“Knew what?” I ask in wide eyed wonderment.
“That he was the one.” She softly says.
I frown hard. “What...just by looking at him?” I ask.
“Well...yes darling. Goodness me, you must know about Soul-Mates?”
“What?” Now I’m confused!
Gladys chuckles again. “A Soul-Mate is something much stronger, more profound than good old regular love,” she says her eyes beaming brightly.
“It is?” I ask incredulously.
“Yes,” she smiles.
“So how are you meant to, you know...know that you’ve met your Soul-Mate?” I ask as effortlessly as I can, I don’t want to give anything away about Tristan. But I see Gladys’s eyes narrow slightly.
“Have you met someone Coral?” She asks shrewdly.
I venomously shake my head. “No, you’d be the first to know if I had.” I say, laughing a little to trying to hide the lie. Gladys stays silent and continues to look at me dubiously. “Will you tell me?” I prompt, trying to get her to stop looking at me like that.
Finally she smiles and sits back down in her chair.
“Well it’s not really the person’s physical body you’re drawn to, or the way they look. It’s far deeper than that. It’s something that you feel deep within you that you can't get away from even if you tried, and that’s because it’s their soul that you’ve instantly fallen in love with. Not their body, their mind, or their personality,” Gladys takes a breath. “It’s something much more...what’s the word? – “Earth shattering?” I pipe up knowing exactly how that feels, and also feeling nauseous with it. What if Tristan is the one, my soul-mate, and I’m his? I quickly brush the thought away. I haven’t got long left, and I came here for different reasons.
Gladys laughs loudly at my version. “Sure you don’t want a drink darling?”
“Ok, lemonade please.” I say hoping she has a homemade batch left.
“Ok, darling, coming right up.” She says patting my knee. I follow Gladys into the kitchen, ignoring the food that’s scattered all over the kitchen table. I dread to think what they were doing with it.
“So what are you guys going to do? Are you moving in with him or him with you?” I ask, praying she’ll say she’s staying here.
“Ah, that’s something I wanted to talk to you about. I was going to come and see you, but now you’re here,” she says passing my lemonade to me. “I can tell you now. Malcolm doesn’t really like Brighton darling, he prefers Devon or Cornwall.” I nod as I listen, both are cool and definitely more for the non-party type people. “And to be honest darling, I have wanted to move out of Brighton for a while now.” She adds. I remember Gladys begging me to let her sell the house when I was ready to buy, but I just thought she was doing that to get me a bigger deposit, a nicer place. Not because she wanted out herself?
“Then why haven’t you?” I ask.
“Because of you darling, I don’t want to leave you all on your own.” She says, her eyes glistening over again.
“Oh Gladys!” I hug her hard. “That’s so daft,” I say. “I’m not on my own, I have Rob and Carlos and Joyce, and Debs isn’t too far away either. Worthing isn’t the other side of the world; it’s forty minutes in the car.” I laugh trying to make her feel better.
“That’s not what I meant.” She says. And I know its coming! “I hate that you’re on your own darling, I worry about you all the time. I don’t have to worry about Debbie at all, she’s happily settled with a family of her own. But I can't relax and retire and do all the things I want to do, because I’d be worrying all the time about whether you’re ok.”
I sit down, Gladys does the same, and take a long drink of my lemonade, I need a lubricated throat for this, when I’m done I put the glass on the table and get to my feet.
“Gladys!” I shout making her jump in her seat, her eyes widen with shock. “I am so effing furious with you right now. I cannot believe you have been holding yourself back because of me! To be quite honest I think it’s bloody ridiculous!”
“Coral!” Gladys shouts back, her voice wobbling. She’s always hated swearing.
“No, I’m serious. I’m not a kid anymore I don’t need you to babysit me. I am a grown woman living her own life and I think it’s about time you did the same, don’t you?” I sigh heavily rubbing my fingers across my forehead, trying to push the headache away that’s forming. “Gladys please, you don’t need to keep this house. You don’t need to stay in Brighton. I think you’ve done enough for me already, don’t you? And if you want to go with Malcolm to Devon or Cornwall, or wherever,” I shout throwing my hands up in the air. “It’s fine by me, in fact it would make me extremely happy to know that you’re happily living where you want to be, doing what you want to be doing. You could be cruising the world for all I care, as long as you’re happy.” I sit back down in my chair.
Feeling a little calmer, I take her hand in mine. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to shout at you, but I had no idea you felt like that, and I guess in a way I am clingy to you, but that’s just because I don’t want to lose you and because I love you so very much. You saved me in more ways than you will ever know. And I will miss you every day, it’ll be really strange not being able to just pop round, but there’s always Skype.” I say smiling broadly, swallowing hard against my tightening throat. She shakes her head, not understanding. I knew she wouldn’t have a clue – Gladys is definitely non-techno. “It’s like making a phone call, except it’s on video, you can see the person you’re calling.”
Her eyes light up. “Oh, that’s wonderful dear I can skip you every day.” She beams.
I chuckle hard at that one. “Skype.” I reiterate laughing hard.
“You’re taking this all too well Coral. I know you don’t like change.” She says watching me, assessing me.
I shrug my shoulders at her. “It’s inevitable.” I answer morosely. This is the second shock in as many days, I think I’m beginning to get the hang of what change is like. “Speaking of change how is Joyce?” I ask.
“Oh you know darling, she’s sad, very sad in fact.”
“Are you sure that selling up is what she really wants to do?”
“I’ll tell you a secret,” Gladys whispers and I lean in closer. “John wrote her a letter.”
“Really?” I squeak.
“Yes, not long after they married, he had it secured with their wills.” I wait with bated breath for Gladys to continue, when she doesn’t I’m practically bouncing in my seat with anticipation.
“So what did it say?” I ask.
Gladys frowns, her eyes filling with tears again. “John told her if anything should happen to him, to their life together, she was to completely restart it. Move country if she wanted to, to sell everything, their belongings, their home...of course, he didn’t know at the time they would have a successful business together,” Gladys pauses for a moment. “He said he didn’t want her living her life in the past, regretting his death, spending too long mourning him. That life was for living and she was to pick herself up and move on.” I can't help feeling like its getting rid of the person as though they never existed.
“And she’s honouring his letter.” I say, thinking how sad the whole situation is. John was such a lovely man. Why does it always seem it’s the good ones that die young?
“Yes,” Gladys sighs heavily. “I know your scared about being with someone Coral, but don’t waste too much time on that. Life really is for living.”
“And relationships are not the be all and end all of life.” I retort, wanting to get off the subject.
“Are you sure you haven’t met anybody?” Gladys asks her eyes narrowing again.
“No.” I bark – Time to leave before she really gets suspicious. Picking up my handbag I find my mobile and call a taxi to take me to George’s. I know I won’t make it on time by foot.
“Coral let Malcolm take you.” Gladys says.
“No.” I hiss. I don’t want him taking me
to see my shrink for god’s sake! “So will Joyce be back in tomorrow?” I ask changing the subject.
“As far as I know she will.”
I kiss Gladys on the cheek. “I’m really glad you’ve found someone.” I say, hugging her again.
“Me too,” she chortles. We walk arm in arm down the hallway to the front door. “Malcolm and I want to take you out for tea, so you two can get to know each other a little more. And we can tell you our wedding plans.” Jeez they haven’t wasted any time!
“Ok, how about tomorrow?” I know I don’t have anything on.
“Marvellous, we’ll pick you up.” She beams.
“Ok.” I force my lips into a smile and kiss her again. “Bye Malcolm,” I shout up the stairs.
“Bye Coral,” I hear his voice shout down to me. “Nice to have met you,” he adds. I smile feeling embarrassed again and head out the door. Stepping into the taxi, I wave at Gladys as it pulls away and try not to fall apart...
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I’M SAT IN GEORGE’S OFFICE, staring blankly out of the window. I can't believe Gladys has met someone. I can't believe she’s getting married. I can't believe she didn’t tell me any of this – I think I’m in shock.
“Coral, where are you?” George asks pulling me from my musing.
“Sorry.” I mumble apologetically.
“Care to share what’s on your mind?” He asks. I look up at George, his green eyes are bright, his smile is warm, his cheeks a rosy red – I’m taken back for a moment to when I first met him. I thought I was staring at Father Christmas with his crisp white hair and beard, and his big round belly. It was not long after what happened two years ago that I knew I needed help, that I needed to get it out, tell somebody.
I spent weeks meeting lots of therapist and not clicking with any of them, then one night I drunkenly told Rob and Carlos about my search. George’s partner Phil is a good friend of Carlos’s and he asked if George would take me on.
I was gutted when I was told he had recently retired, but I didn’t give in. Knowing full well that I feel more comfortable with gay men than I do with straight men, I got it into my head that he would be perfect for me and when I casually met him (of course all arranged purposely by Carlos) I begged him to take me on.
Initially he said no, so I begged and begged again until I got so annoying that he finally relented. I am his only client and to see him I have to get to their house on Wilson Avenue, and walk through their home to his little office. I always feel very privileged that he is doing this for me.
“Coral?” He repeats.
“Um...sorry, so much has happened this week. I don’t know where to begin.”
George smiles warmly at me. “I always find the beginning is a good place to start.” He states, handing me a cup of tea.
“Thank you.” I take a sip and place it on the coffee table in front of me. “The beginning…” I sigh heavily and begin to reel everything off. Joyce selling, meeting Tristan, how I feel about that, spending time with him. Our openness to one another about how we feel. I tell him I’m worried about Rob and Carlos, I don’t think I could take it if they split; they are my role models that people actually do stick together. And then of course, I tell him about Gladys meeting Malcolm, and the fact that they are getting hitched and buggering off.
“That’s a lot to contend with in one week.” George clarifies.
I nod in agreement.
“Ok, well let’s start with Joyce selling. You’ve been advised your position is safe. Do you feel that it is?”
“Yes...No...I don’t know, maybe if I hadn’t met Tristan I would say yes...” I say. Scowling at the floor.
“Coral it was going to happen at some point in your life.” George says.
“What was?” I ask.
“Falling in love,” he says, chuckling slightly.
I shake my head at him, frowning deeply. “I’m not in love,” I tell him sternly.
“Really?” He says in surprise, his eyebrows rising.
“Yes.” I whisper.
“Let’s discuss. Tell me how you feel about Tristan?”
“There’s nothing to say.” I bark back at him, crossing my arms in defiance.
“Then why are you being so defensive?” He aptly says.
“I can't let him in.” I snap.
“Why?” George asks.
“You know why.” I bite back, then instantly regret it. “Sorry.”
“Coral, I’ve never seen you like this.” George says frowning deeply at me.
I sigh heavily. “George, I...I’m not denying there’s something huge there. I know there is...but I’m just...I’m not capable of having a relationship. I didn’t even have one with Justin.” I swallow hard. “Besides, he’s about to be my new boss, that makes for a very imbalanced, tricky, sticky mess that I don’t want to get into.”
“So if he wasn’t your boss, would you date him?”
I hadn’t thought of that one. “I guess so...if we took it slow...I mean really, really slow...” A fleeting thought of that night two years ago comes unbidden into my mind’s eye. I close my eyes for a second and clench my fists.
“Coral, replace the image.” George tells me.
I take a deep breath and think of a funny moment in ice-age. I have a thing about animated movies. George tells me it’s my lost youth, that my innocence was taken away from me at such a young age. That it’s kind of like I’m re-living it, my childhood – I think I’m warped and twisted. George tells me I’m not at all, just trying to heal the wounds of my past and that’s what he’s here to help me to do, to help me live my life to the best of my abilities and to enjoy it.
“Coral, what happened?” George asks his tone full of concern.
“I thought of Tristan...being intimate with him.” I mutter.
“Sexually?” He questions. If I blushed I swear I would be scarlet by now.
“Yes.” I whisper feeling embarrassed.
“And how did that make you feel?” He asks.
“I don’t know if I can?” I answer.
“Justin was a long time ago Coral.” He reminds me.
“I know.” George crosses his legs, and as I look up I see he is deep in thought.
“Coral from what you’ve told me, this man sounds safe, reliable, trustworthy and above all an honest gentleman. He is nothing like Justin.” I nod knowing he’s right then shake my head in confusion.
“I feel like I’m losing a little of myself when I’m around him.” I say.
“That’s what happens when two people come together and they click so well, you don’t really lose yourself. You just become about the two of you, rather than the self.” His words make sense, yet it means I lose some sense of control over myself, my life.
“I feel like I’m losing control.” I tell him.
“Coral, we’ve discussed this, control is an illusion. An illusion that yes, makes you feel as though you have control of everything that happens around you, but you don’t, not really. The universe does all that for you. For instance, did you expect Joyce to sell?”
“No.” I gripe.
“To meet Tristan?”
“No.” I choke sarcastically.
“For Gladys to tell you she is leaving and getting married?” This could go on forever. What’s his point?
“No.” I grumble.
“Control is an illusion.” He reiterates.
“So what am I supposed to do?” I ask sharply. A lump forms in my throat again. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like I could cry again?
“Explore it Coral. Change happens whether we like it or not, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad. Life is yin-yang, for every high there has to be a low. All I am saying is try to be brave, and find the courage to put your heart out there and give this man a chance. He could be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.” Ok, that sounds like Rob!
“But what if I can't? What if we date, and we, you know…the inevitable start to happen and I freak out
? He’s going to think I’m crazy and I’ll never see him again...and I,” I grit my teeth, close my eyes and push back the tears. “I don’t know how to be intimate with someone...I...I just don’t know how to do it.” I croak.
“Dear girl,” George shakes his head at me. “How many times have I said to you that you worry far too much about future events that haven’t even happened yet?”
“I know,” I croak again. “Rob’s always telling me that too.”
“Ok, well let’s just take a moment. Have you considered talking to Tristan?”
I look up at him in confusion. “How do you mean?”
“I mean having a heart to heart with him, telling him about your past experiences, what happened with Justin.”
“No. Why would I want to tell him that? It’s private.” I tell him.
“Yes, it is very personal to you I know that. But maybe if he knew you intimately, he could make compensations, compromises, take it slow with you. And he would understand more, I’m sure of that.”
“I don’t think I can do that...it’s...he’ll think I’m a freak, I’ll never see him again.” I say.
“Somehow, I truly doubt that. And will you please stop referring to yourself as a freak Coral, you are anything but. You’re a bright young woman with so much to offer. Open your eyes and see yourself Coral, as others do.” He commands. “Or if you prefer, with your permission of course, I could run through some details with Tristan on your behalf. I know you don’t like to talk about your past, and reliving it is no good for anyone. Does that idea appeal?”
I shrug not really knowing what to say to that.
“Well think about it and let me know.” I nod feeling a little squeamish. Do I really want Tristan to know my sordid past?
“I’m really confused,” I say. “On the one hand I really like him, more than like him and that’s what’s making it feel even more confusing. I don’t see how I can feel so attracted to him, so safe around him, so....” I stop before I say in-love; after all I just denied it to the good doctor. “I’ve only just met him,” I continue. “And I feel really weird around him, even when I only think about him for a split second, my heart hammers against my chest and I feel this weird sickly butterfly feeling in my stomach, and a really weird ache between my chest and my abdomen. I’m off my food for god’s sake and I always eat!”
CORAL (A Romance Trilogy, Book 1) Page 19
