by Beth Rinyu
“Oh, my god, I cannot even believe that you did that! I don’t even have my camera with me!”
“Well, you have it at home, don’t you?”
Home. I now had to go back to that place and face the man who had been consuming my every thought.
She was just about to say something when Nick walked through the door. “Hey there, Nick. Where’s your dad?” my mom asked, sounding a little disappointed.
“Oh, he’s pulling out what little hair he has left, trying to do the end-of-month report so he asked me to do the dessert order.
“Hey, Hope, are you free for dinner tonight?” he asked, while my mom went in the back to get her order sheet.
“Oh no, Nick, I’m not. My mom is making homemade pizza and I’ve already postponed it once,” I joked. He chuckled, but I could still see disappointment in his eyes. “Hey, why don’t you come over my mom’s for dinner?” I turned around when I heard her coming out from the back. “And why don’t you ask your dad if he wants to come over, too?”
Suddenly, my mother’s ears perked up. “Come over where?” she asked.
“Nick is coming over for pizza tonight and he’s bringing his dad,” I said before Nick had a chance to respond.
“Oh?” Her eyes widened.
“Yes, we’re going to celebrate you finding me that photography job,” I said, sarcastically, raising my eyebrows and smirking.
She just shook her head and smirked back, mouthing the word Brat to me. “I’d love to have you and your dad over, Nick.”
“Okay. What time?” he asked.
“Six.”
Nick nodded. “Hey, Hope, you got a minute?”
“Do I have a minute, Mom?” I asked, with a hint of sarcasm.
“Yes, actually, you can have twenty,” she joked.
I took off my apron and followed him out the door. We took a seat on the empty bench, just outside of the bakery. Nick didn’t look himself. I could tell that something was bothering him. “What’s the matter?” I asked.
He handed me an unopened envelope. “It’s a letter from Angie. I got it today and I don’t want to open it.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m afraid of what it says.”
“Oh, Nick, don’t be afraid. If you guys are going to try and move ahead, you have to know what’s in that letter.”
“Open it and read it to me. I can’t do it. Please.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
He nodded. I carefully opened the envelope and unfolded the piece of stationery containing the most perfect handwriting. “Ready?” I asked. He closed his eyes and nodded. I took a deep breath and began to read aloud:
Dear Nick,
I’m not going to lie and tell you that I’m not angry at you for doing what you did because I am. As I sit here writing you this letter, we should be exchanging our vows. I don’t know why you did this and I wish that you felt comfortable enough to tell me the reason. Then, maybe, I wouldn’t be as mad. Despite this, I still love you with all my heart and if something is bothering you, I want to know so that I can help you fix it. I realise that you may need time so I will not contact you. If you need or want to get in touch with me, you know where I am. I just hope that someday you will be able to open up to me and tell me why. I will love you forever.
~ Angie
He put his head down and rubbed his temples. “This really sucks.”
“Nick, you need to call her, text her, something to let her know that you’re still thinking about her and that you still care.”
“I’m not ready to face her yet, Hope.”
“That’s okay, but just let her know that you haven’t given up.”
He jumped when his cell phone began to ring. “My dad,” he said, looking at the caller ID.
“Yeah, Dad?” he answered. “Okay…Yup, I will. Oh, we’re going over to Hope’s mom’s house for dinner. Okay?...I’ll see ya’ in a few.” He quickly hung up and we both began to laugh. “Gopher boy has to run to the store and get him ink for his printer,” he said, standing up.
I used my hand to block out the bright sunlight as I looked up at him. “Are you going to be okay?” I asked as I gave the letter back. He nodded. “Good, and remember. Let her know, even if it’s just a quick hello text. Trust me, it will mean a lot!” He smiled in appreciation. “See you tonight, Nick.”
“See ya’.” He waved goodbye and headed back to his car.
I sat on the bench and watched people. It was a beautiful spring day. The elementary school across the street was just getting out. I watched as the mothers waited anxiously for their babies to emerge from their classrooms so that they could hear about their day. Just last year, I was one of those moms. Now here I was, watching a memory of what was once my life. I could see my Charlie’s smile perfectly in my mind when he would see me waiting for him, his backpack would be half-zipped and would be hanging over his shoulder. His shirt was always un-tucked and wrinkled, looking completely disheveled but absolutely adorable. I closed my eyes, wanting to retain that memory for the rest of my life.
I got out of my car when I saw the droves of kids piling out the door. I crossed the street, saying hello to some of the other moms that were standing around, waiting. I smiled when I saw Charlie approaching me. He looked like he had a hard day. His blond hair was disheveled, his shoes were untied, and he had a tear on the knee of his pants.
“What happened to you?” I asked.
“Football game at recess until Mr. Jacobs made us stop. He said we were getting too rough.”
“Well, by the looks of it, I’d say he was right.” I held his hand as we crossed the street. We got into the car and I looked in the rearview mirror to make sure he was buckling himself up. “Grocery store, rent a movie, and pick up a pizza.” Charlie gave me a thumbs up. This was our normal Friday routine.
“Is Daddy going to be home?”
“Yup, his flight should be landing in five minutes. So he should be home in an hour or so.” Jamie had been in Cincinnati on business for the past four days. We missed him like crazy when he was gone.
We arrived at the grocery store. I dug through my purse for my ringing cell phone just as we were about to enter. I smiled when I saw that it was Jamie. “Hey, you! Are you on your way home?” I answered, trying to maneuver the cart while holding my phone.
“My flight got delayed. Not another one going out until tomorrow.”
“You’re kidding!” I said, disappointed.
He began to laugh. “I’m on my way home now. I should be there in about forty-five minutes.”
“Good. Charlie and I should be there soon, too. I missed you,” I said.
“Oh, yeah? Are you gonna show me how much you did later on tonight?”
A smile stretched across my face. “I just might. We shall see,” I teased.
“Hey, is Charlie right there?” he asked.
“Yup, we’re at the grocery store.”
“Let me talk to him.”
I handed Charlie the phone. “Hi, Dad! Are you home yet?” We walked up and down the aisles as I listened to Charlie’s one-sided conversation. He would respond with a yeah, no, and an occasional cool. “Okay, I love you, too,” he finally said, hanging up.
“Daddy got me a Cincinnati Reds baseball hat right from their stadium,” he said, handing me back my phone.
“He did?! Awesome,” I replied as I looked over the yogurt, trying to find the one and only flavor that Charlie would eat. He was such a picky eater so once I knew he liked something, I made sure that I stocked up on it.
“Hello, Charlie!” I turned around to find Charlie's teacher approaching us.
“Oh, hi, Mrs. Carver!” I said, smiling. I just loved this woman. She was so warm and caring, exactly what you would expect from a teacher. Of course, the fact that she reminded me so much of my mother had a lot to do with it, too.
“Hi, Mrs. Carver.” Charlie smiled.
“
I just sent you an email before I left school today,” she said.
“Oh?”
She must have seen the look of concern on my face. “Oh, it's nothing bad. Actually, it's quite good.”
“Mom, can I go see Sam?” Charlie asked, looking up at me. Sam was the older man that worked in the bakery. Charlie would visit him each time we came to the store while sampling the goodies that he would give him.
“Yes, I'll be right there.” I watched as he walked the three feet to the bakery counter and began his usual conversation with Sam. I turned my attention back to his teacher.
“The email was a forwarded message from Luke Bryant's mother. I don't know if Charlie has told you about Luke or not?”
“Oh yeah, he did. He wants me to set up a play date with him.”
Mrs. Carver smiled. “Well, Luke just moved here a month ago. He's special needs and you wouldn't believe how mean some kids can be, even in second grade.”
“Oh no, please tell me Charlie isn't -.”
She immediately shook her head. “No, no, no! Just the opposite. He’s taken Luke under his wing. He partners up with him and includes him in all the activities at recess. And because of Charlie, the other kids are accepting him much better. He’s quite the leader.” She smiled over at Charlie, who was sampling what looked like a cupcake. “The email was from Luke's mother, expressing her gratitude to you and your husband for raising such a nice boy. I told her that I would make sure you received it.”
Hearing this meant more to me than anything in the world. Charlie was such a good boy and to know that he was demonstrating the values that Jamie and I had been instilling in him since birth made me smile. “Well, you just made my weekend,” I said.
“He's a great kid,” she said.
“Thanks!” I smiled.
“You have a great weekend and I'll see you next week at the Spring Fling,” Mrs. Carver said.
“You, too!” I said as pushed my cart into the bakery section to see what sugary concoction Sam was giving to Charlie today.
“Hey, Mommy.” He smiled up at me with chocolate smeared on his nose.
“Oh, my goodness. Look at you!” I laughed.
“That's my special triple chocolate peanut butter cupcake.” Sam smiled from behind the counter. “My man Charlie gave it a thumbs up!”
“I bet he did!” I grabbed a tissue from my purse and wiped his face.
I leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled up at me. “Hey, what was that for?” he asked.
“No reason. Just wanted to let you know that I love you and I’m so proud of you.”
“Hmmm…how much do you love me?” He flashed me his adorable grin.
“Lots!” I said.
“Enough to let me have another cupcake?”
“Nice try, mister!” I said, messing up his hair and leading him away from the bakery.
I sprinkled a handful of cheese on the last pizza as my mother waited patiently with the oven door open. “Perfect!” I said, staring down at my masterpiece. I had texted Jamie earlier to let him know that I was stopping by the house in the morning to pick up my camera, but still hadn't heard back from him. I was glad that Nick and his dad were coming for dinner. It would be a nice distraction to stop me from dwelling on Jamie's silence.
When I looked over at my mother, I noticed that she was wearing lipstick! She never wore makeup unless she was going out to a special event. “That shade looks good on you. Is there a reason that you're wearing it?” I teased.
“Oh, I just found it in the bottom of my purse. I forgot that I had it and wanted to see what it looked like.”
“Mmmm hmmm.” I giggled.
“What?” She looked at me, trying to keep a straight face.
“Nothing,” I replied.
“Is it too much?”
I shook my head and laughed. “No, you look beautiful.”
I looked down at my ringing cell phone and battled with a bout of mixed emotions when I saw Jamie's name on my caller ID. “It’s Jamie. I'm just going to go into my bedroom for a minute.”
She nodded and looked at me sympathetically.
“Hi,” I answered as I walked into my room, closing the door behind me.
“Hey, Hope.” Just hearing his voice bought tears to my eyes. “You don’t have to text me to let me know that you're picking up your camera. It’s your house, too.”
“I just....I don't know,” I said.
“Well, what time are you coming?”
“I don't know. Probably late morning or early afternoon.”
There was a brief moment of silence. “Can I take you out to lunch?” he asked.
“Umm, I don't know, Jamie.”
“I really want to talk to you, Hope. I don't like leaving things this way.”
“Okay,” I whispered, hoping that my heart could handle seeing him.
“I have meetings all morning. So do you just want to meet me at my office around noon?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“I'll see you tomorrow,” he said before hanging up.
I closed my eyes, hoping that I was doing the right thing. I suddenly snapped out of it when I heard Nick’s and his father's muffled voices coming from the living room. I took a deep breath and put on my happy face as I walked out of my bedroom. “Hey there!” I said, realizing that I was sounding a little overenthusiastic.
Nick looked at me strangely, picking up on my faux persona right away. My mother was unable to wipe the smile from her face. It made me happy to see her so giddy. I looked at Nick and raised my eyebrow at the two of them. He smiled, obviously having the same thoughts.
My mother was busy showing Nick’s dad the recipe for her mint brownies, which happened to be Jamie's favorite. I sighed, and poured Nick and me a glass of wine.
“Let's go sit outside,” I said, motioning for him to follow me out the back door.
“The pizzas will be ready in five minutes!” my mother shouted from the kitchen.
We sat down on the glider in comfortable silence. I looked up in the oak tree to see the cardinal sitting on a lower branch.
“Look,” I whispered to Nick as I pointed.
He tilted his head to see what I was pointing at. “Oh yeah, a cardinal,” He clearly was not as mesmerized by it as I was because he quickly changed the subject. “I sent Angie an email, letting her know that I'm working on it and that I still love her very much.”
I smiled. “Good job, Abate! The worst feeling in the world is thinking that the person you love the most doesn't love you back.”
“Is that how you're feeling, Hope?”
I looked straight ahead and nodded. “He had an affair.” I sighed deeply. “For all I know, he may still be sleeping with her. Today was the first day that I talked to him since the day I walked out the door. My heart is ripped to shreds and it's killing me not knowing if he's feeling the same. He wants to meet for lunch tomorrow and I’m scared.”
“What are you scared of?”
“I’m just afraid that we’re not ready for this yet. I feel like we need more time before we even begin to talk. Or maybe it’s because I’m afraid of what he has to say. Maybe he doesn’t want to try and make this work. Maybe he’s just going to tell me it’s over. Either way, I’m terrified. My name should be “‘Hopeless’ instead of Hope,” I said, trying my best attempt at a joke.
“Hope, you are not hopeless at all. You've just been through a lot and you've changed because of it. You will never be the same person that you were before you lost your son, just like I will never be the same person I was before -.” He couldn't finish. He took a deep breath and regained his composure. “We both need to accept the new people that we've become before we can expect anyone else to accept us. Because, no matter how hard we wish for it, that person that we use to be is never coming back.”
I pushed a stray hair behind my ear. “Yeah, I guess you're right.”
He smiled and took my han
d in his. “So, Hope, have you ever been camping?” he asked, trying to shift to a lighter topic of conversation.
I began to laugh hysterically. “Once, and it is so not for me!”
“Ah, why not?”
“Too many bugs, sleeping on the ground, wild animals. Shall I continue?”
“But that was the old Hope. Maybe the new Hope just might like it!”
“Old or new....trust me, she won't.” I said, crinkling my nose.
“Well, actually, ashamed as I am to admit it, it’s kind of camping in luxury. My dad and I are going to his house on the lake in upstate New York for a few days. Four bedrooms, microwave, dishwasher, running water, and even a sixty-inch flat screen in the living room.” He smiled.
“Ummm, I wouldn't call that camping. That’s more like a vacation!”
“Well, we light a fire at night and go fishing for our dinner. Unless, of course, the fish aren't biting. Then we just go to the store up the street and buy the fish,” he said, flashing me his deep dimpled grin.
“Nick, a big bad Marine like you doesn’t rough it when he goes camping? You should be ashamed of yourself!” I teased.
He began to chuckle. “Hey, don’t let that get out. I have a reputation to protect.”
“You’re secret is safe with me. I pinkie promise,” I said, intertwining his pinkie in mine, just like we use to do in the first grade.
He shook his head and chuckled. “God, I missed you, Hope.”
The next morning, I took extra time to get myself ready as I meticulously blew dry my hair and applied my makeup. I gave myself one last look in the mirror and scolded myself for even caring. I was meeting Jamie for lunch. The man who had seen me at my worst. The man who held my hair back when I was throwing up for ten hours straight because of food poisoning. The man who was by my side during all twelve hours of excruciating labor. So why did I feel the need to look perfect for him today? Was it because I knew that there was someone else? Whatever it was, I was angry at myself for feeling as if I needed to impress my own husband. After I wiped the lipstick from my lips and threw my “perfect hair” into a messy bun, I walked into my bedroom, ignoring the skirt and shirt that I had laid out to wear. Instead, I slipped on my most favorite pair of worn out jeans, a white t-shirt, and my ballet flats. I looked in the full-length mirror and smiled. This was who I was and if Jamie couldn’t love me for that, maybe we didn’t really belong together after all.
