A Heart of Shame

by Kristen Banet

  “No one,” Elijah answered, shaking his head. He grabbed his hat off his bedside table. “He’ll like me more if I go alone. He’ll trust me more if I go there privately and try not to embarrass him in front of outsiders. If I take someone like you, Quinn, or Sawyer, he’ll throw me out again. Zander won’t be able to keep a cool head, not that I can blame him, and Jasper? He’s needed here.” Elijah shrugged. “I got this, Vincent.”

  “Stay safe,” Vincent said quietly. Elijah heard the rest of the team say it as he grabbed his keys and headed out.

  He hated being back in this state. It reminded him of everything that was wrong with him. He was a cowboy, a southern man, but other Texans never liked him. He missed it though. Missed the heat, missed this specific brand of Southern. Georgia and Texas were two very different places. This was home, and he wanted it. Wanted to stay more than he could have imagined.

  Home had never seemed to want him, though.

  He pulled into the sheriff’s office and found the older man at the front desk, leaning over to read something while that same deputy was filling some paperwork. Elijah pulled off his hat as he got inside.

  “Good afternoon, Sheriff Stevenson,” Elijah said, keeping it light. He plastered a smile on his face and walked closer. “I was wondering if I could talk to you.”

  “Special Agent Grant…” Sheriff Stevenson greeted him carefully, looking up. Elijah waved with a hat, continuing to smile. “How can I be of service today?”

  “A couple of bodies showed up down in Abilene,” Elijah answered slowly, letting his country accent get thick. “I just wanted to talk to you privately about what my team and I will be doing moving forward.”

  “Come to my office.” Stevenson waved for him to follow. Elijah wandered into the back of the building, letting Stevenson hold the door for him. Once Elijah was inside, the good sheriff closed and locked the door on them. Elijah didn’t sit as Stevenson moved behind his desk and sat himself down. “What do you want?”

  “I was hoping you could help me protect the Magi in the area. The two victims in Abilene were unknown. Their neighbors and coworkers didn’t know who they were, Magi or otherwise,” Elijah told him, finally sitting down. He had been waiting for Stevenson to offer a seat but that, it seemed, was never going to happen.

  “How does anyone know?” Stevenson asked quietly. Elijah realized that the sheriff didn’t know they were on to him. He was trying to protect his own Magi heritage, which made no sense to Elijah. There was no way the sheriff thought he was still a secret, unless he didn’t have any education on what Magi could do, which made even less sense.

  “They had documents pointing that they were retired soldiers of the IMAS,” Elijah told him, with a heavy sigh. “Good soldiers at that. They were looking at being comfortable for the rest of their lives.”

  “Such a shame,” Stevenson whispered.

  “Isn’t it? So, I’m asking for your help, really,” Elijah said, brushing nonexistent dust off his hat. He had about four of them and he took good care of them. The one Sawyer ruined was, thankfully, a cheaper one. Elijah had still been attached. That little witch.

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t exactly keep a list of every Magi. I thought that was something only the WMC did,” Stevenson grunted, holding out his hands.

  He thought? Elijah didn’t like that. Stevenson should know the WMC kept the Registrar. Everything about this conversation was wrong. It was like Elijah was talking to just any sheriff, but Stevenson was Magi.

  “Well, if you can’t help, I’ll just be going,” Elijah said quickly, standing back up. He put his hat back on and turned to the door.

  “Wait,” Stevenson called out. “I want something from you.” Elijah turned back to him and opened his arms, letting the sheriff know he was willing to hear what he had to say. “I don’t want y’all running around with weapons all over my county. Put them away. Ain’t nobody going to mess with six Magi in this part of the world.”

  “Four Magi are already dead in this part of the world,” Elijah reminded him, “and I don’t think I need to remind you what kind of reputation this area might hold in terms of feelings about Magi.”

  “And I don’t need the Grant boy being nosy in my neck of the woods,” Stevenson growled, and Elijah felt a race of a chill run through him. Then he got hot. Elijah got very hot. “Put the weapons away or go stay in Abilene and stay out of Albany. I don’t need your brand of justice in my town.”

  “You know who I am,” Elijah whispered.

  “I know the infamous Magi faggot from San Angelo when I see him, yes. You also told me your name and where you were from, it honestly wasn’t hard to find out,” Stevenson told him with a nod. “Now you can go.”

  “Thank fuck you’ll be out of the job soon,” Elijah whispered, glaring at Stevenson. “Magi aren’t allowed to hold public office with non-Magi governments. I’ll make sure to let my superiors know how… helpful you’ve been for your fellow Magi, you old fucking bigot.”

  Elijah left before the good sheriff could respond. He vibrated with fury. It had been a long time since he was well and truly reminded of what he left behind in Texas. He’d been powerful enough to keep the bullies away from himself.

  He hadn’t been strong enough to help his friend, the one his father threw him out over. He’d made those motherfuckers pay, then, after graduating high school, he got on the first bus to Dallas and never looked back.

  Stevenson wanted to play games with his past? Elijah was going to make sure they made his life a living hell. Elijah could because he outranked his dumbass.

  Elijah was going to fucking win.

  It was hours after the incident with the sheriff when Elijah saw Vincent finally get the call back from James over whether they could get Stevenson’s Registrar entry. Vincent left the room to take it, and Elijah found himself sitting alone with Sawyer.

  Elijah just waited silently. He fumed and waited. It had been so long since he was called a faggot. Not even Jon had gone to that, choosing Brokeback as a better way to get under Elijah’s skin.

  “Elijah?” Sawyer whispered to him, and he looked over to her. “No one has told me how your meeting with the sheriff went.” She and Jasper hadn’t been in the room when he got back. He had told Vincent, and Vincent said he would deal with it.

  “Bad, little lady,” he answered, reaching for her. He wanted to kiss her again, in any way he could but he didn’t let it show. He wanted to have what Vincent got, a night to forget and just enjoy the gorgeous woman, but he wasn’t going to take it past teasing, not anymore. She had enough on her plate, and they had finally developed a real, solid friendship. She was so good to Quinn that it broke his heart a little. Once Elijah trusted her with Quinn, everything seemed to fall into place between the three of them. It was good to just be with Sawyer and Quinn, and it was what each of them expected out of those around them. He could never stop finding the strangest similarities between the two.

  “Tell me, Cowboy.” Sawyer sighed, pulling his hat off his head. Elijah grumbled and leaned back in his seat. He watched her put his hat on his dresser.

  “Give me a hug, hot stuff, and I’ll tell you,” Elijah mumbled petulantly, shifting forward again and opening his arms. Sawyer chuckled, walked back to him, and wrapped her arms around him. “He knows who I am, and I don’t like it. He’s an ass, got all high and mighty with me. He wants us to stop carrying arms or leave town. He’s a Magi, though, regardless of his position as sheriff. He answers to us, not the other way around. I let him know that.”

  “I’m sorry, Elijah,” she whispered. He just nodded slowly.

  “We’ll solve this case, he’ll be fucking put back in his stupid-ass place, and we’ll go home,” he said with a sigh. Vincent stomped back in at that moment and Elijah didn’t move. He also didn’t let Sawyer move from the hug. He was quite comfortable. Vincent raised his eyebrows at them, and Elijah grinned. “She’s mine now, you’ll need to find another battle-weary assassin.”

  “Da
mn it, Elijah,” Sawyer groaned. He pouted slightly as she sublimated out of his arms. He watched her reform across the room. “I don’t belong to people.”

  “No,” Elijah chuckled. “I think you claim them, not the other way around. My apologies, little lady.” He looked between Vincent and Sawyer. “Your Italian boy-toy is back.”

  “God damn it, Elijah,” Vincent chided, glaring at him. “Not cute.”

  “You two are very cute together.” Elijah laughed. He had a feeling Sawyer was cute with anyone, though. Arguing with Zander, sputtering with Jasper over each other’s way of thinking, getting broody with Vincent, or being strange with Quinn. Yeah, Elijah thought Sawyer fit in really well, and it seemed having sex with Vincent agreed with her. Elijah had just been mad about the timing.

  He had the ache to give it a shot himself—if she would have him. He just wasn’t sure he wanted to wade into the drama surrounding her bed. Not like any of it was her fault. She had a bunch of over-grown teenage boys panting after her… himself included.

  “What’s the news?” Sawyer asked, turning toward Vincent.

  “Our request for Mason Stevenson’s Registrar entry was denied,” Vincent said carefully.

  “What?” he snapped, glaring at Vin.

  “Because Sheriff Stevenson doesn’t have one,” Vincent finished.

  Curses could be heard from Sawyer.

  Elijah just sputtered.

  They were dealing with an unregistered Magi.

  “There could be more,” Vincent told them. “We need to be careful. For all we know, our killer could be one.”

  “How does some old-ass sheriff get away with being unregistered for so long?” Sawyer yelled. “I’ve never seen anyone last past twenty-five!”

  “Out in a place like this?” Elijah growled. “Fuck, there could be a ton out here, Vincent.”

  This case was going to hell and fast.

  Elijah didn’t like it. He pulled out his small sketchbook and, to ease his mind, began to doodle.

  He hadn’t had time to work on anything personal for himself in a long time. From catching and keeping Sawyer, plus the incident in Atlanta, to the house drama, getting Sawyer caught up, and Jasper walking again… Elijah hadn’t given himself a real chance to breathe.

  He watched Sawyer leave through the wall and wondered when she would get tired of using her magic constantly. There was an adjustment period for every teen Magi who just got their abilities. They would use them constantly, for everything. Sawyer seemed to be going through that a second time.

  “Stop drawing her.” Vincent chuckled, pointing to his sketchbook. Elijah looked down and frowned. Sure enough, Sawyer stared back him, that arrogant smirk taunting him. He groaned at it.

  “My dick hurts,” Elijah grumbled, closing the sketchbook and dropping it on his desk. “How are things on that for you?”

  “Oh, no,” Vincent laughed. “Don’t change the subject. When are you going to admit you like her?”

  “I’ve never denied it.” Elijah laughed as well. “I just don’t expect it to be serious.”

  “I didn’t either,” Vincent whispered, suddenly distracted. Elijah saw him turn to the wall shared with Sawyer’s room. Their leader was head over heels into her. “I made a deal with Zander and Jasper.”

  “Tell me in all seriousness if you really think Zander’s cute little idea will work,” Elijah groaned. “Really.”

  “I hope it does,” Vincent replied, looking back at him. “We’ll talk more about it after the case…”

  “We’re playing this game again, huh?” Elijah laughed harder than before. “After. Always after with you. After Axel, after the case. You like her, go fucking tell her you want more than one night. Vincent, don’t play the coward now.”

  “Says the cowboy who won’t admit he wants more than a friendship with her. You draw her all the time, whether you want to admit it or not. Tell me, when are we going to see a steel sculpture dedicated to her?”

  “That’s harsh.” Elijah winced at Vincent’s point.

  “You get laid in Atlanta? Or, better yet, when’s the last time you and Quinn got it out of your systems?” Vincent frowned at him.

  “No and too long,” Elijah sighed. “We’ve both been…”

  “Distracted by her. Fine, I won’t wait until after the case to say this. If you want to try and woo her, then you need to accept that every other guy on this team is doing the same. I agreed with Zander and Jasper not to push them out if they didn’t push me. You need to agree to it as well, or we’re going to have more problems than we already have.”

  Elijah watched as Vincent walked over and take his sketchbook. He flipped it open and revealed page after page of sketches. Sawyer and Quinn over a book. Sawyer practicing with her daggers or cleaning them. Sawyer’s haunted eyes. Those stuck with him more often than not.

  “Go as fast or as slow as you want, but while I’m a coward who wants to wait, you are downright lying to yourself, if you think you’re only attracted to her good looks.”

  “I get your point,” Elijah growled, grabbing the sketchbook. “You think I care if you, Zander, and Jasper are after her? Damn Vincent, my job on this team is to keep y’all fools happy because you, as our leader, have always been too emotionally withdrawn to put the time into it. If she’s happy, and y’all are happy, have at it. But I need to take Quinn into account. God, if we’re all sleeping with her except him, casually or not…” Elijah trailed off, shaking his head.

  It wasn’t just Quinn or the team. He didn’t want to give away a piece of himself to someone who felt like she didn’t deserve it. He wasn’t an idiot. Someone like her, it was obvious she felt like she didn’t deserve love, or anything close to it. She offered it freely, gave away pieces of herself to Vincent in an effort to help him overcome his sorrow, to Quinn to overcome his own shame at his lack of education. Even to Elijah, for being ballsy enough to remind him that he could hold his friends back by caring too much, but she wasn’t willing to accept something back.

  Elijah had a feeling that her flashback where she nearly killed Vincent wasn’t going to help that belief, either.

  “You’re right.” Vincent sighed. “I’m sorry.”

  “Yes,” Elijah mumbled. “Yes, I’m in but I need… I need to make sure it works with me, her, and Quinn. You’re a great friend, Vincent. You always have been, but Quinn? He’s like a brother to me. I don’t know if I can have a relationship with her unless he has one.”

  He also needed to make sure she wasn’t going to bolt when the team dumped their romantic feelings on her head.

  “I know,” Vincent said quietly. “You and Quinn may as well be Jasper and Zander.”

  “In a lot of ways, it’s the same, except for the benefits part,” Elijah chuckled softly, nodding. He stood up and moved towards his bed, stripping down. “I’m going to bed.”

  “Elijah?” Vincent called out as Elijah turned off the lights.

  “What?” Elijah asked, frowning to Vin.

  “Don’t forget your own happiness,” Vincent told him gently.

  “I’m happiest when the people around me are.” Elijah sighed. “And I’ll worry more about it when we’re out of this blasted state.”

  “Are you going to see your parents when the case is done? Before we head out?

  “I don’t know,” Elijah sighed, falling into bed.

  First, they had to make it through the case. Then Elijah would worry about his parents, only two hours away—and the past he’d left in that damn town.

  After all of that, he would go back to worrying about Quinn and Sawyer.

  And his own big bleeding heart.

  16

  Sawyer

  She had gone to sleep freaked out and upset.

  But her nightmares didn’t care that she needed to be well rested for the case.

  It started like most did. A blow while she was in the dark. A brutal hit that left her screaming. She was too weak to fight back, as tears poured down her cheeks. She w
ouldn’t have, anyway. Others needed her to stay down, to be the punching bag. She cried out for mercy.

  But something shifted while Sawyer was lying in the dark after it was over, alone and shaking from the pain.

  She grew lucid and coughed. This had never happened before.

  She staggered to stand up, confused. Normally, deep lucid dreaming like this came from dream walkers stepping in.

  But Sawyer didn’t see Jasper anywhere or feel him. She would know if it was him. She would know if it was any Magi she’d already encountered.

  She stood in the dark, and instead saw another dark shape of a person. She felt violated. This was a stranger dream walking into her space, into her nightmares. She must have been leaking hard enough for whoever this was to pick it up, but this person still had to be close. If she woke up, she had a feeling this person could very well be on the motel’s property.

  And this stranger? His magic felt off, wrong in the worst ways. She got a clear reading of it even at a distance. Twisted. Violated. Perverted, but not in the sexual sense. Wrong.

  “Like what you see?” Sawyer called out. She knew what she looked like. She could feel the blood pouring out of her nose, the swelling, aching pain of a bruise on her cheek. “Think wandering in here makes you powerful? To see me like this?”

  She watched it shrug.

  That terrified her and made her even more furious. And sick. Her stomach rolled at its indifference.

  “I recommend you go,” Sawyer snarled. “And if I catch you on the outside, you better hope it’s in the daylight. Because the dark is mine.”

  And the Magi left, leaving Sawyer back to her darkness.

  She just glared at the empty space. Shame and disgust curled around her heart at the thought of a stranger seeing her get beaten in her nightmares. What if they saw Henry die? What if they saw her finger get cut off? What if they saw her kill?

  That ass would pay for stepping into her nightmares next time. Strangers weren’t allowed to know what tortured her at night.