“I understand that, Hanna. I want you to know I see you. I appreciate your concern. But you can power down the vigilance. I’ll let you know if we find out anything definitive. In the meantime, when it comes to my mother, I’ve learned not to expect too much. If she’s really trying to get in touch with me, she will.”
I dressed in dark blue slacks and a buttercream shirt with paisley tie, and stepped into brown leather shoes. “Ready to go?” I asked. I picked up my keys and Hanna collected her coat and purse. We stepped out into the long corridor with the brightly colored carpet and stripe-papered walls. The dim gold lighting cast the place in sepia tone. I smiled at Hanna, who joined me in the elevator, and we descended to the ground floor. Since we wanted to go and get back, I had decided to forgo a driver and take my own car, so the valet service had it waiting in the entry.
“A country drive and dinner?” I asked, smiling brightly as I climbed into the car. Hanna fastened her seatbelt and flashed her pearly whites, nodding in the affirmative.
“Then we race back to the city and make love?” she added.
“I’m thinking more like fuck, screw, get busy, bust nuts, get head. That kinda thing.” I grinned at her, and she giggled.
I turned on the stereo for a relaxed atmosphere, a soft, slow number playing smoothly in the background. We drove in companionable silence the familiar route to her aunt’s estate, across the bridges and past greenery. The winding road finally neared Rhinebeck, and I glanced over to see Hanna dozing with her head pressed to the glass. She looked innocent, youthful, made a smile come across my face.
We came to the gate, which swung open to admit my car, and there was the large brick house, and the rolling lawn was blanketed by pristine white snow. The sky was sharp, deep blue, and the windows of the house were pale gold. I got out of the car and opened Hanna’s door. I helped her into her coat, settling the mink on her shoulders.
“It’s colder here than in the city,” I noted absently.
“Let’s get inside.”
I took Hanna’s hand to lead her up the massive stone steps to the front door.
“Just think what wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t followed me down these steps in a foot race up the driveway.” Hanna squeezed my hand and batted her eyelashes flirtatiously.
“As I recall, that first night left something to be desired, according to you. Just think what wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t come back around for more.”
She rang the doorbell and Aunt Ettie’s butler let us inside, guiding us to the sitting room, where Ettie was perched like a teenager with her feet in the chair, knitting in her lap. A flurry of butterflies ascended in my stomach. I took a steadying breath. Approaching the sweet, kindly middle-aged woman was like walking into a dragon’s den, knowing Aunt Ettie probably wasn’t too pleased with me.
“Hey, auntie,” Hanna said. “Did my parents send a package for me? Mum said she sent over something.”
“Nothing today, dear, but she told me. I’ll keep an eye out for you. Did you have fun in the city with Dane?”
“Dane was worried you’d punish me,” said Hanna, giggling as she glanced back at me.
“Pleasure to see you, Dane,” Ettie said.
I walked into her sitting room, smiling in genuine pleasure at the older woman. She looked sharp in a lilac suit. “Looking good, Ms. Ettie.”
“Glad you noticed. I was starting to think you didn’t want to see me,” she replied lightly.
“Oh, no! I’ve just been busy, but I do apologize for not getting back to you,” I said. “I was wrapping up some Excelsis stuff and handling some things for my family. Have you been well?” I settled down in a chair as Hanna disappeared from the room. This was her home, and I couldn’t expect Hanna to hold my hand, but I immediately felt abandoned. What could Ettie want to talk about with me, besides how terrible I was at adhering to my promise not to sleep with her niece?
“You look like you’re about to approach the guillotine, Dane. I promise I don’t have an axe.” Ettie chortled and continued knitting. Seeing the domesticated act softened the tension. “Dinner won’t be ready for another hour. You kids are here early.” Which left plenty of time for me to anxiously keep Ettie company. “I’ve been well, hail and healthy. How is your father?”
“Haven’t spoken to him since New Year’s, but I’m sure Cornelius is his regular, old self.”
“Haha! That charming rascal. Worried about what I’m going to say about your situation with my niece, are you?” Ettie replied, astutely.
I smiled grimly. “I want you to understand. I never intended for things to go so far.”
“I know, Dane. You don’t strike me as the sort who would maliciously trifle with a woman’s heart. However, romance, like good intentions, paves an unexpected course. I can’t say I’m happy with the turn things have taken.” It was the firmest tone the matronly aunt had ever taken with me, and I squirmed uncomfortably. There wasn’t much I could say by way of excuse. “I think you should consider the true consequences if you let things continue.”
“I have,” I replied. “Hanna will hate me either way, but she’ll hate me even more if I stay and she finds out it’s just a sham. I have no idea how to do this.”
“Nor do you want to, I gather.”
“She’s the sexiest, most irresist—why would anyone want to let go of her?”
“You don’t have to let go of her. You could step away from make-believe into reality. You were the one who initiated this wild plan to use her to make you look good. You’re the only one who can decide whether that’s still what you want or whether you want something more.”
“It doesn’t matter what I want,” I scoffed. “I work eighteen hours a day with barely a day off. You think running off to Paris was strictly personal? It was a business move. My PR team makes sure the press is stocked with pleasantries about me, including romantic getaways. In reality, I don’t have time for a relationship.”
“Precisely, so break up with her.”
“Aunt Ettie…” My voice cracked, and I shut my mouth to keep from pleading my case. She was right. There were no two ways about it. I struggled with the inclination to leave Hanna and the desire to keep her around, but I couldn’t do both.
“I’m not immune your pain, Dane Foster. I see the look in your eyes when Hanna is around you, and I know better than you how you feel about my niece. You seem to be under the impression that everything you’re doing is for your image. It’s not. It might’ve started out that way, but I don’t think it is anymore. You’re still with her because you feel something for her, but you’re keeping her around for purely selfish reasons that have nothing to do with publicity. If you care about her, let her go.”
I gritted my teeth against the urge to clarify that my lust for Hanna had nothing to do with feeling something or caring for her, and I realized I was gripping the armrest of the chair with white knuckles. I released my hold and covered my mouth as I glanced away. At every turn, it seemed I was getting signs that it was time to end things with Hanna. It was past time. Ettie was right to call me selfish for putting off the inevitable.
As much as it frustrated me, I had to do it. “I will, Ettie. I’ll break it off.”
“The sooner you separate, the better. It’s probably too late anyway,” said Ettie. She snatched loose a row of knitting as if dissatisfied with the work. “She’s patently in love with you.”
“I know,” I replied, looking at the floor. I rubbed my sweaty palms together and slid them over my heated face. “I know.”
CHAPTER 6
Dinner was a polished affair, fulfilling, although I ate in a haze. I couldn’t look at Hanna or Ettie. I had too much on my mind. When we left, the drive was all but silent. Hanna snuck surreptitious glances at me, and she placed her hand over mine.
“Is there anything you want to tell me?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Hmm? No, I’m fine.”
“Suit yourself.”
By the time we got
back to the penthouse, it was after midnight. Hanna was tired and drifted into my bedroom. She stripped out of her clothes and promptly went to sleep. I stayed in the living room, staring at the blank screen, contemplating my life. After a while, I remembered to call Gervais. He sounded like he was asleep when he groggily answered the phone. “What do you have for me?” I asked.
Gervais muttered under his breath, and I heard the rustle of bed covers through the phone. I put my feet up on the couch and stretched back. I tucked the phone against my shoulder, staring up at the ceiling as my executive assistant got up to dig out the information I needed. I wasn’t really interested in finding out if he had located the origin of the phone call. I only needed something to take my mind off the prospect of losing Hanna.
“Okay,” Gervais said, “I tracked the phone call down to a homeless shelter for battered and abused women. I called them back, but the director didn’t have any record of her staying there.”
“Homeless shelter?” I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed the bridge of my nose. “Why would she be there if she wasn’t staying there?”
“According to the director, they sometimes feed vagrants.”
I blew out a breath in exasperation. “God, I hope she’s not homeless again.”
“Again, sir?”
“Thanks, Gervais. Got the address?”
“I do. Want me to send it now?”
“Mmhmm.”
I hung up the phone feeling like I had shifted one weight just to take on another. Sissy had called me from a homeless shelter in Louisiana, and I didn’t have a clue of why she would be there. As a kid, there were time periods where we didn’t have a place to stay, but it never lasted for long. I was able to harden my heart to an extent, but I couldn’t pretend like it didn’t bother me to think of my mother being out in the cold without a stable place to lay her head.
Not for the first time, I cursed Griess for the life he forced my mother to lead.
I peered at the loft where Hanna was sleeping. I wanted desperately to climb the stairs and lie with her, let her sensual touch soothe my worried spirit. I wanted to feel her, but I couldn’t ask Hanna for comfort. I battled the regret of having to let her go, knowing I needed her now more than ever, and I felt inept for the fight. At the same time, I needed to find my mother. I couldn’t linger in my own problems and ignore Sissy’s.
The walk to my room felt miles long, as I dragged my feet climbing the winding stairs. I slipped into a pair of smooth, cool silk pajama pants and climbed into the bed next to the red-haired sleeping beauty. If I were to take a trip and try to locate my mother, Hanna shouldn’t have to wait for me. Her aunt was unfortunately correct. It was already too late to escape love unscathed, but the sooner I disengaged myself from the situation, the better for the both of us. Maybe distance would heal the wound of her heartbreak.
###
“How long have you been sitting there?” she asked.
I looked up from the floor and my eyes snagged on the jewels of hers. Pale yellow sunlight bathed the bed, and as she sat up, the strap of her bra slid down her shoulder. She bent a knee and rested her face atop it to stare at me. My gaze flitted down the curve of her back to her exposed thighs and back to her pretty face. Her pink lips, curved in a smile, invited morning kisses. Her hair fell across her face and down her shoulders, and the dawn light transformed stray strands to gold at the crown of her head.
I rose from the chair where I’d been sitting since the alarm had sounded for me to go to work. In the time I should have been dressing and getting ready, I’d made some tough decisions, and now it was time for me to execute them. “We need to talk,” I murmured.
My voice sounded thick and unused, groggy from lack of sleep. I swallowed thickly and waited for Hanna to register that things were serious. Her smile wavered, replaced by a furrowed brow. She sat up straighter, legs akimbo, her gaze not leaving my face, and she asked me, “What do we need to talk about? Dane, what’s wrong?”
I couldn’t keep eye contact. I glanced at my hands and realized my fingertips were trembling. I folded them in a fist and exhaled forcefully. There was nothing to do but to say it. “I think it’s time we took a break from one another.”
“What?” she asked, her smile creeping back. “Get serious. Nice try, though.” Hanna giggled and climbed from the bed to skip over to me. I sat back in the chair wishing she would stay away. Her body felt warm and inviting, and my pain made me crave the salvation of her touch. “You almost sounded like you meant it, but you’re not that good of an actor.”
She sat astraddle my lap and brought my face up to look at her. There was an earnestness in my eyes that had nothing to do with amusement. I lowered my head again as my hands went to her body with minds of their own. Palms skated down her thighs. Fingers moved back up her spine to the back of her neck. My lips descended to hers in a tender kiss that spoke apologies. I replied, “No, I really think we need to take a break.”
“Where is this coming from?” She looked confused, but she appeared to understand that I wasn’t trying to trick her. She kissed me back with soft lips full of questions, and her hands ruffled through my dark, wavy hair. She caressed my jaw and smoothed her hand down my neck to grasp my shoulders, lowering her face to my body as if she wanted to snuggle close. My arms went around her fragile frame without thought.
“I don’t want to lose you.” It wasn’t what I was supposed to say, but God help me, it was the truth. “I know that I can’t keep you.”
“You can keep me.”
“Not forever, Hanna. There are no forevers between us. I don’t want to fall, and I don’t want you to fall. There’s madness along that path. Trust me. All a person can hope for is a season of happiness. There’s only a matter of time before you find out I’m not what you need.” It was the truth.
“You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to tell me what I need.” Her voice shook, and it tore at my heart to hear her sound so small. “Why are you doing this? You don’t have to take us so seriously. We’re having a good time.”
“You’re in love with me.” I tightened my lips and looked away as her eyes probed mine. I noticed she didn’t deny it.
Hanna rubbed the pad of her thumb across my chin and traced my lower lip. “I love you,” she murmured. “Is that a crime?”
“I have no room for you in my life, Hanna. I’m trying to tell you I don’t want this. It’s all fun and games now, but what happens when we run out of things to talk about?”
“We enjoy the quiet together,” she countered. Her hazel eyes sparked green fire.
I shook her by the shoulders, trying to get through to her. “Listen to me. It won’t end well. If we walk away now, we walk away with memories of happiness and joy. If we don’t, we’ll be left with eventually. Eventually, you’ll start to nag. Eventually, I’ll start to cheat. Eventually, we’ll grow to resent each other. Don’t you get it? I’m not the one for you! You need a man who you can wake up next to every morning, some idealistic romantic who believes in eternity. I don’t! Hanna, we don’t go together. You don’t belong with someone like me.”
“Have I ever asked you for eternity? We’re a great match, Dane. You know that. Don’t—” She shook her head and slid from my lap, walking away from me restlessly. She swiped at her face and sniffled. She looked back at me with trembling lips and wet eyes. “Is there someone else?”
“Of course not,” I replied firmly. “Things have been more brilliant than they’ve ever been for me. I’ve never had the kind of excitement that I have with you. You bring me more pleasure than I could’ve hoped for. We’ve flown so high together that there’s only one place to go next. That’s crashing down.”
“Falling,” she replied, nodding in disappointment. “You don’t want to fall in love, and I guess it doesn’t matter that I’m not afraid of heights.”
I got up, frustration arcing through me. I was trying to go about things as gently as possible, but her emotions were affecting me, and I floundered
under the weight of trying to make things easier for her. It was the end of the road for us. We could linger together and soak up a few more sunny days, but eventualities were the way of life and love. “Relationships never last. This is just how it goes,” I stated flatly.
She turned to me and shoved a pointed finger into my chest. “Relationships are about two people deciding to be together.”
“I’m deciding not to.”
She shouted, “Then why did you waste my time, huh? Why did you take me to Paris? You love me, I know you do. You’re just too afraid to admit it to yourself or anybody, but I know you do!”
Her anger emanated from her slender, curvy body, larger than life. I put my hands behind my head and inhaled deeply like I’d just completed a marathon. I had to tell her, or it would eat at my soul for a lifetime. “Hanna, I never meant to hurt you, I swear. None of this was supposed to happen. Pictures and public appearances. Christ, why did I have to let things go so far?”
“Why did you have to take things so far?” she sobbed. Her tears were flowing freely and her face crumbled more with each word.
“It was a sham, Hanna. I was with you because my PR team felt like I needed to date a woman like you. Someone who would make me look like a better man.” I rose and confronted her. I couldn’t run from what was happening. “The truth is you made me feel like a better man, but I haven’t been. I’ve been using you all along. But somewhere along the way, I started to feel guilty for what I was doing to you. Look, I know it’s too much to ask, but you have to believe me when I say this. This hurts me just as much as it hurts you.”
Her hand shot out like a slingshot and slapped the side of my face hard enough to turn my head. Ringing buzzed in my ears and brief flashes of light dimmed my eyesight. I shook it off and rubbed my stinging cheek. Hanna spat, “You were lying to me all along. And this hurts you as much as it hurts me? You selfish son of a bitch, I trusted you. I believed in you! You let me get in deeper just for publicity? God, how could I be so stupid?”
Dane - Book 2: A Foster Family Saga Page 5
