by Luxe, Eva
“Let’s look at one more house,” Jacob suggested.
Kina sighed. He wasn’t going to stop until he got what he wanted. It was how he was. She knew that. She knew the man she’d married. She wanted to make him happy and be the submissive wife, but she didn’t have it in her. It wasn’t the point of the relationship, anyway.
They drove home. The silence in the car was uncomfortable. Jacob had a feeling that something was wrong, something bigger than Kina just not liking the house. He didn’t know how to ask her without getting into an argument. Lately, Kina had been difficult to speak to. She’d been very moody because of the pregnancy. He felt like they did have to have it out, though.
When they stopped at home, Kina got out of the car and walked into the house. She wasn’t in the mood for conversation. She was tired and cranky, her feet hurt, and she wanted to lie down. During the week, she still had work. It was the weekend, and she wanted to relax.
Jacob followed her to the bedroom. Kina lay down on the bed, watching him sit down. The mattress dipped under his weight.
“I know you don’t like going to see open houses,” Jacob said. “But it’s the only way we’re going to be able to find the house we like. One is going to jump out at us. I just feel it.”
Kina sighed. “Can we not do this? This house jumped out at us, and we are happy. We put so much into this house, only to leave it behind when we move on. Does that make sense to you?”
“Yes, it does,” Jacob said, frowning. “You do hear people who stay in the same place for the rest of their lives, but I’ve never been like that. Did you grow up in the same house all your life?”
Kina shook her head. “No, we moved around a bit when I was a child. But we are adults here, now. We can choose whether we want to move or not.”
“I thought that was what we wanted,” Jacob said.
Kina closed her eyes. “Maybe it’s not what I want.”
“What do you mean?” Jacob asked. “I thought we talked about this.”
“No, what we talked about was that this was what you wanted. We never talked about if this was what I wanted.”
“I was under the impression we wanted the same thing,” he said. “I assumed that if it wasn’t what you wanted, you would have told me.”
Kina shrugged. She didn’t feel like having this conversation right now. She was tired and irritated, and Jacob had been pushing the idea of a new house for a while. All she wanted to do was rest.
“Were the issues you had with the house we just saw real? Or are they just excuses not to take it?”
Kina opened her eyes and shot Jacob a look. “Don’t you think I would have told you if that was how I felt?”
“Well, obviously not,” he said. “You haven’t exactly been open with me about this. I’m only finding out now that you think this might be a bad idea. That, to me, is the definition of ‘not telling me how you feel.’”
Kina rolled her eyes. Jacob had a point. She wasn’t communicating with him. But there was so much going on in her life right now, and the pregnancy took so much out of her, that she just didn’t feel up to facing him.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me,” Jacob said. “Why are you looking at it like this? I’m starting to get the idea that you don’t want to move at all, and that none of the houses will ever be good enough for you.”
“Jacob, I’m not in the mood for this.” All Kina wanted to do was sleep. She wanted to sleep until her pregnancy was over, until the question of a new house went away.
“Well, when will you be in the mood for this?” he asked. “Let’s make a date to talk about it.”
Kina was getting angry. “This is not some business appointment that you need to make with me. I’m your wife, for God’s sake.”
“I don’t want to just leave it. If you don’t want to talk about it now, fine, but I think we do need to speak about it at some point. Let’s choose a time so we can revisit this.”
Kina shook her head, and her eyes closed. “I’m not going to do this with you. I know your whole life is built around schedules and routines, but I won’t be the one to fit into them the way you want me to.”
Jacob was getting angry, too. He was usually the one to explode first, but Kina wasn’t as good at controlling her emotions now.
“This is not about routines and schedules. This is about our future.” Jacob’s voice was raising. If they weren’t careful, this was going to become one of those volatile fights that they’d been having lately.
“Don’t shout at me, Jacob. I’m not going to do this if you’re going to be childish about it.”
“I’m being childish about this? You’re the one not speaking to me about something. You’re letting me believe that you want to move, when all along, you don’t. That’s not very mature to me.”
“I can’t believe you’re bringing maturity into this,” Kina said.
“You started it,” Jacob said. “It’s just a fucking house, Kina. I don’t understand what the problem is.”
“I don’t see the point in moving. We worked so hard and put so much money into this house, and we really don’t need that much space. I’m happy here.”
Jacob took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “We can be just as happy in a new house,” he said.
“But I want to be happy in this house,” Kina said. “I feel like you’re so eager to move on that you’re leaving what we put together behind. Is that what you want? Are we always going to move forward and never look back?”
Jacob shook his head. “That’s not what it’s about. I’m excited about having another baby, about moving on and up in life with you. Why is that so wrong?”
“How can you create a home if you keep hopping from one house to another?”
“It’s just one house!” he said. “It’s not like we are moving every year.”
“Well, I don’t want to move at all,” she said. “Any year. I don’t think it’s fair of you to push me into this. We’re supposed to agree on something before we do it.”
“And, if I don’t agree with you about staying? What then?”
Kina covered her face with her hands and counted to ten in her head. They always said that it worked, but it wasn’t helping her temper at all. Jacob was being a pain about this. Why couldn’t he just leave it?
Kina couldn’t carry on talking about this. Luckily, the doorbell rang, and it was Kina’s mother, bringing back their son after babysitting for them. Jacob had to put on a calm face, pretending that everything was fine. At least, spending time with their toddler always put him in a better mood. He loved being a father. Everything was about the child. The way he grew and played and learned to understand life was fascinating. It distracted Jacob enough for the rest of the day.
When it was time to go to bed, Kina wasn’t in the main bedroom. Jacob walked through the house, looking for her. When he found her, she was in bed in the spare bedroom, already asleep. She hadn’t said good night, hadn’t told him that she was going to bed, and the fact that she was in the spare bedroom sent a clear message to him. Kina wasn’t going to sleep next to him tonight.
That just pissed Jacob off. It was bad enough that this had gotten as big as it did. Now that she had chosen to sleep in a different room, she had made it very clear exactly where they stood on this. They were not okay. A part of Jacob was sad about it, but the anger trumped that.
For a moment, Jacob considered waking her up and having it out with her. He wanted to know why she was being ridiculous about it. Why couldn’t she just speak to him? Why couldn’t they just come to a compromise? Instead, she was sleeping in a different room, so angry with him that she didn’t want to see his face. Was it really that bad?
He decided not to wake her up. He knew she was exhausted with the pregnancy and all, and even though he was angry, he wasn’t going to be a dick. So, he walked to the main bedroom alone, getting into bed and switching off the light. At least she was still at home.
Jacob lay in the dark, unable to sleep. He d
idn’t understand why this was turning into such a big thing. He didn’t see what Kina’s problem was with the new house. He was always excited to move to a new place. They had the money to move forward. In the long run, it would benefit the children if they were close to a school of their choosing. Those were all pros, and despite all Kina’s criticisms about the houses they had gone to see together, Jacob couldn’t find a single con to moving to a new house. The only negative thing he saw about this was how Kina was reacting to it.
Maybe, though, it was a sign. If his wife wasn’t happy, was it wise to keep pushing this? At the same time, he didn’t want to concede. Why did he have to give in when she was unhappy? Why couldn’t it be the other way around?
Without having any of the answers to his questions, Jacob finally fell asleep, alone in his own bed.
Chapter 8
When Kina woke up, she felt bad. Maybe she had taken it too far. Yes, she was upset with him, but was it enough to warrant sleeping in the spare bedroom? There was nothing that could be done about it now. The night was over, and she hadn’t slept next to Jacob.
She heard Jacob and Nate downstairs in the kitchen and walked down to join them. When she walked into the kitchen, Jacob glanced up at her. He didn’t come to her and kiss her the way he usually did. Kina went over to Nate in his highchair and kissed him on the cheeks. He squealed and gurgled, his little hands tangling in her hair. She laughed, unable to stay angry with the toddler around. Nate was such a ray of sunshine.
Nate already had a bowl of pureed fruit and yogurt in front of him. Jacob had already taken care of him, giving him breakfast. He was still upset, though. Kina couldn’t blame him. She had slept in the spare room, after all.
Kina sat down in the breakfast nook and watched Jacob feed Nate. Jacob was such a good father, dedicated and caring, doing everything a father should do. Yes, he was away a lot of the time, but when he was home, he threw himself into his parenting completely. It was one of the good things about him. There were a lot of good things about Jacob, Kina thought. Just looking at him, his blond hair cropped short, his eyes full of emotion, she could think of a million and one reasons why she married him.
Like the fact that he had been committed to her from the start. Like the fact that he wanted to take care of the family, no matter what. Even the things that happened in his past, his run-in with the law and his assault charge, came from a good place. He had attacked a football player because the man had said something bad about his girlfriend at the time. The fact that it had been true was a moot point.
Kina knew that she had a good man. She didn’t want to fight with him.
“Did you sleep okay?” Jacob asked after they sat in strained silence for a while.
“Yes, I did. Thank you.” More strained silence.
Jacob took a deep breath, like he was preparing himself. “I’m sorry,” he said. Kina blinked at him. “I don’t want to fight with you,” he continued. “I’m sorry it went that far.”
Kina nodded slowly. It means a lot to her when Jacob was the first to apologize. As great as he was, he had a lot of arrogance and pride, and she was very often the first person to say that she was sorry.
“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m glad you feel this way about it. I thought we were going to go back and forth about this for days, but if you see where I’m coming from, and you agree—”
Jacob shook his head. “What do you mean?”
“I mean your apology,” Kina said. “The whole moving thing is so unnecessary, getting between us when we don’t need this right now.”
Nate made a mess of his bowl, knocking it over, and Jacob interrupted the conversation to clean it up. It was endearing, attractive, and hot even.
“I don’t think you understand what I’m saying,” Jacob said when the chaos was under control. “I haven’t changed my mind. I still want to move. I’m just so sorry that we fought about it.”
Kina blinked at Jacob. Was he really going to keep going at this? She had felt bad when she woke up that she had chosen to sleep in a different room, but deep down inside, she had hoped that it would change his mind. Was it manipulative? Yes. But she didn’t want to move, and now, he was still on the topic.
“So, we’re going to go look at more houses, decide which one you like, pack up our lives, and move to a new place where we have to create new memories?” she asked. “A place that doesn’t belong to us the way that this one does?”
Jacob sighed, exasperated. “Why can’t we just talk about it, Kina?”
Kina’s face was void of emotion, her whole attitude distant and switched off. He hated when she became like this. If you wanted to talk about anything with her, this was not the attitude to do it in. Most of the time, Jacob and Kina could figure things out. They were happily married, with a child and another baby on the way. They had made things work until now. But Kina had her off days, and when she did, she was very difficult.
It looked like today was one of those days.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she said.
Not one of those days, Jacob thought. He walked to the fridge and prepared another bowl of food for Nate. It was easier to focus on the trivial things, the small things that needed to be done around the house, than the big things that were difficult to figure out. They were both quiet as he moved around the kitchen. Kina wasn’t eating, he noticed, but he wasn’t going to say anything about it.
“Let me,” Kina said when he put the new bowl in front of Nate. She got up out of the breakfast nook, and Jacob let her take over.
The atmosphere was strained again, the silence growing between them until it was deafening. The only sound in the room was the gurgling noises Nate made, eating and spitting, happily unaware of how difficult things were right now. He wouldn’t even know if he was in a new house or not. This was solely between Jacob and Kina.
Jacob looked at his wristwatch. “I have to get going. I have training with the boys.”
Kina nodded, not looking at him. “Let me know when you’re on your way back. Just so I know.”
Jacob nodded. He walked to her, planting a kiss on her cheek before he left the kitchen. No matter how much they fought, he still wanted Kina to know that he loved her more than anything. All of this–a new house, a great neighborhood–was for her and Nate. He wanted his family to have the best. Why couldn’t she see that he was trying to take care of them and let it be?
When Jacob was gone, Kina could breathe easier. It wasn’t always this strained when they fought, but this was a bad one. It hadn’t turned into a screaming match or anything, but somehow, he felt farther away than ever. She hated it when they were so distant from each other, especially if he was in town. He was physically away from her often enough.
But she didn’t want to buckle on this. Jacob wasn’t trying to understand how she felt. It was important to her that he cared about her feelings, not just about what he wanted. She understood that he was trying to take care of his family, that he wanted them to be safe and happy and comfortable. What he didn’t seem to understand was that she had all of that already.
After breakfast, Kina took Nate to change his diaper before she set him up in the playroom. She looked around. The room was still a work in progress, a vision that she had when Nate was older. The walls were painted red and blue, the beige carpet plush, with box shelves and cabinets against the walls. These would be filled with toys and books in due time as Nate developed a taste in what he liked. If they moved now, Kina would have to start all over again. Everything in this house was ready–the baby room, the playroom, her and Jacob’s offices–and it felt like a shame to have to start from scratch.
Kina watched Nate in his play pen when her phone rang. Lauren’s name flashed on the caller ID, and she was relieved that it was her friend.
“I can’t tell you how good it is to hear from you,” she said into the phone.
“You wouldn’t believe it, but you’re not the first person to tell me so this week.” Lauren laughed.
/>
“Are more people crying on your shoulder?” Kina asked. “Because that’s what I want to do.”
“What’s wrong?” Lauren asked. She sounded concerned. Lauren was a great friend, always ready to listen, always ready with good advice. In the past two years, Kina had gotten as close to her as Sadie was. It was easy to see why Sadie and Lauren were such good friends. Lauren was made of all the right stuff.
“Jacob wants to move,” Kina explained. “He wanted a new house close to the schools that we want Nate and the new baby at eventually, but I don’t see the point of doing it now. He’s so serious about it, we’re actually fighting.”
“I take it that you don’t want to move?” Lauren asked. “Only at this moment, or ever?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought that far. All I know is that I don’t want to move right now. I’m happy here. Nate was born in this house, and Jacob and I got this place together. It’s the first thing we really did as a serious couple.”
“Don’t you think that maybe that’s the problem?” Lauren asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, maybe you don’t want to leave because you’re sentimental about the place. Am I right?”
Lauren was right, Kina realized. Of course, she was. Lauren was very seldom wrong. This was about sentimental value, about memories, about the house being the first step Jacob and Kina had taken together. She didn’t just want to leave it behind like it meant nothing. When she said as much, Lauren listened quietly until she was done.
“I don’t think Jacob sees it that way,” she said. “I think he sees you buying a bigger home, accommodating a bigger family, as another step as a team. He’s not leaving anything behind. He’s building on what you already have.”
