by Beth Rinyu
Nick rubbed my back and tried his best to console me. “Take a deep breath, Hope. Calm down.” His voice was soft and soothing. He ran his thumb under my eye and wiped away the tears. “It’s okay. Don’t blame yourself. You loved your son and I’m sure he knew it.” His warm, soft lips touched my forehead, and I felt myself relaxing a bit when he pushed my hair behind my ear and gazed at me.
I rested my head on his chest, concentrating on his heartbeat. “Thank you, Nick,” I whispered, finally breaking the silence. “I never told anyone about that day, and I don’t think I will ever be able to tell anyone about it again.”
“You’re welcome.” I closed my eyes and a sense of calmness began to overtake me as the warm breeze kicked up and I sucked in the sweet smell of wisteria wafting through the air. I slowly opened my eyes and stared out at the moonlit lake, feeling as if I could face the world again. I had confronted the worst day of my life head on, something I never thought that I would be able to do, and I was so grateful to the man sitting beside me for allowing me to do so without judgment.
The hauntingly beautiful tune of the loons awoke me from my sleep. I lifted my head from Nick’s chest, realizing that we must have both fallen asleep. I laid my head back on his shoulder and watched the sky begin to light up as the sun began to rise over the lake. It was truly one of the most breathtaking sights that I had ever seen. Tears began to form in my eyes. I felt as if I was witnessing a rebirth of my life and the new Hope, the one who had faced her biggest nightmare and survived. “Thank you, best buddy,” I whispered as I placed a tiny kiss on Nick’s chest, knowing that he was responsible for this and, if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have been able to do it.
He began to stir and I watched as he slowly opened his tired eyes. It amazed me how I was still able to see the little boy that I had known from so long ago. “Sleep well?” I teased.
He reached around and rubbed the small of his back, looking like he was in pain. “Wonderful,” he joked.
I sat up, allowing him to stretch out. “Would you like me to get you some coffee?” I asked.
“Nah, I can get it. Besides, I need to get up and stretch my back. I feel like I’m going be walking like a caveman for days.” We both began to laugh.
We stood up and started heading back up to the house. I stopped him. “Thank you, Nick. I feel like I conquered something last night that months of therapy couldn’t do.”
He took my hands in his and looked down at me, placing a tender kiss on my forehead. “That’s what friends are for, Hope.”
I smiled up at him. “Yeah, and I’m lucky to have the best one there is.”
Nick, his dad, and my brother were spending the day fishing, while I was spending some quality “girl time” watching chick flicks, eating junk food, and having an absolute great time with my mom and Patty. Patty went into the room to get the next movie from her bag. My mother looked over at me and smiled. “It’s so nice to see you laughing, Hope. It just makes my heart happy.”
I nodded. “Yeah, it makes me pretty happy, too.” Even if it was only temporary, it still felt good. I knew that once I returned back to reality, all of my woes would slowly start to creep back in but, for now, I was casting them aside and enjoying myself.
Two hours later, the credits to the movie Beaches scrolled on the TV and the tears rolled down all three of our faces. “It must be so wonderful to have a friend like that; you know, a soul mate,” Patty said as she dabbed her eyes with a tissue.
I smiled through my tears, thinking that I did have a friend like that.
The door opened and the “fishermen” came walking into the room. “Oh, my god. What movie were you watching?” my brother asked upon seeing the tears running down our faces.
“Beaches,” Patty said, sticking her tongue out at him.
“Did you catch dinner?” my mother asked. Nick and Bobby looked at each other, and began to laugh. “I’m taking that as a no.”
“That is a big fat no,” my brother said.
“Looks like we’re having pizza for dinner!” Nick’s dad said.
“Oh, I can cook us a nice dinner! It’s our last night here. We should have something special.”
“Pizza’s fine by me!” Bobby said.
“Me, too!” Patty and I both said in unison.
“You’re outnumbered, Mary!” Nick’s dad smiled, handing the pizza takeout menu to my mother.
“Okay, okay!” she said.
She placed the order and her, my brother, and Patty went to go pick it up. I popped the movie from the DVD player and put it back in the case. I read the back of the case and smiled, thinking about how much I loved that movie. “Did you have a good day?”
I looked up at Nick as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. His hair was still wet from just getting out of the shower. “Yeah, I did. Actually, these past few days have been wonderful.”
He sat down on the couch next to me. “Yeah, it has been a lot of fun.”
“You’re my CC Bloom, you know that?”
“Who?” He furrowed his brows in confusion.
“I guess you’ve never seen Beaches?”
He smiled and shook his head. “Umm, no.”
“Well, it’s about these two little girls who meet on a beach. Their friendship spans through the years and they become like soul mates.”
The corners of his mouth slowly began to turn up and form a smile. “I’d be honored to be your soul mate, Hope.”
“Good because I seriously don’t know where I would be right now if you didn’t come back into my life.
“Same here.”
I pulled him closer and hugged him, breathing in the fresh, musky smell of his shower gel. “Hey, Nick, can you go get -.” Nick’s dad stopped himself mid-sentence as he walked into the living room. I quickly removed myself from Nick’s embrace.
“Yeah, what did you need dad?” Nick asked.
He stared at us for a little bit longer and the smallest smile began to form on his face before he finally snapped out of it. “Oh, there’s two bottles of wine chilling in the bar in the basement. Can you bring them up?”
Nick stood up and headed down the stairs. His dad walked closer to me and put his hands in his pockets. He had a look of pure satisfaction on his face. “You two are the best medicine for each other right now and I’m so happy to see that you’re there for each other, just like you always were as kids.”
“Thanks. Nick is a great guy.”
My attention quickly turned to the door as my family abruptly entered, holding more pizza’s than we would ever be able to eat.
“How many pizzas did you guys order?” Nick’s dad chuckled.
“Don’t question their insanity. Just go with it!” I laughed.
Nick bought up the bottles of wine and his father poured us each a glass. He held up his and began to speak. “This has been a really great weekend which will hold a lot of happy memories so here’s to more memories to come. To new friends.” He looked at Patty and smiled. “Old friends.” He winked at my mother. “And very special friendships that stood the test of time.” His eyes glassed over as he gazed at Nick and me.
“To all of us,” my mother said as we clinked our glasses together.
I looked at Nick and smiled, giving his glass an extra tap. “To us,” I whispered.
It was back to reality. The wonderful memories of this past weekend played over and over in my head. I knew that it was something that I would look back on fondly for the rest of my life. Nick's leave was up in a week, and I could feel my stomach churning just thinking about it.
I was on my way to meet Jamie's mother for lunch. I still hadn’t heard anything from him, which was only adding to my stomach ailments. I wanted to talk to him so badly, to hear his voice, just anything from him that would give me some type of inkling that there was even a little hope for us. His silence was like a needle, slowly sucking the life from me. The only time I would feel any type of happiness
was when Nick was around, and I silently scolded myself for becoming so dependent on him over these past few months.
I pulled into Tres Bien, the upscale French restaurant that was not too far from the place that was formally known as my home, and waited for Jamie's mother. I got out of the car when I saw her pulling into the parking lot. She was a walking fashion plate, even at sixty-seven-years-old. She was a mirror image of Jamie with her blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. Her smile was a mile wide as she threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly. “How are you, sweetheart?” she asked, looking me over and giving me a look of disapproval. “Hope, you are nothing but skin and bones.”
I didn't want to tell her that I had actually gained weight from just a month ago. Since Nick came back into my life, so did my appetite. Instead, I gave her a slight smile. She intertwined her arm in mine and we walked into the restaurant.
We made small talk while we looked over our menu and placed our orders. Jamie hadn't come up in the conversation, but I knew it was just a matter of time.
“So, have you heard from Jamie?” I shook my head. “I called him the other day to let him know that we were home. He was working and didn’t have much to say. I can tell you one thing, Hope. It didn't even sound like my son on the other end of the phone.”
I looked out the window and stared at the beautiful lake before turning my attention back to her. “I don't know what to say. It's not the same Jamie. It's not the man I fell in love with, or even the one I knew just a year ago. Just like I'm not the same girl that you knew just a year ago.” I looked at her with tear-filled eyes. “Charlie's -.” I bit my lip and looked down at the table as I tried to get the rest of the words out. Kate reached over the table and took my hand. “It changed us both so much.” She rubbed the top of my hand, trying her best to comfort me. “The only thing that hasn't changed is how much I love him.” I dabbed my eyes with the linen napkin that was on my lap, silently scolding myself for crying in the middle of this fancy restaurant. Talking about Charlie and Jamie in the same sentence was a guaranteed recipe for tears.
“I know you do, sweetie, and I know he feels the same way about you. Just give it time.”
“Yeah, that's what everyone keeps telling me.”
We both pulled it together as we looked up at the waiter bringing us our food. The conversation turned lighter while we ate. Kate told me all about their stay in Florida and how my father-in-law was trying his best to convince her to permanently move there, but she wasn't having any part of it. I told her about my photography jobs, and how I was seriously thinking about taking some courses for some more formal training. We finished up with desert, sharing a vanilla Crème Brulee.
I was so full that I felt ready to pop. She grabbed the check from my hand, placing her credit card inside of the folder and handing it to the waiter.
“Oh, I almost forgot!” She reached into her purse and pulled out a perfectly wrapped present. “For the birthday girl!” I had so much on my mind that it didn't even occur to me that my birthday was only four days away. Not that I had anything to celebrate this year. I always hated the thought of turning another year older. That, coupled with no Charlie and no Jamie to spend it with made it that much worse.
“Oh, thank you so much, Kate.” I smiled.
I opened up the card and began to read the beautiful sentiment inside. If that weren't enough to bring tears to my eyes, the little handwritten note from Kate was:
Hope ~
We love you like our own daughter and your happiness means everything to us. So as you celebrate this birthday, remember that he is still here with you inside of your heart. The same way that he will always be with all of us that love him so dearly. So have a piece of cake with your little boy, and don't be afraid to show that beautiful smile.
All our Love ~
Kate & Doug
I loved my in-laws so much. They were like a second set of parents to me. Jamie's brother was a confirmed bachelor and I was quite certain that he would never settle down. He enjoyed his life the way it was so I was the closest thing that they had to a daughter.
I carefully unwrapped the present, trying my best to preserve the beautiful bow. I covered my mouth when I lifted the lid. It was a beautifully framed picture of Charlie and I that had been taken last year when we had gone out for my birthday dinner with Jamie’s parents. He was sitting on my lap with my arms wrapped tightly around him and our cheeks pressed up against each other. His light blue polo shirt accented his beautiful eyes. I closed my eyes and bit my lip. Kate reached over the table and took my hand. “Don’t be afraid to look at it, Hope. Your baby is going to be here celebrating with you this year, the same way that he was in that picture. He’s in your heart forever.”
I slowly opened my eyes and nodded. “Why did I even put makeup on today?” I said, dabbing my eyes with the linen napkin.
I was finally pulling it together and then my stomach dropped when I saw “her” entering the restaurant. She was dressed in a business suit, her short skirt showing off her extra-long legs. She was with three other men also dressed in business attire. She flipped her long, perfectly tousled red hair to one side as she moved closer. I hated her, not only because she had shared something so sacred with my husband, but also because she was beautiful, making me doubt myself. Maybe Jamie didn’t do this just to take away the pain. Maybe he was actually more attracted to her than he was to me. I tried to look away, but I couldn’t. Her big blue eyes finally met mine and she looked like she had seen a ghost. I watched as all the confidence that she exuded just moments ago faded away. She nervously pulled out her chair and took a seat.
“Ready?” Kate asked as she signed the credit card receipt.
“Huh? Oh, yeah.” We stood up and I made sure not to look in her direction. I walked Kate to her car, giving her a huge hug and kiss goodbye. I was fumbling through my purse for my keys when I heard my name.
I finally got the courage to look, but I already knew who it was. “I have nothing to say to you,” I said, finally locating my keys.
“Please, can you just give me one minute to hear me out?”
I didn’t respond. I just stared at her, waiting for her to speak. The whole time, I was imaging Jamie’s lips on hers, feeling my lunch stirring in my stomach just thinking about it.
“Look, Hope, I know you’re upset.”
“Really? Well, thank you so much for validating my feelings.” I didn’t try to hide my sarcasm.
She shook her head and looked away. “He loves you, Hope. He really does.”
“Wow…. How long have you known my husband?”
“Six months,” she responded. She looked down and nervously fidgeted with the button on her suit jacket.
“So I guess that makes you an expert on how he feels? I guess I should feel better about the situation because you say that he loves me? Tell me, Nina… Is that your name?”
She nodded.
“What gives you the impression that my husband loves me? Hmmm….did he call out my name when he was filling you up with himself, or is it because he fucked you the same way he had been fucking me these past months -- with no emotion at all? Do tell me what makes you the expert on my husband?”
She swallowed hard and looked away. “Look, Hope, I’m not an expert on Jamie, by any means. I know that what I did was wrong. At first, I was just there as a sounding board; you know, to listen to his stories about Charlie.”
I was enraged just hearing his name crossing her lips. I narrowed my eyes and pointed my finger at her. “Don’t you dare say his name! You didn’t know him! You have no right to talk about him! He’s my little boy -- mine!”
Her eyes were filling up with tears. She shook her head. “I know and I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t need your pity.” I had my hand on the car door and was about to open it before she spoke again.
“I’m leaving next week to take a new job in Dallas so you don’t have to worry about anythi
ng between Jamie and me. It’s over and done with, and I wish that I could go back and change it so it never happened at all. I really do.”
“Well, you can’t. Just like I can never bring my little boy back.”
She closed her eyes and nodded. I got into my car, not saying another word. My hands were trembling. I took a deep breath, finally releasing the tears that I was holding back as I watched her walk away.
I stopped off at the pharmacy once I got back to my mother’s. I wanted to print out the pictures that were on my memory card. I looked them over as they were coming out of the machine. First was an adorable picture of my mom and Nick’s dad, which was definitely frame-worthy. There were candid shots of my brother and Patty, and beautiful pictures of the lake at sunrise and sunset. But my absolute favorite was a selfie of Nick and me, taken on the day of our hike. I placed them in an envelope and smiled just thinking about all of the happy memories that weekend. I was getting ready to pay when I heard a very familiar voice at the pharmacy counter. I waited for the pharmacist to walk away before taking a deep breath and smiling.
“Skank!” I said, loud enough for her to hear.
Tina turned around and a smile spread across her face, while tears built up in her eyes. “Ho!” she responded, before throwing her arms around me. “I’m so sorry, Hope,” she said, wiping away her tears.
“No, Tina, I’m the one that’s sorry. I should never have blown up like that. I was just having a really bad day.”
I hugged her again. We never stayed mad for long, even when we would get into knockdown, drag out fights. We couldn’t stand not speaking to one another for too long. She was there for me so much after Charlie’s death, even though I don’t remember most of it because I was in a zombie-like state. We paid for our purchases and walked outside, taking a seat on the curb. “Are you doing okay, Hope?”
“Yeah, I am,” I replied, pushing my hair behind my ear.
“Good,” she smiled. “Well, next week, you and I are going out for a girl’s night out! We need to celebrate your birthday -- no excuses!”
