“Now?” he whispered and she marveled at his restraint.
Unable to speak, she nodded and opened to him completely.
She loved the feel of him around her and then inside her. Pressure built and she scraped her fingernails along the hard planes of his back, drawing a hoarse moan from him in response. As much as she wanted to hold back a part of herself, Millie didn’t do things in half measures. When she gave herself over to him and to her own pleasure, she knew the highest peak of bliss and also the nagging sense she had lost herself to this man and it would likely end in heartbreak.
But that was a worry for another night.
Jake kept her cradled in his arms as she drifted to sleep then woke her hours later with soft, warm kisses along her spine. They made love again, lazily, taking their time with each other and the passion that banked between them.
When morning came, the dawning light had her questioning her sanity. She cursed her lack of willpower and the fact that she’d let her heart lead her down a path her head knew would be her downfall. She needed to collect herself, to gain some physical and emotional distance. She was an expert at compartmentalizing. If only she could figure out where to put last night, Millie thought she might have a chance at making it through the next several weeks.
She went to climb from the bed, but Jake pulled her back against him.
“Are we okay, Millie?”
“We’re great, although we’re going to be late for breakfast if I don’t get in the shower.” They were meeting Olivia, Logan and Brooke at Life Is Sweet later that morning.
“This doesn’t have to change anything.”
It changes everything.
“I know.” She squirmed out of his embrace, feeling emotion knot in her chest. She didn’t want to talk now, didn’t trust herself to speak without revealing her feelings for him. She knew from her mother that showing her heart would give him the upper hand. If she kept her heart guarded, she could hold on to her power. She’d watched her mother give away her power over and over again, watched it seep out of her, leaving her a shell of a woman whose only purpose in life was to keep a man happy.
Millie couldn’t let herself fall into the same trap. She was overreacting, but she couldn’t help it. This was the exact reason she’d limited herself to only casual relationships. She was wired just like her mother, and it had always terrified her that with one misstep, she’d find herself down the same rabbit hole.
Taking the sheet with her, she grabbed her clothes from the floor and retreated to the other end of the house. She turned the water in the shower as hot as she could stand it, hoping the heat would burn away her fears and regret. One night, she admonished herself. It didn’t have to mean anything. Jake had told her as much.
The shower door slid back, and she started as Jake climbed in with her, filling up the small space. She stepped away, her back practically pressed to the cold tile, and wrapped her arms around herself.
“What are you doing?”
He reached out, but instead of touching her, he adjusted the nozzle above his head so that water once again sprayed down on her, keeping her warm. As if his proximity wasn’t enough.
“Does last night change things, Millie?”
She wiped at her face, blinking to see him clearly. “You said yourself it doesn’t.” She jerked her thumb toward the bathroom. “There isn’t exactly room enough for two in here.”
One side of his mouth curved. “There’s plenty of room.” He snagged her hand and placed it on his bare chest, over his heart. She focused on the steady beat of it as he spoke.
“I said it doesn’t have to change anything. Not that I don’t want it to.” His heartbeat increased its pace. “This is new to me, Millie. Everything about this past month has been new to me. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, and I don’t want to hurt you in the process. You get to decide. If this is more than one night, I’ll be thrilled. If last night was an aberration, I’ll respect that. You choose.”
Once again, he was giving her the power. He meant it, she knew, but in putting the decision in her hands he was cracking the last of her defenses. She wanted so much more from this man than he probably knew how to give. She took a breath, ready to tell him that they couldn’t go forward.
The look of vulnerability in his eyes stopped her. His heart beat like crazy beneath her fingers and she knew she wasn’t alone in her fear. Their pasts and the emotional scars they’d both buried so deep bonded them. It was a link, maybe even a foundation. For the first time Millie thought she might have a chance of being on equal footing in a relationship. These were uncharted waters for both of them. Maybe together was the only way to make it through to calmer seas.
“I choose you,” she said softly. “I choose us.”
His eyes closed for a moment and she saw him take a shuddering breath. But when he opened them again, the vulnerability was gone, replaced by smoldering desire.
“Then let’s see if we can’t make this shower fit the both of us,” he said and drew her to him once again.
Chapter Thirteen
Jake found himself distracted for the next several days as Millie’s words echoed in his head.
I choose us.
When had he ever been anyone’s choice? He’d always worked and fought for what he wanted, and all he’d ever focused on was work. Now he had so many other things to occupy his time.
His cell phone beeped again, another text coming through. Another text that he ignored. He’d been avoiding the director of the agency for the past week. A few of his coworkers had called, too. There was never any lack of projects and needs, and Jake had always been the doctor most willing to travel on a moment’s notice to far-flung locations with minimal facilities. Substandard accommodations and difficult cases had been part of the appeal to him, a way to challenge himself while remaining emotionally uninvolved.
Now he couldn’t believe he’d ever been satisfied living like that. His time with Millie and Brooke had made him long for more, allowed him to believe a normal family life might be attainable for someone like him.
He still got daily reminders that he was in over his head. Today’s came at rehearsal for Brooke’s preschool fall musical. The program was some sort of mountain-animal festival. Each of the kids was supposed to be a tree, flower or critter from around the area. It was hard for Jake to tell them apart. He saw a couple of kids with brown felt draped over their shoulders and small headbands that had ears sticking out. Bears, he assumed.
“Aren’t the costumes perfect?”
Jake turned to see one of the mothers standing next to him.
“Um...sure. Very creative.”
She smiled. “I made most of them myself.”
He’d gotten to know a few of the parents, but because Millie worked at the school he’d left most of the mommy socializing to her.
“Your nanny does a great job with the kids.”
He nodded as Millie wiped the tears of a crying girl. Laura Wilkes had put Millie in charge of today’s rehearsal. Brooke waved to him from where she stood near the far side of the makeshift stage. They’d cleared out the preschool room to use for the program. He waved to his daughter, who was dressed as a...
“She makes a very cute fox.”
A fox. Right. That was what he was going to guess.
Millie came over to them. The girl who had been crying was holding her hands together in front of her costume’s lower half.
“It’s hard to remember to take a potty break when there’s so much excitement,” Millie said. “Can one of you help the kids run through the rest of the program while I help her change clothes?” She handed a notebook to Jake. “Here are the notes for the performance.”
Before he could answer, she walked away toward the bathroom. He looked to the other mom, holding out the notebook.
&
nbsp; “Sorry.” She shook her head. “I just stopped by to drop off my son’s snack. I have to pick up his older sister at dance class.” She patted Jake on the shoulder. “You’ll be fine.”
Just like that, Jake was left on his own with over a dozen preschoolers looking at him. His heart pounded as he took a step toward them. One of the boys stuck his finger up his nose and another girl’s lip trembled.
“Daddy, why do you look so angry?” Brooke pulled on the front of her fox costume, which consisted of a red sweater and pointy ears. “You’re scaring Helena. And Derek is eating his boogers, which is disgusting. And someone didn’t flush today when they went number two. And—”
Jake held up a hand. “Okay, Cookie. Thanks for sharing all of that.”
He pointed at the girl with the quivering lip. “You. Helena, right? No tears, got it?”
Helena nodded even as tears streaked down her cheeks.
“No tears!”
“Daddy, stop yelling.” Brooke walked over to Helena. “Come and stand next to me. I’ll protect you.”
“Protect her from me?” Jake eyed his daughter. Panic bubbled up in him. Were fathers supposed to know how to deal with groups of kids? Wasn’t that what moms were for? His daughter was stuck with him. While he was clueless.
She threw him a look. “Daddy, take care of the boogers.”
He tried. Really, he tried. But it was as if the kid hadn’t eaten in weeks and snot was on the dessert buffet.
Fifteen minutes later, Jake was drenched in sweat and his head pounded. The kids had abandoned pageant rehearsal and were running circles around him. Literally.
He tried grabbing for one of the boys, but the kid ducked away from his grasp. Then all of the children stilled. Jake turned around to the sound of singing. Millie walked back into the room, singing a song about children stopping their play so they could listen to her.
And they did.
Jake had tried yelling, pleading, bribes, whatever he could think of, but nothing had worked. All Millie did was sing a little ditty and they fell into line like a platoon of army cadets.
Amazing.
She was amazing.
“How’s it going?”
“Perfect,” he answered, wiping his brow.
She flashed a knowing smile. “Not always as easy as it looks.”
“It never looked easy,” he muttered.
She rounded up the kids then directed Jake to help them take off their costumes and hang them for safekeeping.
Parents, mostly mothers, began trickling in to pick up their children. They seemed impressed that Jake was there helping. He felt like a total fraud as they discussed plans for the pageant, volunteer roles, snack charts and other things most mothers seemed to know intrinsically. He smiled and nodded, but was secretly relieved when he was left alone with Brooke and Millie.
Jake sank into one of the tiny chairs at the preschool table, his knees practically level with his chin. Millie bustled around the room, humming under her breath as Brooke scooped dried beans from a small plastic pool in the center of the room then spilled them out again. Dried beans as a toy—one more thing he would have never thought of.
After a moment, Millie came up behind him. Her legs pressed against his back as she bent to swiftly kiss his cheek while Brooke was occupied. They’d agreed to keep their relationship quiet since it was so new. He imagined his daughter would love the thought of Millie as a potential stepmother, but Jake wasn’t ready to go down that road quite yet.
“That was awful,” he said with a groan.
Millie ran her fingers through his hair. “You managed.”
“Hardly. I made a girl cry and watched one of the boys attempt to eat his weight in snot.”
“Derek,” Millie answered without hesitation. “We’re working on that.”
“I totally panicked, Millie. Those kids looked to me. I was in charge. I couldn’t handle it.” He shook his head. “Janis would have known what to do.”
“Jake...” Millie’s tone was patient. “You’re a dad, not a child-care expert. You did fine. The kids survived.”
“No thanks to me.”
“Why are you being so hard on yourself?” She lowered herself to the chair next to him, patting his arm, her gaze sympathetic. “You’ve got years to get good at this.”
He suppressed a shudder. “That’s just it. What if I never get good? What if I don’t want to?” He felt her gaze on him but couldn’t look at her. “I’m a doctor. I know how to sew up the human body, but the thought of making a costume for my daughter is terrifying.”
“You buy them online,” she countered.
“That’s not the point and you know it. I want to be a part of Brooke’s life. I love her and can’t imagine life without her. But I still don’t believe I’m her best bet for every day.”
“You’re her father.”
“That’s biology. Lord knows my father didn’t add a damn thing except misery to my childhood. Yours wasn’t much different. I might do more harm than good to her. That would kill me.”
“You won’t, Jake.”
“You don’t know that.” He shook his head as he watched his daughter. “Janis and John are pressuring me about a custody agreement. The agency is pressuring me to commit to a timeline for returning to the field.”
Millie stiffened. It was the first time he’d mentioned going back to his old job. “I thought you liked working at the hospital here.”
“I do, but it’s temporary.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“I’m not cut out for this,” he whispered. “As much as you want it to be.”
“Me?” She stood. “This isn’t about me. It’s about the daughter who needs you in her life.”
“I’d be in her life. Only not the way you want me to.” He turned away, unwilling to see the disappointment he knew he’d find in her gaze. It was the same emotion he’d read on the faces of his brothers and sister when he left home, and he couldn’t stand to fail someone he cared about again.
* * *
Millie heard the door to the preschool open as Jake’s words trailed off. He was right to stop this argument, of course, for many reasons. But she didn’t want it to end without convincing him that she was right. She couldn’t let go of her determination to see him settled as a full-time father for Brooke.
But when she caught sight of the woman peeking her head around the door to the main room, Millie’s heart took off at a frantic pace.
She whirled as Jake stood up behind her, his finger resting lightly on her back as if to give her support. She stepped away from his touch.
“Mrs. Bradley,” she said, taking a hesitant step forward. “What are you doing in Crimson?”
“Hello, Millie.” The woman adjusted her bun and gave the room an approving glance. “You didn’t return my calls, so I contacted your sister. She told me I could find you here.”
Millie’s heart sank as she thought about how much detail Karen Bradley might have shared with Olivia. Jake cleared his throat behind her.
“Oh, right,” Millie sputtered. “This is...” She paused, as if she’d forgotten Jake’s name. “Let me introduce you to—”
“I’m Jake Travers,” he said, reaching out a hand.
“Karen Bradley, dean of the College of Education from the University of Las Clara.”
“Mrs. Bradley was my course adviser when I was at school,” Millie told him.
Jake nodded. “Millie works for me here in Crimson.”
“Works for you?” Karen’s brows furrowed. “I thought you worked at the preschool, Millie.”
Before Millie could answer, Brooke ran forward. “Millie is a Fairy Poppins. That means she’s my nanny.” The little girl pushed her hair back from her face. “I’m Brooke. He’s my daddy.
” She pointed to Jake. “My mommy died when she went to find him. She’s in heaven now, but I wish she was still here with me.”
Karen’s gaze didn’t waver from Brooke’s. Karen Bradley was an expert on early childhood education, having spent her career teaching and writing books that were used in college classrooms around the country. Millie had always felt intimidated by her faculty adviser, but she trusted that Karen could handle Brooke’s honesty about her mother’s death. “That must have been very hard for you.” She bent to Brooke’s level as she spoke.
The girl nodded in response. Her fingers flexed as if she was holding Bunny to her side, but the stuffed animal was tucked away in one of the preschool cubbies. It had been a big step for Brooke to relinquish her hold on Bunny during preschool hours and now Millie wanted the girl to have the comfort of the familiar lovey in her arms.
“It’s good that your daddy is here for you.”
“When I had my birthday party, I wished for a daddy. I told Mommy I would trade all my presents for having a daddy like my friends. He was my birthday wish, so Mommy went to get him for me.” She spread her arms wide. “But there was a big earf-quake and she got dead.”
Millie heard Jake suck in a breath and realized she was holding hers. None of them had understood exactly what had prompted Stacy Smith to seek out Jake when he’d known nothing about Brooke for years. She realized it was the girl’s own request. Somehow it made Jake’s presence in Brooke’s life all the more poignant.
“You’re a brave girl, Brooke.”
Brooke looked to Millie. “Can I get Bunny out of his cubby?”
“Of course.”
As the girl left the room, Millie dabbed at the corner of her eye. She couldn’t make eye contact with Mrs. Bradley or Jake.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” she heard Karen say to Jake.
“It’s not... We weren’t... It’s a long story.” He touched Millie’s elbow. “Do you two need some privacy?”
“That would be—” Karen began at the same time Millie said, “Nope. All good here.”
Suddenly a Father Page 15
