“You could say that.”
“But then you had to give up traveling?”
“I just travel less. I was in France when Cooper met with Gwen. It’s why I didn’t call you right away.”
“I suppose you’ve met a lot of wom… people during your travels?”
He stares at me blankly without saying a word. He’s suddenly very quiet, and I don’t know why. I lightly touch the rim of my glass with my finger and stare down at it. I’m not sure what to say. “Sounds like you’ve had a really great life, Nick.” I tilt my head gently as I say the words, but I don’t meet his gaze. The difference between our lives is staggering. He was in law school and traveling Europe while I was pushing out babies number one and two.
He reaches across the table and takes my hand. It surprises me, but I let him. His hand is strong but soft, and he holds mine firmly in his as if it now belongs to him. I stare at our hands for a moment, and as he pulls mine farther across the table to him, I lift my eyes to his.
“I missed you, Ever.”
I’m quiet for a moment while I examine the seriousness of his gorgeous hazel eyes. I’m not sure if it’s the wine or if it’s my newfound confidence, but I laugh.
He huffs and shakes his head. “You find that amusing?”
I haul my hand away from him, and my sudden movement shocks him.
“Did I say something wrong?” he asks. His brows furrow in concern.
“Do you know what I was doing while you were trotting the globe?”
Rodrick places some type of shellfish in front of me, and although I’m hungry, I realize I have no idea what it is or how to eat it. As soon as he’s gone, I stare at my food and feel tears threaten my eyes.
“Tell me,” he pleads sincerely.
I know he’s trying. Trying to do something. Maybe he’s just trying to show me everything I missed out on when I let him go. I was right. Maybe he does have something to prove to me. My life flashes before my eyes, and I wonder if I had stayed with him if he would have married me. If I would have traveled the world with him and been the sophisticated woman he is clearly used to. I stare down at my plate as my newfound knowledge invades my senses. “I don’t know what this is, Nick, and I don’t know how to eat it.”
He reaches to his plate and lifts one. “They’re clams. You just…”
“This isn’t me,” I tell him honestly.
“I’ll order you something else. It’s fine.” He lifts his hand to signal for Rodrick, and I stop him.
“No! That’s not what I mean. What I mean is all this.” I gesture around the room and sigh. I can feel tears in my eyes, and I have the urge to run. “I’m not sure why you asked me here. Maybe it was to take me out for a nice meal, maybe it was to show off how worldly you are, or maybe it was to just let me know what I missed out on when I broke up with you. I get it, Nick. I really do. I messed up. You’re obviously very successful, well spoken, and hotter than hell.”
I take another sip of wine and glance at his face, waiting for some kind of cocky response to the hot comment. Instead I’m met with furrowed brows and a worried expression. I continue, “But this isn’t me. While you were out exploring the world, I was fat, pregnant, and alone, living in my in-laws’ basement and eating frozen dinners.”
“Ever, I…”
“And while you were eating at expensive restaurants and dating classy women, I was grocery shopping in my yoga pants and feeling like a loser.”
“Will you please let me say something?”
The tears are about to flood the dam. “So, yeah, I understand. Your life is amazing next to mine. But you know what? I have two fantastic kids that I love with all my heart, and I worked my ass off to finish school after the divorce. I may have never left this state, and I certainly haven’t developed a taste for expensive, crappy dry wine, but I’m happy with my life and with me.” I push myself away from the table and stumble when I try to stand on Gwen’s heels.
Nick leaps up after me, but I deftly remove my shoes and rush away from him and out of the restaurant. The cool air hits me like a punch in the face. I reach into my purse for my valet ticket and accidentally drop everything on the ground. The valet speeds toward me to help, and I can feel eyes full of pity searing into my skin from every angle. As I bend down to grasp my lipstick, wallet, and a stray tampon, I feel a hand gently touch my back.
“Please, don’t leave,” Nick begs as he places my items into my purse and hands it back to me. “Go for a drive with me? Please give me a chance to explain.”
I find my valet ticket and Nick helps me stand. The attendant shifts attentively in front of us, not knowing what to do. I have this pounding in my head that makes me want to run. I hear my grandmother’s words and I pivot to face Nick, trying to focus on him through blurry eyes.
“Don’t leave. Please. Come with me? Try to trust me, if that’s possible.”
His eyes are burning into mine, awaiting my response. I simply nod, and he seems to sigh in relief. He hands the attendant his ticket and notices me shiver from the cold. He removes his jacket and places it over my shoulders. I’m hit with the smell of him, and it makes my knees feel weak. It’s familiar and comforting. As his black SUV is brought around, he opens the door and ushers me into the passenger seat. He hurries around the car, still holding my heels, and hands the driver what I can only assume is a very generous tip.
He immediately turns up the heat and glances into traffic to pull out.
“Seat belt, please,” I mumble.
He pauses and turns to me as if my simple words are magic to his ears. He smirks and clicks his belt into place. I wonder if he remembers how I used to yell at him for not wearing it when we dated in school.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“I should be thanking you. I don’t know why I always forget.”
“I meant thank you for coming after me.”
His lips press into a fine line, and I rest my head back onto his leather seat to avoid his gaze. The entire car smells like him, and it’s a little overwhelming. I lift my hand to wipe my nose, and he produces a handkerchief from his suit pocket.
“Always the gentleman,” I mumble.
“I wish that were true,” he states matter-of-factly.
“Where are we going?”
“Anywhere you want.” After a few minutes of driving and silence between us, he asks, “Do you mind if I pull over so I can look at you?”
I nod my head, and within a minute we’re in the parking lot of a business center.
He unbuckles his seat belt and turns to face me. I’m holding the cloth in my hands and running my fingers over the soft fabric. He eyes it quizzically, so I explain. “It’s too fancy. I don’t want to wipe my eyes and ruin it.”
“It’s nothing, Ever. Please…”
He seizes it from my hand and tenderly presses it to the skin under my eyes. He wipes gently as his left hand cups my face and turns it toward him. He’s so careful and loving that the act itself is probably the nicest thing any man has ever done for me. I find my head leaning into his hand, and he sighs heavily as he inches closer to me. He leans his forehead against mine.
I glance up to see his pained eyes. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you in the restaurant.”
He tears his forehead from mine while still holding my head in his hands. “You could never, Ever.”
“Never ever?” I question with a giggle, and his responding smile, my smile, fills me up inside. All my emotions and needs boil to the surface. He’s so close, and his touch… and his eyes with the slight crow’s feet in the corners, along with his cologne… It’s Nick. He’s here and I’m lost in him.
I lean my head forward, and without giving it another thought, I press my lips to his. His lips are soft and warm. In an instant I’m transported through time, and I’m back on the front step of my parents’ house, where he’s kissing me for the first time. It’s all that, but somehow more.
He doesn’t pull away.
As soon as my lips touch his, he draws me in closer and kisses me tenderly. He pauses for a second as if he’s attempting to breathe. Then he deepens the kiss. I feel his tongue slide along mine as his lips tighten. He caresses my lips with his.
He moans softly as he continues to explore my mouth. His hand moves to the back of my head, and mine lifts to his neck. His tongue invades my mouth as if he’s having a meal he never thought he’d taste again. I know because I feel the same way.
My body responds to his kiss, and I can’t deny how much I long to feel his touch. It’s been so long since he held me in his arms, since I felt this way with any man. Being with him, like this, reminds me of how safe I felt when we were together. I was never afraid with him, and I always felt wanted. The memories cause an ache in my chest. But the ache doesn’t hurt, it longs for more.
He kisses my lips softly and then presses his cheek against mine. “You…” he whispers softly.
“Me?” I question.
He gazes into my eyes and then turns abruptly to stare out the window. “Nick?” I question. “What’s wrong?”
He rotates and faces the steering wheel. His eyes narrow as he stares off into space. “At the soccer game, you said that you thought you weren’t enough for me.” He glances toward me. “What did you mean by that?”
I sigh heavily and my head drops. This talk is long overdue. I need to explain how I felt back then and also what I feel right now. Somehow the words just come to me, probably because I’ve rehearsed over a hundred times what I would say to him if I ever had the chance. “When we were together, I always felt like I couldn’t give you what you needed. What you wanted most from me.”
“Sex?” he questions with pain in his voice.
I nod my head. “I wasn’t ready to move forward and I felt like I was holding you back. It was all we would talk about. When we were together, it was all you wanted to do. I started to feel like I was just a conquest.”
“That’s not true. You were way more than that. Why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you tell me how I made you feel?”
“I tried. But I’d call you at school and there would always be some girl in the background. I felt like you were cheating on me and it hurt.”
He faces me and takes my hand in his. “I swear to you on my life that I never cheated on you. Never. Not once. I never wanted anyone but you. You were everything to me. You could have been my everything.”
The “could have” makes me want to cry. I’m back to my suspicion that he needs to tell me what I missed out on by not staying with him, and it causes me physical pain. I remove my hand from his.
“Don’t,” he says as his chin juts forward. “What did I say?”
I take a deep breath to calm myself. I don’t want to cry again. “Nothing. It’s fine.”
“No, it isn’t, because just a second ago I was holding your hand and now I’m not. You did the same thing in the restaurant.”
“It’s nothing, okay?”
His fist pounds into the dash. “It’s not okay, Ever. You need to talk to me. For once in your life just tell me how you really feel!”
“I did tell you! I’m not meant for you. It’s clear.”
“Is that what you really think?”
“Yes,” I respond.
“You don’t want to be with me?” He winces as if he’s just been delivered a major blow.
“That’s not what I said.”
He sighs and turns away. His fingers cover his lips and I search for the right words to make him understand why I walked away from him and from us. “You’ve always had this power over me, Nick. Don’t you see? I loved you. I loved you more than anything, but I never felt like I was good enough for you.”
“I wasn’t good enough for you. I loved you, Ever. When you left me, you destroyed me.”
“I did?” I hush.
“You hurt me. I thought we were forever, and then one day it was just over. You said you were letting me go so I could find what I was looking for, but I didn’t understand. You wouldn’t return my calls or my letters. I thought of flying out to talk to you, but Cooper told me you said you never wanted to see me again.”
His voice cracks with the last two words, and my heart breaks. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I whisper painfully. It’s the truth.
“You were more than enough for me. I’m sorry I pushed you so hard. I’m sorry I made you feel that you weren’t. I don’t have an excuse. It was dumb male hormones. I thought with my dick more than my brain. But I loved you. You have to know that.”
My heart aches for my twenty-one-year-old Nick. I want to turn back the clock and make him understand. But mostly, I want him to make me believe. “In my head I knew you cared, but my heart thought it was all about the sex.”
“I told you I’d wait and I meant it.”
“It was too much pressure.”
Nick nods and gazes out the window again. “I’m sorry, Ever.” He shakes his head as his brows lower, and he rubs his hands over the wheel. “I’m sorry that I caused you pain. All these years I felt like you were the one who crushed me, but now I know. I was just as much to blame for our breakup, if not more. I didn’t just hurt you, I broke you.”
“No, Nick. It wasn’t you. It was me. I ran. I was afraid and I ran. You were right.”
“I was right?” His lips curl upward slightly, and I can’t help but return his expression. “We were both wrong. Deal?”
“Well, maybe you a little more,” I say jokingly as I pinch my fingers together to give him a visual. He laughs and the sound warms my heart.
“Will you come back to my place for a bit so we can talk?”
“What about my car? I have to work tomorrow night.”
“Tomorrow’s Sunday.”
I nod my head. “People have babies and need nurses on Sundays too.”
He smiles. “Have babies?”
“I work in Labor and Delivery.”
“I see. Is that where you want to be?”
I babble on and on about how much I love taking care of people and what a dream it is for me to finally be a nurse. He listens attentively. I’m so comfortable with him that I tell him about my parents and about the baby I lost. His compassion for me and his genuine concern lift me up inside. It’s more than I could have hoped for. He seems to really care about what I have to say and it’s a new experience for me.
I glance up to his dash and realize how long I’ve been talking. “Oh my gosh… why didn’t you stop me? I’ve been yakking for over an hour.”
“I want to know about you. I want to hear everything I’ve missed.”
“Why?” I question with a huff. “My life is boring compared to yours.”
“There you go again.” He shakes his head. “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me either. Come home with me? Let me correct your misconceptions. Give me a chance to explain.”
“Are you asking me for a sleepover?” I giggle.
“I wouldn’t say no if you were offering, but I’ve also learned my lesson and I’m in no rush. Look at me,” he demands. “I’m in no rush. Do you believe me?”
“I do believe you, but my car... I need to get the kids in the morning.”
“This is a serious issue for you, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” I retort in complete honesty.
“Do you trust me?”
As I stare into his hazel eyes, I realize that I really do. I nod and he pulls out his phone.
“Your address, please.”
“1107 Stonebridge Drive.”
“Thank you.” He pushes a button on his phone. “Hi, Patrice, it’s Nick Rowen. May I speak with Frank? It’s important.” He pauses and winks at me. I start to consider what it would be like to spend the night with him, and my insides turn to mush.
“Frank, I need a favor. You have a ticket for a minivan, number…” He reaches into my purse and pulls out the stub. “…443. I need that car locked with the keys under the front doormat at 1107 Stonebridge Drive by the e
nd of the evening. Can you manage it? Perfect. I’ll stop in to see you tomorrow.”
He presses end and hands my purse back to me.
“Do people always do what you ask them to?” I question with a smirk.
“Everyone but you.”
“Ask me something, then.”
My smile appears on his face, and I know what my answer will be before he asks the question. “Yes,” I say. “Whatever it is, my answer is yes.”
HE DRIVES ME through downtown and points out the enormous building where he works. He lives not much farther away in a high-rise. He’s on the twenty-seventh floor. After a tension-filled ride in the elevator, mostly due to his proximity and my nervousness, we make our way to his condo. He stills with his key in the door and angles to face me. “Just remember that I’m a bachelor.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I question as a slow smile builds on my face.
He opens the door to an expansive room. Expansive and nearly empty. The floors are a dark brownish-black hard wood of some kind, and the walls are beige and barren. I step into the entry, still holding his jacket on my shoulders. It’s warm inside, so I consider removing it, but I like having something of his against my skin, so I don’t.
He flips on a light or two and we stroll toward the kitchen. My eyes linger longingly at his top-of-the-line stainless steel appliances. I tell myself that someday I’ll be able to afford them, but I know that’ll really never happen.
The counters are empty. There are a few papers and a laptop on the breakfast bar. I turn to the left and see a lone dark grey couch and a gigantic flat screen on the wall. Nothing else.
“Did you just move in?” I ask, gesturing around the room.
His head tilts to the side. “Nope,” he says, popping the p. “Been here for three years.”
“I see you do a lot of entertaining.” I motion toward the empty dining room.
He smirks. “Yep. Dinner parties every weekend. Want to the see the rest of the empty space?” he asks.
“Yeah. Show me.”
He walks me into the bedroom. He has a large bed and a nightstand, but that’s it. The bathroom smells of him, and there are a few items on the sink, but not many.
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