Dammit. I was a dickhead.
But I couldn’t do anything about it now. I’d made my grand statement, ended things, said things I couldn’t take back, and I had to live with that decision. And, it was the right decision. I needed to be there for Logan, and I couldn’t do that and really support her if I was dating Jase’s sister. It wasn’t right, and Logan came first.
That’s all there was to it.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Logan
The week flew by and before I knew it I had to face going back to my dorm and back to class. I’d avoided the Internet like the plague, but I knew the whole world knew Jase and I were no longer together. I hated that my life was so public. Our break-up had ripped me to shreds, and it should have been private, but it wasn’t. The details had been leaked, and everyone knew Jase had slept with Chloe.
I could barely stand to go outside, but I knew going to class would help. Maybe if I threw myself into my schoolwork, I could numb some of the pain I was feeling – pain that felt all too familiar. Jase and I had broken up twice before, but neither of those times had felt as raw and painful as what I was now dealing with, and it was nearly impossible for my brain to come to grips with the fact that I was no longer Jase’s girlfriend.
It was over in an instant. Just like that. I tried to look back, search for signs that I could have missed that told me Jase wasn’t happy, that he’d needed some other kind of fulfillment, but there weren’t any. Was it just the distance? Had that shattered us so easily, and if so, maybe our relationship wasn’t as strong as I’d thought it was.
I found myself wondering as I drifted out of my English class, having failed to hear most of the lecture, why I’d let Jase hurt me again after he’d sent me spiraling once before. Maybe I should have seen it coming. And maybe breaking up for the third time was a sign. Three strikes and you’re out. I was definitely out.
“Logan!”
I sighed as I looked up to see a girl named Janie who I’d been in class with the semester before waving to me from across the way. People had been staring at me all day and whispering, and I wondered how on earth so many people I didn’t know were up to speed on the intimate details of my love life. Because of that, I’d sat in the back corner of the classroom during English and kept my eyes on the front of the room. The last thing I wanted was for strangers to pry into my life uninvited. They could read all they wanted on the Internet and in the gossip rags, but they weren’t getting anything from me.
Janie beckoned me over to where she and her friends were standing, and reluctantly I went. I wasn’t really in the mood to talk to anyone, but she was a sweet girl. We’d done a group project together at the end of the semester, and she’d worked harder than anyone else. And the last thing I wanted was for anyone to think I was too good to talk to them. I wasn’t a snob.
“Hey Janie,” I said, as I hiked my backpack higher on my shoulder.
It was warmer outside than when I’d left my dorm earlier, and the black hoodie I was sporting was soaking in the hot midday sun. But I wasn’t wearing anything underneath it, so I couldn’t take it off.
“How are you?” she asked sympathetically, like we were great friends, and I realized what she was doing. I shouldn’t have been so trusting.
“I’m fine,” I answered curtly.
“Are you?” she asked, leaning toward me. I noticed her friends, who I’d never met, were staring at me in what looked like awe.
“Yes.”
“Did you really date Jason Brady?” one of her friends, a girl with honey-colored blond hair asked suddenly, the excitement palpable in her voice.
“Shut up, Chrissy,” Janie hissed at her.
“Do I know you?” I snapped at the girl, Chrissy apparently.
“Um, no,” she said, taken aback by my harsh tone.
But I wasn’t messing around. My life might be up for debate in chat rooms and on blogs and entertainment TV shows, but I wasn’t talking about it voluntarily with anyone. I didn’t care how sweet Janie had been, this wasn’t cool.
“Okay, then since I don’t know you, I’m not sure my love life is really any of your business,” I retorted.
Janie turned to me then. “Did he really cheat on you with Chloe St. James? Because if he did, that is so horrible, and he is so dumb, because she was a total bitch to him, and you are so nice.”
Wow!
Was that supposed to be some sort of ‘solidarity sister!’ statement, because I wasn’t buying it.
But I was so glad I had my sunglasses on, because as soon as she said that, my eyes pricked with tears – and not just because she’d mentioned what happened between Jase and Chloe. That stung like it always did when I relived those moments in his hotel room, seeing her naked in a bed that I’d shared with him and realizing that he’d betrayed me, but I was also pissed because Janie was trying to weasel her way into my life, and I didn’t like people trying to take advantage of me.
And sadly enough, another part of me honestly wanted to defend Jase. Janie didn’t get to call him dumb. I could, because I actually knew him, but I wasn’t cool with her doing it – no matter how seriously dumb he’d been.
“Janie, we don’t even know each other that well, so I’m sorry, but I’m not talking to you either. And you should really take a minute to think about what you’re asking, because it’s rude. If any of you had supposedly been cheated on by your boyfriend, and it was splashed all over the place, would you really want me asking you about it?” None of them said a word, and I realized how bitchy I was being, but I just didn’t care. “Yeah, I didn’t think so. Have a great day girls. See you around.”
With that, I turned and walked away from them, not caring that they were staring open-mouthed at me.
I made it back to my dorm room without anyone else bothering me which was a relief. I didn’t need any more encounters like the one I’d just had, and God help me if I saw anyone from the media. I probably would have gone off on them.
The administrators tried to keep the photographers and reporters off campus, but sometimes they snuck in. I’d learned after the first few times of trying to side-step them when they surrounded my dorm that a call to campus security would chase them away. But I couldn’t help it if they attacked me in broad daylight, took my picture when I looked like hell and asked me inane questions about my relationship.
Right as I was inserting my key into the lock to open the door to my dorm, I felt a presence behind me and instantly thought it was a photographer. I turned to tell him to get the fuck away from me when my eyes came face-to-face with a broad chest. I followed it up, my heart pounding out of my chest, rage and pain bubbling inside me, as my eyes fell on Jase’s chiseled jaw and straight nose. Aviators covered his eyes, which was probably a good thing since his green eyes were usually my undoing. His brown hair was covered with a hat, and the hood of his sweatshirt was up over his head. He was trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible, and I knew coming to campus was a risky move on his part, especially since I didn’t see Charlie anywhere.
My hand tightened around the strap of my backpack. “What do you want?”
“Where have you been?” he asked, concern lacing his voice.
“Class. I am here to get an education, you know.”
“Logan, come on. You know that’s not what I’m asking. I’ve been trying to find you for a week. Where have you been?”
“None of your business,” I snapped, as I turned and grabbed the door handle and flung the door open.
Jase’s hand shot out and grabbed my shoulder. “Wait,” he called out abruptly, as I shook him off.
“Don’t. Fucking. Touch. Me,” I said, slowly and clearly, so he couldn’t miss a syllable.
“Logan, don’t,” Jase said then, and his words rooted me to the spot. I could tell he was breaking down inside. “Please.”
I took a deep breath, wishing I was stronger, but I was having hard time separating the guy who’d told me he loved me a thousand times with the gu
y I’d found with a naked girl in his bed nearly a week ago. Maybe I’d dreamt it. Maybe it hadn’t been real. Because it sure as hell was hard to fathom that this guy had done that. But he had. I’d seen it, and he hadn’t denied it.
“What?” I asked, exhaustion overtaking me. I really hadn’t been sleeping well. Ethan kicked in his sleep, and that coupled with my emotional state had me tossing and turning a lot.
Jase rubbed his temples with his hand. Then he sat down on the step beneath him and let his head fall into his hands. I stood there staring at him, not sure exactly what I was supposed to do. Instinct told me to put my arms around him, comfort him, but I kept my hands to myself. I knew if I did something like that I’d regret it later, and it would give him false hope. I didn’t want to instigate either of those things.
“I can’t fucking do this,” he said to the ground.
“Do what?” I asked softly, even though I knew the answer. I felt myself caving, and I had to stay strong. I couldn’t feel sorry for him.
He looked up then, but his gaze was fixed on a point in the distance like it was hard for him to even look at me. “Lose you. I can’t lose you, Logan. You’re the only thing that keeps me sane in my fucked up world. You keep me grounded, and you keep things in perspective, and I just, I love you so goddamn much.”
I moved my arms down around my stomach, as the urge to sink down next to him hit me so fast and furious, and I had to stay standing, so I held myself as upright as I could. Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, and I knew I should be crazy with anger, but it was really hard to feel that when the guy you loved – in spite of the heinous thing he did – was falling apart in front of you and telling how much he needed you.”
I pulled my strength together. “Yeah, well, you should have thought about that before you screwed some other girl,” I said, and I knew it was harsh, but it was the truth.
Finally he looked up at me. “Would you believe me if I told you I didn’t think I’d slept with her?” he asked, and even though I couldn’t see his eyes, I knew there was the briefest glimmer of hope in them.
“No,” I said softly, because even though I wanted to believe that with all my heart, my brain had honed in on one word – think. He didn’t ‘think’ he’d slept with her, but he didn’t know for sure.
God, this situation was so fucked up.
“I figured you’d say that,” he said as if he already knew what my answer would be. “But if it’s any consolation, I honestly don’t think I slept with her.”
I sighed, my heart constricting painfully. There was that word again.
“Jase, I can’t do this,” I said, but I didn’t walk away like I should have.
He looked down at the ground again, and I turned to face the door, my hand reaching for the handle.
“The condom wasn’t used,” he said then, and I spun back around.
“What?”
He shrugged. “The condom Chloe showed you, it wasn’t used.”
“How do you know?”
He shook his head. “You don’t want to know the answer to that question.”
Yeah, I probably didn’t, but it also didn’t mean anything. A million scenarios flashed through my mind as to how an unused discarded condom landed in that bathroom trashcan, and all of them ended with Jase sleeping with Chloe. Whether he’d used protection or not – and if he didn’t, he was pretty darn stupid – it didn’t change anything.
“Jase, I’m sorry, but I really can’t do this. I have to go.”
That time I really did go inside, and I didn’t look back. I pulled my strength together as I trudged up the stairs to my dorm room on the fourth floor, thankful Henley wasn’t there when I walked inside, because as soon as the door closed, I dropped my backpack on the floor, fell onto my bed and started to cry. I’d been fighting back tears all morning, and I couldn’t hold them in any longer.
A few minutes later, my phone alerted me that I had a text message. I picked up my phone to look at it. Of course it was from Jase.
I love you, and I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
I started to cry harder, wishing it were that simple. But something as monumental as what he’d done, I couldn’t forgive. I wasn’t that kind of girl.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Logan
I’d been avoiding Nora. She’d called me like crazy after she found out what had happened, and I hadn’t called her back. I was a shitty friend, but I was having a hard time separating her from her brother, which was what was making me stay away. Besides, where did her allegiance lie? With him, no doubt, so could we really continue to be friends?
But I’d have to see her at the end of the week. We had a meeting at 57 Jeans on Friday. I couldn’t avoid her.
So after my class on Wednesday, I drove to Brentwood to her parents’ café, hoping she’d be there. She usually worked on Wednesdays, so I knew it was a safe bet, and since it was three in the afternoon, the café wouldn’t be busy. We could probably sit and talk relatively freely.
I just hoped Jase wouldn’t be there. If he was, I was leaving. I couldn’t face him.
When I walked in Nora looked up from behind the counter where she was making a latte for someone and raised an eyebrow at me, but she didn’t say anything, so I wasn’t sure what that meant. I got in line, figuring I’d order something. I could use some caffeine.
As I waited, I surreptitiously looked around, feeling instantly relief when I didn’t see Jase anywhere.
“So,” she said bitterly when I reached the counter, “you finally remembered we were friends.”
I sighed. “I’m sorry, Nora, but it’s kind of been a rough week and a half. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk to anyone.”
“Except Ethan,” she said bitchily.
“Excuse me?”
“Ethan,” she repeated. “My ex-boyfriend.”
My jaw dropped. “He broke up with you?”
She folded her arms across her chest. “Yeah, he did. The asshole. Because apparently all things Jase are somehow connected to me. It made absolutely no sense when he came over and told me he couldn’t be with me because of what Jase had done to you, but whatever. I guess I should have seen it coming.”
It was ironic that Ethan and I had the same thought regarding Nora’s allegiance to Jase, and I felt like shit for assuming that. But I couldn’t dwell on it at that moment. Something she’d said struck a chord with me.
I narrowed my eyes. “What do you mean you should have seen it coming?”
She rolled her eyes at me and turned toward the backroom. “Paul, I’m taking a break. Can you cover out front?”
“Sure,” a male voice yelled back.
“Have a seat,” Nora said, gesturing to two armchairs by the window. “We need to talk.”
Then she busied herself making two drinks, so I figured I’d go sit down. I wasn’t exactly sure what was so dire about what she had to say, but she was so demanding that I decided to listen. I figured I owed her that much after shutting her out and being a crappy friend.
A few minutes later, she handed me a drink. “Double mocha latte,” she said unceremoniously before plopping down across from me.
I took a sip of the strong drink that Nora always made for me and relished in the almost instant caffeine and chocolate rush that hit me. She made her drinks strong.
“Okay,” she said, taking a sip of what was no doubt a soy vanilla latte. “Here’s the deal. Ethan still has feelings for you. That’s why he broke up with me.”
I paused mid-sip and looked up at her. “Excuse me?”
“Lo, he likes you. He always has.”
“No, he doesn’t,” I quickly defended, even if I’d suspected the same thing. I didn’t want it to be true. “That’s crazy. He told me months ago that his feelings weren’t real, that he was just confused when he told me he loved me.”
She shook her head. “He was lying to you, because he didn’t want to lose you as a friend, but he’s liked you all this time.”
“No, that’s not true,” I insisted. “I know how much he liked you. Why would you think he has feelings for me? Did he tell you that?”
“He didn’t have to, Logan. Look, I was hesitant to let him in because I was afraid that he’d always put you first. I knew he liked you, so I told him that until he could prove to me that he was over you, I wouldn’t date him, because I wasn’t going to be second to anyone, but he was so sweet and cute, and so persuasive that I gave in. And we had a lot of fun over the six weeks we were together, so I thought he really liked me, but then he ended things. And there’s just something really ironic about the fact that he dumped me the day you became available.”
I shook my head slowly. “No, Nora, you can’t believe that. He was pissed at Jase, and I can see how he would maybe not be able to separate his anger for him with his feelings for you because you’re related to him. Ethan is fiercely protective of me, and I guarantee if he ran into Jase, he’d try to tear his head off. Of course Charlie would probably intervene and kill Ethan, but it wouldn’t stop him from trying. That doesn’t mean he has feelings for me. Not at all.”
“Logan, I love you, babe, but you’ve got blinders on if you believe that. Ethan has strong feelings for you, and it sucks big time, because I really, really liked him, but I can’t be you.”
I hated hearing her say that. She was perfect and amazing and so right for Ethan. I was going to kick his ass later for ending things with her and not even telling me. What was he thinking? I’d never seen him as happy as I had when he was with Nora. He’d fought having a girlfriend for so long, but then he’d gotten one, and he’d been happy. Why would he end something so good?
Even if he did like me – which I still couldn’t wrap my head around, I wasn’t interested in him. We were just friends.
“He’s an idiot, Nora. Seriously. I can’t believe he’d be so stupid.”
She shrugged. “He’s a boy. They do really stupid things,” she said pointedly.
Gravity Happens (Forcing Gravity) Page 22
