a little too late. All of the stress, the heartache, the agony I’d been through – it felt like this one small act couldn’t even begin to take that away from me.
As we carried everything inside my door in silence, I nervously awaited what was to come next. I really felt like there was going to be a conversation to follow, and I was in no way ready for that. Sure, I’d imagined a reunion from time to time, but I’d always been prepared in my fantasies. I’d always been looking good, and acting cool. Being this grubby, uncomfortable mess was throwing me completely off balance.
“All done?” he eventually asked me, looking incredibly unsure of himself. It was weird seeing him this way. The night we met, he seemed overly confident, and after that he was my boss, which made me uneasy, so I spent a lot of time pointedly not looking at him. This was the first time I was really seeing him in a very long time – and what I was seeing wasn’t the Jason I knew.
For a moment, I actually found myself wondering what he’d been doing during the time we’d been apart. I’d spent so long worried about myself, pissed off that he abandoned me. Now I found myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, he’d been struggling with all of this too.
“I guess so,” I shrugged, trying to seem casual, trying to keep all of my wide ranging hormones and emotions inside. It was a real struggle, but I forced myself to do it.
“I’m sorry,” he started, looking like he was about to launch into a tirade.
“No, it’s fine…” I tried to stop him, but clearly wasn’t getting anywhere. He had something to say, and it seemed like I was going to hear it whether I wanted to or not.
“I shouldn’t have run off; I should have trusted you.” He finally said the words that I’d been longing to hear for a very long time, before going on to defend his actions. “It’s just been difficult with people always wanting something from me, my entire life.”
I forced myself not to sneer a ‘poor little rich boy’ comment. Did he really think that would be enough?
“I just… I was an idiot.” Then I watched him tug something small from his pocket, and my pulse rate kicked up again.
No, no, no.
He could not be about to do this; he could not be serious. How the hell could he even begin to think that this was a good idea? Was he that deluded that he thought I would just forget everything? Just let it all go?
“I want to make up for that now,” he continued, completely oblivious to my obvious horror. “I want to make up for all of it.” He fell to his knee with a thud, confirming my worst fears. “So I want to know if you’ll marry me?”
He looked so hopeful, so desperate, and I actually considered his proposal for a second, just to save the awkwardness. It would make it easier not going through this by myself, not to have this baby alone, but that certainly wasn’t a reason to get married. I was smart enough to know that would never work.
“No,” I finally replied, coolly, watching his face contort in shock. “Look, if you want to make it up to my baby, then that’s fine. I’m not going to stop you there. You can be a father, of course you can. But for you to think that of me? For you to assume that I would lie to you, to try and cheat you out of money? No, no way. I could never marry you after that.”
“But…” He tried to plead, but my strength had fully kicked in by this point. I was having none of it.
“No,” I snapped. “Please leave.” My heart broke as I sent him away, but it was the right choice for the both of us – he would see that eventually. Too much had happened; there was no way that we could be together now. “I’ll tell you all you need to know about the baby, but that’s it.”
As he walked away, I felt my heart bleed a little, thinking about all that could have been, so just before I slammed the door shut, I yelled out one more thing to him.
“It’s a boy, by the way.”
He turned to face me, tears shining in his eyes.
“We’re having a boy.”
*****
Jason
It was another couple of weeks before I heard anything else from Blair, despite my desperate attempts to contact her. It seemed like she really meant it, that she was done with me forever, and that damn near killed me.
The knowledge that we were no longer an option left me feeling hollow and sad, especially with the knowledge that I’d brought it on myself, that it was all my fault. That my stupidity had stripped away the best damn thing that I could have had in my entire life.
Not only had I lost the most amazing girl in the world, I’d lost the potentia
l to be a full time father too. Yes, I’d still see my baby, but it wouldn’t be the same.
The more I thought about Blair, the more convinced I became that we were meant to be together. Sure, we’d met under unusual circumstances, and we’d slept together right away, but that didn’t mean that we couldn’t fall in love.
Well, we couldn’t now, because of me!
Then, one day, early in the morning, my phone rang and her name was plastered across the screen.
“Hospital,” she panted, before I could even speak. “Baby. Coming. Now.”
Then she was gone.
“Fuck!” I shouted, racing out of my home, barely pulling on my clothes as I went. I sent a message to a couple of the managers, telling them that I wouldn’t be in that day without explaining why (I hadn’t yet told a soul about all that had happened), and I didn’t even care when they began to ring me in a panic, asking questions about some important decisions that needed to be made.
I would have to deal with all of that another time. The business would always be there. This baby was only coming once.
“Hospital,” I gasped at my driver – the only one who actually did know. “I need to go now.”
He sped the car along the road, screeching to a halt outside the hospital doors, allowing me to fall from it and into the building – probably looking like a mad man!
“Blair. Blair McLeod. What room is she in?” I practically yelled at the receptionist.
“That way, room 408,” came the bored reply.
I ran, crashing into people as I pelted down the corridor. And then I found Blair, and what followed was the four most harrowing hours of my life.
***
“Wow,” I panted, as I gazed upon my seven-pound son. In that moment, my whole world changed. My priorities shifted, and I felt myself become a whole new person. I would become the best version of myself for this little man, no matter what it took. “He’s perfect.”
The Crime of Protection Page 119
