by Jonathan Dee
She was really the only one he could talk about this with, but somehow that only made him more uncomfortable talking about it. “Why is it necessary,” he said, “to make a show of it? It’s not like I’ve taken a vow of poverty. I live a lot better than most of my friends here do. Just because I have the means to live in some penthouse, does that mean I should do it?”
“Well, yeah, it does mean that, if the alternative is pretending, even to someone you’re supposedly in love with, that you’re somebody you’re not. What, you don’t think she would like it? Don’t kid yourself.”
“Mom and Dad’s money,” he said, “is not who I am.”
“Except why shouldn’t it be? In the sense that you are one of a handful of people to whom certain experiences are open, and not taking advantage of that isn’t noble, it’s just a pose. And anyway, who are you being modest for? Who is impressed by you? It’s crazy. For instance, you’re into art now, I understand. Why don’t I see any art hanging on the walls at your place? Can’t afford it?”
“Excuse me,” he said, “if I’m trying to live a life that’s more authentic than just buying whatever catches my eye, hanging out in clubs and getting high and showing up on Page Six.”
“Please, let’s not exaggerate, I have never been on Page Six. But that’s your problem, right there, what you said. Who told you you were inauthentic? Where do you think this authenticity is waiting to be found, exactly?”
He rolled his eyes and said nothing.
“So come out with me tonight. Fuck eight hours of sleep for once in your life. Life has given you the gift of possibility, and the real arrogance is wasting it so that you can condescend to everyone else by calling them authentic. Do you even know where people go out in this so-called city?”
“No,” he said, “actually, I don’t. I have no idea. Can we talk about something else, please? How do Mom and Dad seem to you?”
She sighed; then she reached across the table and took his unfinished martini. “Mom is all up in my shit, as usual,” she said. “To be honest, they seem really happy with the whole Robin Hood gig they have going. Totally uninhibited about it. Let me tell you, there are two people with no guilt. None. I don’t know where you got it from, is my point. Maybe Dad is not your real father. Maybe Mom was having an affair with Che Guevara or something.” She pushed some food around on her plate. “Who eats dinner this early?” she said.
She was supposed to stay a week, but the next morning she was on the cell with friends in New York trying unsuccessfully to get them to come to Chicago and hang out with her, and that night she called their mother for the jet and flew home. She was very friendly and apologetic about it, and she and Nikki were actually quite sweet with each other by the time it was all over. The next morning, a delivery van buzzed them from downstairs: it turned out that before she left, April had gone to a gallery on Michigan Avenue and bought them a Picasso. It was a simple sketch of a bull’s head; when Nikki was out of earshot, Jonas idly asked one of the delivery guys if he had a receipt for it, and the amount on the receipt was sixteen thousand dollars. When they were alone again, Jonas hammered a nail into the wall above their couch and they hung the frame there and gazed at it. Nikki shook her head. “I don’t get it,” she said. “I really thought she hated me.”
The research Nikki was doing for Agnew lost what little structure it had when summer came; by the end of August their scheduled conferences in his office had devolved into meetings for lunch or coffee or even just a standing invitation to show up at his apartment on South Blackstone and have a glass of wine. It was all well above board, though; Agnew was one of the few cult professors who had no reputation for trying to get over on his grad students, and in any case Nikki never once knocked on his apartment door without finding at least two or three others, usually more-grad students, faculty colleagues, friends of mysterious art-world provenance-already lounging inside. Jonas was curious about these salons but also too self-conscious about his own youth and ignorance to want to go with her. But before long Agnew himself made a point of asking Nikki where her boyfriend-“child bride,” actually, was the expression he used-spent these afternoons and evenings while his paramour drank cheap wine and talked about art. Surely not home alone? When the teasing got to be too much for her, Nikki asked Jonas again if he would please reconsider, just for her sake, and he said yes.
The apartment itself was scruffy but large with, as Agnew said, a great view of the lake if you were willing to let someone hang you out the living room window by your ankles. Nikki came bearing a CD full of images Agnew needed to copy for one reason or another and so the two of them went straight into his study. Jonas felt like people were smirking at him a little bit and so rather than try to horn in on a conversation he acted as if he were in a museum, touring the perimeter of each room, on whose walls hung dozens of small-scale artworks in cheap stationery-store frames. He didn’t recognize any of it. Many of the drawings and paintings (anyone who’d taken Agnew’s Intro to Seeing knew his dismissive views on photography) were unsigned. In the kitchen, an odorous thicket of old wine bottles and impromptu ashtrays, Jonas got to staring at one particular sketch, framed so that the frayed edge from the spiral notebook binding was still visible, of some kind of industrial landscape that kept yielding details that made less and less sense. The sky was filled with numbers, written very carefully as if in a sequence. Just a few feet from the walls of a mysterious factory or plant-which had no doors or windows, only smokestacks-there was a scaled-down forest about the size of a traffic island, with a lake or pond in it in which birds flew underwater.
“Recognize it?” a voice said; Jonas turned, embarrassed by how close his face was to the drawing itself, and saw Agnew. And though he hadn’t recognized anything until that moment, now he did.
“It’s the guy from outside the Institute,” he said.
Agnew clapped him on the shoulder. “Good eye,” he said. “Actually, I have to ask you not to mention to any of your art-world friends that you saw this here. I am in serious Dutch with Mr. Strauss’s gallery over having this piece.”
“I have no art-world friends,” Jonas said. “What do you mean, his gallery? He has a gallery?”
Agnew explained to him, while opening another bottle of wine, that Martin Strauss, far from being Agnew’s secret, was actually quite a name in outsider-art circles, a phrase that was accompanied by a roll of Agnew’s eyes. Strauss was showing in New York and in Miami; though he was somewhere in his thirties, money from the sales of his work, which Agnew guessed might have been as much as thirty or forty thousand dollars a year, went straight to his elderly parents in their capacity as his guardians. Strauss himself had certain needs that had to be met but beyond that he had no use for the money at all. Agnew technically had given him money in exchange for this drawing-“I give him something every time I see him”-but the gallery owner considered this thievery because, he said, the artist had no way of properly valuing his own work. “You can imagine,” Agnew said, “how provocative I find that idea. So I torture this guy a little by maintaining the friendship with his client, even though I am, I suppose, legally speaking, in the wrong.”
Jonas was conscious that he was actually hunched over a little in order not to look down on his host. So-called outsider art, Agnew went on, was nowadays pretty much the sole focus of his own research, and for that matter of his interest in art, period. “And not ‘outsider’ as in ‘self-taught,’ either,” he said. “That’s one of the many problems with the influx of people like this schmuck with his gallery-in an effort to maximize their own exploitation, they broaden the definition until it becomes meaningless. So no, none of that condescending Grandma Moses folk-art bullshit. I’m interested only in the artistic expression of those whose mental or psychological circumstances lie outside what society has defined as acceptable.”
“The insane?” Jonas asked. Agnew frowned. “I try not to romanticize them,” he said, “for good or bad. Whatever they may have done to marginalize t
hemselves is immaterial. As artists, they sit down to engage their art with absolutely no sense of a viewer, of history, of an outside world. Does that make them insane? You look at what they produce and the only proper answer to that question becomes, What’s the difference?”
Jonas had many more questions, but just then Nikki walked in and stopped short in surprise. “There you are,” she said uncertainly.
“Ah,” Agnew said, “the power couple. Listen, Nikki, there’s one of those-God, it makes my mouth hurt just having to say it-‘outsider art fair’ fiascoes in town next month, and I was going to ask if you’d go. Larry Masters will have a little booth there-Larry, that’s the dealer I was telling you about, Jonas, the one who accuses me of devaluing Martin Strauss-and so I can’t go, he hates me, he probably has some kind of court order waiting for me, actually. But why don’t the two of you go? There should actually be some great stuff there, some Wölfli, I think, some Ramirez, some Dadd. You’ll do it?”
They glanced wide-eyed at each other; then Jonas turned back to Agnew and nodded.
“Excellent. About time we got young Mr. Morey here on the payroll. Just an expression, Jonas, don’t look like that. Not that you need it, like most of these indigents. In fact, maybe you can put us on the payroll, right?”
Jonas smiled nervously. He was surprised to learn that Agnew knew who he was.
“Seriously,” Agnew said, “you’d be doing me a real favor if you’d return this. I love it, but I don’t feel like getting sued over it. Tell him who it’s from.” He took the framed Strauss down from the kitchen wall and handed it to Jonas.
“You can’t,” Jonas said without thinking. It was too extraordinary; he didn’t want to be the one to hand it over. “It’s like-I don’t know. It’s like putting a kid into foster care. There has to be some other way.”
Agnew’s eyebrows were up, though not, it seemed, in a bad way. “Well, I’m glad you like it,” he said. “But, like it or not, it is in the world, and has been assigned a value in that world, quite independent of what you or I or the artist think about that. Or can do to stop it, for that matter. Outsider art is very hot right now. I’ve been happy to hang this piece here but now it’s time for it to go, as they say, into the system.”
Jonas looked at it again. He was flushed with the awareness of Agnew’s interest in him, in what he was going to do; he wasn’t courting that interest, but still, he could feel it. Something about the drawing was too compelling to just let go of like that. It wasn’t like it spoke to him or anything. It resisted all that-you could admire it, but you had no real hope of interpreting it. It was an artifact of an unimaginable state of mind. There was no dialogue going on there, no puzzle to solve, no meaning to extract. Or, if it had a meaning, it was a meaning he had no hope of understanding.
“How much do you think he wants for it?” Jonas said.
Clubs were over, there weren’t any good ones anymore, and anyway a key component of the usual club high-getting in when you weren’t supposed to, when it was technically illegal for them to serve you, but they would serve you anyway and for free because of how you looked and because they knew who you were-was gone now that April was of age. Yet at a certain point the night always took a certain turn and the next thing you knew you were sitting in some VIP room with a bunch of people who said they were with you, paying five hundred bucks for a bottle of Ketel One while the bass throb reached you through the walls. The reason this was a bad development was that the disgust and contempt it engendered in her, directed at those around her but at herself too, left her open to longing for stronger intoxicants. And little men, older men, would pop up in her field of vision at the very moment this desire started making itself felt in her mind-as if she were tripping already, as if the world itself were some sort of Second Life dreamscape programmed to tempt her with her own wants-and once you reached that point, bitch, you were finished.
When the speed kicked in, the music dropped out of the mix for a moment and she heard as clear as a bell the voice of her friend Katie, her best friend Katie whose last name April couldn’t remember but whom she’d known and hung out with when they were in middle school. Katie went to Spence. The two girls made eye contact and screamed. “You went to Spence!” April shouted over the music, which was loud again, as if Katie might have forgotten. “Yes!” Katie said. “Yes! Six years ago!” Her math seemed wrong, but her eyes were like pinpricks and she was so happy to see April that she was crying. Where had she come from? The world got so small when you were out at night. In the shadows over Katie’s shoulder, as they hugged again, April could make out two very sketchy-looking guys sitting on the arms of Katie’s vacated chair, older guys, though they were hard to reckon in the way of shaven-headed men. The world was full of these guys, who were waiting, always waiting. Waiting for what? Well, she wasn’t an idiot, they were waiting to fuck Katie, Katie and her; they were pathetic and old and degenerate but April liked having them around for a couple of reasons, one being that the nauseating prospect of one of them being there to catch you when you fell was the only thing that kept you vigilant, and the other was that their gaze reminded you where you were, which was basically at the exact center of the fucking universe, young, hot women of privilege at the very peak of everything that was desirable, the very apex of all in life that was worth coveting. And who the hell wanted to sleep through that?
“Katie,” she said to Katie, who was talking at the same time, “that guy over there, his head looks like a fucking turtle. Who is that guy?”
“I don’t know,” Katie said. “He’s not American, though. He wants to fuck me.”
“Well we cannot let that happen!”
“I know.” Katie turned and looked right at him. “He has the best drugs, though. He likes my tattoos. He has his uses.”
The guy’s stare was reptilian. He would sit there for thirty years if he had to. “Look,” April said. “Look look look. He is a goblin. I was sent here to earth to save you from him, you fucking stoned bitch.” They hugged again. “How are we going to throw these guys off the trail?”
The answer was to pile into April’s car and have the driver take them to Scores. She called ahead for a room and set them up with lap dance after lap dance. While this one completely amazing Amazon was rubbing her tits on the turtle’s head, April and Katie motioned that they were going to the bathroom, and once they were out of there they ran stumbling out the door and piled back into April’s limo and told the driver to hit it.
They laughed and got up on their knees in the back seat to look out the rear window but then it was just the two of them in the car, and they realized they didn’t know each other particularly well and the speed was wearing off. The driver hadn’t even asked them where they were going, because he was waiting for them to figure it out. Waiting while driving. April couldn’t remember his name, but he was the best. Katie said she knew where she could get some Adder-all; probably from her own bathroom cabinet, April thought, and anyway, Adderall seemed a little low-stakes right now. “I know a guy we can call,” she said. “And he owes me a favor.” If you made a lot of friends when you went out then there was always somebody who owed you a favor. The guy’s name was Dmitri and when he called back he was, where else, in a club, so she told the nice driver to take Canal almost all the way over to the highway, and he nodded without turning around.
That was where they started in on the meth. Then it was some time later and they were on the sidewalk in the hostile sunlight and “they” no longer included Katie, whom April hadn’t seen in a while. Dmitri was there, and three other sketchy guys with accents, and two women whose job, it seemed, was to make out with each other once an hour or so to keep the others from losing interest in everything. That may not have been a joke; it wouldn’t be unlike Dmitri to have actually paid them to do it. They found a diner and ate without tasting anything, while the sketchy guys glared menacingly, to zero effect, at the disgusted cashier. April felt ashamed to be with these people she didn’t know, b
ut they were like vampires, she was one of them now, she couldn’t just go back to the living. She looked out the window and there at the curb, unbelievably, was her driver, leaning against the side of his car, looking exhausted. She had to let him go. She wanted to tip him a few hundred bucks, but when she looked in her bag she saw that she had like thirty dollars in there, which was fucked up but true. So she called him on her cell, watching his angry face through the window, and sent him home.
Her cell had a bunch of voice mails on it but she didn’t bother with them. Some were from her mother, but she was out of town herself, so there was no stress there. Everyone was arguing over the check like a bunch of losers, not because they particularly cared but just as a symptom of their panic over coming down. “Where can we go, my love?” Dmitri said to her. One of the chicks was trying to reapply her makeup.
“Your place?” April said. “I mean, you must live somewhere, right?”
He shook his head. “Not with these pigs,” he said. “If we go there, it is just you and me. Is that what you want?”
No, it was not. “I want the festivities to go on,” she said.
“Brava. Well, in that case we need someplace big. Big and empty. Private.”
And then April had what she knew right away was a terrible idea.
“Hey,” she said loudly to the group. They were like rats, red-eyed and squabbling. “Does one of you lowlifes have a car?”
One of the lowlifes did indeed have a car; it was in Queens, though, so he and Dmitri went to get it. The others went somewhere to steal cigarettes and take a shower. April waited more than an hour for them in a Starbucks on Varick Street. Dmitri texted her every few minutes. She didn’t know what time it was, or what day it was, but the Starbucks was packed. And the strange thing, even though she wasn’t high anymore, was that the people in this fake space exhibited the most terrible intimacies-yelling into their cell phones, popping zits, putting on makeup, talking to themselves like maniacs-six inches from your face. Their conviction that you could not see or hear them was so strong that, in fact, you usually did not see or hear them. Sitting across the tiny table from April, picking at some kind of muffin, was a woman about April’s mother’s age who had unmistakably, some time in the last day or two, been punched in the eye.
