Gwen laughs. “No, he told me he hasn’t spoken to her in over fourteen years. He said he has no interest in ever seeing her again. She was toxic.”
I laugh lightly as I open the fridge and look for something I can eat that will make me complete. I immediately close the door when I realize how old habits die hard. I’ve lost twenty-five pounds and I have no interest in putting them back on. I still have twenty to lose before I get to where I want to be.
“I guess she was someone he met when he was stationed on the West Coast. He tried living there for a year after his service ended, but he hated it. Cooper wanted to move back home, but she wouldn’t leave. He tried to stay to make the marriage work, but after a year they just kept growing further and further apart. Coop said the divorce was best for both of them. So he moved home and that was the end.”
“I get that. I really do.”
“Yeah, I told him you and I were divorced too.”
“You told him?” My voice elevates more than I intended.
“It’s all I said. He wanted to know more, but he said he understood when I told him your story wasn’t mine to tell.”
I feel an immediate sense of relief. “Thanks. Sorry I freaked out,” I say somberly.
“It’s okay. I know you didn’t want him running off and telling Nick anything.”
The minute she says his name, I have to force myself to not think about him. It makes me angry with myself.
“So anyway, we ate dinner and talked.”
I smile to myself as I start a pot of coffee. Gwen sounds really happy, and when she’s happy, I can’t help but feel it too.
“It was nice. I had a nice time.”
I stop midway, reaching for a coffee mug. “Wait, that’s not the end, is it?”
“Pretty much.” She sighs.
“Well, how did he end up being the one to text me back?”
“Oh yeah, that’s right.” She laughs to herself as if it’s a funny story. I wait patiently.
“I had my phone sitting on the table and he kept staring at it. Cooper cut off a piece of steak and glanced up at me through the tops of his eyes as he pointed to it. He asked, ‘You waiting on a call?’ It made me laugh. He seemed concerned, so I told him I was hoping a hot guy would text me. He said I had a hot guy right in front of me. I rolled my eyes and he laughed. When you texted, I acted surprised and told Cooper a guy from work had sexted me a dick pic. Cooper seemed pissed. He grabbed my phone to look and saw it was a text from you. He shook his head at me and insisted he text you back. He was cute. He seemed relieved it was only you.”
“I bet he was…” I can’t help the playfulness in my tone. I can tell she likes him, even if she won’t admit it to me, much less herself.
“I was surprised by how easy it was to be around him. I thought I’d be nervous, but there’s something about him that’s so straightforward and uncomplicated. He just seems real. He made me feel like I could be myself.”
I lean my back on the kitchen counter and cross my legs at my ankles. “He sounds like he hasn’t changed much at all.”
“Well, he seems that way, but you and I both know people aren’t always what they appear to be. I told him I was reserving judgment on him because I didn’t trust him.”
“You said that?” My legs uncross and I touch my hand to my cheek.
“Yeah. He was fine with it. He said he understood. Anyway, after dinner we had coffee and talked about pretty much everything. He’s really funny. He had some great stories about pulling people over. He said he was glad I sped through his area on the night he was on call and he always thought I was sweet when he talked to me back in school. You texted me at the perfect time.”
“I did? What do you mean?”
“Things took on a serious tone and I didn’t know what to say. Once I got the text, I was able to play the sexting card. He begged to text you. I figured you wouldn’t mind, so I let him.”
“Yeah, it took me by surprise, but he was really sweet.”
“He is sweet in some ways, but cocky too. There’s something hardened about him that I can’t put my finger on. I don’t know if it’s age, time, or his military experience, but his eyes tell me he’s seen some stuff he wants to forget.”
I sigh. “Poor Cooper.”
“All night long I was calling him Coop the cop and Cooper the copper. He just laughed it off. He was a good sport. You know how I like to tease people.”
I chuckle to myself as I take a drink of my too-strong coffee. Ick. I cringe and pour it into the sink. “How did the night end?” I ask.
“He walked me to my car and hugged me. It was nice.”
“That’s it? Did he ask to see you again?”
“He might have mentioned it.”
“He did? That’s great! Right?” I wasn’t sure why her voice seemed so indifferent.
“It’s fine. I told him I was really busy with work, so…”
“You what?” I immediately frown.
“I’m just not interested in dating right now.”
My head falls back and I close my eyes. I’m so disappointed.
“He told me he doesn’t discourage very easily. It seemed like he liked the idea of a challenge,” she says with a laugh.
My hopes are restored and I can’t help but smile. “Good for him!”
“Where are you?” she asks hesitantly.
“I’m walking up the stairs to change out of my clothes. Why?”
“I’m going to tell you something, but you have to swear to me you won’t get mad before I tell you.”
I stop mid step and pause. “Gwen… what did you do?”
“Promise me.”
“I can’t. Just tell me what you did.”
“I won’t tell you unless you promise. So promise.”
“Dammit, Gwen!” I’m filled with dread. “Fine, I promise.”
“Cooper asked if he could give Nick your number and I said yes.”
“What?” I sit down in the middle of the stairs and try to breathe. “Why would you…? Why would he…?”
“Before you start freaking out, I need to tell you something. Nick’s never been married and he’s very much single.”
I can’t breathe. I don’t recognize the feeling in my chest. It’s not an ache, but it kind of feels like one. It’s not anger, but it’s definitely an emotion because I see red, then blue, then every other color before I realize what I’m feeling is something I don’t want to feel. It’s something I told myself I’d never let myself feel again. It’s hope.
One week later
YOU KNOW HOW when you’re waiting for a phone call or maybe a text, and you jump with every beep, every buzz, and every little ping? That’s me. I’m insane. Ever since Gwen told me she gave Cooper permission to give Nick my number, it’s all I can think about. A week has passed by and nothing. A week of my staring at the phone, sleeping with the phone, and even taking the phone to the bathroom with me. I’m not sure where my pride went, but I’m convinced I somehow turned back the hands of time to being a teenage girl again, waiting for a call, nervous, anxious, and giddy.
After a week of stressing, I realize I’m not sure how I feel about talking to Nick or if it’s even a good idea. After everything I’ve been through, the one thing I should know by now is that I need to trust my gut. Young Everly London had a good head on her shoulders. I should have trusted her instincts to get away from Mike when he said he didn’t want Kale and not married Mike when I felt the twist in my stomach at his crappy marriage proposal. She was right to have doubts, and I didn’t listen. As I revisit my thoughts, I become confident that young Everly was right about Nick Rowen too. I decide I’m glad he hasn’t called. It’s another sign.
The kids are at their dad’s tonight, and I’m drying my hair and getting ready for work. Tomorrow, I’ll finally move to the floor where I really want to be, Labor and Delivery. I know it seems odd that I would want to work there after losing my baby, but I want to be able to help other people the way Nurse
Patty helped me. Plus, I adore kids, and the happiness babies bring fills me up inside. Gwen works in Pediatrics and I know I’ll be seeing her from time to time when and if we ever work the same shift. She hates nights, but right now with the kids so young, it’s the best thing for all of us if I continue to work them.
My mind is focused on getting through my last night in oncology and I’m praying Mr. Orton gets some good news on his test results today, when my phone rings. I casually glance down to a number I don’t recognize. It doesn’t even faze me because my thoughts are preoccupied with work. I continue to dry my hair when my phone beeps to let me know I missed a call and have a message. I finish blow drying and styling my hair and start to apply my makeup. It’s too quiet. I miss the kids. I decide I need some noise, so I lift my phone to turn on my music. On my home screen I see the notification of the missed call and message. It’s probably another telemarketer. I press play and turn on speakerphone, resting my phone on the sink and pulling my eyeliner pencil to my eyelid.
I recognize his voice on the first consonant of the first word he says, and I drop my pencil into the sink.
“Hi, Everly. This is Nick Rowen.” I hear the smile in his voice and my knees lock. “I just got back into town and Cooper gave me your number. I’d really like to talk to you. I’d love to catch up and see what you’re up to these days. It’s been way too long. You sound just the same as I remember. Give me a call when you get a chance. Bye.”
I slide down to the floor and replay the message six times. The first two times I feel giddy with excitement. The third time I try to decide if his voice is deeper or if it’s the quality of sound on my phone. The fourth time I start to wonder what it meant when he seemed to sigh after saying Cooper gave him my number. By the fifth time I convince myself that Cooper probably told him I wanted him to call me. And by the sixth time I’m certain he felt pressured to call. He didn’t sound very enthusiastic. He probably felt like he had to call me out of guilt.
As I’m getting dressed, I imagine his face if he were to see me again. I’m sure he’d cringe in disgust and horror. I’ve had two kids, and my boobs aren’t what they used to be. Plus, I still have a faint scar from cesareans and the fat pouch over the scar seems like it will never go away. I’m not cute and perky anymore. My thighs are heavier and cellulite has invaded my ass. I’m old and used up. As soon as the thoughts invade my mind, I hear my inner voice yell “Negative Nancy” at me. How quickly I start to hate myself as soon as I imagine being in the presence of a man again. Have I always been this way? Have I always questioned myself, or did I let Mike do that to me? Did I let me do that to me?
I hear Grandma Kay’s voice in my head and I pull off my scrubs to stand naked in front of the mirror. I really look at myself. I still have long, dark brown hair that falls perfectly straight over my shoulders without my having to iron it. That’s a plus. I step back to get a better view of my legs. I’ve lost some weight, and I’m proud of the calf muscles running has given me. I may not be perfect, but I’m healthy and in pretty good shape. I have a lot to feel good about. As I pull on my scrubs and tie my hair into a ponytail, I smile at myself. I like me. I like me a lot.
More than the physical stuff, there’s the mental stuff too. I went back to school and became a nurse, and I work daily on being the best mom I possibly can. I know I’ll never be the best mom in the world, but I love my kids more than anything and I always try to put them first.
I stuff my phone into my back pocket and head down the stairs for work. The pluses and minuses have a dialogue within my head. I don’t know why I feel so insecure after all the progress I’ve made, but I don’t like all the self-doubt I feel at the sound of his voice. I never felt like I was enough for him, just like I didn’t feel I was enough for Mike. I think it’s easy to feel stronger until you’re put to the test to prove you are. I’m not sure I even know what to say to him. I need to think. I’ll call him back later. Maybe…
FALLING ASLEEP IS a lot harder than usual after my shift. I only sleep for a few hours before my alarm sounds, telling me I need to get it together. The kids will be home soon, and I have to work again tonight.
I force myself away from my soft pillow and tread wearily into the bathroom. I don’t feel very well, and I’m certain it’s because I didn’t get enough sleep. Then I figure out why. I just got my period. Damn. As soon as I see the blood, the familiar pangs of sadness invade my senses. She would have been born by now. I’d be changing diapers and kissing tiny little toes. My heart aches. I try to not let myself focus on being sad for too long. I take a quick shower to feel better and pop some ibuprofen for the sudden cramps. Awesome. My first night in Labor and Delivery and I have my period. Whoever said being a woman was lovely obviously didn’t have cramps at the time.
At 3:15 P.M. on the dot, the kids burst through the door. Their voices echo through the house and I have to smile to myself. I miss them when they’re gone.
“I’m hungry,” Kale announces, dropping his book bag and entering the kitchen.
“Well, hi yourself! How was school?”
“No homework,” he says with a grin.
Marlow sighs and also drops her bag to the floor. I have two pages of math.”
“Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Kale sings to annoy her.
“Shut up!” she shouts back.
“It’s addition problems. You poor wittle girl. It’s so hard,” Kale responds with a pouty face. I know he’s goading her to fight.
“It is hard! Stop being so mean!” Marlow yells.
“Kale, that’s enough. How about apple slices and peanut butter?” I ask them.
“That sounds good. Can I go out and play basketball?” Kale asks.
“I thought you wanted a snack.”
“I mean after.”
I nod my head. “Don’t forget, Grandma Kay is coming over tonight.”
“Are you going to take me to soccer tomorrow or is Daddy?” Marlow asks. Her brows crease with concern.
“Dad. Why?”
“I want you to take me.”
“Why?” I repeat.
“Dad just sits on his phone the whole time or he brings Krista and they stare at each other. He never watches me like you do.”
I feel guilt in my chest. Marlow always practices on nights Mike has the kids, and I have yet to be at a practice since the new season began two weeks ago. “I’m sorry, baby. I promise I’ll be at your first game this Saturday, okay?”
She sighs heavily and slumps into the chair at the kitchen table. I finish cutting apple slices and grab the peanut butter from the cabinet. I wonder if there’s more to her sadness. Kale seizes his apple and peanut butter from me and charges into the family room to grab the remote. “Eat at the coffee table, Kale, and please don’t feed Roscoe!”
He rolls his eyes, and although I want to say something, I let it go and refocus on Marlow. “What’s going on?” I ask as I sit down and slide her snack toward her.
She shrugs and bites into an apple.
“You had practice last night, right? Tell me all about it.”
Her lips curl up slightly. “Do you remember me telling you that sometimes Coach Dawson’s friend stops by to help out?”
I search my memory. Then I remember how she tried to do a fancy foot move in the foyer last week and I got mad she had the ball in the house. “Is he the one who taught you the ball-handling stuff?”
She smiles. “Yeah. He’s really cool. I practiced all week and I wanted to show him yesterday, but he couldn’t make it to practice.”
Her little eyes fall to her apples and I feel bad for her. She’s been working really hard on her moves. “Hey, after your snack, how about we go outside and kick the ball around a bit? I’d love to see what you can do.”
Her eyes brighten immediately then her shoulders fall again. “I have homework.”
I cringe and glance at the clock then to the clouds outside. It looks like it might rain. “How about this? Just this one time, we go outside for thirty minutes
then come back in to do homework.”
“Really?” She bounces in her seat.
“Yes, but you have to focus really hard when we come in. I have to make dinner and I work tonight, okay?”
As she shoves her last apple into her mouth and runs to get her shoes, I hear my phone vibrate on the counter. I reach to see who’s texting. It’s Gwen. She wants to know if I heard from Nick. My heart starts to race as Marlow charges into the kitchen. I completely forgot to call him back. I decide maybe I should just do it. What do I have to lose?
“Ready?” she asks.
I pause with my phone in my hand. I really want to hear his voice again. At least, I think I do.
“Mom?” she asks expectantly.
Kids first, I tell myself as I place it back onto the counter and happily skip with Marlow into our backyard.
MY FIRST NIGHT in Labor and Delivery is exciting and exhausting. I’m busy the entire night and I love every second of it. I call Gwen on my way home since I forgot to text her back. She asks again if I’ve heard from Nick. I explain that I was so busy at work, I forgot all about calling him, again. I’m secretly proud of myself. I have my priorities in line for the first time in my life. I don’t let a man dictate my actions.
I wonder if deep down inside I’m actually avoiding calling him. I’m not even convinced I want to. He brings out all these feelings in me and I’m so confused by what they mean. I haven’t allowed myself to feel this way in so long. I tell Gwen what he said in his message.
“So he was traveling and that’s why it took him so long to call? That makes perfect sense! See, I knew there was a reason he didn’t call right away!”
“It’s weird. The number he called from is a local number. I wonder if he’s in town.”
“Well shit, Ev. You’d better call him back! What if he is in town?”
“Why don’t you ask Cooper?”
“I haven’t spoken to him.”
“He hasn’t called you since the date?”
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