“No! Why would you ask that? This is my idea. All me!”
He seems proud of himself. I fold my napkin in my lap and stare down at my growing stomach. I’ll have to stop going to school once the baby is born. I only have three months of classes left until I can take my finals to complete my junior year. We’re going to be living with his parents after the birth. It would make it easier to co-parent if we’re married, but is this what he really wants? “Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with me?” I ask with concern.
Mike laughs. “Oh, Everly. You’re so beautiful when you’re nervous. Your forehead smushes together and your nose crinkles into a ball. I’m going to be a father, and you are the mother of my child. The baby will be a Haley. Shouldn’t its mom be too?”
Everly Haley. I repeat the name over in my head. I don’t know why I suddenly feel so indifferent about it. For the last six months I thought I loved Mike’s last name. Now as I pair it with mine, it just doesn’t seem right. I manage a small smile.
Mike crouches down next to me. “Marry me?”
It isn’t the proposal of my dreams and he isn’t on his knee, but it’s better than nothing. He wants to marry me. He wants us to be a family. As I let the idea sink in and I stare into loving, wanting eyes, something inside tells me it’s enough.
I nod. “Yes. I’ll marry you.”
“Haley?” the nurse calls. I snap out of my trance and raise my hand like I’m in class. She smiles kindly at me as I push myself up out of my seat. I’m six months pregnant and I’m huge.
She motions for me to lead and I waddle through the door into the hall. “Let’s get your weight,” she says as she points to the scale.
“Ugh, do I have to?”
She laughs lightly. “Yes, I’m afraid so.”
I step onto the scale and watch her slide the bar to the right. Then right some more. I can feel my eyes pop, and I instantly remember I’m still wearing my shoes.
“Wait!” I announce. I step down and kick off my shoes, certain they weigh ten pounds each. I try to think lightly as she adjusts the scale, but not by much of anything.
“Eight pounds,” she says as she scribbles on her clipboard.
“No… are you sure?” I beg with hope.
“The baby is growing. It happens.”
“But I’m only six months and I’ve gained thirty pounds. Is that possible? Is that bad?”
“If you’re worried, you should voice your concerns to the doctor. Ultrasound today, correct?”
“Yes.” I smile.
“Well, let’s get you ready. Doctor Gernsbaugh is actually running on schedule today, so it should be no time at all.”
I glance up at the clock in the hall. He’s late. “I’m waiting for my husband. He should be here any minute.”
She nods her head and leads me to the room. “We’ll bring him in as soon as he arrives.’”
I’m thankful to not have to change into a paper gown this time, and I sit on the exam table, staring at my phone. I text him three times and he doesn’t respond. The nurse comes in twice, and I keep asking her for more time. She seems to be getting impatient. I call his number and it goes immediately to voicemail. “Where are you? You’re thirty minutes late.” I hope and pray he’s on his way, but something in my heart tells me otherwise. I try to control my anxiety when Dr. Gernsbaugh sticks his head in the door. “Are we ready?” he asks.
I nod my head as the phone trembles in my hands. “He’s stuck in traffic,” I lie as I glance down at my feet. I’m such a bad liar. “He could be another hour, so we might as well just start.” I wave it off like it’s not a big deal, but I can see the uncertainty on his face. I smile brightly, hoping to shroud my inner sadness. As I lean back onto the table and he pours the jelly onto my stomach, I silently curse Mike for missing yet another appointment.
The thumping sound grows stronger and diverts my attention from my thoughts to the monitor. The pulsing heart and the rhythmic beats in the middle of the screen are all I need to feel happy and grateful.
“Strong and fast,” the doctor says with a grin.
I smile too, and in that moment nothing else matters but the glorious sound of life.
“I’M SORRY. I forgot.”
“You forgot?” I question in anger as I toss my purse on the couch. “How could you forget something so important? It’s bad enough that you haven’t been to a single appointment, but this was an ultrasound. You missed the first one, and you swore to me you’d be there this time!”
Mike sighs as he rubs his eyes. “You got the little pictures, right? Can’t I just see those?”
I stare at him for a moment before I reach into my purse and toss the prints at him. They flutter to the floor and I stomp into the bathroom I’m currently sharing with Mike and his roommate. I hated having to leave Gwen, but married people are supposed to live together. She said hell no to his roommate taking my place. I slam the door behind me and the mirror shakes in response. I flop down on the toilet seat and bury my head in my hands. “Insensitive asshole,” I whisper.
I hear him rap on the door, and he opens it immediately following the knock. I don’t even glance in his direction.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers as he bends down to me. “I should have been there. I got so caught up in studying that I forgot.”
“I called you and texted you three times!” I say through gritted teeth.
“I turned off my phone. I always do that when I need to focus. You know that.”
“What if there was an emergency and I needed to reach you?” I ask with panic as I stare into his eyes.
Mike sighs. “There wasn’t an emergency. The baby’s good, right?”
I nod.
“Okay then. You know I’m working really hard so I can get a good job when I graduate. I’m doing this for you and the baby. So I can take care of you.” He leans his arms on my legs and stares up into my eyes. He’s got that look. I see his eyes dart from mine down to my growing breasts. They’re about to pop out of my shirt, and I’m suddenly reminded of how uncomfortable my bra is making me.
“You’re beautiful, you know,” he states as he licks his lips.
“No!” I respond. “You don’t deserve me.” I cross my arms over my chest.
He smiles and runs his hand through his wavy blond hair. “I know I don’t deserve you, but I do love you. And I love this baby, with all my heart.” He pushes forward and leans his lips on my stomach, kissing lightly. I move my hands so they can rest on my belly and find my fingers running through his thick hair.
“You smell so good,” he states as he continues to kiss my stomach.
I sigh and feel the warmth of his lips and breath through my shirt.
“Can I see?” he asks.
“I gave you the pictures,” I whisper.
“I don’t want to see pieces of paper with blurry images. I want to see your skin. I want to see where my baby is growing inside you.”
I let out a long breath and lift upward onto my feet. Mike stands with me and takes my hand. He leads me to the bedroom and lifts my shirt to reveal my bulging belly then begins to kiss my stomach. “I love you, baby,” he states in between kisses. “I love your mommy too. Do you think you can get her to forgive me? I promise I’ll make it up to her for the next few hours if she’ll let me.”
His eyes lift to mine as he stands. I glance up only slightly at his face. He’s not much taller than I am and I’m five eight. He grins and removes my shirt. I stare at him and forget my anger when I feel his hot mouth on my lips. Once again, I find myself forgiving and forgetting. He loves me. I just need to let it go.
IT’S BEEN ALMOST two months since we had sex and nothing has changed. I thought maybe the morning after he might be surprised to find me asleep on the couch, but he didn’t question it. I went on paying the bills, taking care of the kids, and running errands, and he went on working incredibly long hours.
Today is Sunday, and it’s the only day he doesn’t go into the o
ffice. It’s almost 11:00 A.M. and he’s still sleeping. I’ve been careful to make sure the kids are quiet and don’t wake him. He finally staggers down the stairs and a very eager Kale meets him excitedly.
“Dad, do you want to see the new karate moves I learned this week? I could show you!”
He raises his hand to him. “Hold on, Kale. I’m just waking up.”
Kale nods his head and bites his t-shirt collar¸ gnawing on it with his teeth. It’s a nervous habit he has that causes the fraying of all his shirts. I’m about to tell him to stop when I find myself chewing on my nail. I huff to myself and hold my words. Apparently he got the biting habit from me.
“Dammit, Kale. Stop biting your collar. Your shirts all look like we pulled them out of the trash. I don’t work the hours I do so you can ruin every shirt I buy for you.”
“You didn’t buy it,” he responds innocently as he motions in my direction. “Mom did.”
Mike’s fist slams into the table, causing both Kale and me to jump. “And where do you think she gets the money to buy that shirt?”
I can see the uncertain fear in Kale’s eyes as he glances back and forth between his father and me. “From… her… wallet?”
Mike sighs, and I can’t help the small chuckle that leaves my lips. Mike’s head turns and I feel him glare at me. I focus on Kale. “Hey, hun, why don’t you see if you can show Marlow some of your moves. I bet she’d love karate if she gave it a chance.”
Kale’s shoulders slump. “Okay…” I watch him slowly tread away. I know he’s hoping Mike will stop him, but he doesn’t. I feel an ache in my chest at the disappointment in his eyes.
As soon as Kale is out of earshot, I sit down at the table and grit my teeth at Mike. I know he can see me staring at him as he sips his coffee. I get a whiff of it and it makes my stomach curl. I’m not sure why.
“I don’t want to hear it, Everly,” he says.
“He barely sees you. You leave before he gets up and you come home after he’s in bed. He wants to spend time with you. He misses you and he needs you, Mike.”
“Don’t try to lay a guilt trip on me. I didn’t say I wouldn’t spend time with him. I just asked for a minute to wake up. Is that too much to ask?”
My lips twist to avoid saying something nasty, and I push away from the table. As I stand, I grasp the edge of the table to steady myself.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing… I think I just got up too fast,” I respond.
“Are you not eating again? I swear every time I turn around you and Gwen are trying some new fad diet in an attempt to get back your high school body. We all know it’s long gone.” He laughs. “How is the crab, anyway?”
“Don’t talk about her like that!” I bark. “She’s my best friend and you know it bothers me that you two don’t get along.”
He sets his coffee cup down and turns toward me. “Does she want to get along with me?” he asks. “Does she suddenly want to be my friend?”
I sigh and my eyes fall to the floor. I wish I could lie and say she does, but it’s so far from the truth. I know he wouldn’t believe it even if I somehow managed to lie well for once in my life.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” he responds with a chuckle. “She hasn’t liked me since the moment she found out you were pregnant.”
“That’s not true,” I respond sincerely as I dry a pan from breakfast. “She hasn’t liked you since the moment she met you.”
“Ha!” he says with blatant sarcasm. “Well, the feeling’s mutual.”
“Daddy…” Marlow calls as she runs down the stairs. “Kale kicked me in the leg.”
“Kale?” Mike calls out.
Kale stomps down the stairs. “What?”
“Did you kick your sister?”
“It was an accident. I was showing her how to take someone’s leg out.”
Mike turns to me. “Well, it was your idea. You can handle this one. I’m going to take a shower.” Mike stands and moves toward the stairs.
“Dad, will you play soccer with me today?” Marlow asks.
“I already asked him to watch my karate moves,” Kale responds to her angrily. “I asked first. He’s going to play with me.”
“That’s not fair. I was going to ask him earlier, but Mom said I couldn’t wake him.”
“You snooze, you lose, loser,” Kale responds.
“Kale…” I interject.
“Okay, Kale the snail,” she mocks.
“Marlow…” I roar.
“You’re an idiot,” Kale shouts as he pushes her shoulder.
“No, you are!” she says as she pushes back.
“Both of you, stop!” I yell loudly.
“All of you, just shut up! Now I have a headache. I’m going to take a shower and lie back down. I’m sick of all the yelling in this house!”
“But Dad…” Kale starts.
“Enough!” Mike responds. “And you keep your hands off your sister. If I see you push her again, I’m going to push you and see how you like it. You’re older and bigger than her. Boys don’t touch girls in this house.”
“You can say that again,” I respond under my breath. Mike glares at me before he stomps heavily up the stairs.
I shrug when I realize he heard me.
Kale stares at me expectantly. “It’s all her fault.”
“It’s not my fault, it’s yours!” she shouts.
“Shhh…” I whisper with my finger to my lips as I search my mind for some kind of distraction for them. “You know what I was thinking would be fun?”
“What?” Kale asks as he crosses his arms and frowns.
I notice how much he looks like his father in that moment and I do a double-take at him before I remember what I was going to say. “How about we have a bake-off.”
“What’s a bake-off?” Marlow asks.
“A bake-off is where you both come up with cookie recipes and we make them to see whose taste the best.”
“That’s not fair,” Kale states. “We know you can cook better than we can.”
“Oh, I’m not competing. I’m neutral. I’ll help both of you make them without giving away the other’s secrets. Then, when they’re finished, we’ll have a blind taste test and see whose cookies are better.”
“Can dad try them too?” Kale begs.
I sigh inside, hoping he’ll be game. “Of course!” I say with my biggest smile.
“And I can put anything I want in them?” Marlow asks.
“Yes you can.”
“Even pickles?” Kale questions.
I smile. “Umm… I suppose, although I’m not sure that’s a winning choice.”
Kale and Marlow laugh, and after they wash their hands, I announce the beginning of the first annual Haley cookie bake-off. After an hour of cracking eggs and mixing flour with sugar, the kids finally get the chance to mix in their secret ingredients. Kale goes for chocolate chips, mini marshmallows, and caramel sauce, while Marlow adds oatmeal, raisins, and white chips. We make a mess, but the kids have a blast, so I don’t care about the clean-up. It’s nice to see them compete without fighting for once.
They both sit down in front of the oven and watch each other’s cookies baking. They try to guess each other’s ingredients, and Kale makes Marlow howl in laughter as he guesses the most disgusting ingredients he can think of. I grab my phone and snap a picture of them in front of the oven. It’s a moment I want to cherish forever.
A few minutes later, Mike saunters down the stairs. The kids leap up excitedly to tell him all about the bake-off. He listens and smirks as Kale tells him what he thinks Marlow put in her cookies. They beg him to taste them and thankfully, Mike agrees. He even sits with them in front of the oven to watch them bake. Marlow plants herself on his lap, and the kids seem thrilled to have their dad involved.
I try my best to be happy Mike is actually doing something with them, but for some reason his presence puts a damper on my enthusiasm. I feel bad for it, but after all the ti
me he spends away, I’ve adjusted to my time with the kids to the point where I rarely, if ever, miss him at all. I know in my heart it’s wrong to feel that way, and I mentally berate myself for being so selfish and ungrateful.
The beep of the timer tells me the cookies are done.
Kale blindfolds his father as Mike takes a bite of Marlow’s, then Kale’s cookies.
“I can’t choose between them. These are the best cookies I’ve ever had,” Mike states honestly.
After everyone has their fill, Mike and the kids curl up on the couch to watch the newest Pixar film while I clean the kitchen. I long to be a part of it all and find myself feeling excluded and alone. I want Mike to tell me to just leave the dishes and join them, but he doesn’t, and I suddenly feel a desire for him to want me again. As much as I think the kids should clean up after themselves, I also know that they miss their father and need this time with him. So instead of complaining, I wash dishes and listen to their laughter and conversations from afar.
Kale wanders into the kitchen for a glass of milk, and just as I begin to have a small pity party for myself, I feel his arms hug me from behind. I sigh as I hold his hands in place around my waist and remind myself that I am not the one who has anything to prove—except maybe to myself.
Ten years earlier
I WATCH GWEN pace back and forth in the hall outside my room. Her long blond hair is tied into a ponytail, and it’s bobbing up and down as she stomps past my door. She’s been with me for the last five hours, and I know exactly what she’s trying to do in secret. She’s not very good at hiding her emotions, and right now, I actually think it’s possible she’s angrier than I am.
The pain comes and goes with intensity, although it never ends. I thought contractions were supposed to ease off, but for me they consistently feel like the worst gas pains I’ve ever had in my life. They started at eight this morning while I was in lab. I texted Mike the minute I started to feel sick. An hour later he texted back that it was probably something I ate that didn’t agree with me. I figured he was right since I wasn’t due for another three weeks and I knew most pregnancies usually went later than expected.
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