My eyes bug out. Suddenly all the weird, awkward moments between us the past several weeks make much more sense. “That is horrible timing. Like, seriously random, Seth.”
He smiles. “Hey, I figure I better let you know in case that drug does something terrible to you. So it’s out—I love you.”
My stomach fills with butterflies. What was a huge fight now makes complete sense. I thought he considered me stupid for what I was doing, when all he was worried about was losing the girl he loves. Me. He loves me. Though I assumed he loved me, I had no idea hearing the words out loud would mean so much. But they change everything, like a lens bringing the world into focus.
“I love you, too.”
He kisses me, and everything else is forgotten. I pull him on top of me, my insecurities nowhere in sight. I thought I needed to see myself to feel okay with this, but what I really needed was to know where we stood. Now that I know he’s that committed to me, I feel free. My head spins as I get maybe a little too lost in him, considering we’re in an underground bunker.
Then what felt like butterflies in my stomach changes to a sharp stabbing sensation. I gasp, and Seth pulls back.
“Did I…?” His face goes pale as he takes me in, and the stabbing spreads so quickly that I can’t find the ability to scream.
“S-Seth…w-what’s…hurts…”
He’s off the bed without a reply. I think I hear the door slam, but the pain has consumed every inch of my body. It feels like I’m burning from the inside out on top of swallowing hundreds of tiny razors.
Looks like the red pill has decided to do something after all.
My body shakes violently, and I pray I don’t throw up. I’m really starting to regret my choice when I hear Seth’s voice again. “Hurry and help her!”
“I can try.” I think it’s the nurse speaking, but I can’t move my head enough to see. “Except I can’t give her an IV, and I’m not sure her stomach will handle pain pills. The other patients are experiencing acute pain as well—none of them have passed through it yet.”
“I don’t care about the details!” Seth yells. “Just help her!”
The nurse tries to give me pills, but putting them in my mouth triggers my gag reflex and I lose it. Seth grabs the pink bin just in time to catch it. As I heave, I’m vaguely aware of the fact that my puke glistens.
I’ve never seen that before.
“It’ll be okay,” Seth says as he helps me lie back.
“Mm.” My vision is blurry and dim. It might be playing tricks with me, but I swear that the last thing I see before I pass out is spindly red veins in the shape of a hand.
My hand.
Chapter 39
When I open my eyes, Seth sits at my bedside. His eyes fill with relief, and I get the sense that I was out for a lot longer than it feels. “It’s good you’re awake, because you promised not to die.”
“How long…?” That’s when I notice there’s something weird in my vision, and it stays in the same place no matter which way I move my head. I have to cross my eyes to look at it, and that’s when I realize the thing is a nose and that it probably belongs to me. I raise my hand, and for the first time in my life there are fingers and palm, forearm and elbow.
“You’re not dreaming,” Seth says.
“Are you sure?” Because I can see my skin, and it’s tanner than I expected. My nails are seriously stubby, but there are the freckles Seth described. They make me smile.
He nods. “More like you were having a nightmare. You were in so much pain they finally knocked you out with something. The drug took a couple hours to fully work, and Allie was so excited I wanted to punch her.”
I sit up, though I don’t immediately turn to the mirror. Instead I look at the door, reveling in the fact that there’s more than clothing in my peripheral vision. “Where is she?”
“I told her you’d want to be alone when you saw yourself for the first time, and that I’d call her when you wanted.” He takes my hand, and when I look at it on mine my heart leaps for joy it’s so beautiful. “Should I go now?”
Nodding, I say, “You know me too well. Thanks, Seth.”
“Of course.” He kisses my cheek, blocking my view of the mirror. “Just so you know, Allie said the other patients are seeing less effectiveness already. You might not have much time.”
“Okay.” I gulp, knowing the people I most want to show could be impossible to reach. “Any word on my family?”
He shakes his head. “I’ll be right outside if you need me.”
Seth leaves then, and it’s just me and the mirror. My heart pounds with excitement. This still feels like a dream, and for a moment I’m afraid I’ll wake up the second I try to look. So I pull off my blankets, and there are my legs and feet jutting out of the white leggings. The hair on my calves isn’t nearly as bad as I imagined, just a light blond that hardly stands out. Bending over to touch my toes, I run my fingers over them in awe. They are real. I’m real.
I choke back tears. It’s a miracle. Even if it won’t last long. I want to kiss Allie for this chance.
Taking a deep breath, I decide it’s time for the mirror. I turn quickly, and for the first time my own eyes are staring right back at me. I can’t move as I take myself in. It’s like meeting someone I’m sure I should know, but I can’t quite remember them.
I’m shocked that the first things I see are the people who made me—Mom and Dad. Mom’s wild hair. Dad’s sharp jawline. Mom’s eyes. Dad’s cheek bones. For a moment it’s jarring to think I look like the guy who hurt us so much, but then I start to see how much Miles and I resemble each other. If I was visible all the time, there’d be no mistaking us as siblings. That makes everything better.
As I stand up from the bed to get a closer look, everything about how I move is familiar and yet not. My walk seems more awkward than I pictured. I don’t stand very straight. I feel…bigger and taller now that my clothes cover skin.
“This is so weird,” I say to myself, just to see how my mouth moves. My eyebrows rise in surprise because my lips look so strange in use, and then my expression shocks me even more. My face does all sorts of things I could never picture. I glare and smile, purse my lips and roll my eyes. I frown, thinking about how often I do these things and how much they give my feelings away. No wonder Seth can read me so well.
I look down to my dress, realizing this could be my only chance to see my whole body before the drug wears off. My face goes red at the thought, which is yet another thing I can’t believe I’m seeing.
Though I’m not sure I’m ready for the full view, I still pull my dress over my head. Then I slip out of my leggings and unsnap my bra. Finally, I pull off my underwear and force myself to look again. My skin is much lighter under my clothes, and it’s beyond strange to see my belly button. My legs are toned from all the running. But I swear my butt is twice the size I thought, while my boobs aren’t nearly as impressive as I imagined.
I guess I don’t look awful, but I have to admit I feel like Seth has been generous with the compliments. Tilting my head, I try to see what’s so great about me naked. I don’t get it. “This is what he gets excited about?”
The more I look in the mirror, the more uncomfortable I get. I can’t help thinking how much more dingy my hair is than the “golden” he told me. And my nose is weird, always in my view. Does that mean it’s too big? Are my eyes too close together? My teeth are a little crooked. The hair under my arms is also starting to look gross.
Truth is, as excited as I am to see myself, I’m not nearly as pretty as Seth claims.
I can’t help thinking of the drawings I’ve made him do, how I never liked what he created. Maybe I kept expecting to see a model appear on the page, not a normal girl who just happens to be invisible. But I am normal. Just like I wanted to be.
It makes me feel more inferior than I expected.
Feeling too exposed, I scramble for my clothes, for safety. How in the world do people look at themselves? That isn’
t fun. As I put on my clothes, I keep watching myself in the mirror. Clothes make it a little better, something familiar to go with the face I should know but don’t. I cover my mouth, the reality of it crashing down on me.
This isn’t me—this face has never been part of my identity.
Now that it is I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t like it as much as I thought I would, that’s for sure. Freaking out, I begin to pace the room. It’s just like when Seth revealed he could see me; I can’t hide and I want to. How do people live constantly exposed to the world’s eyes?
There’s a knock at the door, and Seth’s muffled voice comes through. “Fiona?”
I don’t answer, embarrassed now that I know exactly what he’s seen all these times.
“Are you okay?”
“No.” I’m not sure he can hear me because it’s a whisper, but the door opens anyway. He must have been watching. I cover my face—why would he want to watch me when I look so weird? Suddenly it seems crazy that he said he loved me at all. He comes in, and the first thing out of my mouth is, “You lied.”
He gives me a confused look. “What?”
“I look weird!” Curling in on myself, my eyes find the floor. But my feet stare back at me and so I close my eyes. “That’s why you hated drawing me, because you didn’t want me to find out.”
He laughs. And not just a little, but a big booming laugh. “You’re kidding, right?”
I don’t answer.
“C’mere.” Seth puts his hands on my shoulders and pushes me back to the mirror. I don’t want to see that stranger again, not right now. “Fi, just look. You wanted to see us together, didn’t you?”
My head snaps up at his words, and this time the mirror doesn’t seem so scary because he’s there with me.
He smiles wide, pulling at my hair. “Golden highlights.” Then he touches my nose. “Cute little button.” He brushes his fingers against my arm. “And freckles. When did I ever lie?”
I bite my lip.
Seth grabs his ears. “You don’t think I know these stick out a little too much?” He points to his arm. “Or that I’m pretty much a scarecrow? Or that my freckles aren’t actually as attractive as you claim?”
“They are, too.”
“Maybe.” He turns me so that we’re facing each other. “Fiona, I didn’t want you to do this because I knew you’d react like this. It doesn’t matter if you can see yourself or not—you’ve never been able to accept yourself as you are. That’s not something you can fix by changing the outside. It comes from inside.”
I look at myself in the mirror again, knowing he’s right. It’s not my reflection’s fault that I’m disappointed. That’s completely on me. “I’m trying, but I don’t know how.”
“You’ll figure it out. But in the meantime…” He puts his arm around me and pulls me right up against him. “Don’t we look good together?”
Though I roll my eyes, I agree with him. It’s surprising how, despite our imperfections, we seem to be perfectly matched. When he’s next to me, it’s easier to be comfortable with myself. I hope there comes a day when I can stand confident on my own, but it’s good to know Seth’s here for me until I do. “Do you have your phone? We should take a picture while we can.”
His smile gets bigger as he pulls it from his pocket. “That’s better.”
Seth takes a few pictures of me on my own, and I marvel that I’m there in them. I’ll be able to see these even when I disappear again—maybe that will keep me from thinking this was just a dream. Then he takes a bunch of us together, and as I flip through them I can’t help but grin. “We really do fit together.”
“Told you.” Seth motions toward the door. “You seem to be feeling better. Do you want me to get anyone?”
My heart skips at the thought. Seth is one thing, but what would everyone else think? “It’s kind of now or never, isn’t it?”
He nods. “Any requests for firsts?”
If there’s no word on my family, then I figure Graham’s still out trying to find them. That means… “If The Pack wants to see me, I wouldn’t mind. But they seemed kind of mad.”
He nods. “They’ve probably cooled down. It was a lot to take in all at once, with the cure and you and the factory.”
“True.”
“I’ll be right back.”
“Okay.” I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves.
Bea comes in first, and instead of shock there’s only a huge smile. Brady’s smile is smaller, but he oozes happiness. Hector’s reaction is a nod of approval. To my surprise, Carlos is the one who frowns. After the non-stop attempts at hitting on me, I figured I’d at least get a catcall.
Bea comes over and punches me. “You’re lucky it worked, because I was gonna kill you otherwise.”
“Why do people keep threatening to kill me?” I rub my shoulder, while I try not to feel self-conscious under everyone’s gaze.
Bea smirks as she looks right into my eyes. “You really are pretty, Fi.”
“Eh,” Carlos says. “I liked it better when you were invisible.”
Seth glares at him. “Excuse me?”
“She looks fine.” Carlos waves his hand at me, more disinterested than I thought possible. “But this takes out all the mystery. Not exciting anymore.”
“Gee, thanks.” I fold my arms, feeling weird, though I should be happy that Carlos will probably never hit on me again. So this is how it feels to be judged on your appearance.
Hector smacks the back of his brother’s head. “Shut up, man. Who wants to hear that?”
“I’m just being honest!”
Brady shakes his head. “Only further proof that Carlos is a dumbass. He’s just saying that because now he’s positive you’re out of his league.”
I look away, embarrassed. I’ve wanted people to see me my whole life, but now that it’s here I can’t believe how much I don’t want to talk about my appearance. Seriously, how long can a conversation about what I look like go? Time for a subject change.
“Forget about me—just think what this could do for you, Brady.” I smile as I look between him and Bea. “No more worrying about hurting anyone.”
His face goes beet red. “I can’t even picture it.”
Seth points at his brother. “It’s not happening until this drug is stable. Fiona went through hell before it worked. Allie said all the patients did. Speaking of, she’ll be wanting to get your vitals. I’ll send the nurse to get her.”
“Okay.” I suck in a breath, not particularly excited because she’ll want to poke at me. I’ve never pictured what it would look like to see a needle in my skin. It makes me queasy. Better distract myself. “Let’s hurry and take pictures, guys. This is kind of a big deal.”
“Hell yes it is!” Bea hops over, and Seth takes our picture. Then Hector, Carlos, and Brady join in. They all take turns taking pictures, and I tell myself it’s okay to smile because these might be the only images I’ll get for awhile.
Allie and the nurse come in, and they tell everyone but Seth they need to leave until they’re finished. “Sorry,” Allie says to me. “The other patients are already experiencing decreased effectiveness. I want you to enjoy your friends, but I need these tests, too.”
“I understand.” I gulp as the nurse pulls out a needle.
“Fi, look at me,” Seth says. “It won’t be as bad that way.”
“Do I look that scared?” I ask, though I do what he says. The nurse rubs something wet in the crook of my elbow, and then there’s an uncomfortable prick that makes me cringe.
He smirks. “You’ve gone pretty white.”
“How are you feeling?” Allie says as the nurse keeps fiddling with my arm. How many vials of blood does she need?
“Fine.” I glance at my reflection. I am pale. Funny. “Still getting used to my face, and I feel exposed. But I’m not in pain, and I don’t really feel sick. A little hungry, though.”
She smiles. “We’ll get you something to eat f
rom the mess hall on the surface.”
I nod. “So, was it a good first test?”
Allie’s face turns more serious. “The pain levels were much more than anticipated, and some of the other patients are still feeling ill despite their mutations having gone away. So though the drug did do its job, the side effects are still light years from ideal. And the fading is much faster than I anticipated. Hopefully in the next round I can make it last longer.”
Finally the nurse finishes, and directs me to hold the cotton swab to my skin. “You can’t expect perfection on the first test,” I say to Allie. “This was incredible for the time you’ve had with the element.”
Allie offers a tiny smile. “Thanks. Oh, I wanted to ask you about possibly getting more merinite—I don’t have much left from the first sample we took.”
“That’s fine. Just take Graham with you when he gets back? No one else.”
“Of course.” She picks up a vial of my blood, seeming in awe that she can see it. “This is quite exciting, to have the privilege of seeing you like this.”
A sudden wave of gratitude hits for what Allie’s given me. “Can I get a picture with you? For memory’s sake.”
“No!” Allie blurts out.
Seth gives her a surprised look. “Why not?”
Allie waves it off, seeming embarrassed. “I just don’t like my picture taken. And besides, this is supposed to be top secret.”
I frown. “I just wanted a picture with the person who made this possible.”
“I’m sorry.” She stares at the ground. “You were the one who made it possible though. I couldn’t have done it without the merinite, and that’s all thanks to you.”
“Oh well…” My voice trails off as I catch sight of myself in the mirror again. There’s no mistaking that there’s something less solid about the way I look. “I guess it’s starting to wear off.”
Allie looks up, panic on her face. “Oh no! We need to test these samples now.”
“On it!” The nurse is already halfway to the door, Allie right on her heels.
Blindsided Page 22
