by Georgie Lee
She hugged him, hoping he was right.
* * *
It was well after dark by the time Justin returned home from another day of scouring London for Lord Rockland’s libations. His father’s gig sat out front and whatever brief ease he’d found in his work today vanished as his shoulders and neck tightened. He was in no mood for his father’s acid tonight. He thought of turning around, climbing back in the chaise and going to the Rathbones’, but he wasn’t a man to run from his problems. He’d face them, as he always did, but with a little less humour tonight.
Justin strode into the sitting room, dug some coins from his pocket and held them out to his father. ‘Here, take the shillings and be gone.’
His father waved the money away. ‘I don’t want money.’
Justin pocketed the coins, eyeing his father suspiciously. Something about him seemed different tonight. ‘What do you want?’
‘To talk to you.’
Ice crept through his veins. The last time his father had sought him out to talk had been to tell him his infant sister hadn’t survived and neither had his mother.
‘Is Susanna all right?’ Panic nearly sent him hurling from the room and up the stairs to check on her.
‘She’s well, but she ain’t all right.’ He sounded weary and for once his hands didn’t shake, nor did the agitation which usually marked his visits send him grumbling and pacing across the room. He was the calm, steady man Justin remembered from his youth and for a moment Justin saw the shadow of his childhood, before his mother had died, when the three of them had been happy and his father had been his hero. ‘I spoke with her this afternoon.’
The fact his father and wife enjoyed a confidence startled him as much as his father refusing the coins. ‘I didn’t think you two were on such intimate terms.’
‘I’ve been coming here for tea for a while now, always when you’re gone. We decided not to tell you. Wanted it to be our secret.’
‘Yes, she’s good at keeping secrets.’ He wondered what else she was upstairs hiding. If he hadn’t seen the bank account for the dowry, he’d wonder if the fifteen hundred pounds were real or another one of her lies. ‘She’s told you, then?’
‘Aye, she has.’
Justin crossed his arms. ‘Go ahead, belittle me for trying to rise above my station, tell me I deserve to be made to look like an idiot by the better sort.’
‘I won’t, because you don’t deserve it. She’s been telling me about your shop and the clients you’ve got.’ Pride coloured his father’s words. ‘I went there once and she showed me the cellar and the front room. She’s done it up very pretty, tells me you’re to supply Lord Rockland with wine for his masque.’
Justin lowered his hands. He couldn’t believe after so many years of insulting him for wanting to better himself, his father was praising him now. ‘I thought you said I wasn’t good enough for such things?’
‘I was wrong to say it,’ his father admitted, knocking Justin more off centre than any of Philip’s or his trainer’s punches. The man he’d once admired was standing in front of him again. ‘I was jealous of you, afraid if you made something of yourself, you’d look down on me. I was wrong to treat you the way I did, to blame you when it was me who was at fault. The young lady made me see it. It’s why I can’t condemn her for what she’s done. She was kind to me when I was making my mistakes. I can’t help but be kind to her and you.’
Justin stared at his father in disbelief. He’d waited years to hear this kind of apology, hoped his patience would bring it about, but it hadn’t. Susanna, the woman who’d deceived him, had caused this. He should be glad for it, but it was tainted by everything else he was mired in.
‘What you’re dealing with ain’t easy,’ his father offered. ‘But don’t let this trouble come between the two of you. You’re a good and caring man, keep being one where she and the child are concerned. She’s already worn thin worrying about how you’ll treat her. Such a thing is dangerous to a woman in her condition.’
The worry which had gripped him at Philip’s similar warning seized him again. She might die in childbirth, whether it was with his baby or another man’s. He couldn’t shake free of the possibility, or how much losing her would reopen the hole in his life he hadn’t realised existed until he’d met her. It didn’t move him to forgiveness, but increased the cut of her deception. All the time he’d been falling for her and coming to rely on her support, she’d been lying to him.
‘Put aside your anger like I should’ve done all those years ago after your mother died. Instead, I wallowed in my grief and you suffered because of it. Don’t turn into me.’ His father tapped his hat over his grey hair and made for the door. Mr Green rose from his place in the hall to follow him out into the night.
Justin didn’t stop him, he couldn’t. He hadn’t expected this any more than what Lady Rockland had told him about the child. The change Susanna had wrought in his father was nothing short of a miracle and an answer to at least one of his long-held wishes. Whether she’d done it to ease her guilty conscience or for a nobler reason he wasn’t sure and he wasn’t ready to find out.
He wandered to his study and dropped down into the leather chair, catching Walter’s curious glance from the doorway before the valet hurried away. They knew. Servants always knew gossip first and now his father did, too. Yet the one man he’d expected to laugh the loudest at his misfortune had pitied him and advised him with as much insight as Philip.
He took up the whisky and poured himself a healthy measure, then drained the glass. It didn’t matter how much the smoky liquor fogged his brain tonight, it was already muddled beyond reason. He grabbed the decanter and filled the glass again. If she’d told him the truth before the wedding, he could have recommended her to Philip’s charity. They would have looked after her and the child as they did all the other unfortunate women whose husbands and fathers had fallen into debt and left them in dire straits. It would’ve meant leaving her and all the hope he’d felt in her presence behind, abandoning the one person who’d believed in him and his dream.
He stared into the tawny liquid, his thirst gone.
She’d made him happier than he’d been in years, working alongside him in the shop. He’d accused her of not caring for him and lying simply to save her own hide and that of the child’s, but she’d befriended his father before Justin had discovered her secret, working to bring about a change not to redeem herself, but to help him. It made the veracity of his accusation difficult to maintain. If nothing else, he owed her for this kindness.
He finished the drink, then set the glass on the table with a clunk. He might have been taken for a dupe, but he’d be damned if he’d prove himself any less of a gentleman than the duke. She was his wife and he’d honour the commitment he’d made to her and do right by her and the child the law would view as his. Whether it meant loving them both, especially her, he couldn’t say, but he was stuck with her and would make the best of it, as he’d made the best of his losses after the ship had sunk. He wouldn’t give up and he wouldn’t let this ruin him. He was too good a man and if others couldn’t see it, it didn’t matter. He knew and so did those who cared for him the most, even his lying wife.
* * *
The sound of whispering pulled Susanna from a restless sleep. Light flooded the room and made her blink as she opened her eyes. Justin stood at the foot of her bed. At once she sat up, but the trials of the past few days, the lack of sleep and a proper meal made her stomach rebel and the room spin. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, glad when she opened them to see everything as it should be, except for Justin.
His face was drawn as tight as it’d been the night she’d first met his father. The time he’d spent away from her hadn’t changed anything between them or brought him any closer to forgiving her. It was evident in his hard expression and the stiffness of his hands by his side.
She tugged the coverlet up a little closer to her chest when she noticed the distinguished older gentleman
standing behind Justin and carrying a black leather bag. He was tall with grey hair along his temples and vivid blue eyes which took her in with a strange sort of curiosity.
‘Susanna, this is Dr Hale, Philip’s father-in-law from his first wife.’ Gone was the laughing, smiling Justin she’d come to love. She barely recognised this taciturn man.
‘Good morning,’ the doctor said brightly. ‘Justin tells me you might be with child.’
She let go of the coverlet, stunned someone would announce it in such a merry tone. She’d greeted the news of her pregnancy with nothing but dread.
‘Yes, I believe so,’ she stuttered, amazed Justin would reveal this to a near stranger, even if he was a physician.
‘You two have wasted no time,’ Dr Hale teased as he pulled the chair from the dressing table next to the bed and sat down beside her. He took her wrist and slid a watch out of his waistcoat pocket to check her pulse. ‘When were your last courses?’
Susanna exchanged an uneasy glance with Justin, looking to him for what to say, unsure if she should tell the truth, or try to concoct some lie. If the doctor examined her, he’d know at once she was further along than simply the three weeks since her wedding. ‘The week of Lady Day.’
Dr Hale’s fingers stiffened on her wrist before he released her. He slipped the watch back in his pocket, all business as though he hadn’t calculated the date and realised exactly what it meant. ‘I see.’
Shame weighed on her as much as a lack of rest. This wouldn’t be the first awkward encounter Justin would have to endure because of her mistake. There’d soon be many more when her condition could no longer be hidden, though if he’d wanted to avoid this one, he shouldn’t have brought the doctor here. It didn’t lessen her humiliation at the embarrassment he was forced to endure thanks to her. She was sorry and would have told him so if Dr Hale hadn’t been there. Although no apology could undo the damage her lie had wrought or make him look at her as he had the morning before he’d gone to the Rocklands’.
Dr Hale asked her a few questions and she answered honestly, all the while conscious of Justin’s presence. There was no pretence during the exam to their being a happy couple, not for her sake or Dr Hale’s. If the physician noticed the tension between husband and wife, he never revealed it, maintaining his courteous chatter until, at last satisfied she was well, he snapped his black bag closed.
‘Now get some rest. I’ll return in a few days to see how you’re doing.’
‘I’ll see you out,’ Justin offered.
‘Justin,’ Susanna called, unwilling to let him go. Something had drawn him to her this morning, a care or concern which, for the first time in days, offered some hope of lifting the darkness which surrounded them. If she could draw it out, like the long-buried goodness in his father, perhaps they could begin to repair the rift between them.
Justin hesitated, but didn’t answer. It was Dr Hale who made the decision for him.
‘I’ll wait downstairs.’ Dr Hale strode into the hallway, his steps fading off down the staircase.
‘Why did you summon him?’ Susanna asked, confused.
‘Mrs Robinson tells me you’ve been tired and you haven’t eaten much.’ He might not have seen her these past few days, but he’d taken an interest in her well-being. It should’ve comforted her, but it didn’t. It was probably Mrs Robinson who’d informed him of Susanna’s lack of rest and food, rather than he who’d asked about her.
‘But now he knows.’
‘You’re my wife. It’s my duty to see to your well-being.’
‘Your duty,’ she whispered, understanding why he’d endured humiliation to summon the physician. Like her father, he’d honour his obligation, but there’d be nothing more, no love or the affection they’d shared during the past three weeks. The loneliness of the years when she’d lived with her grandfather and uncle, tolerated instead of cherished, was suddenly fresh again. Bitter tears stung her eyes, but she fought them back, wishing he’d been this way from the beginning. The joy they’d found in one another was gone, leaving nothing but the cold, empty shell of what might have been to taunt her.
‘I must see the doctor out.’ He left before she could stop him. She wasn’t sure he would come back unless some other obligation drove him to it.
She laid her hand on her stomach, trying to summon up the resolve which had carried her through the long years in Oxfordshire and then with the Rocklands. She could endure the heartache and disparagement of a cold spouse. It was the child which worried her. Justin would look on it as her grandfather had looked on her, with grudging acknowledgement, not love, never love. Lady Rockland had stolen the chance from her and the baby. At least the child wouldn’t endure the suffering of being illegitimate. Having lost the love of her husband, it was Susanna’s only consolation.
* * *
‘Congratulations, Justin.’ Dr Hale held out his hand as Justin came down the stairs.
Justin gritted his teeth as he shook the man’s hand. Whatever Dr Hale suspected about the parentage of the baby, he’d decided to ignore it, as he suspected most people would. It was what they’d say behind his and Susanna’s backs he wondered about. Dr Hale wasn’t one to gossip, but many others would. Justin had never cared before, having created more rumours than he could recall, but this burned along the back of his throat and there was nothing to do but silently tolerate it.
‘Is she well?’ Justin asked.
‘Many women suffer from fatigue in the first months of pregnancy. A few days of rest and some good food will see her set to rights very quickly.’
To Justin’s ire, the doctor’s proclamation sent a wave of relief through him. He shouldn’t care whether she felt well or not. She’d never considered his feelings once in the matter. ‘When do you think she’ll be brought to bed?’
‘Early winter, I’d say, though babies have their own schedule and will arrive when they’re good and ready.’
‘Do you think she’ll be delivered safely?’ Justin asked, though there was no physician who could predict such a thing. It was up to nature which women survived and which didn’t and whether the infants joined them or not, just as it’d been up to nature to sink his ship and his last business.
‘She’s young and healthy. I’m sure she’ll come through her confinement. I shouldn’t worry.’ Dr Hale clapped him on the arm. ‘Summon me if there are any problems, though I don’t think there will be.’
‘Thank you, Dr Hale.’
Justin watched Walter close the door behind the doctor. He would go through the motions of being a dutiful husband as he’d gone through the motions of being a dutiful son for years, all the while fighting back the bitter bile of the situation which at his lowest times would creep up to almost consume him.
The whisper of a lady’s step on the stairs made him turn. He expected to see Mrs Robinson, but it was Susanna. She stopped, the hem of her wrapper fluttering around her legs. Over one shoulder her hair fell in a long braid, its darkness echoing in the circles beneath her eyes. In their time together, he’d never thought of her as frail, but seeing her leaning heavily on the banister, Philip’s warning about what might happen if she were brought to bed seared through his mind. Despite Dr Hale’s assurances, Justin worried about her.
‘What are you doing up?’ Justin demanded.
‘I have too much to do to sit in bed all day.’
‘It can wait until tomorrow. You need rest.’ He marched up the stairs, took her by the elbow and gently turned her around. She didn’t fight him, but allowed him to lead her back up to her room.
Her exhaustion was evident in her slow pace and the heaviness of her arm beneath his palm. Dr Hale had said it was to be expected but it raised the worry which had tormented him all night until he’d been forced to summon the physician early this morning in order to put his mind at ease.
They stopped outside her room, Justin making it clear he wouldn’t follow her inside.
‘Will I see you tonight?’ The sadness marking her ques
tions reminded him of the times she’d talked of her childhood. For a moment, he wanted to banish it, but he couldn’t. Nothing right now could make him take her in his arms or forget how she’d deceived him.
‘No, collecting the wines for your father’s party will keep me occupied for some time.’
‘And will we attend the ball?’
With her so tired and pale, he couldn’t imagine forcing her through the rigours of the ball, or the strain of facing her dragon stepmother. Nor could he stand before Lady Rockland and act like some Drury Lane leading man, grinning like an idiot and pretending all was well. Lord Rockland had made it clear there’d be no more support for Justin’s business so there was no point pressing the flesh with the better sort, or putting either of them through the strain of a long evening which might garner them nothing. ‘No. We need to distance ourselves from the Rocklands for good.’
Her shoulders relaxed with a relief he couldn’t share. This one difficulty might be surmounted, but there were many others facing them, along with disappointments. Despite her warning about cultivating the patronage of the haut ton, he’d held on to the hope of securing more clients at the masque. The plan was now as good as dead.
‘I must go.’ Without another word or a kiss goodbye, he made for downstairs. Things might be all confusion, but the simplicity and focus of his work remained. He had a job to do, wines to procure. Even if he despised his client, he’d be damned if he’d fail. He’d never let Philip down in all their years of business. Now he was in charge and he would fail no one, least of all himself. Everything else could wait.
* * *
Susanna dragged herself back to bed, thankful for the soft sheets and pillows. She was tired, wrung out by crying, worry and the demands of the infant growing inside her. Nothing with her and Justin was settled, but a small relief made resting easier. They weren’t going to the masque. He would fulfil her father’s order and then their time, her time, with the Rocklands would finally end. Lady Rockland had done her worst and now Susanna never had to face the evil woman again. Even if she continued with her whispers, the distance between Fleet Street and Grosvenor Square was vast enough to keep Lady Rockland’s vinegar from tainting her life more than it already had. Insulated by his friends and his business, she and Justin would find some way past this. They might never enjoy again the closeness of last week, but they’d find a way to live with one another and make the best of the union. Sleep began to creep over her as she snuggled down beneath the coverlet. No matter what happened between her and Justin, the Rocklands would never be there to trouble them again.
