by J. L. Berg
But I’ll never forgot those eyes.
They were sad eyes. Not because she felt bad for turning me down.
No, they were sad for some other reason.
Over the years, I’ve often wondered what it could have been. She’d always been so upbeat when she visited, almost like she was trying too hard.
Was she making up for something? Covering up a failing marriage perhaps?
She’s divorced.
My brain circles back to that once more, and it gives me a small glimmer of hope. But I’ve felt something like that before when it came to Cora.
Can I trust it once more?
The whole scene was something out of my worst nightmare.
Cora near tears, so on edge, she bolted out of her own daughter’s birthday party. And Lizzie? Lizzie just stood there, torn between running after her distraught mother or falling into the arms of her father.
I could see the indecision on her adorable little face as her eyes drifted down the hall and back toward her dad.
Finally, with one final, apologetic glance toward the man who frankly didn’t deserve any of it, she made up her mind and bolted for the family rooms in the back, toward Cora.
Leaving Blake and me alone.
Well, as alone as two men could be in a house full of people. Let the sizing-up and heavy stares begin.
His eyes went directly to my right side, a sly smirk spreading across his face. “And you are?”
Feeling my fist curl at my side, I did everything I could to keep it from meeting his face. “Dean. A name you’ll be hearing a lot of, I’m sure.”
“Well, Dean.” He said my name like he’d never heard it before. Like it was foul or foreign. Beneath him.
Don’t give in.
He’s just messing with you.
“Do you think you could show me to my room? I have some gifts in my bag I’d like to pull out for my daughter.”
The emphasis on the word daughter was not lost on me.
I violently shook my head. “You’re not staying here,” I said. “You can’t.”
“Excuse me?” His eyebrow rose in a way that told me he was used to getting his way. “I paid for a room.”
“Jesus. You’re the one guest Molly has tonight?”
“Look,” he said, clearly agitated, a state I was sure he was in most of his life, “I don’t know who Molly is, but the deal is, I paid for a room in this place, and I intend to stay. I haven’t seen my daughter in well over a month, and despite what Cora might have told you, I do love that little girl, so if you don’t mind, I’d like my room, please.”
Somehow, in the course of his little speech, I’d managed to get closer to him, his face within inches of mine. That fist that seemed to have a mind of its own was beginning to vibrate, a sensation I’d felt only one other time in my life when Macon Green, the school bully turned town cop, called Molly a string bean, and I punched him.
Honestly, I hadn’t even known what the term meant. I just didn’t like him making fun of my friend. It had made me angry. But the anger I felt toward this very grown-up man, the man who’d abused the woman I loved, it was a hundred times greater than that.
Immeasurable.
“Dean?” I heard Jake’s deep voice pull me back. “Everything okay?”
My heard turned to see him and Molly standing in the entryway to the kitchen, both looking concerned.
Well, Molly looked concerned. Jake looked ready to wrestle me to the floor.
“Yeah,” I answered, my steely gaze returning to Blake. “But it turns out that Blake here might need some new accommodations,” I said loud enough for the entire room to hear. “He’s partial to a rental. Anyone want to help him out with that?”
It was like waving honey in front of a bear.
The locals attacked.
Many of the rentals on Ocracoke were owned by the inhabitants themselves. It was a surefire way to make money, and we were all about keeping that local. But this was the beginning of dry season, and the minute those townsfolk turned around and saw a wealthy-looking dumbass like Blake standing there, basically waving around money with his expensive suitcase and designer clothes, they all rushed forward, offering up every place they had.
I sat back, smiling like a Cheshire cat, knowing Lizzie and Cora would be safe for the night without having to worry about him in the bedroom above theirs.
Now, I just had to figure out how to keep him out of their lives for good.
I didn’t sleep a wink that night.
I’d managed to get Blake out of the inn and into one of the nicest rentals on the island, no doubt causing the owner more strife than necessary for a single night. I imagined the overly privileged Blake was no picnic to have as a houseguest, but if it meant having him away from the girls, it was worth it. Still, even an island separating him from them didn’t feel like enough space.
I needed him gone. And soon.
Every time I managed to drift off to sleep, I’d have the same nightmare.
Him with that stupid smirk on his face, Cora and Lizzie by his side on the ferry as it left the dock.
And me on the shore, unable to stop them.
I would wake, covered in sweat, gasping for air, my arm aching something fierce.
It was just a dream, I’d try to remind myself.
It was just a dream.
But was it?
What if she’s not over him?
I’d heard of women who’d suffered abuse going back to the men who’d caused it.
What if that was Cora? What if she went back to him?
My head was swimming by the time I made it to the clinic that morning, coffee in hand, ready to put the finishing touches on the software program I’d set up. All the records had been entered by my own hand, saving us some money in the long run, and now, I just had to run some tests—another cost-saving measure.
But, as I walked through the back door, my mind was on anything but medical records and software systems.
It was on the woman in front of me.
She looked about as rough as I did, her hair drawn back in her usual bun as she tugged on the same cardigan she wore most days. But I could see the fatigue settling around her eyes
It seemed I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t gotten any sleep.
“Hey,” I said as those dark brown irises met mine. “I brought coffee.”
She gave me a sad smile and held up an already made cup. “Thanks, but I got in early.”
“Right. I’ll just leave this for Jake.”
A heavy, uncomfortable silence settled around us. She looked down at the old linoleum while I stared at my feet.
Finally, I got the nerve to ask, “Is he gone? I mean, did you talk to him? Is he leaving?”
She shook her head. “He’s staying a little longer.”
I stood up a bit straighter. “A little longer? How long?”
Her eyes met mine. “I don’t know, Dean. A few days maybe. I didn’t really ask.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why didn’t you ask?” I demanded.
“Because he was shuffling around his schedule. Because he wanted to see his daughter. Because I screwed up.”
My finger went through my hair as I paced. “You screwed up? You did? Cora, this man beat you! He beat you!”
I didn’t realize how loud I’d become until she matched it.
“He never beat me,” she said softly. “He’d lose his temper and slap me around, but he never beat me.”
My hand scrubbed over my face, feeling the stubble of a previous day. “Jesus Cora. Do you hear yourself right now?” I asked. “Do you hear yourself making excuses for him? You do remember what he did to you?”
“Yes, I remember!” she nearly screamed. “I remember every blow. Every argument. Every tear. I remember laughing off bruises to Lizzie, telling her how dumb her mommy was for running into things so often. I remember how stupid I felt for not being able to make it stop. For not being able to w
alk away. So, don’t raise your voice at me, Dean Sutherland, because I remember. Everything.”
“Then, why are you letting him do this? Why let him stay? Why not make him leave?” I whispered, taking a hesitant step forward.
Thankfully, she didn’t back away.
I hadn’t lost her trust. Yet.
But I had a feeling, I was treading a very fine line.
“Because I also remember everything else. The way he smiled when he held Lizzie for the first time. How proud he was when she said her first word. The tender way he sang to her at bedtime. I will never, ever be able to forgive him for the husband he became, but I can never fault him for the father he turned out to be. He might be overbearing and spoiled, but he loves that little girl.”
I swallowed hard, hating the idea of that man having anything less than a blackened soul. “But does he deserve her? After everything he did to you…”
My hand reached out for hers, and she let me take it, looking down at our two hands joined together with almost a sadness in her eyes.
“I don’t know,” she answered. “But I don’t think that’s up to me anymore.”
“Of course it is,” I pressed, thinking back to the snide sneer he had given me.
She pulled away, looking out the window toward the parking lot.
“Do you know what Lizzie told me when she came to find me during her birthday party yesterday? She said she wasn’t sure if she was allowed to miss her father. Do you know how absurd that is?” She let out a somber laugh under her breath. “When I asked her what she meant, she said she knew Daddy made me sad, that he hurt me, and that’s why we moved away. And, now that we were away and I was happy again, she was scared to even mention him or miss him. She thought she was supposed to forget him.
“And you know whose fault that is? You know who made her believe that? Me. I did that to my little girl. I made her think she had to forget her father.
“She fell asleep, sobbing in my arms, last night, Dean. On her birthday. Because she missed her daddy. It’s not right. None of this is, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do any of this, but I need to figure it out. So, for the next few days, Blake is going to be around, and if you have a problem with that—”
“I don’t,” I said, the lie falling from my lips quicker than a lightning bolt in a summer storm.
“Good,” she said, a look of relief painting her expression. “Because I need support right now. I don’t think anyone really knows how to navigate this sort of thing. There’s definitely not a course for How to Have Dinner with Your Abusive Ex-Husband 101.”
“You’re going out to dinner with that asshole?” The words exploded out of me, causing her to take a step back.
“He wanted to take Lizzie out for her birthday,” she said, her eyes wide as she looked at me with an expression I’d never seen before.
Fear.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said, lowering my voice to something less threatening.
“And you really don’t have much of a say.”
“Are you going to go back to him?” I blurted out, my insecurities showing.
“What?”
I swallowed hard, shaking my head as it filled with uncertainty. “I don’t like him being here, Cora. I don’t think it’s good for you. For—”
“You?” she said, meeting my gaze. “Look, I’m doing the best I can here with a situation that is basically impossible. But, if you think me trying to figure out how to work out a relationship between Blake and Lizzie is somehow me finding my way back to him, then you’re wrong. I had an entire year to go back to him, and I didn’t even though there were plenty of times I’d wanted to.”
Her words gutted me.
“Surprised, are you? That I could want to go back to a man who’d hurt me? That I could be that weak?”
“Cora, I don’t think you’re weak.”
She shook her head, letting out a sound of disbelief. “Your eyes say something differently.”
“Cora, I—”
“I never did,” she continued. “But there were times when I’d think back and remember the man I married, the husband he used to be and wonder if maybe he could be that again, you know? It’s not so absurd—for a woman to go back. We can’t shake those memories. We can’t stop thinking we can fix them.”
“Why didn’t you?” I finally asked, realizing how little we’d actually talked in our time together. How little I knew of this woman I loved so much.
“Lizzie,” she said. “I thought I’d done a good job of sheltering her from everything that was going on in our marriage. I didn’t want her to be raised in a house like that. I didn’t want her to grow up, knowing her father was a monster.”
I exhaled, a defeated sigh escaping my lips. “So, why invite him back into her life now? He’s still a monster.”
“Because he’s not a monster to her. And I won’t let him be.”
A frustrated hand ran through my hair. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with that. I don’t know if I can forgive what he did to you.”
Resigned eyes met mine as she gave a firm nod. “It’s not your job to forgive him. It’s mine. And this isn’t about forgiving or forgetting; it’s about Lizzie.”
And, with that, she walked away, leaving me with an impossible decision.
A lifetime with Cora and Lizzie—and Blake.
Every major life event. Every memory.
He’d be there.
Family gatherings, birthdays, graduation. Lizzie’s wedding.
He’d always be there.
Tainting our lives with his presence. Reminding me of everything he had done to the woman I loved.
But what other choice did I have?
To walk away?
To leave her, knowing he’d be there instead?
No, I couldn’t do that either.
So, I’d endure. I’d endure him for Cora. For Lizzie.
And for the future I saw ahead of us.
“You okay, man?” Jake asked me as he took a place next to me in front of the mirror, both of us adjusting our ties, as the noonday sun streamed through the windows of the yellow room of the inn.
“Yeah,” I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that question? It is your big day after all.”
He smiled at me through the mirror, a great big ear-to-ear grin. “I’m great. Been looking forward to this for a damn long time. That, and Molly and I grabbed a quickie in the closet before the guests arrived.”
A quick wink, and he went off in search of his jacket.
“Isn’t that against the rules? Seeing each other before the wedding? As the best man, shouldn’t I have prevented that or something?”
He laughed, shrugging into his gray suit coat with ease. “Pretty sure we’ve broken just about every rule there is. Nothing wrong with a little stress relief before the big walk down the aisle.”
I shook my head, still messing with my damn tie. Why they had to make these things so damn complicated, I had no idea.
And tight.
God, it was tight.
“Pretty sure you haven’t broken all the rules. Sure, you might live together, but it’s not like you knocked her up or any—”
I caught his shit-eating grin bouncing back at me in the mirror.
“Well, I’ll be damned.”
“We found out on Friday. We hadn’t even been trying. How’s that for irony? The town doctor who actively tells his teenage patients about the importance of birth control gets his soon-to-be wife pregnant before they’re even wed.”
“Well, it’s not like you need to tell anyone.”
“Are you kidding? I want to shout it from the rooftops. I’m so damn happy. But Molly says we need to be cautious.”
I pressed my lips firmly shut, trying to keep from laughing. My highly trained doctor of a best friend had had to be schooled by his soon-to-be wife on Pregnancy 101.
I could already tell this was going to be f
un.
“So, were you even supposed to tell me?” I asked, watching him plop down on the bed to tie his shoes as I finished up my tie.
“Yes,” he replied. “She gave me a list. I’m allowed to tell you, your mother—”
“Whoa, I wouldn’t,” I said. “You tell that woman anything, and it will make its rounds through the whole town within hours. Plus, she’s dying for a grandchild, and at this point, she’s not picky on where it comes from.”
He laughed. “Duly noted.”
“Who else?”
“Oh, um…well, Cora. Or at least, you could. We didn’t think it was fair for you to keep a secret from someone you, uh…you—”
“Love?”
“Yeah, that. So, you do love her?”
“I do. More than I thought I could love anyone.”
I met his approving gaze in the bedroom mirror.
“And the ex-husband? How does he fit into things?”
I let out a discouraged huff of air. “I don’t know,” I said. “He’s been here all week, attending meetings at the school with Cora and going out to dinner with the two of them. I’m trying to be as supportive as I can, but when I see him with them, laughing and joking around, as if nothing happened—”
“You want to kill him?”
“I want to kill him,” I confirmed.
“When she applied for the position, I never asked what had made her decide to move down here. But I always had a feeling she was running. From a past that obviously caught up with her at that birthday party.” He exhaled a long breath as he gave a warm smile in my direction. “I happen to know a thing or two about outrunning your past. It always has a way of catching up to you.” He stood up and placed a solid hand on my shoulder. “Remember that.”
“I’m not running from anything,” I argued.
“Running, ignoring, avoiding—it’s all the same, Dean. Take it from the guy who spent twelve years trying to forget a girl.” He held his arms out wide with that same devil may care grin plastered across his face. “Look where it got me. Now, let’s go get me married. What do you say, best man?”
His joy must have been contagious because I found myself charging toward him like a damn fool, faking one of those one-armed pick-ups Cora loved so much but instead going for an over-the-shoulder bear hug.
