A Heart of Shame

by Kristen Banet

  “Thirty?” Jasper frowned at her. How did she get that number?

  “How close we can get before he realizes we’re nearby? Based on our strength and his, he’s so weak that we needed to be nearly on top of his head to notice his power. He would notice us a little farther out but… his own strength would hinder even that. His Source can’t reach out far enough to notice others. So, I’m guessing we can get within thirty yards before he really notices us, unless he actually sees us.”

  Jasper kept frowning through her explanation. There were some things Magi just dealt with. The fact that a Magi knew another Magi the moment they felt each other’s magic was one of them. But Sawyer had it down to a science. He wondered how important that knowledge had been for her. And how much she had abused it like this before.

  “Jasper?” Sawyer gave him a confused look. “What?”

  “When did you start learning how to judge that sort of thing?” he asked quietly. He watched her expression change from confusion to a cold, hard mask.

  “Work,” she bit out and picked up her walking speed. “How to sneak through and past Magi guards to get to my targets,” she continued, and Jasper was hit in the gut with the information. He’d guessed, but every time he heard the confirmation of her old work and what she’d learned from it… it all came back. He was in love with a criminal who was on her last leg to living freely. She was only here because they had caught her, she was exposed, and it was better than prison.

  “Should come in handy today,” he muttered, looking at her face when he caught up. She kept the mask, refused to let anything show through; refusing to let him know just how much he upset her.

  “Let’s hope,” she whispered, nodding her head toward something ahead of them. Her hand touched his arm and his world became black and gray. He nearly pulled away, but a quick shake of her head made him hold still. He finally looked in the direction she had indicated.

  They were already on South Main Street, and there was Stevenson, talking to another local in front of a place called Vintage Vanilla, an old school soda fountain that served as a deli as well.

  It wasn’t interesting, but they had eyes on the target already, and that was something. Jasper figured Stevenson was just picking up a bite to eat for later in the day, or just doing his work as the local sheriff. Sawyer turned them slowly around the corner of the old bank on Main Street on to South 1st Street. Jasper felt her drop the cloak, and color returned to his world.

  “Does it always do that?” he asked, taking a deep breath.

  “Yeah,” Sawyer whispered, looking back around the corner. “It does. We’ll stay here. I’ll keep an eye out for him and any movement. I’ll cloak if I think he’s going to turn in my direction. You just…stay there. I’m going to have a smoke and look casual. You do the same. We’ll pretend we’re waiting on a ride if anyone asks, but the town is pretty dead right now.”

  Jasper nodded once and watched her light up. She had this down to an art and he was… impressed and uncomfortable.

  “How long until you want to hit his office and dig through it?” he asked softly.

  “Later in the day, or at night,” she replied. “Preferably in the middle of the night. Let’s just find out where he lives today and see if he might have a schedule we can follow. Who he goes to see, what he does.”

  “How many times have you done this before?” He needed to know.

  “For every IMPO agent stationed in a city. Like I said, I like doing this sort of ground work.” She sighed. “I just never thought I would have to keep doing it for you all. I thought I was done with this.” He didn’t know how to respond, and she just continued to talk. “He’s moving down Main, we can follow at a good distance and just pretend we’re enjoying the sights of the town.”

  “Alright,” he groaned, leading the way. He frowned when she slid her arm in his.

  “Show,” she whispered. He went with it, pulling her a little closer. So, they were going to play the couple thing. “I need to be with a guy like you or they’ll… well. I don’t belong in this part of the country.”

  “You are extremely aware of yourself,” Jasper noted, “and how these locals probably would look at you.” It was almost disheartening that she was aware of it. Sawyer missed nothing, from her past and how it had changed her, to her appearance and how people looked at her.

  “We grew up in Georgia, in the Southeast below the Bible Belt, Jasper.” Sawyer sighed. “The World Trade Centers were a national tragedy… along with two wars the United States went into after it. I can’t blame people for looking at me and seeing all of that, it just sucks. I plan for at least something to come up at any point because of how I look. It’s all a part of the game.”

  He felt a little cold at that. He remembered. He remembered the bullies and the looks she got as they grew up. He remembered how people would ask her about her religion or if she was an American. A lot of fights between her and Zander and the other kids. Jasper dragging them away to keep them out of trouble.

  They walked down South Main Street, arm in arm, lost in those memories as their eyes took in the world around them. Jasper made sure to get a good look at the sheriff when he needed to. They were nearly fifty yards behind him, and Jasper couldn’t feel the old Magi’s Source from that distance. Sawyer had been right. Stevenson didn’t seem to notice them at all.

  It felt like it was nearly an hour before they watched him climb into his truck and drive off. Jasper glared at it. Stevenson had talked to a lot of non-Magi, but they didn’t run into any other Magi in the town at all. He’d shaken hands and waved, but nothing more. Well, except one phone call he’d made, but they didn’t have a chance to get close enough to hear it.

  “Let’s get back to the motel.” Sawyer sighed. They were near the town’s old clock tower and courthouse at this point, wandering through the park that surrounded it. It wasn’t very much of a park. The grass was mostly yellow from lack of rain, and the patches that were green weren’t going to last much longer. “No reason to just sit outside the sheriff’s office and wait for him to go do something, especially since we’ll need a car to follow him anywhere. I think we’ll learn more from breaking in tonight, maybe even get his address off his personnel file.”

  “I agree,” he responded. People milled about, and some shot them glares as they turned around to head back the way they came. The man they saw talking to Stevenson outside Vintage Vanilla glared at them as they passed by.

  He didn’t like this.

  “Go back to your own damn country,” the man hissed as they got further away. Jasper felt Sawyer tense up. “Good boy like you, disgracing yourself with a woman like her.”

  That pissed him off, now. The town seemed so normal, but underneath it was something rotten, he could feel it.

  “Go fuck yourself,” Jasper snarled back at him. The man sneered at them. Sawyer sighed deeply, turning slowly.

  “I was born and raised in Georgia, sugar. I am in my own fucking country. I thought all of us Southerners were raised on good old Southern hospitality, but I can see your mother failed you.” Sawyer smiled at the end, and Jasper watched the man turn beat red. She was so at ease with it. He knew she was prepared, but he wondered how she didn’t get pissed off like him.

  “We don’t like your kind around these parts. You would do best to move along,” he told them vehemently, and Jasper saw spit fly from his mouth. “Go back to where you came from, Georgia or whatever.”

  “Let’s go, Jasper,” Sawyer chuckled. “We’re obviously not wanted here.”

  “I can see that,” Jasper fumed, glaring at the old man. He threw his arm over her shoulder, and they walked together. As they moved further away, he pulled her a little closer. In boots, he was still only an inch taller than her, which made having an arm over her slightly uncomfortable, but he wanted to keep it there.

  He was proud of her. She’d remained calm when he had wanted to jump the country fuck. It made him remind himself that she wasn’t all violence. She w
as also patience, and kindness, and a disarming smile when someone tried to give her a hard time. She wasn’t just a more dangerous version of Zander’s hot temper.

  They made their way back to the motel together, keeping a steady pace. The temperature was starting to climb to dangerous levels again. Jasper wasted a bit of his energy and made a small breeze around them.

  “Thanks,” she told him, removing herself from his hold.

  “Not a problem,” Jasper replied, smiling at her. He felt more comfortable, every step they got away from the center of the tiny town. “You feeling better from last night?”

  “Yes and no,” Sawyer answered softly. “It’s one thing for you to get pulled in on accident. I would understand you coming in. Something about a stranger, though… and the behavior? All of it was just wrong. Everything about last night was wrong.”

  Jasper agreed. When she leaked nightmares to him, it was awful, and he just wanted it to stop. He’d never even tried to jump in and really see it. He would never do that since it was such a violation of another’s privacy. It was like stalking or creeping on someone. A bit of a taboo among Magi-like mind reading without permission. It was considered rude and not done by the more civilized or kind members of their community. Definitely frowned upon.

  Their killer didn’t seem to care about any of that. Didn’t understand the taboos that came from having certain abilities.

  “He shrugged, Jasper,” Sawyer whispered. “I asked him if it made him feel powerful, and he shrugged.”

  Jasper swallowed that bitter pill. He didn’t know what to say to her. There was no way for anyone to stop it from happening again. He knew that, and he was sure Sawyer knew it.

  “On the topic of my nightmares,” Sawyer said, louder, less shaky. “The entire house knew I was leaking them to you, except me?” He winced.

  “I haven’t gotten much sleep since you moved in,” Jasper mumbled. “And before Axel, there were a lot of unknowns. I wanted you to come forward with it, not bring it up because I was seeing flashes of stuff I didn’t understand. Since…”

  “Since, you’ve been preoccupied with a lost leg, my real past, and… other things,” Sawyer finished for him. He didn’t like the side eye she was delivering.

  Other things.

  “Let’s not go there,” Jasper continued to mumble, feeling like a child caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to. He realized they were going to go there, whether he liked it or not, so he continued. She had him cornered. “I like you. We’re friends. I have… issues I need to get over with regards to your past, and you have things you’re working on. I’m fine.”

  “You need time to reconcile my work history.” Sawyer whistled and kept walking. Jasper wished they had brought an Explorer. The walk was feeling too long at this point, and he wasn’t a guy to talk about this kind of stuff. He let Zander do the talking. It was easier, even if Zander had a tendency to screw up. “It’s okay. I get it. I’m also not ready to… dive into all those feelings from our younger years. They’re there, Jasper. I won’t lie to you and say they aren’t. I crushed on you both pretty hard, and it was obvious. They still make everything complicated. Shit, everything is more complicated now…”

  He thrilled for a moment at hearing that she had also liked him and still did. And then he registered the rest of her statement.

  “It is more complicated,” Jasper groaned. “Sawyer, some of the things you know and can do… they scare me. I don’t know how to handle it.”

  “It’s okay to judge me. I do,” Sawyer whispered.

  Jasper didn’t know what to say, as those words hit him in the chest. He stopped walking, and she just continued, as if she never said it. Something broke in his heart. He did sometimes judge her. Vincent had said she was ridden hard by shame and guilt, but Jasper hadn’t really listened. She was so confident, so strong. She held her chin high and let nothing like that show.

  Sometimes, he looked at her and he saw the thief, the criminal, the assassin. The one who knew things that disgusted him, like the Dark Web information. He wasn’t sure how to reconcile his feelings for a woman who knew and could do those things.

  Other times, he saw the hero. The woman who risked it all to help other people, ones who didn’t know her and kids who couldn’t help themselves—a hero willing to embrace the darkness to keep others out of it. He saw the woman who had decided that Quinn didn’t just need to learn to read, but also appreciate it, and risked her tentative friendship with him to make it happen. And Quinn was beginning to enjoy reading, a gift Jasper and Vincent could never figure out how to give him—had failed to give him because they hadn’t been brave enough to stand in front of him and push the limits of Quinn’s patience.

  “I don’t just mean the things I did, Jasper,” she continued looking back at him. He met her obsidian eyes. So dark a brown that they seemed black. He fell into them as she spoke. “I don’t just mean what I did as Axel’s Shadow, his monster. I don’t think the way you do about being an agent. I don’t trust the system the way you do, and sometimes, I wish I could. There are things about me that define me as a criminal, now and always. It’s the mindset of being on the other side of the law, and I know that. And sometimes I hate myself for it.”

  “Sawyer…” Jasper took a couple steps towards her.

  “I know that you may never really be okay with me or the things I’ve done,” Sawyer laughed bitterly, “and that’s one of the reasons I haven’t pressed the issue of our kiss before everything happened in Atlanta. I don’t deserve someone as good as you, Jasper. Then I went and slept with Vincent, who… I understand. And he understands me. More than I thought he could. More than I thought anyone could.”

  “We’ll need to revisit this,” Jasper whispered, pointing to the motel and wondering if she may be right. He thought about him and Zander. They had always wanted to share her because they both completed their triad in different ways. And now Vincent, who did understand her in ways Jasper and Zander no longer could. Jasper could see how Vincent would become important to her. Hell, for all their troubles, Vincent was important to Jasper and Zander. They were important to him, which was why they talked to him about her and their idea.

  He didn’t need to always be okay with everything, either. He had a few good friends to knock him around if he was hung up on something, friends he talked to regularly, even if they were having problems. Especially if they were having problems.

  They got to the motel and she went to her own door while Jasper went to tell Vincent the plan.

  “Get some sleep,” Jasper reminded her. “We’ll be out late tonight.”

  “You, too,” she muttered, phasing through her door to go inside. Jasper chuckled at her lazy use of the ability.

  He never used it like that, preferring to conserve his magic. She hadn’t when they followed her in New York. This new, lazy use of magic was a recent development. Something that she started doing when they finally took and kept the inhibitor off her.

  When he was done with Vincent and Elijah, who were having no luck convincing any Reader to come in and help them, he made it back to his own room. He ignored Zander and just fell onto the stiff, awful motel mattress.

  Work-wise, the day felt wasted.

  In terms of his friendship and maybe something more with Sawyer? He thought that maybe there might have been some progress made. The case just wasn’t the time to dwell on it. It would be revisited though, now that he knew more about her feelings, that was certain.

  18

  Sawyer

  She was ready, as the sun went down. She was happy the IMPO used all-black uniforms, meaning she didn’t need to pack clothes for just things like this. Cut down on the size of her suitcase.

  She wasn’t looking forward to this, but she would do it. She would do what she was good at to get the answers the team needed. She just wished she was good enough at anything else that was good, that would be useful, instead of a B and E. On a sheriff’s office of all things.

  Just
like old times, she snorted to herself internally. Break in to some officer of the law’s work space or home and learn all about him. Great.

  Jasper and Vincent walked out of Vincent’s room at just before midnight and she gave them both a once over. Vincent wasn’t coming tonight, but the entire team was going to be on standby for this in case she and Jasper needed a fast out. They looked good, and Jasper looked ready, decked in his all black uniform. Vincent carried two ski masks, and Sawyer, while knowing they were necessary, wasn’t looking forward to wearing them during the hot Texas night.

  “Ready?” Vincent asked her, and she nodded in response. “Good. I’m going to drop you both off about a block away from the sheriff’s office. I recommend you get cloaked when you both get a bit closer. Jasper learned where the cameras in the building are, and he’ll direct you to the best ways of getting around them if you don’t want to hold the cloak.”

  “Are you going to wait at the drop off point?” She met his eyes and he shook his head.

  “I’m going to drive a little way out of town and come back around. One hour. That’s all you two get. They can think I drove to another town with you guys to look at something and then came back. But the pickup location will be the same as drop off to make it easy.”

  “If that’s all,” Jasper cut in, “let’s get moving.”

  They loaded up. She and Jasper sat in the back together and none of them said a word as they jumped out at drop off. She pulled on the ski mask and looked to Jasper as Vincent drove off.

  “Hope you can keep up,” she told him.

  “I’ve done this before,” he responded with a soft chuckle. She just stared at him for a moment. “Surprised? I normally do this with Vincent. This isn’t the first time we’ve needed intel and had to get it by less-than-moral means.”