by Ashley Beale
Parking the car in front of the two story camp, I climb out of the car, trying my best to be quiet. Edison slowly approaches the house with me, and the two of us look through a few windows. The only thing out of place is the fact there are a pair of muddy shoes close to the door. Fiddling with the door knob, I see it’s unlocked and enter into the home. "Paul?" I yell out.
Edison closes the door behind us, and the two of us walk slowly through the home, checking each room as we pass. "Paul, its Eddie and Wes. You here?" I yell up the stairs.
There is a squeak then complete silence. Edison and I look at one another. It’s obvious someone is upstairs and trying desperately to be quiet. We both run up the stairs and enter into the first bedroom. Paul peeks his head up from the side of the bed over to us, a gun in his hand while he shakes out of control. My immediate reaction is to throw my hands in the air, showing Paul we're unarmed and just here to save him.
"Put the gun down, man. We're just here to make sure you're okay."
"How'd you find me?" He asks in a panic.
"You called Edison, you need our help. No one could find you, but I remember bringing you clothes here before. You remember that bud?" I can't tell if he is on drugs, drunk, or just scared shitless. He doesn't look well at all, not with the pale face, shaking body, and sweat covering his hairline.
He slowly drops the gun on the bed in front of him, leaving his hand close by. "Yeah," he says, "I remember."
Edison steps around me and stares over at Paul. "Stand up, we're taking you home."
Paul shakes his head fast. "No, I can't. I can't. They'll find me."
"My dad will help you, man. Come on, we got to get out of here before you are found."
"You shouldn't be here," he says. I hate that he has to be stubborn. I'm risking my life to save his, and he has to be a prick by not even listening to me.
"I'll fucking plant my ass on this bed and won't leave until you're walking along side me. Come on, I'd rather head out of here before your found, not after."
Edison doesn't say much but I can see the pleading on his face. I told him about Trapp on the way here. He hadn't known who exactly was after Paul until now, so I can imagine he isn't doing well knowing at any moment we could be in the line of fire. We both love Paul like our brother and there is no way in hell either one of us is going to leave without him though, so we stand here, waiting for him to give in.
It takes all but five minutes for Paul to finally stand, although shaky. He isn't doing well. "You take anything recently?" I ask.
"I've been clean for two weeks," he tells me. "But I wish to hell I wasn't."
I've never had an addiction, especially not to drugs, so I can't imagine what that’s like. "Well, we'll get you better. Let’s go."
He grabs the gun and puts it into the front of his jeans. When I give him a pissed off look, he shrugs. "Its not even loaded, but its good for show."
I slap my hand on his shoulder as we walk out of the room. "Stop pissing me off, and furthermore, stop trying to scare me. Now let’s get your ass home. To your real home."
Paul pretty much slept the whole ride home, probably feeling relaxed for the first time in forever. Edison looked tense most of the way, and didn't say a whole hell of a lot, but I really wasn't surprised there. I just kept the music low and my focus on the road in front of me. I'm nervous to what my dad is going to say or do about the situation, but I had to save my brother, he couldn't stop me. If I didn't save him now, who knows if he would have come out of this situation alive.
By the time I drop Edison off at his place, its after four in the morning. I bring Paul back to my place, where he plants himself on the couch. He refuses to shower or eat, even with my encouragement to try, and before I know it he is passed out on the couch. Standing in the kitchen, a cold one in my hand, I stare over at him. He is almost unrecognizable, but with the help of dad, Edison, and myself, I'm sure as shit he'll get back to the old man he was.
So long as Trapp or his men never find him.
Once I finish my beer off and let Sharmane out, I find my way to my bed. Tonight I have a feeling I won't be finding sleep. If only I had someone to put me to sleep. Except, shit, I can't think like that. I can't want Hope.
Hope
Mrs. Greene accepted my speech yesterday. In fact, she actually had a few tears in her eyes and thanked me for it. It gave me faith that I could connect with even one or two students during the assembly, which happens to be today. We discussed the contract, and I'll be coming into the school twice a month- once a month as a motivational speaker, and once a month for one on one conversations with students who choose to discuss bullying in private.
Its still not the pay I was hoping for, but its better than nothing. I've decided to look at one or two more schools as well. Mrs. Greene had said that if I needed her recommendation, she'd gladly give it, which of course pleased me to great lengths.
One day at a time, I keep telling myself though. That is what today is, one day. I have to take several deep breathes as I hear my name being announced over the intercom in the gymnasium. A brief introduction then a round of applause. I walk out in front of everyone, taking the microphone from Mrs. Greene, thanking her silently.
I look around the auditorium, at all the students watching me from the bleachers. Some with interest, others with annoyance. Times have changed so much since I was in school, yet at the same time, not at all. I see all the cliques formed together. Some have cellphones out, others are practically making out on the crowded bleachers, you can tell some are having issues with another friend, you can see new couples and people who have crushes.
My stomach is actually sore from my moment of anxiety. I cannot believe I'm here, in a high school, talking to them about who I used to be and why I was her. I don't think I've actually ever opened up about being a bully or the queen bee of school. I never told people why I felt the need to be who I was. I may not get to everyone in this room, but if I can have even one person understand the Hope that once was and the Hope that is here today, I'll feel that much better about everything.
"I was once told, never live life with regrets, but that person never killed anyone," I start my speech. I watch as a few people look to me with horror, others with interest, some with disgust. Good. I was hoping it'd grab their attention- good or bad.
"Friends... boyfriends.... popularity... cliques. These things, they're pretty important in high school, right?"
Numerous heads nod, some people even throw their fist in the air or do a little 'yeah!' scream. I see as others roll their eyes or pretend I don't exist. I don't blame them.
"Can you all close your eyes for a moment?" Most do, but I choose to ignore those who don't. "Now, can you raise your hand if you believe you'd do absolutely anything to be popular? To be noticed by everyone in the halls? To be thought about on a daily basis?" I watch as some hands fly into the air- and sadly, they aren't the hands of those who are sitting in the popular crowd. I watch a few others from that crowd slowly raise their hand. I'd estimate seventy percent of the students raise their hands.
"Open your eyes." The hands drop and the eyes open. More people are focused on me, probably waiting for me to tattle on the rest of their student body. "I won't say who raised their hands, and it shouldn't matter. Just know that most of you raised your hand, and I know at least half of you who didn't, wanted to but were too afraid. Which is okay, I don't have to know, this isn't for me, this is all for you. Well, you and Jenny."
Closing my eyes, I let vivid memories pass through. I know I had a speech prepared, but it’s hard to follow a speech when in reality, everything comes from my heart. "I wasn't abused as a child. I wasn't neglected. I didn't come from a split home. I had siblings and friends and money and beauty. In complete honesty, I had it all." I open my eyes and give them a sad face. "And that sucked."
I can't help but smile just a little. "I had the best life in the world, I really did- but that is why I was so miserable. It may not have actually
been true, but I felt as though I was trapped. I was placed onto this pedestal at such a young age, that I can't remember when it was that all these people started looking up to me. I was always popular. I was always loved. Because of these things, I literally needed it all. I couldn't survive without being cherished.
"So when I found out that someone didn't like me, I immediately despised them. I wanted to make them miserable, because they were upsetting me by not liking me. Those who looked up to me followed in my foot steps and did as I said, while those who disliked me for whatever reason, they either got ignored or they got bullied."
A lump forms in my throat and I have to pause, lowering the microphone from my mouth. I look around for a few moments and try to remember what was in my speech. I didn't bring it with me, and currently I'm having a lapse of thoughts. I need to connect with these kids. I need them to understand.
Turning to face the other half of the room, a face sticks out of the crowd more so than most. I pause, letting my eyes take him in. He stands back from the bleachers, watching me with interest- looking at me like I'm a ghost. To him, I probably am a ghost. I don't blame him for leaving me without so much as a word, I'd leave me too.
DJ takes a step back but stays into view. My eyes instantly start to water as my heart breaks a little. I turn away from him, not able to look at him right now. I'm not sure why he is here, but that doesn't matter. What it does is gives me the ability to tell the students what was that I did to Jenny.
"There was a girl in my school, Jenny. She didn't like me, and I don't blame her for that. I was... mean. Horrible, really. I wouldn't like me either. I didn't see it that way though, I saw it the way my family and friends taught me to see it- like I was perfect and that I ruled the world. So when I found out she was spreading rumors about me, I wanted to get even. Actually no, getting even would have been me spreading a rumor back- instead I planned to completely humiliate her. I won't go into details, not today, about what I did... but let’s just say... it backfired. Jenny fell," I tell them as my voice starts to crack, "into a pool. Her head... it hit the side of the pool... she... she died instantly."
Taking a few deep breathes, I look around at the silenced crowd, ignoring the area I saw DJ in. It hurts to talk, but I need to finish my speech. "I did six years in a women's prison after that. In fact, it was just recently that I got out. Not a day has gone by that I haven't regretted what has happened. Not a day has gone by that I wish I could take her place... or bring her back... or comfort her family. I still can't imagine the pain that they had to endure over my selfishness. Which is what bullying is; being completely selfish."
Wrapping up my speech, I finish, "So that is why I'm here. I'm here to talk to you, once a month, about bullying. I'm not here to lecture you, but to connect with you. To understand you, to have you understand me. I want you to understand one another. If you bully, take a look at your life and figure out why you do it, and if it’s really worth it. If you're being bullied, remember that you're not alone and things will get better. I'll be back in two weeks and I'll have one on one time with anyone who wants to discuss this topic in private. Everything will be completely confidential. Mrs. Greene will explain that more as the time gets closer."
I thank the staff and students before turning on my heels and walking out the gymnasium doors. I know I cut the speech short and didn't cover all the topics, but the second I saw him, I lost it. I couldn't think straight. I wasn't even sure if I really saw DJ or if it was just my imagination conjuring him up while I was pouring my heart out in front of hundreds of strangers.
Making it into the parking lot, I'm stopped by his voice. I pause, unsure if I want to turn around. I guess its better to face him now though, because if I have to keep coming back here, I know eventually we'll have to see each other again.
Turning around, I watch DJ approach me. His face looks... sad. Worried even. Not really what I was expecting. Instead of greeting him, I just ask what’s been bothering me. "What are you doing here?"
He pauses short of me. "I was... I didn't know you were out."
"I meant here, at this school. What are you doing in this school?"
His crosses his arms over his chest and takes me in for a few seconds before answering, making me a little uncomfortable. "I'm the football coach. I didn't end up going to college, lost my scholarship, and ended up here coaching a year later. When did you get out?"
My lip quivers, knowing that is in part my fault why he didn't go to college and pursue his dreams of college football. I can only image everything that happened that night affected him just the same as anyone else involved. It has me wondering what happened to Katrina, Steve, Martin, and others as well.
Instead of asking him that, I just simply answer him, in a very quiet voice. "Last week."
"I'm sorry I didn't visit... or write," he actually says.
"I didn't expect you to."
"I should have." He looks really broken up about it. I actually feel even worse, if that is possible.
"DJ, really, I don't blame you. I wouldn't have visited me either. It’s not like I tried to reach out to you anyways."
He takes a step forward and places his hand on my cheek. His thumb runs back and forth slowly under my eye. "Sorry," he says, probably noticing my panic. "You look so different but it doesn't feel like its been six years since I've seen you."
"Yeah, well." I take a step back. I can't do this right now. My heart is constricting and the invisible walls are closing in on me. "I need to go. I'm sorry." I turn and walk away from DJ, unable to stay here any longer. He doesn't come after me, and I'm thankful for that.
Walking around town, not wanting to go back to my home right now, I find myself outside of Wes' home. I'm not really sure what brought me here, but I couldn't stop myself. He isn't home yet, so I sit down on the front stoop, hoping isn't that much longer until he shows up. I can hear Sharmane inside, clawing at the door. I'm probably teasing the poor dog, but I can't find it in myself to move right now.
I hate being the selfish person I so obviously am, but right now I need Wes. I need him to punish me, and I need him to pleasure me. I need his comfort and the pain he inflicts on me.
My eyes peel over when I hear my name being said. I look up to see Wes staring down at me, looking extremely confused. Maybe even a little amused. I realize that I fell asleep on his steps, during the day light. Talk about embarrassing. I sit up quickly and look around, seeing if anyone is staring at me like I'm a crazed person.
"Can I help you?" he asks.
Combing my fingers through my hair, I just smile up at him innocently enough. "Sorry. You weren't here, so I was waiting for you... I didn't mean to fall asleep."
He just smiles at me, not saying anything.
"Well, I guess I can go home..."
I start to stand up but he stops me. "Come inside, get a glass of water or something."
"You sure?"
"Oh... I'm sure."
Everything deep inside me awakens immediately. Yeah, I certainly ended up exactly where I needed to be.
Sitting at the counter, I watch Wes pour us each a drink. He slides over a glass filled with ice and water. The ice clanking together in the cup brings up the memory of the restaurant only days ago. I know he is thinking the same thing as me, for when I take a sip of the water, our eyes meet and there is something forbidden in his.
Once I place the glass down, I grab an ice cube and bring it to my mouth. My tongue glides across the smooth exterior before I suck a little of the melting liquid between my lips. Wes stares at me, his smile disappearing as a whole new look takes over his features. Something so simple has made him become a needy man, and I'm excited to see if I'm about to be in trouble with him.
"It’s so... wet," I say seductively before licking at the ice again.
"My room... now." His voice comes out so strong and demanding, that it doesn't even take me a second before I'm jumping off the stool and racing towards his room.
He sits on
his bed, scooting back just enough so I'm able to fit between his parted legs.
"Strip," he orders.
Chills run down my arms, making my hair stand on end. Something in his command has me ready for whatever it is he has planned for us.
Slowly my hands reach for the button on my jeans and as I unsnap them his eyes dart to watch my every move. Once my jeans are sliding down my thighs, he orders me to slow down and caress my own skin. Without a second thought I listen. Running my hands up and down my thighs slowly, I continue stripping my jeans off.
My hands reach for the hem of my shirt. My fingers glide up my stomach, pulling the shirt with them. Once my hands are covering the padding of my bra, I give him a sensual show of kneading my breasts, panting out a small moan. When my eyes look to him, I see him rubbing his erection over his jeans. I love turning Wes on, it’s a powerful feeling.
I slide my shirt over my head, tossing it to the floor and take a step towards him.
"Stop. I want you completely naked. Strip." His tone is husky and even.
Sliding my thumbs into the sides of my panties, I slowly give him a strip tease, keeping my eyes focused on his. He pays no attention to my eyes though, as his are currently taking in every inch of me. Kicking the panties towards the dresser, I reach behind me and slide off my bra, letting it hang on my finger for only a moment before dropping it to floor.
Now I'm frozen in place, terrified to do anything without his permission.
Taking in a deep breath, he finally makes eye contact with me and orders me to sit in front of him, facing the mirror. Step by step I make my way towards the bed, turn and sit, adjusting myself so I fit perfect in front of him.
"Now spread them."
"Spread what?"
His hands grip my inner thighs so hard I'm sure they'll leave a mark. Without a seconds notice, he spreads my legs apart, placing my feet on the bed on the other side of his legs. "Don't ask me questions. Just do as I say." His voice is whispered roughly in my ear, causing me to lean my head back onto his shoulder.
