Ordering a taxi, I pick up my handbag, my overnight bag, the quilt and the bedcovers and struggle down the hallway…
AS I REACH GEORGE’S HOUSE, I take a deep steadying breath and knock on the door.
Phil answers it, as usual. “Hi Coral,” he beams, he’s got the phone in his hand. “No, he didn’t,” he gasps. He’s such a gossip!
“Hey Phil,” I drag my feet into the hallway and plonk the quilt, bedcovers and my bags on the floor.
“He won't be long, make yourself comfortable,” Phil says, covering the handset.
“Ok.” I walk through the hallway, past the open plan kitchen-dining area, turn left and walk into George’s study. The room is empty, and for a fleeting second I think about opening up his notepad to see what he’s written about me.
“And how are we this evening?” George says as he enters the room, making me jump, again!
“I’ll be fine once I’ve got over the heart attack.” I say with sarcasm, and sit on the sofa. George chuckles at me, sits in his chair, takes out his notepad and waits patiently for me to start.
“How do people do it?” I muse.
“Do what?” George asks looking up over his specs.
“Get over the person they love that has died. Joyce seems as though she’s coping so well, but I don’t see how...if I lost Tristan, I don’t think I’d cope at all...” I say shaking my head.
“Time is a healer,” George tells me.
“That maybe so George but what about day to day stuff, just getting up’ –“Coral,” George holds his finger up to me, I stop talking. “Remember we have talked about this, worrying about future events that may or may not happen is a complete waste of time. Besides, for all you know you both could lead a very happy, healthy long life together. Try to concentrate on that.” I relax a little, my shoulders coming down from my ears. “Better?” He asks.
“Yeah,” I take a deep breath.
“Good, now several things to go through tonight. Firstly I’d like to know if you found any difference in yourself this week. Do you think the Hypnotherapy has helped?”
I nod and smile. “How?” He asks taking notes again.
“Well...when I got home I tried on a skirt and I didn’t freak out!” I beam.
“Really, that interesting…So, no palpitations, heavy breathing, hot or cold flushes?” I shake my head to each question. “That’s wonderful,” George beams.
“There was one thing though, I may not have got any of the emotions that go with it, but I got an image.” I say darkly.
“Go on.” George urges.
“Him,” I whisper. George looks confused - How is he not getting this? “The guy....you know, the first time I was abused, him,” I say in a rush.
George takes more notes. “Has that happened before?” he asks.
“No, I just used to get the feeling before,” I say twiddling my fingers in my lap.
“This could be a long process Coral, it’s not an overnight cure.”
“I know,” I answer. “George I’m doing what you tell me to do, I’m really pleased so far and I’m really eager to keep going.”
“Good.” George closes his pad and crosses his legs. “Have you noticed anything else, any other subtle changes?” I narrow my eyes at him.
“Why, what else did she do? I thought we were just working on the dresses?” I say in a panic.
“We did, but having Hypnotherapy can help in other areas too Coral, without it being a conscious effort.”
“Oh! Well...I’m less anxious I guess, but I’m not sure if that’s Hypnotherapy or....” I break off I don’t really want George to know how bad I’ve got it for Tristan. He’s all I can think about.
“Or Tristan?” he smiles. I shake my head and laugh. “It’s good to see you smiling Coral.” George says grinning widely.
“It feels good.” I tell him then frown.
“Let’s discuss.” He adds.
“Tristan’s...well wonderful. He’s good for me, almost too perfect really. But I’ve felt really up and down since he left. One minute I’m smiling because I’m happy, you know, he’s great, I’m in love and the next minute…I just feel like it’s too heavy, too quick. He wants so much, I know he wants me to move in with him, he wants marriage; and I know he wants answers. He wants to know what happened to me and I don’t think I’m ready for that, for any of it.” George nods as he makes more notes finally he stops and looks up at me.
“Coral, love can feel very scary. We govern more with our hearts than our minds, so when our head interjects, we think of all the reasons why we shouldn’t, why we should hold back, or even end the relationship. Is that what you want, to end it?”
I shake my head, then I shrug.
“Alright, well as for moving in and marriage, from what you’ve told me Tristan is ready for that. But I know you’re not, so as we discussed on Tuesday, take it at your own pace and tell him how you feel. You’ve already revealed more to him than you have to any other person. Have you actually told him that?” I think about it for a moment.
“No, I don’t think I have, it just kind of came up in conversation,” I tell him.
“Well maybe a little nudge in that direction,” George smiles. “Now, we spent all our session on Tuesday talking about Tristan,” he says a little disapprovingly. “I’d like to go through other aspects of your life tonight.”
I shrug nonchalantly.
“Work?”
“Fine.” I answer simply.
“Elaborate please Coral,” George replies, his tone full of sarcasm.
I hide my smile. “There’s not really much to say, I was working from home as you know. I went back in Wednesday, everything was normal. Susannah’s coming next week to train me.” Ugh! Leggy Blonde – so not looking forward to that!
“So you’re no longer feeling anxious about working with your new boss?”
“Tristan’s assured me no-one will know about us. And as far as the office goes, he’s my boss and he’ll hardly be there.” I answer my hands flying up.
“So you’ll be seeing less of him?” George frowns.
“No what I mean is...Tristan has said that he will work from home so...” I shake my head and laugh. “Sounds silly doesn’t it,” I add feeling awkward.
“No it doesn’t, please continue.” George is furiously making notes again. I wish I could see what he writes down.
“Tristan....well, when he lost his folks he worked a lot from home, he said it sort of stuck and he realised he wasn’t needed in the office as much as he thought he was. He has really great people in place to do most of the work for him.”
“And you’re comfortable with that?”
“Of course, I get to keep my job and Tristan has said he will work more from his Brighton home, so I get to see him weeknights too.”
“Good. Gladys and Debbie?” Crap!
“What about them?” I snipe still reeling from their dishonesty.
“Have you spoken to either of them?”
“No, I plan to do it this weekend.” I tell him sombrely.
“Still convinced they are holding something back?”
“Yes.” I state firmly.
“Alright, tread carefully Coral. You know how protective Gladys is about you. I’m sure that if she is holding something back, it’s in your best interest.”
I raise my eyebrows at that. “Whose side are you on?” I grumble.
“No one’s Coral. I really do hope you’re wrong, and there is no big conspiracy.” George eyes me speculatively.
“Sorry George,” I sigh feeling guilty.
“No need. Rob and Carlos?” he adds. My eyes instantly fill with unshed tears – God damn it!
“I hate that he won’t tell me what’s going on and has gone off leaving me in the lurch,” I sniff, George hands me the box of tissues.
“Thinking the worst again,” George scolds.
“You would be too if you heard him.” I tremble. “I’ve never heard him like that. He sounded
as though…as though he was in shock, like something really bad happened to him.”
“Let’s discuss.” I sigh heavily and blow my nose. “Even if something terrible has happened, what difference do you think you can make?” George asks.
“I don’t know,” I say feeling angry at that question. “Rob’s my best friend. He’s helped me out and been there for me when I’ve been sad, lonely or just a bit down, he’s always been there,” I stare out the window. “I just want to know he’s ok, and if he’s not, I want to be there for him. Is that such a crime?” I blurt.
“No, but getting yourself into a frenzy about it is. Coral you have to start to learn to let go of control, you want to know what’s going on so you feel you have some sort of control over the situation because you hate feeling in the dark. But it is inevitable that whatever it is, good or bad you have no control over it, the only thing you can do is be there for Rob if it’s bad news. You can’t take it away from him, you can’t make everyone around you happy and have them be in your life without any problems, life is not like that.” I clench my hands into fists in exasperation. I know George is right, but how the hell do I stop worrying about it?
“So you’re saying, just continue with my life as if nothing’s going on, and not think about Rob at all, pretend like I don’t give a fuck about him, or what he’s going through? No! I can't do that!” I bellow shaking my head.
“No that’s not what I’m saying at all.” George swaps his legs over. “Whatever he is going through right now is....No, let me try it this way. Do you think worrying about whatever it is, is going to make any difference to the outcome?” Whoa hadn’t looked at it like that!
“I...I guess not, no,” I answer sheepishly.
“Good because it won’t. What I am trying to suggest is to try and continue with your life as you normally would and then deal with whatever it is when he comes back.”
“But if it’s bad, I’ll feel guilty for having a good time while he’s been having a bad time.”
George shakes his head in frustration. “Coral, don’t you understand? It is obviously something he wanted to go through with Carlos, if there is anything. If he wanted to tell you he would have, and I very much doubt he’s going to be angry with you for continuing with your life whilst he’s been away, goodness me Coral!”
“Ok, ok I get it,” I scowl.
“Thank goodness,” George blurts falling back into his chair as though he’s passed out. It’s a little over exaggerated, but funny. “So,” he says lifting his head. “Have anything nice planned for the weekend?” I squirm in my seat. “Out with it!” George says.
“I....well, it’s private,” I whisper feeling embarrassed.
“Coral, how many times do I have to tell you? You are in therapy, nothing is private!”
“Fine,” I hiss. “I’m going to sleep with Tristan tonight.” Holy hell, this is beyond uncomfortable. I look up at the ceiling so I don’t have to look at George.
“How are you feeling about having sex again?”
“Fine,” I answer keeping my eyes up.
“Coral!” I finally look at George.
“What?” George cocks one eyebrow up at me.
“You are not fine. So come on,” he prompts.
I sigh inwardly. “I…I thought it would...I thought I wouldn’t ever want to again, but Tristan’s...” I swallow hard. “Tristan makes me feel safe. And it’s like you said, prolonging it can sometimes make the action of doing it again even worse, it gets exasperated in your mind. I’m in love with him George, so sex is just the next, most natural step, right?”
“Yes it is. So why do you look so worried?”
“Ok, ok, so I’m a little apprehensive that I think I’ll be ok then I’ll freak out, then he’ll think I’m crazy...” I drift off.
“I very much doubt that. And my advice to you would be if you do ‘freak out’ to tell him the truth.” I blow out my cheeks.
“That’s pretty heavy stuff to tell someone you hardly know,” I say.
“Do you trust him?” I think about that one and I think I do.
“Yes, I think so,” I whisper.
“Then tell him, he won’t go anywhere.” I nod silently, I’m going for not freaking out. But if I do, I’ll deal with it at the time.
“So that’s a wrap?” George asks.
“Yes.” I take my mobile out and call a taxi. “Thanks for seeing me tonight. Can we keep the extra sessions going?”
“Yes, of course.” We both stand. I give George a big hug, he chuckles at me. “It’s good to see you so happy Coral,” he says.
”Joyce said that too. Was I walking around looking miserable all the time or something?”
“No, not really. You just didn’t smile much, that’s all.”
“Oh! I see.” I walk with George to the front door and pick up the bedding and my bags.
“Coral, let me help you,” he says. I smile warmly at George and pass him the quilt and bedding.
“Thanks.” I see the taxi pull up and beep his horn. We walk out into the warm summer evening. George pops my items on the back seat and I place my overnight bag next to it.
“Thanks George, have a great weekend,” I smile up at him.
“You too,” he smiles. I get into the passenger seat and clip my seatbelt into place.
“Where to love?” The driver asks.
“The Cliff.” I answer.
“Very nice,” he muses. I wave back at George as we pull out of his driveway.
When I checked out Google last night, it said it would take three minutes to get to Tristan’s, I think more like five, either way – it doesn’t leave me much thinking time. We head south down Wilson Avenue, take a left onto Roedean Road, then a right onto Cliff Road and an immediate left onto The Cliff.
“What number love?” The driver asks.
“It doesn’t have one.” He whistles at that answer and keeps driving. “See those wrought iron gates?” The driver leans forward and gazes up at the big trees. “That’s the one,” I say, my voice shaking slightly. He pulls up and I pay him, then I pull the bedding and my bags out the car, then stand waiting for him to drive away.
When I know he can't see me anymore, I bend down and lean my hands on my knees. My heart is racing, my hands are shaking and I know it’s because I want to make it happen tonight, but the closer it’s getting to the actual event, the more nervous and panicky I’m getting – Ok, deep breaths Coral!
I slowly breathe in and out, trying to bring my heart rate down. I notice a couple strolling across the road, they both turn and look at me; suddenly she stops and walks over to me. “Are you ok?” The woman asks. I nod to her, trying to think of something to say. The man calls her back over to him, she starts walking away and as she does she keeps looking over her shoulder at me. Come on Coral, get a grip!
Ok so maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself? I decide that I am and I just need to play all of this by ear, see how I feel when I’m back in Tristan’s arms. Happy with my decision, I turn and walk over to the keypad. I punch in the code for the gates and they smoothly open. I pick up my bags and the bedding, take a deep breath and awkwardly walk down the driveway.
When I reach the front door I use the keys and open it up. Stepping inside I shut the door behind me, and punch in the code for the alarm. Then I let my bags and the bedding drop to the floor. I take another deep breath and stare at the empty, barren house, the enormity of what I’m going to do tonight takes over and I sink to the floor – Come on Coral get a grip!
I try to swallow but my throat feels thick and dry. Standing up, my legs still shaking, I head into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water, glugging it down in one go. I pour another glass and still myself.
“You can do this!” I say out loud, trying to convince myself that I can. Taking another deep breath I look around the huge expanse, this place is so frigging big and empty that it actually feels kind of spooky. “Echo…” I shout, my voice instantly echoing throug
h the empty rooms.
Shaking my head at myself I walk back over to my bags, pick them up with the bedding and awkwardly make my way up the two flights of stairs, and into the main bedroom.
I take a look at my watch it’s 5.30pm. I figure it will take me an hour to shower, shave and pamper myself in all the right places, and Tristan might get back earlier than anticipated – I better get a move on! I quickly open the quilt and lay it out on the floor, so it can flatten out.
Then I make the bed up with the bottom sheet, and the pillow cases. Then last but not least, I put the quilt cover on and lay it on top of the bed – There, now it’s starting to look more like a bedroom. Time for a shower! Finding my wash-bag, I march into the en-suite, stripping my clothes as I go, then finding my razor, shower gel and shampoo and conditioner, I step into the huge shower…
I AM STOOD IN FRONT OF THE DOUBLE SINK, staring at myself in the massive mirror that’s above it – I look ill. My cheeks are sunken – That’s not eating for you – I castigate, but it’s not like I can help it, the moment Tristan left my appetite vanished with him.
My eyes are wide like saucers, and as I take a closer look, I can see the fear behind them. I try not to think too much on that. On a more positive note, the bruises have gone down significantly, and my nose feels completely healed, the only thing left is very light yellowish bruising underneath my eyes, I intend to cover them up with concealer.
I look down at my naked body and try to imagine Tristan’s hands touching me, caressing me, but the fear keeps taking over making me feel nervous and breathless. Maybe it won’t happen tonight? Maybe I’m just not brave enough? I know I have the fear to deal with after what happened two years ago, but add on top of that the fact that I’m not entirely confident about myself, it’s not really the best combination for a sexy night together.
And I can't help wondering if I'm sexy enough for Tristan?
I shake my head at that thought – Get on with it Coral!
I start putting my makeup on, foundation, blusher, powder and my favourite eye-shadow - it’s a copper-brown mix - then some nude lip gloss. Picking up my mascara and opening it up, I suddenly notice how badly my hands are shaking, I can feel the adrenalin pumping through my system, making me feel woozy – I close my eyes and breathe deeply for a while…
CORAL (A Romance Trilogy, Book 1) Page 41
