by Karin Baine
‘I can’t take any credit except for the top coat on a few of the signs.’ It wouldn’t be fair to those who’d worked so hard behind the scenes to pretend he’d been involved beyond a paintbrush and a tin of varnish.
‘But you thought to bring me here and that’s enough.’ She raised her hand to his cheek and the sound of laughter and music in the background faded away as he held his breath and waited for her next move. Until she’d wiped away the lipstick mark and walked away he hadn’t realised just how much he’d wanted to kiss her again.
The sway of her hips in those tight jeans and high heels had brought her to the attention of many in the locale but Ben’s attraction went much deeper than clingy fabric and flattering shoes. He’d found a kindred spirit in Mollie, someone who understood the complexities of his relationship with his grandfather and still wanted to spend time with him. For him, she was a reminder of what was missing in his life and what he could still have from time to time—fun.
This past couple of nights in her company had made him think about the demands on his time that were all for the benefit of other people. Although the dancing had started out as another obligation on behalf of The Men’s Shed, Mollie had made that time enjoyable on a personal level. She was a threat to that packed schedule that had kept him too busy to think about his disastrous personal life, because now he could see what he was missing out on. The temptation to make changes in his life for that same freedom she was striving for was huge if it meant they could spend more time together.
‘Two, please.’ He paid their admission at the booth to the man in the flat cap and braces, who ripped off a couple of coloured paper tickets from the roll in his hand.
Mollie looked more at home here than the stallholders all dressed in vintage attire. Even in the midst of this loud, brightly coloured chaos she stood out—a genuine individual in a crowd of costume-wearing wannabes.
* * *
‘Okay. Pick a ride.’ Despite the beard, Ben looked so young and carefree eyeing the gaudy rides with glee it made it difficult for Mollie to imagine he’d been anything but adorable in his youth. Yet he’d hinted that he’d been a bit of a tearaway. The type who would’ve probably caught her sister’s attention when they were kids. Talia was the one with a penchant for bad boys. Not Mollie. Her daredevil days had passed long ago and all she’d craved since was stability. Tonight might be a little...off-track, but it certainly wasn’t anything either of them needed to lose sleep over.
‘This one!’ She headed straight for the gilded carousel in the epicentre of the fête first so they could take a turn on the exquisitely painted horses with the cheerful organ music playing in the background.
This was just what Mollie needed. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d acted like a kid, free from the restraints of enforced maturity. Probably before the accident, when her family was coherent and she’d happily gone off to play, safe in the knowledge they’d all be there when she went home again.
Ben helped her down when the music came to a stop and led her over to the red and yellow stalls where cuddly toys hung from the canopies and the eager cries of, ‘Roll up! Roll up!’ greeted every excited passer-by.
At the test-your-strength booth he unleashed a primal grunt of male testosterone as he swung the hammer and hit the target. With Mollie, too. She had to admit to a certain territorial pride as the bell rang out and notified to all in the vicinity that he’d succeeded in displaying his masculine prowess.
It had been her call to cool things off last night, but that had sprung mostly from fear of the strength of her own feelings in the moment rather than lack of interest. She needed to make it clear in her head what exactly it was she wanted from this relationship with Ben before she got too carried away. As much as he made her want to explore her sexuality with him, it could ruin what they already had together. Her insecurity versus his experience had disaster written all over it if they ventured further than a kiss. Yet spending time with him, getting to know him and having fun together made her want to. It was that heart-pounding test of her vow not to get involved with a man again that made it so difficult to think of him only as a dance partner. Especially when he’d made it clear he was open to the idea of more. Until she was brave enough to risk her heart again she was content simply to be in his company and accept the inner turmoil it seemed to unleash.
‘Okay, Mr Universe. You win the right to choose the next ride.’
‘I think I need somewhere to recuperate after that.’ He dabbed imaginary sweat from his brow before he led her over to the Ferris wheel and well and truly wiped the smile off her face.
To him it was probably the most sedate of all the rides but to her it was the ultimate torture device. She glanced up at the height of the wheel and instantly regretted it, black dots swimming before her eyes and her stomach already behaving as if she were on it. A fear of heights was a common enough phobia but having actual experience falling from that altitude and having the marks to prove it gave her extra reason to be afraid.
She knew if she explained the problem to Ben he would understand and never dream of making her go up there. Yet being with him gave her the strength to want to face her fear. He wouldn’t let anything happen to her and the nostalgia of the place, and the chance to act out romantic scenes she’d only seen in the movies until now, made Mollie want to put the past behind her.
She took several deep breaths before she took a seat beside him in the pistachio-coloured carriage built for two, and it was quite pleasant sitting under the canopy, swaying in the breeze. At first. As soon as the attendant locked them in and her feet left solid ground, her breathing became more rapid and she began shivering uncontrollably. She had no desire to make a scene but she’d trained her brain so well over the years to recognise possible danger and avoid getting hurt again it was difficult to break the habit.
‘Are you okay?’ Ben leaned across to check on her—presumably because she’d become a lovely shade of green to match the decor—but the shift in weight set them swinging again. She clutched onto the cold steel rail for dear life as they travelled ever upward, the sights and sounds becoming more distant below them.
‘I...er...have a bit of a problem with heights.’
‘Why on earth didn’t you say? We could’ve done something more tranquil, like the bumper cars.’ He was trying to distract her by making her laugh, but she was concentrating on not falling out and landing on some unsuspecting carny.
‘I don’t think I realised until this moment. Shouldn’t we have seat belts or something? Health and safety exist now even if they are trying to be authentic.’ The panic began to expand in her chest, threatening to block her airways. The last time she’d climbed this high...well, she’d come crashing down to the ground very quickly and her whole life had changed beyond recognition.
‘Hey, look at me.’ That authoritative tone she heard him use at work forced her to focus on him rather than the people turning into tiny specks below.
‘Sorry, I—’ Any words died on her lips when she came face-to-face with him and saw concern for her furrowing his brow rather than irritation. He didn’t need to say anything at all to show her he understood her fears and how vulnerable she felt up here when it was written all over him. He cared about her.
‘Deep breaths. In and out.’ He held her hands and demonstrated the cleansing breaths he wanted her to take with him, inhaling great lungsful of air, which she was then supposed to let go with all of her worries.
She tried but the pictures were strobing through her mind so vividly she felt she was right back there running across the roof, jumping between the buildings until that first loud crack and the world gave way below, leaving her falling so helplessly to her fate. Her scars ached with the memory of those glass daggers slicing through her skin like paper and left her gasping for breath.
She was slipping in her seat, Ben’s face swimming before her as the world around
began to fall away and let darkness creep in. Terror had a tight grip around her heart, refusing to let go even for him.
‘Don’t you dare pass out on me. I know you’re stronger than this fear. You just have to believe it, too.’ He tilted her chin up with his finger, insisting she keep looking at him.
‘Deep breaths,’ he repeated, and placed her hand on his chest so she could feel the steady rise and fall of his. She took a shaky breath in, concentrating on his solid reassurance beneath her fingertips. Eventually she fell into sync with him, the steady rhythm helping to keep the panic at bay for a while.
‘I promise you’re safe with me.’ Once he was sure she wasn’t going to faint on him, Ben put his arm around her and pulled her away from the side of the car, close to his chest. It was only when she began to relax into his warmth that the shaking began to subside.
She clung to Ben, the safety of his broad chest beneath her cheek, much preferable to the world outside this car. In his embrace she felt safe and warm and a lifetime away from that nightmare from the past. ‘Sorry. I’m being daft.’
It wasn’t often she put herself in the position to face these fears head-on and relive the nightmare, but in the excitement of the evening she’d believed it impossible to be scared.
‘Not at all. We all have our fears. Mine is clowns. I swear if one shows up down there you won’t see me for dust.’ He gave an exaggerated shudder and clung tighter to her.
‘So much for living dangerously.’ She buried her head in the crook of his arm, hoping she’d never have to come out and show herself again after that neurotic display.
‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. There’s no rule that says we have to do it all at once. We can spread it out a bit.’ Ben gave her another squeeze, and this time when her heart gave a little leap it was at the prospect of another night out with him and not because she thought she might take a tumble out of this ancient contraption.
‘You mean do this again?’ Her pulse went wild at the suggestion he wanted to move their relationship somewhere beyond duty. She wanted to spend more time with him; it was what that might lead to that made her nervous. Mostly because he was the only man in a long time who’d made her consider the idea of taking things to the next level. She never had to be on her guard around Ben. He seemed willing to take things at her pace, not putting her under any pressure, and that made him all the more attractive. If and when she was able to face her other great fear and let him see her scars, she knew he would never do or say anything to hurt her.
Another night with Ben was a very tempting prospect and another chance to break further out of her comfort zone.
‘I’d like to, if that’s okay with you?’ He held eye contact with her and Mollie knew he was asking her to be more than just friends.
That thought chased away any residual fears in favour of romantic fantasy. ‘I’d love to,’ she said with a longing sigh.
The car jolted and immediately brought her back to earth with a bump.
‘I think we’ll try and swerve any aerial acrobatics next time.’ Ben held her closer and she had no reason to protest. Even though the stuttering start and stop of the ride as they let people on and off had her digging her nails into the palms of her hands, she was comforted by the fact he didn’t let go of her even as they reached the highest point of the ride.
The wind whistled around them and Mollie closed her eyes and took deep breaths so she didn’t do something crazy like try to get out or hug Ben so tightly he’d pass out. When she opened them again it wasn’t to find the ground hurtling up towards her, it was a gentle descent giving her time to appreciate the beauty of the world around her and the man beside her. She was no longer in danger. She was calm. She was alive. She was safe.
‘That’s probably for the best. I had an accident in my teens, which I apparently still haven’t come to terms with.’ Even saying those words was more than she’d shared since the fall and it had only happened because of the support he’d provided this far.
‘Are you okay?’ Ben’s jovial tone changed immediately she made her trauma apparent. It wasn’t that she was seeking sympathy; the need to speak about it had suddenly become too great for her to keep inside any longer.
‘I thought I was.’ She tried to smile through the tears that had suddenly welled up from somewhere deep inside, along with the admission of how much she was apparently still suffering.
‘Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.’
Simply having someone acknowledge her pain was enough to tip the tears over the edge, even without him resting his forehead against hers as though he was trying to transfer some of that hurt away for her. Now that she’d opened the lid all that emotion was bubbling up inside her until she knew she had to let it out or implode from the sheer force.
‘It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone else’s fault but my own. I was doing a stupid dare...thought I was impressing people by larking about on the roof of a building. Well, they don’t put up those warning signs for no reason. The roof collapsed... I fell...and spent months in and out of hospital. I ruined my life...and everyone else’s.’ She backed away and swiped her hand over her eyes. She didn’t deserve sympathy for what she’d done.
‘Hey. It was an accident. We’ve all made mistakes at that age and you’ve paid dearly for yours. I was no angel myself and I’m sure there’s still some graffiti sprayed about to prove it. We’re different people now compared to those kids we were then. By coming up here you’ve just proved what a strong, brave, beautiful woman you are.’
He was saying all the right things and Mollie wanted so badly to kiss him for his understanding, but she knew she was too emotional to be thinking straight. She’d shared a huge secret with him but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him about the injuries she’d received. That was a step too far and a sign she hadn’t quite reached that level of trust with him yet. They mightn’t be the same stupid kids but she still had the same scars. It was going to take time for her to admit it.
They finished the ride in silence but Ben kept her in his embrace until they’d reached the bottom and even then he only let go of her to help her out, as if in the course of that one rotation of the wheel she’d suddenly become some fragile creature he was obliged to protect. While it was nice to have someone taking care of her for once, she didn’t want him to see her in that role. If she told him all the gory details of the accident she knew she’d just become a victim to him, and she’d been enjoying being normal for one night enough to know she wanted to do it again.
‘Do you want to grab a coffee or something stronger to settle your nerves? I can phone home and let them know I’ll be a bit later than planned.’ He seemed every bit as reluctant as she was to end this evening and go back to reality but Mollie didn’t want to monopolise him any more than she had already. They should end the evening on a high note before any family emergencies interrupted and spoiled what, up until she’d had her freak-out, had been a perfect time out.
‘I think we should probably call it a night. I’m wiped out after that.’ She was afraid spending any more time together would result in more oversharing and cost her the chance of him following up on that promise to do this again some time. Not only was he great company, but it was refreshing to be with someone who didn’t need anything from her. She wanted it to be the same for him and didn’t expect, or want, it to turn into a counselling session every time they met up. It was way more fun acting like two naughty kids bunking off school together, and goodness knew she needed more of that in her life.
‘Sure. I’ll walk you back to the apartment and get the car so I can take you home.’
‘Honestly, there’s no need. The Tube station’s on the way back to yours and I’m sure Amy will be glad to hand over the reins.’ She wasn’t ready to go back to his place in any capacity again. If this was how he usually seduced women, she could guess what that next step meant and she obviously wasn’t ready t
o go there yet, if ever.
There was a tiny flicker of something across his face she tried to convince herself was disappointment but he didn’t try to talk her out of going home alone. However, gentleman that he was, he did insist on accompanying her to the station.
‘Same time tomorrow at The Shed then?’ She was already looking forward to seeing him again.
‘It’s a date.’ Ben leaned in and gently kissed her on the cheek. An innocent enough goodbye, if not for his hesitation to leave and the crackling tension she could feel arcing between them with that one touch.
‘It’s a date.’
Those three little words carried her on the journey home in a state of euphoria, which helped her make the decision she’d been putting off too long. It was time to start prioritising her wants and needs and they definitely included Ben Sheridan.
CHAPTER SIX
THE DOORBELL SOUNDED from downstairs, quickly followed by hammering on the door. ‘That’ll be dinner. I took a chance you hadn’t eaten tonight again and ordered takeaway.’
The decision hadn’t only been down to Ben’s empty stomach and a lack of time in between his engagements. He’d been looking forward to spending more time with Mollie and wanted to prolong rehearsal as long as possible. Last night had been the best time he could remember having since his grandparents had both got sick; a glance into the normal life of a carefree bachelor who didn’t have to worry about how his date would react to his personal circumstances.
He’d be a fool to try and convince himself he didn’t want more than a few casual dates with Mollie. She was different from Penny and every other woman he’d come into contact with since his grandfather had taken ill. At least he thought she was, given the way she’d handled the challenges thrown at her so far. It turned out she was just the same when it came down to commitment. She was never going to consider something serious with him when she was working to escape her family, but the time he spent with her reminded him of the man he used to be before duty took over. Perhaps they didn’t have a future as a couple, it was too much to expect even from a woman like Mollie, but he could still enjoy some quality time with her.
