by Joan Jonker
Katy’s eyes were wide and shining. ‘What happened? Did Bob change it?’
‘Yer should have been there, queen, it was bloody hilarious. Bob was as red as a beetroot and spitting feathers. I thought he was going to have a heart attack right in front of us. And all over a ruddy chop!’ Rita’s bosom began to bounce. ‘Can yer just see the headlines in the Echo, queen? BUTCHER KILLED BY MUTTON CHOP.’
The only one who didn’t see the joke was Dolly Armstrong. While they were all laughing their heads off, she was thinking of ways to get even with her friend. She’d take her down a peg or two if it killed her.
Rita took a few deep breaths and then continued, ‘How Bob kept his patience with her I’ll never know. If it had been me I’d have hit her with the ruddy things. Anyway, Bob took the chops off the scale, walked to the window and picked out another one. He laid the three on the counter, moved them around until we were all dizzy, then asked Dolly to pick out the one she didn’t like.’
Molly cupped her chin in her hand. Who’d have thought you could get such a laugh out of a mutton chop? Wait until Jim came back from his break and she told him. ‘And was she able to pick it out?’
‘Oh, wait until yer hear this, Molly, this is the funniest part of the lot.’ Rita glanced at Dolly, who was looking down at her feet. At least she would have been looking down at her feet if her bust hadn’t been so big and she could have seen them. ‘My mate here pointed to the chop in the middle and said, “That’s the one. It didn’t come from the same sheep as the other two. If this lot weren’t so ignorant they’d see that for themselves”.’
‘Fancy you knowing that, Mrs Armstrong,’ Katy said. ‘Aren’t yer clever?’
‘Clever be buggered!’ Rita snorted. ‘Even though he had a full shop, Bob said he didn’t want to rush her, so to take her time and tell him which two she wanted. And when she’d finally made up her mind, he turned the two of them over. On the back of one of them was a bit of paper he’d stuck on. She’d only chosen the one that she’d caused all the fuss about. So in her shopping bag, right this minute, is a chop she’ll be giving her feller for his dinner tomorrow, even though she thinks it might poison him.’
‘I don’t think it’ll poison him!’ Dolly had eventually come to life. ‘I wouldn’t give my Arthur anything that would make him ill.’
Rita raised her brows. ‘So, you’re going to eat it yerself, then?’
Dolly had the grace to blush. ‘Well, no, I won’t be doing that, I’d be retching with every mouthful. But if I think it’s off when I smell it, I won’t give it to Arthur – that wouldn’t be fair.’
‘By the way, did your Arthur ever get his new set of false teeth?’ Molly asked. ‘I keep meaning to ask yer, then I forget.’
‘No, not yet. We’ve never had the money.’
‘Well, if that flamin’ chop is off, it’ll be a ruddy slow death,’ Rita sniggered. ‘He’ll be hours sucking the meat off the bleedin’ bone.’
‘How come ye’re always making fun of my feller?’ Dolly asked. Her temper had been simmering slowly, now it boiled over. ‘Yer never hear me making fun of yours.’
‘It’s you what gives me the ammunition to make fun of your feller,’ Rita retorted. ‘If you didn’t open yer mouth, I wouldn’t know what he got up to.’
‘Well, I’m bloody sure your feller isn’t the ruddy saint yer make him out to be. If he was, he’d be wearing a flamin’ halo.’ Getting into her stride now, and nodding to emphasise the strength of her feelings, Dolly said, ‘According to you, he never says a word out of place, never puts a foot wrong and waits on yer hand and foot. He’s such a bloody goodie-goodie, he’d get on me bleedin’ wick if I had to live with him. Dull as ditch-water, I’d say, wouldn’t see a joke if it stopped him in the bleedin’ street and asked him the time.’
Molly’s and Katy’s eyes were wide and their lips pursed as they waited for Rita’s retaliation. It should be good when it came because she’d never let Dolly get away with that. But to their amazement Rita’s head fell back and she roared with laughter. As she rocked back, she fell against the counter and her arm caught on a jar. If it hadn’t been for the speed with which Katy moved, a whole jar of liquorice sticks would have fallen to the ground and smashed to smithereens. The incident sobered Molly up, but only for as long as it took Katy to move the jar to a place of safety on the back shelf.
Rita rubbed the back of her hand across her eyes as her laughter gave way to hiccups. ‘Oh, Dolly, Dolly, Dolly! What would I do without me Saturday afternoon laughs? If it makes yer feel better, ye’re right about my feller, he is as dull as ditch-water. He never says a word out of place because he seldom opens his mouth, and how can he put a foot wrong when he never gets off his bleedin’ backside? And as for waiting on me hand and foot, he can’t even wait on his bleedin’ self! I won’t say he never makes me laugh because he does, but not by telling me funny jokes. Some of the things he gets up to – well, if I didn’t laugh I’d end up in the loony bin.’
Dolly didn’t know how to take this confession and was suspicious. ‘How can he make yer laugh if he doesn’t do anything funny? I think this is another one of yer tricks, Rita Williams, and ye’re having me on.’
‘Yeah, I was thinking the same thing,’ Molly said, wishing the two women who were now pushing the shop door open would do the rest of their shopping first and come back when she wasn’t so involved. If she didn’t hear the outcome of this tale she’d never get a wink of sleep tonight. ‘What does he do that makes yer laugh but isn’t funny?’
‘Have yer got twenty-four hours, Molly? ’Cos that’s how long it would take. For instance, last Sunday he was still in bed when I was going to Mass so I left an egg and some bread on a plate and shouted up to him to see to his own breakfast.’ Rita broke off as the memory brought forth more laughter. ‘When I got back from church, d’yer know what the silly bugger had done? And his face was so serious when he was telling me, yer’d have thought there’d been a death in the family. He’d made himself a pot of tea and buttered the bread, then sat down to enjoy his breakfast. The trouble was, when he sliced the top off the egg it ran all over his hands and trousers because he hadn’t boiled the bleedin’ thing.’
The two new customers had been impatient at first, thinking it would do Molly more good to look after her customers than stand gabbing. But they couldn’t help but overhear what was being said and they joined in the laughter. ‘All men are bloody useless,’ one cried. ‘Mine can’t boil an egg, either!’
‘Ay, watch it, Mrs Jackson,’ Molly laughed. ‘I’ll tell your feller what yer said when he comes in for his two ounces and the Echo.’
Rita wasn’t to be outdone. After all, this was her show and she wasn’t having anyone else getting in on the act. ‘I bet your feller knows how to light a fire, though? Mine does it all the wrong way around. Puts the coal on first, each piece lovingly laid, with the tongs, mind you, in case he gets his lily-white hands dirty. Then comes the firewood, followed by screwed-up pieces of newspaper. He uses nearly a box of matches to set light to the paper, then gets all upset because the paper doesn’t light the wood, and the coal is wondering why it was put in the grate in the first place when it was quite happy in the coal-scuttle. And after half an hour on his knees, willing the fire to light, my dearly beloved gets really upset and takes it as a personal insult.’
Dolly was as happy as could be, listening to someone else’s husband getting pulled to pieces for a change. From the sound of things, her Arthur was a gift from God. When she got home she’d give him the best kiss he’d had since the day they got married. ‘My husband was in the Scouts,’ she boasted. ‘He can make a fire by rubbing two twigs together.’
Rita turned away for a second to wipe the smile off her face. Then she faced her friend. ‘Don’t be taking advantage of me good nature, girl, or I’ll clock yer one. My husband is every bit as good as yours, any day, and don’t yer dare let me hear yer saying otherwise.’
Katy’s laughter rang out. ‘T
hat’s more like it! You two were getting so lovey-dovey yer had me worried. I thought I was going to have to change your nickname from the “terrible twins” to the “polite pair”.’
The two friends looked at each other and pulled faces. Then Rita said, ‘I know what we’ll do, queen, seeing as we both like the girl and would want to make her happy. I’ll give yer a black eye, eh?’
Dolly grinned. ‘Yeah, after I’ve knocked a couple of yer front teeth out.’
‘Oh Mam, yer look lovely!’ Katy beamed as she closed the shop door behind her. ‘Did yer manage to get me a new dress, as well?’
‘I did, sunshine, and it’s just as nice as this one. Yer don’t think I’d get one for meself and leave you out, do yer?’
‘No, I know yer wouldn’t do that, Mam.’ Katy gave her a big hug before smiling up at John. ‘She looks great, doesn’t she, Mr Kershaw?’
His eyes were smiling when he said, ‘I’ve been told off half a dozen times for paying your mother compliments, Katy, so I’d better keep silent.’
‘Well, I haven’t been told off,’ Billy said, ‘so I’ll say yer look nice, Mrs Baker. You and Katy look more like sisters.’
‘Now, that is a compliment,’ Dot laughed. ‘Give this boy the best seat in the cinema for his chivalry.’
They began walking, Katy and Billy in front, Colin walking between his mother and John. ‘I hope yer tell me I look nice in my new dress, Billy Harlow.’ Katy looked sideways at him, a glint of mischief in her eyes. ‘If yer know what’s good for yer, yer’ll tell me I look nice even if I look a sight.’
‘Yer look nice in yer new dress, Katy.’
‘Not now, soft lad, wait until yer’ve seen it.’
‘Yer always look nice to me, a new dress won’t make no difference.’
Colin pulled on his mother’s dress. ‘Ay, Mam, just listen to those two soppy beggars in front. Make yer sick, wouldn’t it?’
‘I’ll remind yer of that in a couple of years, sunshine, when yer find yerself a girlfriend. Yer’ll have changed yer tune by then.’
I wish you’d change your tune about Mr Kershaw, the boy thought. He’d give anything for you to be his girlfriend if you’d only give him the chance. And if you did become his girlfriend, then you’d get married and he’d live with us all the time.
Colin’s mind was still on the subject when they reached the picture house and he decided to give Mr Kershaw a helping hand. So when the usherette showed them to their seats he watched Billy go in first, followed by Katy, then he quickly ducked around his mother and was halfway along the row before she realised what was happening. It was too late to do anything about it then, without causing a fuss. So it was that John found himself sitting next to Dot and sharing an armrest with her.
‘I’d like to call in and see Mary on our way home.’
‘Hang on a minute, John, while I give this pie to Katy. She must be starving.’ Dot leaned across her son and passed a white bag over. ‘Here yer are, sunshine, it’ll keep the hunger off till we get home.’ Then she leaned back in her seat. ‘What were yer saying about Mary?’
‘I called in to see Tom Campbell before going to the shops. When you said Mary wasn’t going home until Monday, I thought it best to get some money off him. He didn’t want to part with any, but I got fifteen shillings off him. I wanted more, but he said that’s all he ever gives her.’
‘He wasn’t lying, that’s all she gets. It was good of yer to do that, John, because I know Mary’s been worried sick.’
‘How on earth does she manage on fifteen shillings a week? That wouldn’t go anywhere near paying for rent, gas, coal, food and clothing. And now she’s got a baby they’ll never manage. They’ll starve to death.’
‘You’ve seen how she lives. She never buys clothes, is careful about using gas, never lights a fire unless the weather’s really cold, and then she only lights it just before he comes in. She feeds him, but doesn’t eat enough herself to keep a sparrow alive.’ The lights began to dim and Dot put a finger to her lips. ‘We’ll talk later.’ She felt his arm pressing against hers on the arm-rest and quickly decided it wasn’t big enough for both of them, so she folded her hands on her lap.
The big picture was gripping. Charles Laughton’s acting was magnificent. But the character he played, Captain Bligh, was hard and cruel. If a member of the crew dared to displease him he would have him flogged to within an inch of his life. And everytime the whip tore at the unfortunate seaman’s bare back, Dot would close her eyes and Colin would sit on the edge of his seat, his eyes like saucers. To add to the excitement, the ship was rolling in heavy seas, storms raging and high waves coming over the side and sweeping men out to sea. But the captain had no sympathy for his crew, and anyone leaving their posts would be tied to the mast and left there until they died.
But no film could have a baddie without a goodie, and he came in the form of Clark Gable playing the part of Fletcher Christian. He was handsome, tough, and on the side of the crew. But even the film hero was no match for the wicked captain. And when the crew began to mutiny, the violence was all too much for Dot. She closed her eyes and was biting on her nails until John pulled her hand away and held it in his. And to his delight she let it stay there without a murmur.
Colin heard a low cry from his sister and took his eyes off the screen to glance to his right. There was Katy, eyes screwed up and gripping Billy’s arm. That’s just like a girl, the boy thought, they can’t take any excitement. He turned to tell his mother that her daughter was a daft article, but the words never left his mouth. A grin came to his face and his heart soared when he saw Mr Kershaw was holding his mother’s hand and getting away with it. He might get a thick ear off her later, when she came to her senses, but the look on the big man’s face told Colin he would face the wrath of Captain Bligh just to savour these few moments of bliss.
Before getting wrapped up in the film again, Colin wondered if there were any other frightening films he could ask his mam to take him to. And Mr Kershaw, of course, because there’d be no point without him there, would there? I mean, if he wasn’t there to hold his mother’s hand they might as well go and see a Shirley Temple picture.
Chapter Twenty-One
They came out of the darkness of the Broadway picture house into dazzling sunlight, and grouped on the pavement until their eyes adjusted to the brightness. ‘What a beautiful evening it is, D.D.’
Dot nodded in agreement but kept her eyes averted. She felt so embarrassed and ashamed, she didn’t know where to put herself. Fancy a woman of thirty-seven years of age acting like a seventeen-year-old, letting a man hold her hand in the darkness of a cinema. Her Ted used to do it when they were courting, but she was a mere slip of a girl then. John must think she was a fine one, throwing herself at him like that.
‘Wow! Ay, Mam, look at all these people waiting to get into the second house.’ Colin gestured towards the queue of people which was so long it stretched past the picture house and disappeared down a side street. ‘Some hopes they’ve got – they’ll never all get in there, not in a million years.’
‘Yer’d be surprised, sunshine, there’s an awful lot of seats in there. I’d say they’re all in with a good chance.’
‘I don’t half wish I was going in again; it was the best picture I’ve ever seen. It knocked Tom Mix and all the cowboys and Indians into a cocked hat.’ Colin was skipping along beside his mother reliving the most exciting moments. ‘I hated that Captain Bligh, he was horrible. He deserved to be put in that little boat after what he’d done. I wish the boat had toppled over in the storm and he got eaten by sharks.’
‘You’re bloodthirsty, you are, our Colin,’ Katy said, walking a few steps behind with Billy, ‘I couldn’t even watch when those men were being whipped.’
‘That’s ’cos ye’re a cissy. It was a waste of good money you going, ’cos yer had yer eyes closed most of the time and missed half the picture.’ There was devilment in his eyes and smile. ‘I saw yer hanging on to Billy for de
ar life. It’s a wonder to me he’s got any blinkin’ arm left.’
‘Me arm’s still in one piece, Colin, so don’t be worrying about me,’ Billy said. ‘It’ll be black and blue by tomorrow and me mam will probably want to call the police to Katy for battering her lovely son, but I don’t care ’cos I enjoyed gettin’ battered.’
‘You would, ’cos ye’re as soppy as our Katy is.’
‘All right, that’s enough now.’ Dot put her arm on his shoulders and turned him to face the front. If her son had seen John holding her hand, and he mentioned it, she’d skin him alive. She felt bad enough as it was without him making a joke about it. She couldn’t look the man in the face she was that ashamed. What had come over her, or quite how it happened, she didn’t know. But she’d make sure it didn’t happen again. ‘It was a good picture, no doubt about that. The acting was brilliant. But I’ve got to admit it wasn’t my cup of tea. I’d rather have a comedy or a romance, something that puts a smile on me face, not one that puts the fear of God in me heart and gives me nightmares.’
‘I thoroughly enjoyed the film, thought it was excellent,’ John said, winking at Colin. ‘And I enjoyed the company most of all.’
‘Aye, well, ye’re easily pleased, aren’t yer!’ Dot knew she had to look at him some time, she couldn’t pretend he wasn’t there. So she turned her head and asked, ‘What about this ladyfriend of yours? Why don’t yer ever take her to the pictures?’
Colin stopped dead in his tracks. ‘What ladyfriend? Mr Kershaw hasn’t got no ladyfriend, have yer, Mr Kershaw?’
‘Yes, I suppose in a manner of speaking, I have, Colin.’ The look he gave the boy was full of meaning and took away the frown from the young forehead. ‘But like your mother she prefers weepy films. And anyway, she doesn’t go out much in the evenings because she has two children and she won’t leave them. Devoted mother, she is.’
